Facing the damage of repression and transphobia

[battybattybats]

Theres been a bunch of posts recently about problems on the forum and in the community and of peoples perceptions of MtF CDers.

I think this comes from the damage of our personal repressions and of societies transphobia. Repression can lead to self-hatred and projection onto others. Homophobia is often for example caused by people so deeply repressing their own homosexuality or bisexuality that it leads to hatred and even violence. Transphobia, homophobia, sexism and more could all be caused by or exasserbated by our self-repressions and social indoctrinations.

So I think it's important that we acknowledge our own issues, past and current, that we have gone through because of this or that we are struggling with now in order to heal them, to gain greater self-acceptance and to help be better people.

This should be a venue of healing so try and reserve judgement and instead help with understanding, forgiveness, compassion and the like.

I'll start.

For a long time I had a problem with people who didn't pass, including myself. Drag Queens I thought very poorly of and I felt discomfort or worse when seeing a CD with strong masculine features. This included myself as in my teens when at one point i started to try and face my desire to dress I concluded that my nose was far too male, that I'd never pass and so I squashed my dressing away to just a little bit of lingerie a few times a year.

It wasn't homophobia, we had gay friends of the family. We also knew and still know a transexual just a little older than me who passes perfectly and i had no problem with the idea of a transexual, someone who I considered at the time was subject to a tragic error of nature. Androgynous fashion in women made me a teensy bit uncomfortable even whenI found it sometimes attractive. It was definatly a form of transphobia.

So I let my beard grow, I squashed away much of my feelings too. That helped me survive some of the bullying I faced at school but being told I was ugly and being spat on and attacked sure didn't help me think I could be pretty let alone deal with how harshly I was thinking about TG folk who couldn't pass.

As I matured I started to deal with things like the shallow apearance value way our society works which was certainly a factor in my issues and thought I'd dealt with it. As problems in my relationship over the last several years forced me to start to come to terms with my dressing I started coming here. I found that despite my good intentions and concious appreciation of the troubles for a very masculine featured CD my unconcious still held some of those biases and every so often I'd feel uncomfortable or even disgusted.

But I fought that. I pushed myself to empathise, to look at the person beyond the surface and also to change the way I was viewing people. I managed to watch Priscilla Queen of the Desert with barely a twinge and became a lot more comfortable as I came here more frequently. I think it's conquered now, I like my nose once the make-up is on and I don't have that reaction to even the most masculine featured MtF people here anymore and haven't for a long time. If it returns I know how to deal with it.

It was the same way I dealt with the racism I was starting to pick up living in rural Australia as a child.

I'm still working on other aspects of self-acceptance but thats my transphobic experiences.

What have been yours?

[sissystephanie]

I have never had any feeling of repression or transphobia that I consciously know of. Up until I married, I never tried to "pass," simply because I was not good with makeup. I was perfectly happy to wear pretty lingerie, and an occasional skirt or dress when alone at home. Sometimes when I saw a "Drag Queen" I was a little jealous. I wanted to look and dress like that! I don't think that qualifies as "Transphobia!"

When we were married, my dear late wife took over the makeup and wig duties. She made me passable enough that we often went out as two girls. And got hit on by men!:heehee: No repression there!

Sissy/Stephanie

Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

[sterling12]

I don't think anyone has had the opportunity to repress me....yet! Is there still a lot of transphobia out there? Of course, but it's much less overt these days. Seldom are you going to get a confrontation, whether you pass or not.

But, you can be just about certain that if your employer hears about it, with no laws to protect you; you will be walking out that door with no opportunity to defend yourself.

Am I transphobic? Good question, I go out all the time with Gurl's that don't pass. I am in a group, so I don't worry about such things. But, if I was out with a good TG Friend and she didn't "make the cut," then my perceptions might be different. I will need to examine my intentions, perhaps a prejudice recognized is a prejudice that we can start to deal with.

Self-Loathing and hatred? Not me! I've seen the phenomenon in Gay men who can't come to terms with their desires. It would seem reasonable that there are folks who are like that within The TG Community.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[bah-bah-bobbie]

I'm too closeted for repression from anyone else. I never really had any self loathing either. But I remember when I was younger I felt guilty and embarrassed for a while after trying on all of moms heels. But those feelings passed long ago.

