I'm just me

[Byllie]

I'm in my room in Germany, this evening, and I'm partly dressed en femme. It was quite warm, today, and when I got back to room I had to change into something cooler and more comfortable.

I picked a lovely beige cotton twill skirt I'd picked up, and my H*A*S*H t-shirt. And yes, that's "Hash", as in a company that makes software I use.

Anyway, I diverge. It felt good to shed my jeans, woman's jeans, for a cool skirt and nothing else on my legs.

After some time of cooling off, and watching a video on my laptop, I decided to try out a new mascara I bought (Catrice Extra Long Lash). It worked amazingly, adding wonderful length to my lashes. I also put on some blue eyeshadow on just the lids with purple highlights just below the eyebrows. Lastly, I applied a lipstick just slightly darker than my own lip color. I then went back to watching videos.

A few moments ago, I passed by a mirror in the room and was stunned by how good I looked. I felt so happy to be letting that part of me out for a spin. The funny thing is, though, that I have a full beard, and if the beard were gone the effect would not have worked.

I' saying that I looked good because the makeup and the beard went so well together. I found a beautiful balance of the man and woman inside me and let it show on the outside. I feel so good right now I could cry, but then my new mascara would probably run.

So, I am just me, tonight, neither a man nor a woman, just me, and it's what I want. It brings me back to my youth, trying on my Mom's makeup in the bathroom, admiring the way it made me look.

It's not that I'm afraid to "go all the way" and look totally like a stereotypical woman. On the contrary, I've arrived at where I always wanted to be. I do not need to shave every hair off my body to feel this way, nor do I need to wear forms that add two sizes to my breasts.

I'm satisfied with where I am, and for that I'm so glad I've had these past four weeks in Germany alone to myself. It's been a time of self-discovery, where I've found me, and I like what I found.

We talk about doing all these things to make ourselves look as feminine as we can, and for some I'm sure that's the goal they truly need to reach. But is that true for all of us? How many of you are in the middle of the continuum and happy where you are? I cannot be the only one who feels like this ... can I?

Byllie

[Emily Anderson]

Well Byllie, I often think about where I'm going, and quite honestly I don't really know.

Other than that, I'm pretty good at getting places, looking back and saying "this is where i wanted to be."

Guided by my subconsciousness...

[Byllie]

Okay, now I'm feeling quite lonely and isolated. I had thought that folks on this forum were accepting of all manner of CDing, but I sense I've struck a nerve with my previous post. But I had to say it. After so long a period I can say I like the me I found. Still, I do not fit the model of what a CD should do or look like. I can accept that but not the isolation.

So allow me to ask the question one more time. Is there anyone out there for whom facial hair and make-up are compatible?

Byllie

[KATIE TV]

Byllie, Why are you feeling isolated? You haven’t received any adverse comments about your post, OK you have only received 1 reply but give us girls a chance you only posted it last night, As for having a beard, I had one for years and was comfortable with it and my dressing, I did try makeup in fact I went to a professional to do it for me but lets be honest it didn’t work for me, I am now clean shaven but would I pass for a woman? In truth no, but that is not the point, what is the point is “Are you happy with yourself” From your 1st post I think you are, So don’t feel bad, enjoy being who you are, Katie, X

[deja true]

No Byllie, you're not the only CD who's also happy with their beard.

Check out the "Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence". This is an activist organization of gay and straight crossdressing men, mostly in California cities.

They meet socially, participate in public events, and raise money for several gender and AIDS related charities.

Unfortunately, some are more "activist" than others and a few are responsible for that disruption of a church service that you may have heard about a year or so ago.

There are also lots of bearded members here too, but, by and large, I think most would rather live without their facial hair.

But like Katie says, what's important is how you feel about yourself. Self confidence is our most important goal, not just how we appear to others.

:)

[Angie G]

Byllie your not alone a lot of girls here go for just being partly dressed you keep is simple it works for you that's good. you go girl. :hugs:
Angie

[LovelyRita]

There is nothing wrong with having the beard...I keep a goatee most of the time and only shave it occasionally. And with our 14 y.o. gone to grandmas for the summer I am in femme clothes the enitre time I am at home.

[Byllie]

Thanks, girlz. Your kind remarks are appreciated more than you can ever imagine. I truly love the discussions we have on the forum, but also sometimes feel as if I'm on the fringe, so to speak. Then again, from your responses, perhaps I'm more main-stream than I felt.

Toodles! (with hugs and kisses galore)
Byllie

[Jaydee]

Byllie,
I am glad to hear that you are happy where you are on the "continuum". You are not alone. Beard or no beard, only you know where your "center of gravity" is. I am close to my balance point. I only dress occasionally, and then just normal age appropriate clothes, no make up or wig, and I don't go out, in either male or female mode, yet I am comfortable with this point. At this point in my life, this works for me. Reading the many posts here of others who are more fully toward the femme side, can make make me feel that I am a CD failure, but I am comfortable where I am. We are a diverse community, and should enjoy each others differences.

Jaydee

[KATIE TV]

I’m glad your feeling better about this, As for being in the fringe I bet most of the girls here have felt that at one time or another, I was having those thoughts myself, Have you read my recent post “Am I the only one”? If not read it and think you will understand you are not alone, if you would like to private message me for a chat please do. Love, Katie, X

[DeeDeeB]

You are in a very diverse group here. While some here will expect the rest of us to meet their own expectations, I don't believe that's true of the majority of us. Many are happy where they are, and others are on a continuing journey to get to their own comfort level. The main thing is, if you are happy where you are, that's great. Or, if you want to travel deeper into the "pink fog", there are many here to help guide you on the path. As to the beard, I shaved the beard that I had for 20 years about 15 years ago because it was getting too grey, and made me look 10 years older that I was.

Quick aside, I was in Wiesbaden for a couple of years in the late 1960s. It is a beautiful country you live in.

Dee :fairy1:

[Ann D Bluebird]

I found a beautiful balance of the man and woman inside me and let it show on the outside. I feel so good right now I could cry, but then my new mascara would probably run.

So, I am just me, tonight, neither a man nor a woman, just me, and it's what I want.
.........

I'm satisfied with where I am, and for that I'm so glad I've had these past four weeks in Germany alone to myself. It's been a time of self-discovery, where I've found me, and I like what I found.

We talk about doing all these things to make ourselves look as feminine as we can, and for some I'm sure that's the goal they truly need to reach. But is that true for all of us? How many of you are in the middle of the continuum and happy where you are? I cannot be the only one who feels like this ... can I?

Byllie


Byllie there is plenty of room in the middle ground for those who feel happiest there. "To thine own self be true" and all that.....

Sometimes I feel less of a need to appear feminine, sometimes more....but I will always just be me, no one else, and I am the only person who can be me too!

When I joined Marla S was an active poster...also from Germany...who also looked to find a comfortable middle ground. Her posts were often thought provoking on this...and still worth looking up perhaps?

[Byllie]

Thanks, ladies, for all the encouragement. And BTW, I'm a native New Yorker; I just happen to be in Germany, this summer, teaching.