Zoey
05-13-2005, 12:10 PM
I'm just sort of thinking out loud here. I hope it's okay. I've been trying hard to understand why I feel the way I do. I started crossdressing just a few months ago, but as a child, I can remember feeling very sad about being a boy. I think part of this was because I was painfully shy. Other boys were loud and interested in gross things. It was easier for me to understand and get along with girls. I've started to realize there was something else too. Somehow, I came to think that being a boy meant being a bad person. Being male seemed to mean always being very selfish and inconsiderate and not caring about who they hurt. I was always very worried about bothering other people. I didn't want to make anyone else feel bad. No matter how hard I tried to be nice though, I thought that I would end up hurting people just because I was a boy. It was male nature. I didn't want to be uncaring or selfish or interested only in ugly things, but that's what everything around me was telling me I was supposed to be. I was afraid I couldn't escape it. I tried to be quiet and not bother anyone. I was very contained. My mom was worried I would get stomach ulcers. I felt like I didn't know who I was, but that other people would hate me if they knew what was going on in my mind. I should know better now, but it still bothers me.