About to tell my wife

[joanne lavin]

Hi there everyone. I'm new to the forum but am glad I found this site. My first thread is a request for help and advice.
I have dressed for quite a number of years but my wife has never know about my feminine side. I have found from reading many threads, that it's often better to unload this secret to ones spouse rather than get found out.
I have at last reached that stage and would gladly accept any HELPFULL advice on how to appraoch this delicate moment in my marraige.
I know some of you may condem me for living this lie for so long but I supposse you could say I was " Just waiting for the right moment "
Look forward to any replies.

Joanne

[yms]

I don't condemn you at all, and no one else should either. But I'm not so sure telling you wife is the best thing to do. For one, you say you want to unburden yourself. That's the wrong reason for doing it, because now your wife bears the burden. Who does she get to tell?

If you tell her, please be ready to have your marriage end, because that could happen. I don't know your marital situation at all, so maybe your relationship with your wife is one that will hold up, and I hope it is. You don't mention if you have children. A lot of harm can also come from unburdening yourself.

Why don't you try talking to a therapist first, about crossdressing and your marriage. In therapy you can sort your feeling out and decide the best way to approach this.

I hate to sound so negative, but we're not talking "thong vs boy shorts" here.

All I can say is, good luck.

[Mollyanne]

Hi Joann, First of all everyone has to live with there own choice(s) to tell or not to tell. Secondly, when making this decision to tell you must consider the length of the marriage and the strength of the bond between you both. Now you should ask yourself is she open minded or is she narrow minded? Only you can answer these questions but remember when you do tell her presentation is everything and gentleness without overburdening is the key along with as much info as she is willing to accept at the moment. Let her digest it and let her ask the questions, you just answer the questions honestly!!!!
Hope this helps!!!!!


:love: Mollyanne


PS: btw, welcome to the "family" its always good to know there is another sister here

[Nikki K]

Please, take your time and plan well...

I've recently gone through this same experience and it wasn't pretty. (Please, please, read this thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=83297) for more information and LOTS of great advice from our friends here.) I did not do it well and right now you're at risk of following way too closely in my footsteps. So far I've managed to save our marriage only because of the incredible love and bond that we have. That depth of bond got us through this; anything less and I would be in a motel by now.

Everyone's reason for sharing this with their SO is different. It would be wise to plan very carefully; understand exactly where you want to go with it. Be very sure that you full understand your own feelings, needs, and wants before you try to share this information with your wife. Where are you on the MtF continuum? What are your plans for your future?

I would strongly recommend that you take a big, deep breath and do not rush into this. There is no checklist, project plan, prescribed method, or guaranteed method.

Whichever path you choose; good luck and best wishes.

Nikki

[Holly]

Joanne, as the others have so correctly pointed out, this is your decision to make. You and only you have the knowledge to make such a decision. Having said that, I support you in your desire in wanting to set things straight with your wife. Keeping secrets for a partner adds more stress to a relationship than we often realize. While it is true that trans-gender issues can be a big issue to overcome, very often the bigger issue is the lying and the deceit in hiding it away. Read the postings of our GG members (check out the Loved Ones section) and see if this doesn't ring true.

As to how to go about it, there is no "one size fits all" answer. But here are a couple of suggestions to help you along the way.


Be prepared. Know what it is that you want to tell her. Have your thoughts organized. If you have run across any material that applies to you (posts from this forum, for example) have them ready to share as well.
Listen more than you talk. Your wife will likely have a lot going through her mind. It is important that you listen closely to what she is saying so that you can properly compose your responses to her concerns.
Select a time when you will not be interrupted. Turn off the TV. If you have kids, let them go out on sleep overs. Turn on the answering machine. You need to focus every bit of your attention on her.
Let her set the pace. If she says she needs time to process this new information, give it to her. If she has questions, answer them truthfully. Never, ever give her an ultimatum (accept it or else, etc.).
Reassure her that your love for her is stronger than ever.
I told my wife several years ago... we celebrate our 40th anniversary later this year. It can and does work. Of course the stronger your foundation, the greater the chances of a successful ongoing relationship. Best wishes to you.

