I Am Trying To Build My Courage

[melissacd]

As some of you may have read in other threads and rants I have posted, I have a not supportive wife. My wife discovered me dressed 8 years ago, made life hell for a year, told me to stop and the topic has never been discussed since.

I have read so much here that has opened me to the possibility of opening that can of worms again. I have decided that whatever the outcome I have to find a way back to myself. I have been far too unhappy for too long and this cannot go on. I can see through my own threads that I have been going through a transformation in my thinking and I have found this whole process quite cathartic.

My objective at thhis point is to build up the courage to approach my wife on this topic again. I am quite scared of the possible outcome so I want to make sure that I am as prepared as I can be when I finally jump off that cliff.

What I am looking for is the following:

1. I really want to get perspectives from GGs on two things, their personal story of how they felt when all was revealed, how they reacted, adapted and how the relationship has grown or changed since that discovery.

2. Suggestions on good resources to have at the ready to present to her when the time comes.

3. Any other suggestions that anyone may have.

I want to compile a good case, as I believe this will be my last shot at it and it could mean the end of my 23 year relationship so I want to have the best tools I can gather. I want to find a way to present this as lovingly and as non-threatening as I can but I think that this will be harder than the first time.

I am not sure when I will do this. It is kind of like that process that you go through before jumping off the high dive into the pool. I hope that I don't chicken out because getting past this point and bringing this eight year old wound to closure is important to me.

The best outcome that I could dream of is that she has matured her thinking over the years and loves me enough to be open to this and we can use it to grow and build our relationship anew. The worst outcome is she totally rejects it and me.

The relationship is in a steady and stable state right now and scary part is, if I do this and she rejects it then I risk throwing away what I have and yet there is a part of me that says that the current stability and calmness in my relationship comes at a very high price.

Sometimes I question whether being true to my feminine soul is worth the price that I may have to pay when I open the can.

I look forward to any wisdom I can gather before I strike out.

Please someone convince me of the rightness of this or the wrongness of this. I am being totally crazy to want to stir up a hornets nest for my own selfish reasons of should I just accept things as they are and keep my CD self hidden away for the good of the marriage????

I love you all and await the wisdom.

Hugs
Melissa

[Katie Ashe]

Good morning... check out a few site, it'll may help gather the thoughts/courage you have giving us for so long:

http://www.yvonnesplace.net/yvonne/whydowecrossdress.htm
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/cathytg/essays.htm
http://members.aol.com/diane1962/tgterms.html

For a mood lightener:
http://www.humboldt.edu/~mpw1/Crossdress/husband.shtml

Melissa you should also check out:
http://www.cdspub.com/cope.html

There are many more, but I think these would be a good start, They helped me tell my wife.

Hugs dear, Katie

[Tamara Croft]

Melissa, you should have a read of Tristens 2 threads.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=8052
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=8313

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hi Melissa!

I wish you the best. Ultimately what you're contemplating is about identity. It's a lousy journey. I know because I'm struggling and am basically at the end of a 20 year marriage myself.

I wish I could offer more than general supportive words, but I don't know the path myself. My wife knew before we were engaged, but it's made no difference whatsoever.

Fwiw, here's a potentially helpful link:

http://www.pflag.org/

You might also look for a couples counselor in your area. The person should be a specialist in transgender issues, and be an advocate for BOTH you and your wife. Ideally she should work with you to try to either incorporate your transgender self into your marriage, or help you split amicably.

Good luck!

*BIG HUGGLES*

[DonnaT]

I have decided that whatever the outcome I have to find a way back to myself. I have been far too unhappy for too long and this cannot go on.

What have you been doing, CD wise, to satisfy your need to dress? Why do you think you cannot continue doing what you have been?

Has the unhappiness shown outwardly? That is, can you say to your wife, "The reason I have been so unhappy (or cold) is . . ." ?

The reason I ask is because you said:


The relationship is in a steady and stable state right now

You mentioned in another post that your love has grown cold. If this is truely the case, then a discussion is warranted. A loveless marriage is hardly worth living.

If you've been dressing in secret, then you risk getting caught again. If this is the case, then a discussion is warranted. YOu already know what will happen if you are caught again.

If you've not been dressing, but the urge has gotten to the point that you need to do it again. Then talk to her.

When you talk, ask her if you've changed, in her eyes, from when you first married.

The idea here is to be able to show her that even though you are a CD, and she has known this for the last 8 years, you're still the same person you've always been. That CDing will not change you in the future. But you have to believe that yourself.

