Embarassment and Self-Acceptance

[Katie Boundary]

Hello everone

I'm wondering if anyone else is, or has been, in the same situation as me. I am blessed with a wonderful girlfriend who accepts the female part of me and is happy to see me walking round the house enfemme.

The trouble is, I find it hard to accept the female part of me. I get embarrassed in front of her on the rare occasions when I do dress, and, consequently, don't do it much even though it feels nice.

I'm sure I can't be alone in feeling/having felt this. How have you managed to overcome this? I would love some advice.

Clarissa (this is my real femme name)

[Jae]

I am in a similar situation in that I do not want my wife to see me dressed. See my thread Major Dilemma. Hope we get some good advice.

[Donna Michelle]

I have dressed for years. I enjoy the feeling of looking the way I feel. I will never pass as a GG, but I love the clothes. My late wife knew before we were married and we went to clubs in New York many years ago.

My current wife learned about my crossdressing after we were married and had a son. I recently came out now that our son is 10 years old and able to understand it. Our parents didn't like it, but most others don't mind or care. My wife said I should probably not dress in front of our parents, but we go in public together.

I never felt embarrassed in front of my SO's, but many of my friends chose to go public in front of strangers (anonymously) before sharing their femme side with girlfriends and/or spouses. Some are still in the closet, because they are not satisfied with their appearance. My wife has been helping CD friends choose clothes and makeup and gives makeup lessons! They share photos with other CDs and not always with girlfriends. Eventually, they may. It is about your own self-esteem or how you may think others will react to your appearance.

Maybe you are afraid your girlfriend may not find you attractive anymore. My wife treats Donna as a big sister who shares a room and closet with her. She does NOT have sex with Donna, just the man she married. Other people may have different reactions. Some girls may get turned on or turned off. Perhaps they should see other people's photos first to see how they react. My wife's hot CD friend Ashley became my friend at a very good time (just before I came out). She really helped us.

[CowGurl Rachel]

You have to look inside and see why you feel embarrassed. If your SO is cool with it, then maybe it's self-acceptance. We are taught from a young age, that "only girls wear dresses and makeup, etc." and it feels shameful. Do you feel "silly" when you look in the mirror? Are you naturally shy? Find the cause, find the cure. Have you discussed this with your SO? Solutions: Remember that you are who you are, and NOBODY has the right to tell you otherwise. What are your standards for being attractive, change your standards! I make a much better looking woman than I do a man! Try and forget that you are dressed, and just be yourself. Don't worry about being "feminine", you're at home. Your SO can help you with that later. Just enjoy the moment. :daydreaming: I hope this helps!

:hugs::love:

Rachel

[Nikki A.]

It's hard because you feel that she will think different of you or that you may over step her acceptance. This is normal. To break the ice, maybe have her choose what you should wear or at least express to her that you are uncomfortable and why and see what she says.
After all it is both of your home and I'm sure that if she is accepting, what you wear in private is nothing to be ashamed of

[Ruth]

I'm only guessing but I wonder if you don't feel confident in your appearance en femme. If you feel, even slightly: "I just look like a guy in a skirt, in fact I look downright silly", you are going to feel embarrassed about other people, even your nearest and dearest, seeing you.
If this is the case, practice outfits and make-up in private until you are happy with the image, then "come out".
Of course I could be completely wrong and you could have other issues.

[DeeDeeB]

I can understand your concern. After six or so years of dressing in my wife's accepting presence, I still feel shy about it sometimes. I often find it easier to get home a little early and be dressed and in some activity like starting dinner or the like by the time she gets home. This way I've already committed myself to be Dee. Another ploy that sometimes helps is to have my outfit planned by the time I get home and change immediately before I overthink it. And, sometimes I ask my wife if there's a particular outfit she'd like me to wear. On that one, you have to be prepared for guy stuff, but that's ok too, it should be give and take. I'm sure you can come up with other tricks just to get you changed, and it once you've changed, it should be easy. Kinda like diving into the pool. Once in, the water's fine.

