What happened after tellling a friend?

[Beth-Lock]

I have experimented with telling friends and acquaintances about my CD'ing, I guess because I seek acceptance as part of the process of coming out, and I once thought, transitioning. I have often got negative reactions.
One friend said if I was, and I guess he thought I was kidding, he would have nothing more to do with me.
A couple of friends were told, and seemed not to raise a fuss, yet when I was spotted doing it around here, some time later, they more or less started a process of alienation from me ending by going ballistic. It was like a slow burning fuse had been ignited.
A very good friend, though not deserting me, though he did think of it briefly seems to have a phobia about it, and freaks out at the thought of even looking at a pictue of me dressed.
Recently I told a couple of women friends, and one reacted in a sort of blustery way, and the other said, 'I am laughing at you.' while sort of laughing, half behind her hand over her face.
After all those negative reactions, and more,I am starting to withdraw from friends, avoid making new ones, and try and live in a more anonymous way, as just another face in a crowd of strangers.
What has been your experience?

[DanaR]

I have never told any friends, but others people that I know that have, ended up with similar experiences. Most of my friends (outside of the community) that know me as a girl, don't know me as a guy. In a way that is kind of weird, but has worked for me. As my doctor tells me, I live two different lives.

[KatrinaAshley]

Leading two different lives feels safer to me. How can anyone choose to risk a few friends just to see how they'd react? Nobody knows about the second side of me but this site, and currently that's limited to being a simple name on the page.

[susanmichelle]

I guess I've been really lucky there with telling friends. I have told every one of my friends but I have always looked for friends that are open minded and really are a bit different themselves as well. I have not had one friend tell me I was sick or otherwise. I have met alot of new friends thru the years too and always tell them straight away or soon after meeting them as I dont want to waste my time or theirs if they feel indifferent about my dressing. I am the way I am and will always be this way so if they cant live with it then so be it but as I said either I pick different friends thru the years or have been really lucky having such good ones like I have.

[trannie T]

A year ago a friend kept pestering me asking what I had done over the weekend. He refused to be satisfied with my vague answers so I finally told him that I had worn my dress to a crossdresser's event. The expression on his face when I told him was priceless. After the shock wore off he was ok with my activity. We have remained friends and he even makes an occasional joke about crossdressing.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Hmmmmmm, I guess I will put a different spin on this answer. It seems to me that the question is do you live for yourself or for those that are currently your friends from your male persona.

I have been really been comming out over the past year and think that at this point in my life, I want to live for myself and if those I know are ok with who I am, great! If not, well there are new friends to be made that know the real me. Isnt that why friendships here have developed?

I love being able to chat with friends here and other rooms. I have come to dearly love them becasue there is nothing better the being totally honest with someone.

SO I guess I am saying, live life for yourself before it's too late

[deja true]

Beth, your experience is my fear. So I have never been able to confide in the friends I have now.

This is where this site and events like the Be-All and SCC come in. As we get older, we think it's hard to make new friends, but given an interest so specialized, if we expose ourselves to a group committed to the same interest, we'll find and make new friends, real friends, in a heartbeat. Happened for me at Be-All!

Happens for gear heads at autos shows. Happens for basement dwelling anime freaks at conventions. The right venue, the right people, will make all the difference. You need to find people who share your predominant interest for the moment. Ex-Marines are gonna find it hard to share with their buddies at the VFW, but at SCC they'll be surrounded by sympathetic 'co-conspirators'.

A thread here from a while back talked about the nature of ones accepting friends and a great preponderance of truly supportive friends had backgrounds in the arts and among IT geeks. So find yourself some 'outside' characters to share your 'secret self' with; artists, musicians, performers, writers, programmers, young people, emos, goths...

We cannot live without friends, friends become family when we have no family or when our families abandon us....

Do not isolate yourself, do not go all recluse on us, okay?

Believe me, I know this only too well...