Other than no longer having to hide it, what will you gain by telling her? Such as, going out enfemme (some CDs do not have the courage to go out enfemme), or just be able to relax around the house enfemme.

Know ahead of time what you're response will be if she says she accepts it but doesn't want to see it, and does not want you going out, does not want you shaving your legs, chest, etc.

What ever you do, don't get in an argument over it. Try to stay calm so you can, hopefully, get her to rationally express her thoughts on the subject.

You might want to get Helen Boyd's book "My Husband Betty" and have it on hand so you can ask her to read the first 4 chapters.

Be prepared for her saying NO, and that she won't discuss it all. Not even with a marriage counselor knowledgable in TG issues. Know what your response is going to be. Only you know whether you can continue in the marriage as you have been, for the next umpteen years.

[Di]

Dear girl your post makes me so sad.....surely when she sees the pain you are in she can compromise somehow to give you some peace....The only thing I know is pour your heart out to her......tell her how hurt you are and in pain.....how much you love her and need her support in this,,,gather everything you can for her to read and think on,,,as the book I meantioned to you before,,,,and maybe print out the threads here that could help her get insight ........best wishes

[GypsyKaren]

I suggest you have her read "My Huband Betty" by Helen Boyd. I told my wife everything after years of hiding, and it helped her immenesely. Things are going well between us now. It will answer any questions she might have.
GypsyKaren

[Julie]

Melissa,

As a 'survivor' of coming out totally to my entire family I can tell you it can be hell. I told my wife almost a quarter century ago, before we were married. She seemed cool about it and even packed some girly things for me on our honeymoon. I was a happy camper back then.

Today we are close to finalizing the end of our 23 year marriage. She closes on her new place at the end of the month and I really have no plans of keeping in touch with her, so deep is the pain of how she's acted these past few months. Once my youngest son found out (who she's so attached to it borders on abnormal) she changed. She said she never really knew the extent even though she kept the kids busy while I snuck out the door to go to Tri-Ess meetings over ten years ago.

What I'm trying to get at is you just never know what to expect. Once you open that box it can't be closed again. If she knew the pain and sacrifices you have made she might realize how much you love her. But reality can be cruel and she could just shut you off once you confess, never hearing how hard it's been for you.

One thing you need to understand, she has the vast majority of people who can relate to her pain and who will encourage her to think like they do. Mainstream society doesn't understand us and doesn't want to. We are an embarassment to the men of the world. We have violated the #1 rule of men - don't try to be anything like a girl. It is, to the majority of men, worse than death.

So make sure this decision is something you have weighed all the possible consequences. I know I will be happier because my marriage had a lot of problems I ignored figuring love will conquer all. You need to assess your marriage and your needs carefully. What I have found is you are the best one to make that decision and listening to others can blow up in your face.

Good luck. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[melissacd]

I must say that all of the feedback is wonderful. Thanks very much for those who have posted so far.

Donna,

In response to some of your comments:

- I have not been cross dressing at all since I almost got caught a second time and it drives me crazy - I see all these wonderful things and I remember how great it felt and I hate not being able to just be myself. I am pretty sure, from what I have read that many of you would feel the same if your spouse told you to stop or else. I stopped because I though that I could, now I know that I can't and I know that if she ever catches me again that will be the end so I feel that I have to re-open this wound and tell her so that I can do it in a better context and hopefully she will be more understanding. The interesting thing that you made me realize is that "I have stayed with her" and I have pretty much stayed the same person even though she knows that "I am" a CD so I am not sure if perhaps that will hold some weight in a more positive outcome. Something to ponder.

In terms of the coldness of my love, it is hard for me to feel a passion, a warmth for someone who rejects such an important part of who I am. If she would open herself to the idea, understand that life would be so much better and the relationship much deeper then I know that that passion could re-ignite. It is the rejection, her lack of even bringing the subject up even once over all these years that makes it hard to feel a strong love. I don't know if that makes any sense.

It is funny, today we went to a shoe store. I have no interest in looking for mens shoes so I tagged along with her in the women's department and commented on some of the nice sexy shoes. She looked at me and told me that I should go into the men's department, that I should not be in the women's area. I said that the men's area was boring and that I found the women's shoes so more interesting. She just looked at me and shook her head. She seemed very intent on me not being there. I don't know if that is an indication of how she still feels or if it is just a woman saying I would rather not have a man tagging along behind me while I shop???

Anyway, at that point I almost wanted to scream out that I have every right to be there because I am a cross dresser. But I just wandered off and left her alone.

Sigh...

Melissa

What have you been doing, CD wise, to satisfy your need to dress? Why do you think you cannot continue doing what you have been?