The hardest part about being a CDer is accepting yourself. You have a great start by having an accepting girlfriend. Many here would love to have that. While much of society disagrees with us on this, there's nothing wrong or strange with wanting to express yourself in this way. So go put on something pretty for you and your girlfriend, and have fun.


Dee :fairy1:

[Holly]

Clarissa, I think you hit the nail squarely on the head... you're dealing with self-acceptance. So, what is it that you are having trouble accepting about yourself? Honey, only you can answer this question. But please allow me to make a couple of general observations...

You are special! Have you ever considered that being able to get in touch or even wanting to get in touch with your feminine side makes you more desirable to your girlfriend? How often have we all heard wives and girlfriends bemoan the fact that, "he just doesn't understand." Maybe we will never fully understand what our women go through but at the very least, we are trying so hard.

So you like colorful clothing and soft, sensuous fabrics? So what? Lots of guys are totally satisfied with a wardrobe consisting of black, white, brown, and olive green items. More power to them. For myself (and maybe you, too?) it's just not enough. There is no shame in that. And as for skirts and dresses, why should I or anyone feel ashamed of wearing anything that makes us feel comfortable?

Your girlfriend sounds like a loving person. Give her a chance to display her love for you in a new and unique way. Talk to her about how you are feeling. Ask her how she feels about your dressing. If she has concerns, work out how you both can be accommodated. And as both of you are able, commit to share this journey together.

One final thought... love is never embarrassed. Best wishes to you both.

[tricia_uktv]

It will take time hon. but I'm now very proud of who I am. So let it!

[jenny logan]

The absolute most difficult thing I have encountered as a cd was the first time my wife saw me dressed. It was extremely stressful for me, but not so much for her. It was almost a year before I allowed her to see me as Jennifer again and it was easier, but not by much. After much discussion and honest, open communication I finally realized that she isn't going anywhere and that she loves and supports me no matter what I am wearing. It wasn't easy for me to get to this point and there are still some rare moments of discomfort for me (usually when we are out in public) but overall the experience is markedly easier now. My fears of rejection and humiliation by her were completely unfounded and mainly due to societal expectations of what a "proper" and "normal" husband/wife union is supposed to be that caused my reticence to appear en femme before her. If it works for us, than who is to say it is wrong?
Like others have said, self acceptance to your appearence is the key. If you can't accept and appreciate this facet of your personality, then why should your SO? I try to present as female as possible and while there are times when there have been results that would scare the bejesus out of Frankenstein it just means I need to forget that particular look or outfit and
try again. My wife has this marvelous ability to make me laugh when I get it wrong but also an appreciation for my efforts when I get it right. This does wonders for the self confidence and has made it much easier to present to her en femme.
I now look upon my feminine side as a gift and while it is not true for everyone, it has been a positive for our relationship because I don't have to nor do I want to hide this from her anymore. It is because of my wife's open mindedness and willingness to accept me (warts and all) that I am able to be relaxed and enjoy the time I spend with her as Jennifer that makes all the difference.
I wish you luck in your journey.

Jenny L.

[StephanieH]

Whether your spouse accepts your dressing or not, your mind is still reinforcing to you that what we do is a social taboo and it is somehow "wrong" or perverted. It's not normal, all that jazz.

You are who you are. You were made the way you are. You likely didn't make this choice, it's likely always been a strange little compulsion you've had since childhood (if you're like most of us). Accept it and embrace it, and realize this; nobody, absolutely nobody, is "normal" - there's something kinda odd about everybody out there, this just happens to be our thing. And you have a LOT of company!

Be grateful for your girlfriend and don't be embarrassed around her. If she is truly accepting, shower her with affection and enjoy your life. And don't worry what others may think... in the end, it's all between you, her, and your mind.