:<3:

[Suzy Harrison]

Well, as some of you will know, I agonised for a while before I told my two GG friends at work (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=83497)

After I did it turned out better than I could have ever imagined (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=84100)

If you choose carefully then you'll be okay

[EnglishRose]

My friend freaked a bit when I had black nail polish once, which wasn't even related to dressing... so no I haven't told him!

[Christen3042]

I've mentioned getting regular pedicures (no color) to several of my friends, explaining that I'm diabetic and it does wonders to have one's feet massaged. Most of them have given me pretty weird looks and one even said "You might not want to spread that around too much."
I don't think they'd be too accepting, but I suspect that some of them may be envious - they'd like to do the same but don't have the nerve to admit it.
Strangely enough, the women having their nails done when I'm in the salon all seem disappointed that I'm not getting any color. Go figure.

[Leslie Foxx]

I've not lost any true friends over my coming out. One who used to stop by frequently doesn't come around as often, but his wife has become a more frequent visitor. She formerly worked in Ptown, and has many variant friends in her life.

I've found in general that the GGs I've come out to are more readily accepting than the men. I think it catches the men off balance, and they aren't sure how they should act or react.

I must admit that my femme self is a bit devilish, and flirtacious. I think that behavior tends to keep the guys a bit "nervous", which is a reaction I don't discourage. I don't do it maliciously, but with a generous portion of humor.

You don't get any more old friends, so I understand those who don't want to burn bridges. Yet, if you cannot be who you are when you are in their company, are they really the type of friend you want to have a lasting friendship with? I found very liberating that I no longer had to put out the energy of posturing who I wasn't.

[MsJanessa]

to decide who to confide in and who not to--the best advice someone once gave Me is that if you have the slightest doubt about the person, then don't confide.

[Shelly67]

I,ve a couple of friends who remain dear to me , but , I,m fearful of losing them if I were to come out . Its a bit strange , as I'm sure they have an idea about Michelle , but I think its prolly better she stays hidden away unless I'm asked .
The same goes for my sister in law .....remarks about my shaven legs and arms , it hurts me to keep this a secret , but then I think the only person who really needs to know is my wife . I can trust her .

Folks can be really odd and strange on the subject of crossdressing . I gather it can be either judged as laughable ( womans view ) or even fear ( no we are not coming onto you , as an informed male ) so it can be very hard to gauge a persons reaction to what still to some is seen as a taboo lifestyle .......

[tommi]

I,ve a couple of friends who remain dear to me , but , I,m fearful of losing them if I were to come out . Its a bit strange , as I'm sure they have an idea about Michelle , but I think its prolly better she stays hidden away unless I'm asked .
The same goes for my sister in law .....remarks about my shaven legs and arms , it hurts me to keep this a secret , but then I think the only person who really needs to know is my wife . I can trust her .

Folks can be really odd and strange on the subject of crossdressing . I gather it can be either judged as laughable ( womans view ) or even fear ( no we are not coming onto you , as an informed male ) so it can be very hard to gauge a persons reaction to what still to some is seen as a taboo lifestyle .......

Michelle you nailed it my day time job would suffer greatly if people knew,small town very religous.
For me though my wife knows and hates it so I come hear for friendship and
acceptance.

[jennifer41356]

its never been important to me if any of my friends know or not, I have told a couple of female friends and they were cool and eventually liked me better as a girl..they both seemed to suspect..one of my female friends would always ask me if she could tell someone, usually someone we both knew and I was ok with it and they all were positive..I have maybe 3 male friends who dont know and I feel they dont need to know...as i dont see them very often...so my advice, choose carefully and observe how they act in life, the more open they are to different and new things the better they will understand and support you:2c:

[KandisTX]

In all honesty, the ones that "leave" were never truly friends to begin with. I have had some that left and it hurt me deeply because I thought they were my friends, and others that I thought might leave became even closer friends.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[JoAnnDallas]