Has the unhappiness shown outwardly? That is, can you say to your wife, "The reason I have been so unhappy (or cold) is . . ." ?

The reason I ask is because you said:



You mentioned in another post that your love has grown cold. If this is truely the case, then a discussion is warranted. A loveless marriage is hardly worth living.

If you've been dressing in secret, then you risk getting caught again. If this is the case, then a discussion is warranted. YOu already know what will happen if you are caught again.

If you've not been dressing, but the urge has gotten to the point that you need to do it again. Then talk to her.

When you talk, ask her if you've changed, in her eyes, from when you first married.

The idea here is to be able to show her that even though you are a CD, and she has known this for the last 8 years, you're still the same person you've always been. That CDing will not change you in the future. But you have to believe that yourself.

Other than no longer having to hide it, what will you gain by telling her? Such as, going out enfemme (some CDs do not have the courage to go out enfemme), or just be able to relax around the house enfemme.

Know ahead of time what you're response will be if she says she accepts it but doesn't want to see it, and does not want you going out, does not want you shaving your legs, chest, etc.

What ever you do, don't get in an argument over it. Try to stay calm so you can, hopefully, get her to rationally express her thoughts on the subject.

You might want to get Helen Boyd's book "My Husband Betty" and have it on hand so you can ask her to read the first 4 chapters.

Be prepared for her saying NO, and that she won't discuss it all. Not even with a marriage counselor knowledgable in TG issues. Know what your response is going to be. Only you know whether you can continue in the marriage as you have been, for the next umpteen years.

[Rachel Morley]

Hello Melissa,

I feel so sad for you. I do hope something good comes out of this. There is something I don't understand though. Were you ever a manly man? Were you the strong protecting type who would look after her? ...and if you were, or more to the point if you wife feels that your were, (as far as she is concerned) do you think that she will feel vulnerable that by being an open cder you will be less of the person you used top be? The person that presumably she fell in love with?

I think that your wife's reluctance is borne out of fear of something. If I am right what do you think it might be? Do you think that it might be that if she allows your dressing she will be frightened of where it might lead?

I would like to suggest to you that if you can get past this "thing" that is stopping your wife from even discussing your dressing, things might come to an amicable but perhaps compromised situation. There is one other thing, you must let your wife know that she is in charge. Let her decide "how far this goes". I know thins might be frustrating for you but it's a start.

Fear of the unknown (unknown to her as to where this might lead) is a bad thing. Nothing bad can happen if you both just take it slow and let her decide if it's going too fast.

Good luck, respectfully
Angel

[Wendy me]

girlfreind i can feel for you as my wife knows and just dosent want any thing to do with it .... but over time i think she might come around ... i hope. but some things that arn't going away ...hair , boobs and a few little changes well this is me and there is not a day that i don't think how mutch easyer it would be if she would just lighten up a bit ....but i am quite shure that she is also thinking ....just how mutch easyer things would be if i just spopped all this .... for some things get better and for some things stay the same .... then outhers things get worse so it can be frustrating....
best wishes for you ....

[~Sweet~]

Over the years I have chatted with many GG's who have not been supportive of their spouses choices. For the majority of them it was the lack of understanding it. They believed all the myths.
-If he wants to wear girls clothes he must be gay
-dressing in girls clothes is just some sort of sexual perversion
I am sure you know all the other myths.
They don't fully understand that you didn't choose to be this way. You didn't just wake up one morning and say I think I want to be a girl. They need to understand you were born that way.
If you have a spouse thats not so supportive please feel free to give them my email addy I will be happy to talk with them.
I once had someones wife email me because I signed her spouses guest book and she was freaking at me cause I was supportive she felt that it was my fault that her husband dressed because I saw nothing wrong with it and was supporting it. Some people you just can't make understand, but there are many that eventually do.
Even if they can see the little signs, like how much happier and cheerful you are when you dress, sometimes that help.
Good Luck

[Darlene.]

Hello Melissa,

I suggest that you first decide clearly in your mind where it is you want to be. (That is where you want to go.) Then take the necessary steps to get there. Do it as non hurtful as you can, but do it.

As Julie M pointed out it is your journey. If she wants to be apart of it so be it….if not that is her choice.

If you are not the driver of where you want to go, someone else will be. And who the driver will be….is your choice.

Love Darlene.

[Melissa A.]

