any alternative therapy

[DebsD]

Hi I`m ts , have been reffered to psychatrist by my gp and seen her a couple of times and have now been reffered to charing cross where i have my first appointment in a couple of weeks time. I have always lied to myself about being ts only coming to terms with it in the last 18months or so, I need to go through srs to stay sane and feel a new inner happiness at the thought of this. There is one problem to all of this, my family my wife and 2 young boys, if i carry on she leaves and not want me see boys and she will make it very hard for mr with them i know this and she has said it also. Even though i need srs desperately are there any alt therapies that can enable me to stay male for their sake and stay sane( i don`t want this but need to investigat for my boys sake!!!) I asked my therapist this week she said if there was an alternative then the nhs wouldn`t be spending all this money on me( they have already approved funding)
Any advice is gratefully recieved, i don`t want to be the one who breaks up my boys home although i making their life difficult as i`m so miserable at min

[CaptLex]

I agree with the therapist. What you may want to do is consult a good lawyer. :straightface:

[Sharon]

I agree with Lex -- there is no definite cure for what you are feeling and consulting a lawyer may be the best thing to do. However, there are many, many transsexuals who do not transition, or at least postpone it until their family situation changes, such as when the children are old enough to make their own decisions about maintaining a relationship with a parent. You won't feel any differently about yourself, but it is a decision that you may decide is best for others sake. Or maybe not -- it is a decision only you can make after a lot of serious thought.

Good luck! :)

[Joy Carter]

Your sons need you. At least stay with them untill they are of age. It's a small thing in the larger scope of things. Besides the effect that being without their dad growing up might have. Look as it as a gift to your sons. Besides do they know yet ? This really should be done slowly, and allow them to be educated in this. There is no sacrifice to great, for a parent to put their self last. I sincerely hope there is an alternative for you.

Joy :hugs:

[Cai]

Your sons need you. At least stay with them untill they are of age. It's a small thing in the larger scope of things. Besides the effect that being without their dad growing up might have. Look as it as a gift to your sons. Besides do they know yet ? This really should be done slowly, and allow them to be educated in this. There is no sacrifice to great, for a parent to put their self last. I sincerely hope there is an alternative for you.

Joy :hugs:
Yes, but what good is it going to do the kids to have a dad who is suicidally depressed all the time?

You need to decide the best thing for you, Deb. If you think you can be a stable and loving person without transition, at least until your boys are a little older, then think about it. But if you feel that delaying transition would cause you to be a poor parent anyway, that deserves some thought as well.

[Amy Hepker]

You will always be their dad even if you do make the big change, but don't be forced into it. It has to be your decission. Do some soul searching to find out what you really want. You may not be ready to make the dession as of yet. You will know when you are ready, but I would get some anti-depressants before you do something that you may regret later. Take your time and figure out what you want and need for yourself. You will have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

[GypsyKaren]

This is a tough one for sure, and there are no easy answers. We all want to do right by our families, but sometimes it gets to a point where we have to do for ourselves. That's why I finally decided to have my SRS, I couldn't do it anymore. There is always a price to pay with anything, you have to decide how much you can handle. Like Sharon said, you can hold off if that's possible, there are no rules for this. One thing I will say is I paid a very high price in doing what I did, but I have no regrets and would do it again without hesitation.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Kimberley]

Unfortunately it just wont go away. You can try to live without transition (as I have) and pay one hell of a price personally or you can go forward and hope that your family will eventually understand. Knowing what I do now, I would have transitioned 30 years ago.

Good luck.

[melissaK]

I was going to say, "Ditto everything Les, Sharon, Cai, Karen, and Kimberly said." But the fact that you are here asking for another path means you have some remaining fears or doubts, and while you'd be unusual if you didn't, SRS is not a cake walk, I thought I'd say more.

Therapists talk from the experience of treating many, and from a point of view arrived at by generalizing. I can only talk about things from my limited life experience.

I have known forever that I was a m-t-f TS. Seriously, in grade school I didn't fit in with the boys, and as a young teen when Christine Jorgenson's autobiography came out and I learned srs was possible, I knew it was what I wanted. CDing from high school on, make-up, cross gender clothes, body shaving, etc. But it was never enough. But I'm 53 now and I haven't transistioned. Why?

Fear and shame top the list. From there it has been easy to rationalize at different times that: I don't for the sake of my kids; I don't for financial reasons; I don't because I think I wouldn't 'pass'; I don't because I'd lose my wife; I don't because I would be lonely at the end of it; etc. Some truth to each at various times, but none are reasons that others haven't overcome.

So, how have I avoided transitioning? I have never found an "alternative therapy" as you put it.

I have resisted transitioning, through a combination of sheer resolution of will not to transition, and employment of every means of distraction so I never had time to 'feel.' To avoid feeling, there were drugs in my past (long ago past), replaced by obsessive studying for graduate school, followed by what you could call being a 'work-a-holic.' When work success resulted in free time, I dove into time consuming hobby after hobby - collecting, designing, building or renovating homes, building a race car . . . the list goes on.

And to remain 'sane' as you put it, has been hard. Many periods of untreated clinical depression in my teens and twenties. Since then, I've spent many thousands of dollars on counselling (here in the States, as a general rule, neither physician care nor mental health care for gender issues is covered by insurance) and still I went through a several month long breakdown a couple years ago.

And through it all I have managed financial success, I have money in the bank and plenty of stuff, and more importantly, I have managed a great big warm fuzzy family, with kids and grandkids that count out into dozens. It has taken effort to build all those family bonds and relationships, and they are blessings not to be taken lightly.

But, here's the kicker, I pulled myself out of that breakdown a couple years ago by, of all things, starting to transistion. Openly cross gender clothes are in my daily wardrobe. And, hrt, but as slowly as possible.

To some what I am doing seems like "why bother" steps toward transistioning, but to me they are steps toward, not steps away, and the difference is important to me. I think I am finally on the road to self acceptance, allbeit the long slow road.

And its not all rosy. At the end of that road I have a wife/best friend who doesn't want to be supportive, and doesn't know what her limit will be.

So, here I am at 53, with a future that is unclear and cluttered with the same issues I faced in my teens and twenties. And sure, I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like had I made different choices earlier, but that's unknowable.

So, that's the thumbnail sketch of my life. We each are different, but maybe my story will help give you points of reference useful in making the choices that are right for you.

hugs,
'lissa

[KeriB]

I feel for you Debs, it's the boat I'm in now, and the decision isn't easy. I equate it to standing on the edge of a cliff and down below is what you desperately desire, yet you're scared to death to make that jump... The majority of our kids are on their own, but I have a 15 year-old and 10 year-old son to get going, plus a wife that I do love, so that's what holds me back... and it isn't easy. Reconciling when you get to do things for yourself is a difficult choice - and one that you need to make for yourself. I stick it out daily, have refocused my efforts to finishing my degree in psych and hopefully specializing in TG issues one day, which helps "distract" me but I cannot cear the feeling of inevitability. You just got to deal day to day...

[AmberTG]

OMG Melissa, you sound way too much like me! With the exception that I've had 2 marriages fall apart, partly because of my depression and self-isolation due to the effects of my GID.
you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't! As you said, a slow transition is still a step forward.