Christen3042........I go once a month for my 2 hours of pure bliss and get the full works. Pedicure/toe nails polished/maincure/fill/nail polish/eyebrows waxed. I have never had another customer complain about me or that I am getting bright Red polish on my toes. In fact I have had customers reconmind various shades of Red. One customer wanted to know the name of the pale Pink polish I was getting on my hands. I once had a young lady about 8-9 years old getting her nails polished look at my toes and told me her Daddy like to wear Red polish on his toes too. LOL

[Beth-Lock]

I guess I have become more confident as I have matured, but maybe I have become overconfident now. In my youth, I took my guide from the saying of the pessimistic philosopher Schopenhauer, 'Never tell a friend anything you would conceal from an an enemy.'
I guess the example has been set by gay people, who generally are discreet and keep that side of themselves, mainly to their gay friends, to the extent that it is not seemingly fairly obvious by their look or behavior. (I say seemingly, because many are falsely read as gay. One really cannot tell by appearance.)
So far, people in the general public are not paranoid or tuned in to looking for signs that we are CD's or trannies, when we are not dressed very much in that mode. For so many years, people were paranoid about gays, in that unsavory way. Maybe it will come to that with us, but more likely it will involve GG's being suspected of being CD's. (It has happened a couple of times around here, for people suspecting GG's were me!)
I guess it is back to living secret lives on the one hand, and an irreproachable public life on the other. Meanwhile It seems best to dump a bunch of so-called friends who I told but have reacted poorly.

[Emily Anderson]

I'm afraid to say this, but I've always felt that you must be ready to take the consequences of telling anyone, whether it be family, friends or whoever.

That takes a lot of courage; meaning you need to be in a position where you are ready to face the reactions, answer all the questions, and take responsibility for the results, good or bad.

You need to think about the outcomes: What is the best thing that could happen, and what is the worst thing that could happen (and about the grey in between). Are you ready for that?

[Toni_Lynn]

Well, the one friend that I told did not go well. The relationship was never quite that same with him after that. It was as if I suddenly turned green and had a big wart on my nose. Eventually our friendship just withered and died.

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[Crissy Kay]

Since I am mainly a closet dresser, I see no reason to tell anyone about me. I belive that its not anyones business what I do in my own apartment.

[Laurelanne]

Hey courage..camille" (Quote from BobHope) I never really told anyone at anytime ecept my wives, but a few found out, all of those are no longer CLOSE as friends, but one still is..and thats all that matters because as my mom always said" A friend is someone who knows ALL about you, and still likes you!".. :heehee:

[Beth-Lock]

Emily, I could have never foreseen the worst consequences in my case. But whether you see the consequences as possible or not, you have to take them. I think I have always played the 'nice guy' too much. It is naive I guess to think that one can get away without unintended bad consequences, or at leat come scarily near to them.

[terri7]

told my best friend recently ..she kinda knew was just too good a friend to mention.
got to the point in my life spiritually and physically couldn't hide my developing fem self any more ..my breasts are c cup large so no real hiding them any more.. katie was starting to tease me about them ..so being to embarrassed to tell her just showed up at her house wearing my favorite bra under a clingy tee shirt ..she loved it ..that i was finally brave enough to share my softer side with her and how big and soft my boobies were.. teased me my cup size was bigger than hers ..katie is so funnie .. very helpful and supportive ..she has been buying me clothes and helping with hair and make up ..calls me girl friend on the phone ..she's my bosom buddie ..spend alot of time at her house just doing the girl thing ..some times we go out to play as a guy some times girl ..
how ever the wind blows ..kinda of the best of both worlds .she is just a sweet heart ..
she tells me the same.. loving life in cute little undies ..peace ..katie says.. hi ..

[Beth-Lock]

I guess what one is really doing in telling friends, is seeing if they will become an extra special kind of friend, one who will respect you in the new MTF role. It is like filtering your existing base of friends and acquaintances. The alternative is to not use your existing base of friends as candidates for such a special friendship, and instead, seek such friends elsewhere, where you expect that you will likely find people tolerant of this.
In the strategy of seeking friends, there are those two different tactics, not that to a certain degree it might be appropriate to use both depending on how you appraise the prospective friend or special friend.
That leads to the question, of how one can find which is which. I used to try to pave the way with different questions, not really related. One used to be how tolerant a person is towards gays. Now of course, nearly every nice person is either tolerant, and perhaps tolerant of that alone, or faking tolerance. So, while a useful test, it is much less useful than before. I guess one of the traits that is behind tolerance of tranniehood, is whether an individual values the masculine model of behavior highly, or the feminine, (or at least is tolerant of it). To further ascertain this, one way, after asking some questions, would be to show some sign of effeminacy, a carefully chosen one and see what reaction it provokes. One might be to put a show cap on, in the rain. It could be passed off as an eccentricity, later, And so it goes. Anyone have further ideas?

[Jonianne]

Hi Beth,
I feel sad that you have had such negative experiences. Maybe I am pessimistic about this but, I can't imagine the world in general accepting something out of the mainstream like cd/ts any time soon. The world misses out on knowing the hearts of some of its best people. Gender phobia is still very, very strong. So be very careful with who you share your heart with. There are plenty who are accepting folks, but it is always a risk in opening up. I was forced to, my ex threatened to tell everyone so I beat her to the punch and shared with all the important people in my life. I had established a solid relationship with them so it may have been a shock, but most were OK once they knew I was still the same person and that my cd'ing was not going to affect them. Actualy when I shared this secret with them, some of them, in time, felt safe to share some of their secrets with me.

Bless you

[AshleyCD]

I find that for me not all my friends need to know everything about me. There are different ones that I like doing different things and talking about different things about. I even have some that I know wouldn't care, but don't see how it would improve on the relationship. I also have some friends who do know and are totally cool with it, but they don't exactly live normal lives either. Some are poly, some into bondage, find most people who live an alternative life themselves are probably going to be cool with it.

[MJ]

it's times like that you find out who your true friends are .
instead of withdrawing from the world you should embrace it , Just do it and to hell with your so called non accepting friends . you will find others to replace them and they will accept the real you ..

whats better to live? . a lie or the truth ? if your time on earth is short and you look back .... was it worth it .. WHAT IF !!! . At least i can say i did the best i could i have no regrets . do you want to live for the world view in fear ..or live for yourself

[Angie G]

This is why I wish only my wife know I just make my life easier I dress enough at home and don't need to go 24/7 Or even have others know.:hugs:
Angie

[Beth-Lock]

Jonianne, in a way I was forced to share it with people here, after a meddlesome person working on the maintance staff in my building, after (only partially) seeing me dressed, exposed me in the most sensationalistic way, via gossip. So, a lot of my sharing it with others was basically by way of damage control, though I had shared it with two people here in a low-key way, people who later went ballistic once the gossip hit them, and after. So, basically I have had an uneasy relationship with the gossip-mongers around here. One never knows what to do. There is an old wisdom that you should hear it right from the person involved, instead of only from gossip, but that does not necessarily work when the people are put into the worst frame of mind via the gossip, or maybe would never have heard without one assuming the gossip would get to them eventually. These are all judgment calls, aren't they? I am not sure, even knowing what resulted, how I would have been better to handle it, except by keeping a low profile and not making any friends in the first place, to remain an anonymous face in the crowd. That is what I am now gravitating towards.

[Amy Hepker]

Hey, don't worry about it, if they are true friends they will always be friends. If not they will move on. Be yourself and enjoy your real life. I told a very good friend of mine one time and he basically said "so". We are still very good friends. He knows I am not gay, so there is no problem.

Be yourself and live.

[Joanne f]

Well after all my so called friends found out i lost them all .







joanne

[jenny logan]

I have only told my wife and my therapist. We live in an extremely conservative god fearing community where being different means being ostracized. There is still a subtle but strong KKK presence, the God squaders almost suceeded in getting intelligent design taught as science, and we had a former mayor tried(but acquitted) for helping local racists murder an innocent black woman during the race riots in 1969 when he was a police officer. I have met a few local cders but we are extremely careful in choosing where to go. There is a local club, but discretion is definitely the better part of valor. Maybe it will eventually change, but it will be a long time coming.