Take care and God bless! :D

[Bev06 GG]

Hello everone

I'm wondering if anyone else is, or has been, in the same situation as me. I am blessed with a wonderful girlfriend who accepts the female part of me and is happy to see me walking round the house enfemme.

The trouble is, I find it hard to accept the female part of me. I get embarrassed in front of her on the rare occasions when I do dress, and, consequently, don't do it much even though it feels nice.

I'm sure I can't be alone in feeling/having felt this. How have you managed to overcome this? I would love some advice.

Clarissa (this is my real femme name)

Hi Clarissa,
I think you just need some time. You obviously have issues about it yourself and do not feel totally comfortable with it or confident about your look. So why not do it in bite sized peices, little and often. The more you do it the quicker you will become more comfortable with it.
My partner started by slogging around in a femme tracky during the day and silk pyjamas in the evening with just a wig and no makeup. He then asked me if I'd show him how to do things like putting nail varnish on, eye shadow, lippy etc. He involved me because although I didn't ever have any problem with it, he was frightened of going too fast or frightening me off. He says now that it actually helped him because he thought if I did it I would like it, and there wouldn't be any chance of me laughting at him if he got his makeup wrong. As if I would have done anyhow. At the end of the day I think he was the one with the problem not me, but it was his way of dealing with it.
Everyone is different and maybe this advice will not be pertinent to your own situation. However, I wish you well and hope that you will soon feel much more comfortable about your femme side and reassured that some GGs can and do find that side of our fella very attractive.
Take care
Bev

[Melanie R]

I remember many years ago after I told my wife about Melanie and began dressing in front of her. I was not embarrased but was apprehensive fearing that she may tell me that she could no longer tolerate the dressing as did happen with my first wife. We talked about my apprehension and her response was that no matter what I wore I was still her husband. The clothes are only clothes. The only thing she asked was that I not look like a hooker. Now today I still get goose bumps when dressed completely with makeup and wig she tells me how pretty I look. We now look so much alike when we are both dressed in our Sunday finest and out on the town that most people think we are sisters. We both love that remark.

[ann stef]

You can say that you are honoring the female sex by dressing up. You can show the respect of females spending time puting on make-up. My wife enjoys seeing me spending time getting dressed up, now I know what women have to go thru.

[Katie Boundary]

Dear all,

thank you so much for your encouraging words! Although I have some way to go, I feel much happier about things now. :)

Clarissa

[Emily Anderson]

Katie,

I know exactly what you are talking about, because I was in a relationship with a girl who didn't mind what I wore at any time or any place. The only problem was, I minded what I wore, and didn't want to be outed to friends, colleagues etc.

So, even while she was cool about it, I didn't feel comfortable... And I ended up leaving her because she was too cool about anything... She would have accepted me, even if I was an axe-murderer!

[DonnaT]

Sounds like two issues going on. The first being self acceptance, and the second being uncomfortable when seen enfemme by your SO.

Both are mindsets, and thus you need to retrain your mind to overcome both issues.

Quite possibly the two issues are based on one thought --not being manly--. If so, then let me ask you this, what does being manly mean to you? Does dressing up make you weaker? Does it make you scared? If you would not normally run away from a fight, would you act different just because you have on a skirt? If you (NOTE: examples, not because they are only manly pursuits) fix cars, fish, hunt, play football, baseball, do you forget how just because you wear a skirt? Is there some reason you need to feel manly or prove your a man?

For me, I'm still me no matter what I'm wearing.

[Sweet_Honey]

Hi Katie,

I'm new at the forums, but thought of something I could share with you. Someone close to me use to say, "true happiness only comes when you accept yourself for who and what you are inside." I've had the same feelings of embarassment, but after I realized that there's nothing "wrong" with me or how I feel about cross dressing, those feelings went away. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you can truly accept yourself you won't worry about what others might think.

If your girlfreind is accepting of your situation, you are truly blessed! Hang on to her, she's a rare gem! :hugs: