Wife wants to separate

[cathycduk]

Hi ,firstly i must apologise for not contributing here for ages.
My reason for this post is as follows ,my wife found out about my crossdressing about 6 years ago. After a a tearfull few days we talked it over and she agreed to help me shop and let me carry on as long as our kids didnt see me and i did not dress too often.
As far as i could tell it seemed to work , but recently we have been on edge and it all came out this morning.
In a tearfull confrontation she has told me she does not love me anymore and it is directly to do with my dressing ,she has been feeling like this for a while and wants us to seperate.

I said like a thousand others would we try to save our marriage if i gave it up ,but she said no.
I am shocked and devistated and above all feel so guilty that it was my dressing that has brought us to this situation.
What also makes it so hard for me is that we have 2 kids ,one a teenager and one younger.
Sorry if this post is a bit disjointed but it somes up the way i feel .
I am so lost and dont know what to do.

Cathy

[Jonianne]

I'm sorry Cathy,
I have gone through this myself. We are here to listen, so share as much as you need to.

[Sarah...]

I'm so sorry to hear your news Cathy. I'm kinda local to you so let me know if you need to talk.

Love and Hugs

Sarah...

[tricia_uktv]

Cathy,

Ouch. That is exactly what happened to me. Hold on hon and think about the children. They matter more than anything else in the world. The children need a Dad (my children have still got a Dad and live with me). Be strong and bide for time for a while.

Remember that its unlikely you can stop dressing?

Hugs, thinking about you deeply,

[adelle]

hi Cathy sorry to hear of your bad news :sad: it is sad to think that one could seperate after so many things we share in our lives, i cant say i know how you feel couz i dont but want you to know that my prayers are with you and your family:Pray:

[Holly]

I'm sorry for what you are going through, Cathy. Howeer I can't help but think that there is something more than the cross dressing going on here. More often than not, CDing is only an excuse for a much different problem. For your wife to dismiss reconciliation out of hand without some attempt at saving the relationship, especially when there are children involved, is "unusual." I hope things will settle down and that she will have an honest conversation with you.

[TGMarla]

I hope these comments don't create a firestorm. But to allow one's love to die, and scrap a marriage and a family with two children involved, all over something as insignificant as crossdressing, is a bit selfish.

I know we don't know all the details, and it takes two to tango, as they say, but I think women should sometimes step back and look at the bigger picture. Crossdressing is really a very silly thing to get so worked up over.

I'm sorry your crossdressing has brought you to this. I wish you well with your future.

[VirginiaX23]

I hope these comments don't create a firestorm. But to allow one's love to die, and scrap a marriage and a family with two children involved, all over something as insignificant as crossdressing, is a bit selfish.

I know we don't know all the details, and it takes two to tango, as they say, but I think women should sometimes step back and look at the bigger picture. Crossdressing is really a very silly thing to get so worked up over.

I'm sorry your crossdressing has brought you to this. I wish you well with your future.

I agree with you on this. If my wife asked me to hang it all up and never take it down again, I would. My wife is the most important person in my life. She is my best friend and my great love. If something I was doing bothered her, I would stop. I am fortunate that she finds the whole thing to be fun and amusing. But if she ever gets to the point where she believes Virginia is getting in the way, well, so it goes. Partners before panties...

[Nadia-Maria]

Howeer I can't help but think that there is something more than the cross dressing going on here. More often than not, CDing is only an excuse for a much different problem. For your wife to dismiss reconciliation out of hand without some attempt at saving the relationship, especially when there are children involved, is "unusual." I hope things will settle down and that she will have an honest conversation with you.

I think so. Your analysis is excellent, Holly.

Cathy you don't have to feel guilty for your CDing. It's part of you.

Kisses and love

Nadia

[cathycduk]

Thanks for all your reply 's

[Jilmac]

Cathy, I don't know what to tell you other than to wait it out and see what happens next. Hopefully your wife will have a change of heart and will want to reunite. If a separation was meant to be, then I offer my condolences, and wish you the best of luck in the future. Hang in there girl, and hope for a silver lining to a very dark situation. Luv and :hugs: Jill

[Niya W]

I hate to say it but sounds like she has some thing else going. You said you would give it up but she still wants out. I'd say this is especially true if you two have not eintimate for a while

[Veronica 1]

I am afraid that I have to go along with Holly and Niya on this one. Being semi-supportive for six years and then suddenly lowering the boom on you sounds a little suspicious as it sounds like there was no effort of hers to communicate until this.