[Jamie001]

Why do you say "But, you can be just about certain that if your employer hears about it, with no laws to protect you; you will be walking out that door with no opportunity to defend yourself" ?

If you are following the company dress code and not crossdressing at work, then it is none of your employer's business what you do when you are not at work. It is not illegal and therefore not any of their business. Don't give the folks that you work for power over your personal life and personal time by not going out dressed in public when you are not on work time. That is simply giving someone too much power over you.

At the company where I work, there are wife beaters and drunks on their own personal time and there is no problem. Just do you job while you are at work but don't give the company power over your personal life. That is too much of a sacrifice especially since you are not doing anything that is illegal.

:2c: Jamie



I don't think anyone has had the opportunity to repress me....yet! Is there still a lot of transphobia out there? Of course, but it's much less overt these days. Seldom are you going to get a confrontation, whether you pass or not.

But, you can be just about certain that if your employer hears about it, with no laws to protect you; you will be walking out that door with no opportunity to defend yourself.

Am I transphobic? Good question, I go out all the time with Gurl's that don't pass. I am in a group, so I don't worry about such things. But, if I was out with a good TG Friend and she didn't "make the cut," then my perceptions might be different. I will need to examine my intentions, perhaps a prejudice recognized is a prejudice that we can start to deal with.

Self-Loathing and hatred? Not me! I've seen the phenomenon in Gay men who can't come to terms with their desires. It would seem reasonable that there are folks who are like that within The TG Community.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[sterling12]

hi jamie:

I have had three different friends get fired for what they did, "off the job." All it can take is for someone to start whispering. I live in a "Right To Work State," here the Employer can fire you if they decide they don't like certain things about you without much in the way of penalties.

The latest episode I can site is with a good friend from Orlando. Sherrie did her work and by all accounts was a good employee. One day the Boss/owner calls her into The Office and says: "I hear you want to become a woman." "I hear you want to cut your "D**k off!" With that brief explanation she is summarily fired, walked off the job site by The Owner's Wife and not allowed to talk to any of her fellow workers. She's been out of work for over 9 months, "blackballed" within her profession, and has finally had to take a job for a lot less pay at a major retailer.

As I said, I know three people and that's just within my limited area of acquaintances. I am damn sure there are many others. Didn't you read what transpired with Susan Stanton? That's a classic example. And, that's why some of us are working very hard to try and get some type of National Law passed about discrimination against TG Folks. It may not stop them completely....but, it will sure slow them down.

What I do in my off time is not my employer's business! Unless I break the law, or have signed a contract with a moral's clause in it, my employer should not have the right to keep tabs on, nor interfere with my life.

Although a response never completely answers a question, I hope this gives you some idea of why I wrote what I did. Yes, some employer's might be liberal and understanding, but I wouldn't bet The Farm on it!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Nicole Erin]

My transphobe experience?

I used to think CDing was the ultimate in being gay. Shows what I knew, especially cause they are completely different things. Yes I used to be threatened by it at one point.

I mean even before I realised what I was, dressing up in women's things certainly didn't make ME a crossdresser. :o

[Joy Carter]

Batty, it's only happened to me once. And that was over a three year perioud at work. I know, had I accepted who I was before hand, I would have handled it better. My self hate and lack of knowledge of trans people were my down fall. Now I know I'm not a bad person.

[jill s]

I had my dressing up and wishing I was female so compartmentalized it really never entered the rest of my life. I did know that I cross dressed but was completely dissociated from it unless I was actually doing it. I hit 40 or so and slowly noticed that my dressing up wasn't sexual anymore but the urge to do it got much stronger as time went by. Two years ago at 48 I had a giant meltdown, quit my job, came out to my wife, started thinking about my gender constantly. I have been to therapy, purged several times, and really have no idea how to keep a lid on my want and urges. So if that's what repression gets you I don't recommend it to anyone.

[Sophia KT]

I know what you are saying. Since I have given up trying to be a woman and got on with being a transvestite I have become much freer. I don't even care about poverty or death; nothing worries me because I have lived content [though hidden] and...well, you can write the rest yourself I expect...