[MJ]

I don't condemn you at all. Only you know your wife . how do you think she will react . you have great advice so far . make sure you have printed information for her and also make sure you answer her questions stay calm
i wish you well

[JoAnnDallas]

As others have said, be prepared for the ups and downs. I told my wife over a year ago. For the next year it was a "No Ask, No Tell" poilcy. We agreed tht I was not to dress in front of her. Then two months ago, we came face-to-face with me fully dressed. We talked for about 4 hours straight with me sitting there fully dressed. Since then I have gotton lucky and she has decided to accept my CDing. She has even gone shopping with me, helped me get dressed for my Tri-Ess meeting, and even took a picture of me dressed. It took over a year and a lot of talking to get to where I am now. It could just as easly gone the other way and I could easly be living by myself now.
So if you realy need to tell her, be prepared to answer any and all questions. Be totally truthful and be prepared for a lot of ranting, crying, anger, fustration, and any other host of emotions. Do not expect this to be all roses or even to go favoritely at the beginning. This procoss can take anywhere from days to years to acheive acceptance or your marriage could end minutes after you tell her and she demands you move out right then. She could also give you an ultimatum, "Her or CDing".
We have seen the whole spectrum of couples and CDing here on this fourm, so feel free to ask as many questions you fill you need.

[joanne lavin]

Me again. Thanks Nikki for your reply and your earlier thread, which I have read and which gives me something to think about.
Holly, thanks you too for your reply, it has certainly set my mind to wondering if I should remain closeted.
I should have given more personal details i,e That I am 61 and have been married 36 years and have two sons who live in different parts of the world. My wife is also a counsellor in the education system and I hope that this would help her if I come out to her.
Over those 36 years I had only on few occassions dressed but in the past five to six years I have had more oppertunity to dress regularly and I dress when the chances come and for most of the day.
What do I get from dressing is what many of you have expressed, peace of mind, feeling so relaxed and at just wonderful been 'Feminine " for that short time.
These feelings are what has made me I think, want to dress more often and for a brief time leave this stressed male body and exit it for a period.
As I mentioned in my thread, the thought of getting caught one day has obviously increased with my increase in dressing sessions and this I would have thought would be more of a shock than coming out to my wife.
I should mention as well, that my wife has seen me dress as a female. We went to a fancy dress party and I persuaded her to let me get dressed as a maid. I think I looked pretty good and she had know trouble going to it with me this way, although I don't expect she would do that in any other situation.
I have NO desire to be dressd when she is at home or any other time .
Once again thanks for the replies. I will now take my time in making in deciding if I should, now have I read your replies.

Joanne

[tricia_uktv]

Joanne, big question I suppose is; why, really, do you want to tell her? Good luck hon

[Emily Anderson]

Above all, read the post from Marla GG:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=205772&postcount=1

Before you say anything, be prepared to be truthful, at least as far as you know yourself today!

[Natalia]

I have NO desire to be dressd when she is at home or any other time .
Once again thanks for the replies. I will now take my time in making in deciding if I should, now have I read your replies.

Joanne


Hi Joanne,

36 years? No desire to be dressed around her. Keep it to yourself. I don't tell my wife everything - if there is no chance she will find out, and telling her is a selfish choice which pretty much can only end badly - what's the point?:2c:

[Celeste]

If I were faced with your situation,I would tell her,but I would ease in to it by starting out slowly only recalling your past dressing experience at first.Then maybe a few days later touch on the subject again letting her know that you really enjoyed that former experience.I would use about a month,all the time being a little more suggestive and feeling the waters.Think of it as a new fishing spot where you have to try all kinds of different lures and bait to get the desired result. I think the weight of it all would not seem so overwhelming to her with this approach.You have to wonder how you would feel, or want the news delivered to you.As suggested,do some research, and be ready to be drilled with questions but remain empathetic.

[prettieboy]

here ,here, great answer i coudnt tell noone good luck

[sissystephanie]

Hi Joanne,

36 years? No desire to be dressed around her. Keep it to yourself. I don't tell my wife everything - if there is no chance she will find out, and telling her is a selfish choice which pretty much can only end badly - what's the point?:2c:

I have to disagree with Natalia. If, as you say, you are starting to dress more often simply for the comfort it gives you, the chances are you will be found out! This is exactly why I so strongly recommend being very upfront about the CD activities. By upfront I mean Before marriage. By not doing so, you are literally getting married under false pretenses.

Having said all that, I also want to agree with many others who have posted on this thread. It is totally your decision to make. Only you know the depths of the love you have for each other. And make no mistake, that love, or lack thereof, will play a very big role in your life in the years to come. I will tell you, and I think most therapists would agree, that if she finds out on her own it will be much harder for her to accept then if you tell her. Because that means that you have lied to her. Not directly, but by keeping it a secret! Marriage is a two way street, and there should not be secrets between two people who truly love each other. Except for maybe at Christmas, birthdays, and anniversarys!

As I have said on this Forum many times, I told my late wife when we got engaged. She accepted me fully and was totally supportive during our 49+ years together. More than once she told me that she was glad I had told her so early. We had some friends whose marriage dissolved because the man was a closet CD and the wife eventually found out. She did not like the fact that he had been living a lie for all those years (16!) What would say if you found out that your wife had been doing something that you did not approve of for the last 36 years? If your love is truly strong, you could say O.K. and get on with life. Do you think she can do that? These are the questions you must ask yourself, because you are the only who can answer them. Good Luck. I will pray for you!

Sissy/Stephanie

Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

[MeraLehanga]

I wish you all the luck, its a heart stopper phase how your wife might react to change your entire life, both ways. The members have made some very good comments, but be careful pick those lines only which you strongly feel to be compatible to your wife's persona. For starters its great to know she is a counselor as they practice perspective thinking, analytical study and evaluate situations to come out with their conclusions.

Sometime back I have posted a thread entitled Dont rush! Be patient! Maybe a point or two you may find useful to be prepared for every contingency.

Dont Rush!! Be patient

>I have been reading and found people randomly advising others to file for a Divorce. Divorce is not an answer to the problem of after getting caught or self disclosure of being a cross dresser to your SO. Reason out with your SO. Just go slow, try to explain to her that you are the same person with the same feelings and have the same genuine respect and love for her. You have been like this since you met and married her, but kept it a secret as you don’t feel proud to be like this. Admit that you kept it a secrecy fearing the repercussion that would stem from revelations.

This is your secret world on which you have no control whatsoever, its harmless, you can contain it to some extent but cannot get rid of it. it’s there since you were born, you didn’t develop it, nor desired for it, and she shouldn’t punish you for this biological syndrome. Let her know that many a times you wished earnestly not to be what you are. Reason out with her that your femme mode comes and goes without invitation or provocation. The least she could do is to assist you in understanding your situation, being your wife.

There are millions like us who are compelled to live a dual life and can’t help it, and the constant fear built-in to lose one's own family, Isn’t that punishment enough for a CD? Question her, and let her know she is so fortunate that she is calm and at ease whereas you are in constant turmoil of indecisiveness. You want to go out in femme mode, yet you can’t, and due to kids can’t practice CDing at home. Give her importance by asking for her help.

A life is a long journey and it takes two matured people to make it, and that can happen with sheer understanding and compromising a few expectations with adjustments in order to have total control over the very large picture.
All the best to those who needs it!

[jersey]

Hi Joanne,
I see you're going through a hard choice. I would like to say as a wife who has just found out by not being told, I found it a huge shock, If I were told and had better preparation for it I would of handled the situation better. I would tell her and stress to her that it is not a threat to her personally (as I thought it was) tell her you still care and that you are no different. Expect some form of anger because in some way she will grieve for the person she has known and be scared of the person you are introducing her to. I myself are still struggling with this (I found out 48hrs ago) But I joined this site to try and make my marriage work by understanding and talking to others on both sides of the coin. I would love to know how other people have handled your situation before and from those who are currently or have been in mine.
I hope this has been of some help and that you get through this my thoughts are with you:)

[joanne lavin]

Hi once again. I am overwhelmed by all your replies both for and against me telling my wife about my dressing. You have certainly stopped me in my tracts. I will study and read carefully before I take that tremendous step.
I would like to say a special thanks to Sissy, Stephanie, Emily and finaly Mera for their support and of the links they gave me.
For now it's off to find out more and to possibly seek help in making this decission.
Once again thanks.

Joanne

Hi there Jersey, it was wonderful to get your response. Coming from someone who has been confronted by this news of your husbands dressing, gives me hope that my wife would be as understanding.
I so sincerely hope all goes well with you.

Jonne

[jersey]

Hi there Jersey, it was wonderful to get your response. Coming from someone who has been confronted by this news of your husbands dressing, gives me hope that my wife would be as understanding.
I so sincerely hope all goes well with you.

Jonne

I hope so to. Everyone here is being very friendly I think we are in the right place. Good luck you deserve it.
By the way feel free to share advice for my situation too. If we can help each other thats half of the struggle
My thoughts continue to be with you:love:

[Patti Girl]

Here is one thought: Start choosing male clothing that is more toward the feminine side. Choose male briefs that are brief and tight with no fly. See what her reaction is. If that doesn't cause a problem, then maybe mention that they feel better to you and you would like to try her panties on and see how they feel and what she thinks.

Some women may react positively and that would be a good sign that you may win acceptable. If on the other hand, she recoils negatively and runs away screaming, it's probably a sign that a rough road is ahead for you. :(

I'm not saying that this is a great solution, just an option to consider.

My ex wife didn't like my preference in underwear (this was before I did any crossdressing but probably the desire was there). I'm glad to say that she is my ex :) My wife prefers me feminine and fully supports and encourages me.

Patti