[Nicole Erin]

Hmmm, sounds familiar. Some women are supportive at first but later on decide they don't like it. Of course yeah there might be other things going on, 6 years seems a while before she turned against it.

[Deborah Jane]

I,m sorry to hear it Cathy:hugs:
My wife tried to accept it to start with and even after i tried giving up we still split 4 years later, having been married for 18 years and having 3 kids.

[Melanie R]

Cathy,

Why should you feel guilty. Being a crossdresser as I say frequently is part of your DNA. You did not choose this part of yourself. The only thing you can choose is if you will express the inner femininity through feminine clothing. Hopefully your wife in time we come to the realization that she fell in love with you because of who you are including your desire to dress. If not she will miss a lot of happiness in her life.

[ReineD]

I'm sorry for what you are going through, Cathy. Howeer I can't help but think that there is something more than the cross dressing going on here. More often than not, CDing is only an excuse for a much different problem. For your wife to dismiss reconciliation out of hand without some attempt at saving the relationship, especially when there are children involved, is "unusual." I hope things will settle down and that she will have an honest conversation with you.

I agree with Holly. So many marrriages fail (whether CDing is involved or not) and I believe, as long as there is no abuse involved, it is because partners do not know how to communicate and negotiate their needs. So resentments build, seemingly to the point where it may seem the marriage is irretrievably broken. And then if a third party enters the picture, it can complicate matters even further.

CDing does add to the normal stresses couples face, but if the marriage is strong and if as in your case your wife had accepted it, it does not make sense that it should be the only cause for wanting out.

Would your wife agree to counseling sessions for a predetermined amount of time given there are children involved? If not, an initial separation might be better than a divorce as it would give both of you time alone to evaluate whether divorce is truly the only option. :hugs:

[CD Susan]

Cathy, I feel so sad for you and understand how you feel. I went through the same thing years ago as you are experiencing now. When I told my wife that I was a cd she could not accept it either. We stayed together for the sake of our nine year old son but the marriage was doomed. We devorced years later and both of us are much happier now. I can understand what you are going through at this time and wish the best for you. Being the way we are does create problems for some of us and we must deal with it the best way that we can. Good luck to you.

[Mary Morgan]

Sorry for your sadness and all but I agree with Marla. It just isn't that simple. You must insist before this goes any further that you will both go to counselling. I believe that a marriage and family that are otherwise strong will not be sacrificed because of crossdressing unless there is a huge lack of uderstanding and communication. Don't fold up without fighting to save your marriage. And don't make promises that you won't keep. If the marriage is to fail, at least know the real reason.

[Emily Anderson]

Really sorry to hear about this, and I sincerely hope it works out .

It's not very clear from your post what has happened in the six years between her discovery and now... What has your communication been like, particularly on the topic of crossdressing? What kind of CD'ing activities have you been involved in? How has the relationship been otherwise?

You don't need to answer the quetions, of course. I'm just curious as to what brings one to this point after six years...

[Amy Hepker]

Hi Cathy,

I am sorry to hear about your SO wanting to leave you, all I can say is that if she does that she never really LOVED you. Would she leave you if you had been in an accident and you were paralized??? Some would say this is not the same, but I say it is. If she really LOVED you she would go through anything with you. LOVE means so many different things to some many different people. I believe the word is used to much for things other than LOVE and it kills the real meaning altogether. Love is used in Tennis as meaning zero. Is that right??? I ,had 2 different GGs leave me and devorse me for my dressing, one after 4 years and the other after 16 years. You have to find yourself, but if you think you can just through it all away and it will go away, you are very wrong. It will tear you up inside no matter what you do, but remember you do have to live with yourself. Keep yourself happy and be honest with the next GG you want to have a life with. Never hide yourself from them, they will find out sooner or later and it will never be good if they think you have lied to them all a long.

