Mira
05-16-2005, 07:49 AM
The real reason I joined these forums at this time was to help ease a growing pain and to share my crossdressing hobby. I'm dying to do my makeup and take pictures now :) However, my recent divorce has left me an emotional wreck. I return to counselling tomorrow to deal with ache, guilt, and depression. I hate what I'm having to go through now because I have all the time in the world outside of work to dress and explore, yet my desire to do so wains everyday. Not good.
Anyways, I have known my ex-wife for 5 years and we were married 2.5 of those. Things started off as long distance, me in Michigan and she in Ontario. After 2 years of long distance, I got laid off from my job and we decided it was best if I moved as I had no real ties to Michigan. So I did, and 3 months later found my current job in Buffalo. She already owned a townhouse in Burlington and I commuted from there to Buffalo across the border everyday. It was 1.5 hours one way and rather difficult at times. We eventually moved slightly closer and my commute was reduced to an hour but the border was still a pain at times.
Our problems begain early on and I refused to acknowledge the warning signs, made excuses, blamed it all on the long distance relationship. One of the early recurring themes was the constant bickering over why I didn't call at certain times. I was often accused of not loving her, of cheating on her because I didn't return calls within 5 minutes. If I left work at 5pm and she couldn't reach me until 7, an argument ensued. I've never been one to argue, never grew up like that, never raised my voice to anyone except my parents when I was adolescent. I would beg her to be calm to no avail and then magically a day or so later she would pretend nothing happened. So I moved to Canada. It only got worse, we argued every few days because I didn't go to bed at 10pm like she did. This had never been a problem before and I tried my best to deal. So I insisted we seek counselling. Of course after one session she refused to return. I told her we could find another counsellor but she would hear none of it. So for the 3 months I looked for a job in Canada, I discovered I needed a work permit. I couldn't get one unless someone sponsored me as a permenant resident, such as a wife (we didn't get married until after I started working.) I couldn't apply for residency because I didn't qualify, I'd researched this extensively. The arguments began again. Every day I went without work I was accused of not trying hard enough and just wanting to use her for her money and support. I tried my hardest to be understanding but her verbal abuse was relentless. She didn't want to get married but I had moved so we could get married and I needed to be sponsored to work but couldn't. A hopeless deadend. Then a mutual friend suggested looking in Buffalo. After getting the job she was ready to marry.
I feel like I'm rambling, but please bare with me. To sum things up, her verbal insults knew no bounds. You name it, she screamed it. I would get down on my knees and beg her to stop. I would yell back sometimes. Often I would ask her to stop and I'd go into another room to cool down. She would follow, screaming. I would leave the house and go for a walk, she would stand in the doorway screaming at me down the street. I felt trapped so much. Then she started throwing things. I would dodge pots and cookware and tv remotes. I would run, she would follow. Then the next 3 days she wouldn't speak at all no matter how I offered to talk things offer. During her 3 day cool downs, the only thing she would say was that she wanted a divorce. This went on for 2 of the 2.5 years of marriage. I sought individual counselling. She then began harassing me over the fact that we would go from having sex 5-6 times a week to once every week or 2. I told her with the stresses of work, the commute, the border, and our instability, it was hard to maintain a high desire to share intimacy.
For so long all I heard was how I never did anything for her. All I heard was it was all my fault and she blamed me for the hurful things she did to me. We tried counselling one last time in January and I was running late from a meeting at work. I called and told her I would be late, she screamed at me. I said be calm and reschedule, we won't give up. She said she wanted a divorce. This time, I finally gave up. I was so tired of it all. Work had been a major stress source as my group was short 4 people and all the major accounts became my responsibility as my boss only had 2 of us who could handle the complexities of these accounts. Being so early into a new job I wanted to build my reputation, get off on the right foot. But for so long I was made to feel like I needed to choose between work and my wife. I had to choose between everything and her and no matter what I did, it was still all my fault and I had all the sick twisted problems.
I moved out in early February and signed the divorce papers March 1. I cannot explain the relief that followed. It was like I was waiting to exhale. Now it's May and all those good memories of being with her and loving her like I've never loved another woman have come rushing in. Last week when I cried uncontrollably for 4 hours one night, I gathered my courage and called the counsellor. I still feel like I love her more than anything and would do anything to be with her, but I know it's not possible. During the good times when we didn't argue, she would shop for me. She simply adored me picking out what she would wear and often told me how much she loved it when I told her how to dress. We had many of the same hobbies and I was never one to watch sports on tv and go out with the guys. I was always with her.