Jenny L.

[charlie]

I have experimented with telling friends and acquaintances about my CD'ing, I guess because I seek acceptance as part of the process of coming out, and I once thought, transitioning. I have often got negative reactions.
One friend said if I was, and I guess he thought I was kidding, he would have nothing more to do with me.
A couple of friends were told, and seemed not to raise a fuss, yet when I was spotted doing it around here, some time later, they more or less started a process of alienation from me ending by going ballistic. It was like a slow burning fuse had been ignited.
A very good friend, though not deserting me, though he did think of it briefly seems to have a phobia about it, and freaks out at the thought of even looking at a pictue of me dressed.
Recently I told a couple of women friends, and one reacted in a sort of blustery way, and the other said, 'I am laughing at you.' while sort of laughing, half behind her hand over her face.
After all those negative reactions, and more,I am starting to withdraw from friends, avoid making new ones, and try and live in a more anonymous way, as just another face in a crowd of strangers.
What has been your experience?

Hello Beth!
old friends and new friends are important to our lives. This forum is great, but you need live connection with other people. My answer, "Don't tell, don't ask how people feel about it.
Charlie

[jayme357]

I'm a bit surprised at many of the comments. When we develop a circle of friends it is because we have some or many things in common. We enjoy the same sports, we bike or ski together, we go to the theater and have special dinners together. When we introduce a totally new dimension - hey, forgot to tell you but I might really be a woman, or at least in my own mind I might be one. I even dress as a woman every chance I get. Let's face it, we have just changed the dynamics of a relationship completely, and yet we are surprised that our friends don't embrace us with open arms! Why are we so self centered that we think that everyone should be sensitive to our needs? Why should we not be sensitive to our friends needs? I guess if our goal is to transition, then we shoud focus on those in our social circle that might be amenable to exploring a different dimension. To expect the average person who knows us in a traditional setting to welcome this announcement with a blaring of trumpets is a bit naive.

I have shared my feminine side with perhaps a half dozen people in my life. In each case there was no ulterior motive. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. There are other friends that just might be understanding, but what am I going to gain by sharing? This is my life, I accept it, I enjoy it, I would not give it up for anything. I feel no need to burden others just so I can feel better about the life I have chosen.

Sorry for the somewhat negative response - not my normal style. But, it distresses me that so much our energy is spent questioning the other 90% of the world. I am me, I am happy with myself, and I can find some way to fit in.

[MalibuJenny]

To me, telling close friends is a lot like telling your S.O... At some point, it's relevant for them to know if you are close.

I told a few female friends but that wasn't very scary and even though they were very surprised, it was no big deal in the longer term.

But I told one of my closest male friends and he took it badly. He actually cried!

I decided to tell him because I was out to a few other friends and had a girlfriend (who he knew) that was really into going out with me while I was dressed. I was very concerned about him finding out the wrong way and then having it be a big issue between us. We had always been very open and honest with each other and I felt dishonest for not telling him.

He didn't even know what to say and then when I pushed him the day after (the silence was horrible, as we were traveling together), that's when he got upset and cried a bit. Said he really felt sorry for me.

I told him that he shouldn't and that even though this was a shock to him (we've know each other since we were little kids) that I had been living with it my whole life and I was the same perfectly happy person he'd always known.

I made a quick decision to tell his fiance because it was obvious he needed someone to talk to about it, so I asked him first then told her. She's a real free spirit and barely blinked. I know the two of them talked about it to a good degree.

He and I almost never talk about my CDing but I'm still glad he knows. In fact, not long after telling him I accidentally sent him an email from my Jennifer email acount and he knew it was from me because of what I wrote and I'm sure I signed my male name. So, I didn't have to explain that... It could have really blown up in my face and put a serious challenge into our friendship.

Also, I'm single and live alone and have always worried about something happening to me and others finding out about this somewhat secret life. So, I talked to him about that and he agreed he would step in if something happened to me. It was (is) really cool to have that understanding.