[Donna Michelle]

In a tearfull confrontation she has told me she does not love me anymore and it is directly to do with my dressing ,she has been feeling like this for a while and wants us to seperate.

I said like a thousand others would we try to save our marriage if i gave it up ,but she said no.

I can't help but think that there is more to the story than this. Perhaps her image of you was shattered and your saying you would give up crossdressing is too little too late. But if she really loved you, she shouldn't care if you wore silky pink clothes. Maybe she is looking for her ideal man (if one even exists).

If she is not willing to seek counseling with you, she is not in love with you. My first marriage was a sham. She lied to me to get me to marry her, then she went bar hopping. We split up immediately. My second wife was married to me for almost 18 years and supported my dressing. She died of cancer.

My current wife did NOT know about my dressing when we got married. I tried to quit. That didn't work. I have been dressing for over 50 years. I recently came out and my wife was disappointed that I kept secrets from her, but she wasn't surprised. She is very supportive.

Maybe you can be honest and find someone who will accept you and love you for who you are instead of pretending to be the man your wife wanted to marry. Face it. None of the guys posting in this forum are the masculine men portrayed on television. Some women are not shallow or insecure. Some women can live with men like us who like to be feminine. Hate to say it but maybe this is your chance to find your true soul mate.

It is difficult to split up with the mother of your children. But it is her choice and not yours, because she can't see past your girly clothes or behavior. It reminds me of the commercial where the woman is dreaming about home improvements and a good looking young man in the bed beside her. She wakes up to find a middle-aged fat guy (her husband) smiling back at her. She looked like she wanted to go back to dream land.

It would be great if you both could get counseling at least until both children are grown. But it sounds like she had all she can take. I don't understand why she pretended to accept you instead of speaking up sooner. She put herself through extra years of self-abuse.

Is there any way you can find a compromise with her? You can dress privately and even she doesn't have to shop with you or see you? Or maybe she needs to meet spouses of other crossdressers. My wife said she will shop and hang out with Donna, but she won't have sex with her "big sister". If I want sex, I must be the man. Maybe you both can decide on some rules that make you both happy.

Sorry that your family is going through this. Best of luck to you. If you like, you can PM me.

[Jamie391]

Cathy, It is sad to hear of your situation, I think Holly has hit the nail on the head, see if you can't get her to come out with the real reason. Has she found someone else? That would be my first thought, especially after 6 yrs. of knowing about your CDing. I wish you the best! Jamie

[Donna Michelle]

I think Holly has hit the nail on the head, see if you can't get her to come out with the real reason. Has she found someone else? That would be my first thought, especially after 6 yrs. of knowing about your CDing.

I think we all thought of that. It might not be true, but we can't help but wonder. Too many lies have come between you. You both must be honest with each other and the children.

[Patti Girl]

I agree strongly with those who have said that the crossdressing is probably not the main issue, but rather a convenient excuse.

People develop in different directions. Maybe your marriage can be saved via counseling, or maybe you both will be happier if you separate. When I was going through my divorce (my choosing), a counselor told me once that often people need different partners for different stages of life. I think there is a lot to that idea although I wish it were not true.

Maybe she found someone else she wants to be with and the crossdressing is a convenient excuse to shift the blame to you.

Best wishes,

Patti

[TeriAnn]

I'm sorry for what you are going through, Cathy. Howeer I can't help but think that there is something more than the cross dressing going on here. More often than not, CDing is only an excuse for a much different problem. For your wife to dismiss reconciliation out of hand without some attempt at saving the relationship, especially when there are children involved, is "unusual." I hope things will settle down and that she will have an honest conversation with you.
I agree with Holly I have just gone through just about the same thing she said it had a lot to do with my crossdressing but I believe that there is more to it than meets the eye. I have a seven year old that livs with me and if my wife wants it this way it is fine with me. Maybe we will get back together someday if not Oh Well!!!!!!

[Edwina]

Cathy
What I thought of saying has been said over and over in this thread and far better than I could have done.
Just know that I feel your pain and wish you well.