[Aurora27]

Oh, yes, I was very transphobic and homophobic in my teens. Partly it was due to my views on the natural order of things, partly my suppressed crossdressing backlashing at me.

And then some members of my family came out as gay, as well as a few close friends. That was near 5 years ago, and it wasn't until last year it stopped making me uncomfortable. I came to the personal realisation that homosexuality doesn't really exist other than physically, we are all just humans and it makes no difference what other human we decide to love and partner with. Thus the homophobia disappeared.

Hmm, but transphobia? To be honest it still lingers. I don't know why. I have spent months turning my thoughts inwards rediscovering my suppressed personality that I hid from everyone at school and I believe I have accepted myself, but the whole crossdressing/transgender thing still makes me a tad uncomfortable at times. I think its mostly either seeing someone who comes nowhere near passing, or who has taken crossdressing so far to the other end of the spectrum it becomes a bit ridiculous. I think I'm still in a sorta mindset where if people don't conform to my own views on things then it is wrong. Which is a terrible thing, but I still can't shake it, and to be honest I don't think anyone can ever achieve an attitude of all-acceptance with everyone and everything. Thats the problem with free will, everyone develops opinions and prejudice.

[Jamie001]

Sterling,

I understand your comments and the concern that you express, but for me, I just can't give people that much power over my personal life. It may be better to be dead than to give folks that you work for or work with that much power over your life. I believe that is why gay people are making so much progress because they are willing to stand-up for what they believe and come out in public and say that they are gay.

If we remain closeted and give these people power over our personal lives, then we will continue to be weak and will never make any progress. We have to stand up and fight just like the gay folks did.It may not be pleasant, but to me the absolute worst thing that can happen to anyone is allowing other people (especially people that you work with) to control your personal life. Once we make the decision that we won't allow that to happen, then we acheive true freedom.


hi jamie:

I have had three different friends get fired for what they did, "off the job." All it can take is for someone to start whispering. I live in a "Right To Work State," here the Employer can fire you if they decide they don't like certain things about you without much in the way of penalties.

The latest episode I can site is with a good friend from Orlando. Sherrie did her work and by all accounts was a good employee. One day the Boss/owner calls her into The Office and says: "I hear you want to become a woman." "I hear you want to cut your "D**k off!" With that brief explanation she is summarily fired, walked off the job site by The Owner's Wife and not allowed to talk to any of her fellow workers. She's been out of work for over 9 months, "blackballed" within her profession, and has finally had to take a job for a lot less pay at a major retailer.

As I said, I know three people and that's just within my limited area of acquaintances. I am damn sure there are many others. Didn't you read what transpired with Susan Stanton? That's a classic example. And, that's why some of us are working very hard to try and get some type of National Law passed about discrimination against TG Folks. It may not stop them completely....but, it will sure slow them down.

What I do in my off time is not my employer's business! Unless I break the law, or have signed a contract with a moral's clause in it, my employer should not have the right to keep tabs on, nor interfere with my life.

Although a response never completely answers a question, I hope this gives you some idea of why I wrote what I did. Yes, some employer's might be liberal and understanding, but I wouldn't bet The Farm on it!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[jennifer41356]

I have none, i have always believed in the phrase

treat others as you would like to be treated

[Sophia KT]

Sterling,

I understand your comments and the concern that you express, but for me, I just can't give people that much power over my personal life. It may be better to be dead than to give folks that you work for or work with that much power over your life. I believe that is why gay people are making so much progress because they are willing to stand-up for what they believe and come out in public and say that they are gay.

If we remain closeted and give these people power over our personal lives, then we will continue to be weak and will never make any progress. We have to stand up and fight just like the gay folks did.It may not be pleasant, but to me the absolute worst thing that can happen to anyone is allowing other people (especially people that you work with) to control your personal life. Once we make the decision that we won't allow that to happen, then we acheive true freedom.

I really admire you, and agree. But I don't wan't to be punnished for what I am to just prove a point; there are lots of things in life that are special to me [all of you here for a start] but as you have mentioned the odds are against us. The only thing I can think of is that we should all move to one area of the world so that we outnumber the anti-bunch and have aour own soverign state (just think of the parties!).

Anyway,

[tricia_uktv]

OMG hon, your a tranny, live with it!

:) And enjoy it, hugs