I hated that I upset him but I'm glad he knows. He's mentioned a couple of times, usually around my relationships -- in the "does she know?" vein.

I have another male friend that I'm even closer to but he doesn't live in my area and the odds of him finding out are very low, so I decided not to tell him because I think he would be very, very upset -- even though I know we would never stop being friends.

[Lisa Elaine]

I have told four of my close friends, all female. Only one has seen me wearing my clothing (I only have waist-down stuff: skirt, hose, heels), and the others have seen my painted toenails and shaved legs but nothing else. In all cases, it's been nothing but acceptance! The one that saw me in my skirt was the one who helped me go shopping for it! :heehee:

[rian]

The rule of thumb about a crossdresser is never to reveale your Identity before you secure the grounds first ....you have to watch out for the enviroment ,freinds, family ...Starting from the big circle moving to the smaller circle ....It is a dangerous grounds ,,....for me I m still a sloset Cd not even my wife knows ...because of the reaction towards this action ....so please take very cautious moves and do not claim to every one .

[AmandaM]

The rule of thumb about a crossdresser is never to reveale your Identity before you secure the grounds first ....you have to watch out for the enviroment ,freinds, family ...Starting from the big circle moving to the smaller circle ....It is a dangerous grounds ,,....for me I m still a sloset Cd not even my wife knows ...because of the reaction towards this action ....so please take very cautious moves and do not claim to every one .

Exactly. I lost all my friends and was labelled a "faggot". In some circles in America, this will get you beat up or worse. I'm sure the UK is about the same. I don't even want to contemplate being in the Middle East.

[Jamie001]

Amanda,

The friends that you lost were never real friends. It is really important to remember that. Friends that accept you as you are for better or worse are your true friends. I know that it must feel like a loss to you, but it is actually for the better. I believe that if you can't be yourself with your friends, that they are really not friends.

:hugs: Jamie


Exactly. I lost all my friends and was labelled a "faggot". In some circles in America, this will get you beat up or worse. I'm sure the UK is about the same. I don't even want to contemplate being in the Middle East.

[Bev06 GG]

To be honest Beth I think it says more about your friends than anything else. How immature of them all. I can understand someone having a problem if they have to live with you and really dont like it, but come on it doesn't even affect a friend, what are they like. I agree with Laurelanne, a friend is someone who knows everything about you and still likes you. Beth they couldn't have been true friends if theyre so shallow that they would let something like Crossdressing come between you, you haven't got a disease, you are just more adventurous when it comes to expressing yourself and you probably have bags more character than they'll ever have.
:love:

[JaytoJillian]

I have never told any friends, but others people that I know that have, ended up with similar experiences. Most of my friends (outside of the community) that know me as a girl, don't know me as a guy. In a way that is kind of weird, but has worked for me. As my doctor tells me, I live two different lives.

Completely, totally ditto!

[Sophia KT]

I had a tough time with 'friends'.

Lots of people pretend to be okay with things because they think it sounds good to be broadminded, but the are often not.

I am well practiced at not caring though; all I have to do now is stop people using my natural secretivity against me.


I will be prevailing on this, trust me.

Sorry if I sound nuts.

[PrettyGiGi]

Aside from my ex wife, and I limited the discussion to panties, I have told my best friend, who is a GG, and a former girlfriend who kind of stalks me. Both were extremely accepting. My best friend and I keep trying to find time to have a girls' weekend but it is tough, and the former girlfriend loves it. She might be a future girlfriend if this keeps up.

[AmandaM]

Well, I understand what you are saying. I came out of the long-haired, keg-party, Led Zeppelin/Black Sabbath headbanging crowd who skimmed the edge of outlaw biker gangs. So, it was probably my situation. Manliness wasn't to be triffled with.



Amanda,

The friends that you lost were never real friends. It is really important to remember that. Friends that accept you as you are for better or worse are your true friends. I know that it must feel like a loss to you, but it is actually for the better. I believe that if you can't be yourself with your friends, that they are really not friends.

:hugs: Jamie