:love:

Edwina

[uknowhoo]

Hiya Cathy :hugs: You've gotten alot of good advice and perspective from others here, and I hope it is helpful. I'm not going to try to add to it other than to say that I, and many others who will read this and not reply, feel for you and will keep you, your children and your wife in our prayers going forward. Love, Tammi

[Traci_Ann CD]

I agree with Holly. So many marrriages fail (whether CDing is involved or not) and I believe, as long as there is no abuse involved, it is because partners do not know how to communicate and negotiate their needs. So resentments build, seemingly to the point where it may seem the marriage is irretrievably broken. And then if a third party enters the picture, it can complicate matters even further.

CDing does add to the normal stresses couples face, but if the marriage is strong and if as in your case your wife had accepted it, it does not make sense that it should be the only cause for wanting out.

Would your wife agree to counseling sessions for a predetermined amount of time given there are children involved? If not, an initial separation might be better than a divorce as it would give both of you time alone to evaluate whether divorce is truly the only option. :hugs:
A lot of marriages fail (at least, IMHO anways) is because people DO NOT have God in their lives. PERIOD.

Marriage is (and will always be) a life-long commitment. God made it that way.

[Joann0830]

I'm sorry for what you are going through, Cathy. Howeer I can't help but think that there is something more than the cross dressing going on here. More often than not, CDing is only an excuse for a much different problem. For your wife to dismiss reconciliation out of hand without some attempt at saving the relationship, especially when there are children involved, is "unusual." I hope things will settle down and that she will have an honest conversation with you.

Cathy as Everyone here, I am so sorry that this has happened to you and as many have said please remember to always be there for your children as there Dad. It sounds funny that she is not thinking about the Children.
I dont understand that with the children why she would not want to try to seek help from a Marriage counselor, Also be aware if she has been talking to one person more then usual, someone that she uses as her confidant. I have seen with a great many friends both CDMs and not, that a Bitter friend male or female can escalate a situation quickly. I am sorry to say it that way. Joann0830

P.S. You will be definitely in my prayers as I type this

[SatinDoll00]

Whatever happens Cathy, just remember that you are a person, with worth, and dreams, and love, and value. Even if you cannot make things work, you have to survive it, and know that one day you will be better.

I know from experience that losing a wife, a life partner, of many years is perhaps the most difficult loss we can experience. I lost my wife of 15 years in 2002. It had nothing to do with CDing, she never even knew about it. But the loss is the same regardless of the reason.

Once the end comes, we all wonder what we could have done, should have done, differently. But in the end, there is nothing that you could have done. Unfortunately, love is fickel, and it can disappear as quickly as it appears for some people.

Take some time, and rediscover yourself as an individual. It will not be easy, but remember this...you were a person before you met her. You had a life, and friends, and hobbies, and happy times then as well.

You probably will not believe me, I did not believe anyone that told me this, but it does get better. The pain will lessen over time. Grieving is normal, and you should do so...but don't lose sight of the fact that you are a person with feelings and there are still people that love you.

Morgan

[docrobbysherry]

Having been thru a long divorce involving young children myself.

But u need to think of yourself now. Get help today! Make an appointment with a therapist now! I did during my separation and divorce and it helped me SO much!

As so many others have said here; your wife is most likely used your CDing as an excuse to do what she wants to do. And then she can blame it all on u!

I'm SURE it's not all your fault, and may have NOTHING to do with your CDing. But u need to hear it from a professional! Please find one rite away! You'll be SO happy u did!

This too, shall pass! Please help yourself move past it ASAP! We all care about u here! I'm sure u have others closer to u who do also! Go talk with them now!

[MJ]

I'm sorry Cathy
i am very sorry to here your sad news as many have said there could be more to this than meets the eye . but you know there are woman out there who just can't ever deal with the knowledge that there man likes to dress as a woman. it just turns them off Evan thinking about there man in a dress is a big turn off . they are out there . best of luck

[Laura_Stephens]

I wish I had some sage advice to help you through this, but,sadly, I don't. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Maria2222]

I am very sorry that this has happened to you Cathy, and wish you the best. It seems odd that this would come up after 6 years. Hopefully your wife is just in a down period and it will pass.
As far as quiting cross dressing, this is just my opinion, but I feel that we are born cross dressers and that it's impossible to quit. You might quit for a while, but it will always come back.

[AKAMichelle]

Since I am in the same boat with you I can honestly say that CDing is only part of the issue.