Hi Melissa,

All the advice you got here has been great. You probably already know how I feel, as I have told you more than once. As someone who has read your stories, there is one thing I want to remind you of, although I'm sure you haven't forgotten it:

You have made so many sacrifices for the good of your mariage, and relationship with someone who has shown you very little, if any consideration on this topic. She is convinced that she is right. Fine. I think that you are already on a course that will lead you to confronting her, and asking for some compassion, and compromise. At that point, she will discover that being right often gets you only that, being right. (we both know she is not, but that is beside the point) It can be a pretty hollow victory if you also end up alone, and disrespected. You have nobley given up a part of yourself for her, and suffered because of it, in many ways. You have listed those things that have been affected because of this. And now, the most important repucussion-the loss of your respect and affection, She is clueless about! All because she has put you in a position where you not only can't experience the femininity that is a part of you, You can't even TALK about it with her! This is your life partner who is supposed to care about your happiness and feelings. Just think about that for a minute. And when you talk to her, ask her to.

So no, Melissa I do not think you are wrong. You have thought about her for so long, and it has not been returned. By all means, tread carefully, get resources to back you up, be prepared to compromise, And let her know you love her and understand her resistance.

But by no means should this one-sided situation continue on this way. You deserve so much more. As far as we know, you only get one life. I think you know that this isn't the way to live it.

You are an amazingly gifted writer. I don't know if you are as good verbally, with your wife, especially on this subject. It could degenerate into something ugly real quickly, if the wrong things are said, by either of you. Maybe you should consider writing her a letter, first, and see how she digests that, before you talk. If she is reading your heartfelt words instead of listening to you, she has no choice but to continue reading. She can't interrupt you or throw you off what you plan to say. And you are such a good writer, Melissa. Just a thought.

Either way, you know I am thinking of you and wish you all the strength and luck you can find.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[eileen1969]

I really appreciate your courage and my heart goes out to you! I believe you can ask about anyone for advice with this, lots of great input girls! I for one gave up on my ex-Shannon because of her own insecurties. Sadly it changed our relationship, I let go of her and it took a lot for me to do just that. I believe the answer that you look for is deep within and you know what your answer is. Listen to your heart and connect your heart with you mind and the possiblities are endless. Sounds like your at a turning piont and want to be free, I pray this works out for you!? Keep in mind that if you love yourself enough, everyone else is secondary! No one person can love another if he/she does not love oneself. Take care of you and God be with you Love Ronxoxo ;) :)

[carolynhcd]

Dear Melissacd,

I hate to seem both pecuniary and brusque simultaneously, but what part does financial consideration play in this decision that weighs so heavily on you? Will you be financially ruined by divorce? Will you have your reputation ruined by court proceedings? Are there children to become disaffected? If it is a simple matter (and it seldom is) of do you stay together or not, then go for it. Do not put her in the driver's seat. You know who you are and what you need. You have seen ample proof here that there are GGs who are supportive and attracted to girls like us. I have had more than a few GG GFs who were happy to sleep with a girl like me. You say that your love has grown cold. Some people like cold pizza. Some try to reheat it with varying degrees of success. Some chuck it in the bin and move on. I would hate to be in a relationship where my girlside is merely tolerated. I could not tolerate that. Your position is so much worse. This "wife" of yours has shown you, not least by that incident in the shoe store, that she is narrowminded and bigoted and totally insecure in her own femininity. I can only wish for you to become the person you know yourself to be. I know, as referenced above, that there are many things that need to be considered. But, damn it girl, be a man and put your posh frock on and tell her to love it or leave it.

[melissacd]

I love the ideas that you are giving me and thanks so much for the moral support.

In answer to Carolyn's comment, there are kids and the financial side of things will clearly be an issue if it gets to that point, hopefully it does not. But what I find really important is that you guys have helped me so much in appreciating that it is not right for someone else to dictate to you who you can and cannot be. In as much as it is a surprise for her and there are many issues to work through, if she truelly loves me she will work through them. If she does not love me enough to work through them then maybe I am in the wrong relationship anyway and perhaps this will just accelerate what should happen anyway. I don't mean to seem cllous, but I realize I cannot not be who I am and this has been my struggle over these past years.

And ~Sweet~ thanks so much for the offer to have my wife email you. My wife is a bit of a Luddite when it comes to computers. She does not know how to use one and has only in the last month suggested that she would like to learn. One of my strategies is to get her her own computer and find some way to get her hooked into places that will give her good info on CDing that will help her understand. I have looked at your site and it is a good place for her to look at. thanks for your support.

Melissa A - thanks for your support, you make me blush when you say that I am a talented writer :o That is so kind of you to say...You are a sweet sweet girl.

A Big Hug To All Of You
Thanks For Being There
I Love You All
Melissa