You should remember to put your priorities in place:
1) Your Kids
2) Other obligations (financial)
3) Be true to yourself

Often times people find an easy label or issue to hide behind. CDing is not your issue. She doesn't want to continue even if you quit. Therefore, the reason is something else. CDing was just an easy scapegoat.

I don't mean to stir up trouble here, but you should consider these things:
1) Affair (You won't be the first)
2) The two of you have just grown apart
3) She has fallen out of love with you.

It's not the end of the world for you. Things will eventually even out. You need to take care of your kids and your job first. Let everything else work itself out. After the dust settles, you need to take inventory of who you are. If you are like me, you will find that you acted differently while married than you really are. I don't know how it happens, but it does.

Keep your chin up. Things will improve.

[Angie G]

Sorry to hear this Cathy I can;t imagine what it like I don't think I could get by if I was in your shoes hun. But you must be strong for your kids hun. :hugs:
Angie

[pinkeverything]

I've wanted to start a similar thread, but my thoughts surrounding the issue leave me in a pile of crap that is swallowing me up like quiksand.

Perhaps no-one will even recognize my contribution to this forum because I only recently joined and even more recently experienced my relationship in the tiolet.

About 2 weeks ago, I posted with great excitement about coming out to my SO, with whom I have a small child. I was elated beyond belief. She even took me shopping for a wig and bought me a periwinkle camisole and garter with stockings. She gave me a makeup kit, stocked with her spares.

And then..............about a week and a half ago, I discovered that she was cheating me in her taxes. I told her that I would have none of that. I then told her that she would have to make the ammendments or I would take her down.

Since then, I have received a barrage of the most foul and disgusting messages and phone calls, outlining how UGLY I am, etc., etc., etc., leaving no holds barred. I have never seen or heard anybody sink to the depth that she has with me in the last week. I can hardly breathe.

Needless to say, I don't feel much like getting dressed up and taking pictures for you all. Matter of fact, I don't feel much like doing anything other than making sure my daughter is well cared for, which is largely my responsibility, and I do it largely on my own as well because she works out of town.

I'd like to puke.

[DonnaT]

Cathy's not been hear in almost a month, since posting. Hopefully she'll look in again.


it all came out this morning.
In a tearfull confrontation she has told me she does not love me anymore and it is directly to do with my dressing ,she has been feeling like this for a while and wants us to seperate.

I am shocked and devistated and above all feel so guilty that it was my dressing that has brought us to this situation.

You shouldn't feel guilty about something that was thrust upon you at birth. You didn't choose to be trans.

And had she been more forthcoming about her feelings, y'all might have worked it out before it got too much for her. So don't feel guilty.

[Theresa9]

Hi Cathy,

I am sorry as well that your relationship is ending over just clothes. I do believe that it is a convenient excuse the clothing issue, sort of a scapegoat.

Tell her that even Dr. Phil and Ann Landers said there is absolutely nothing wrong with cross dressing. :battingeyelashes:

[moira1952]

You have my sympathies Cathy , I have been there and survived only to go down the same path again. I cannot give you anymore advice than to stay strong .

[Emily Anderson]

I discovered that she was cheating me in her taxes. I told her that I would have none of that. I then told her that she would have to make the ammendments or I would take her down.

I hope you didn't come across to your SO in the same way are you're relating it to us...

[pinkeverything]

I hope you didn't come across to your SO in the same way are you're relating it to us...


Yes, I did. It probably sounds a little abrupt. There is really no grey areas for me when it comes to moral behavior in relationships with me. Even the crossdressing. As soon as I realized that I felt comfortable trying it out, I told her about it. I expect that in return, but I don't get it with her. She lies even when the truth fits better. How can I accept someone stealing from me and my child?

[quietone]

ill have 2 agree with holly ,theres more 2 this then just cd. i wish you the best of luck in trying 2 work things out . but maybe you should start checking out what your wife is doing 4 all this 2 happen

[stevie b]

Oh Cathy I am so sorry, but please try and get her to attend with you Relate or similar. It will help to see if there are any other issues and help you both deal with them. I was a councellor with them some years ago. If you have been together for as long as it sounds you have its worth giving as much time as possible to save the relationship.
xx