I'm sorry for posting such a long story, but some days the pain is too much to bare. I want to speak to her again, but she's moved and left no forwarding number. I know it's ok to feel like this, but I also know doing so is not what's needed. I need to move on with my life and be happy. So many days this is so hard to do. When the arguing and abuse are not around me, I feel so strongly for her. I can truly relate to all of those abused women who find it so hard to leave the destructive relationship or who return to an abusive SO. I ask myself over and over why is life so hard.......
Anyways, I have known my ex-wife for 5 years and we were married 2.5 of those. Things started off as long distance, me in Michigan and she in Ontario. After 2 years of long distance, I got laid off from my job and we decided it was best if I moved as I had no real ties to Michigan. So I did, and 3 months later found my current job in Buffalo. She already owned a townhouse in Burlington and I commuted from there to Buffalo across the border everyday. It was 1.5 hours one way and rather difficult at times. We eventually moved slightly closer and my commute was reduced to an hour but the border was still a pain at times.
Our problems begain early on and I refused to acknowledge the warning signs, made excuses, blamed it all on the long distance relationship. One of the early recurring themes was the constant bickering over why I didn't call at certain times. I was often accused of not loving her, of cheating on her because I didn't return calls within 5 minutes. If I left work at 5pm and she couldn't reach me until 7, an argument ensued. I've never been one to argue, never grew up like that, never raised my voice to anyone except my parents when I was adolescent. I would beg her to be calm to no avail and then magically a day or so later she would pretend nothing happened. So I moved to Canada. It only got worse, we argued every few days because I didn't go to bed at 10pm like she did. This had never been a problem before and I tried my best to deal. So I insisted we seek counselling. Of course after one session she refused to return. I told her we could find another counsellor but she would hear none of it. So for the 3 months I looked for a job in Canada, I discovered I needed a work permit. I couldn't get one unless someone sponsored me as a permenant resident, such as a wife (we didn't get married until after I started working.) I couldn't apply for residency because I didn't qualify, I'd researched this extensively. The arguments began again. Every day I went without work I was accused of not trying hard enough and just wanting to use her for her money and support. I tried my hardest to be understanding but her verbal abuse was relentless. She didn't want to get married but I had moved so we could get married and I needed to be sponsored to work but couldn't. A hopeless deadend. Then a mutual friend suggested looking in Buffalo. After getting the job she was ready to marry.
I feel like I'm rambling, but please bare with me. To sum things up, her verbal insults knew no bounds. You name it, she screamed it. I would get down on my knees and beg her to stop. I would yell back sometimes. Often I would ask her to stop and I'd go into another room to cool down. She would follow, screaming. I would leave the house and go for a walk, she would stand in the doorway screaming at me down the street. I felt trapped so much. Then she started throwing things. I would dodge pots and cookware and tv remotes. I would run, she would follow. Then the next 3 days she wouldn't speak at all no matter how I offered to talk things offer. During her 3 day cool downs, the only thing she would say was that she wanted a divorce. This went on for 2 of the 2.5 years of marriage. I sought individual counselling. She then began harassing me over the fact that we would go from having sex 5-6 times a week to once every week or 2. I told her with the stresses of work, the commute, the border, and our instability, it was hard to maintain a high desire to share intimacy.
For so long all I heard was how I never did anything for her. All I heard was it was all my fault and she blamed me for the hurful things she did to me. We tried counselling one last time in January and I was running late from a meeting at work. I called and told her I would be late, she screamed at me. I said be calm and reschedule, we won't give up. She said she wanted a divorce. This time, I finally gave up. I was so tired of it all. Work had been a major stress source as my group was short 4 people and all the major accounts became my responsibility as my boss only had 2 of us who could handle the complexities of these accounts. Being so early into a new job I wanted to build my reputation, get off on the right foot. But for so long I was made to feel like I needed to choose between work and my wife. I had to choose between everything and her and no matter what I did, it was still all my fault and I had all the sick twisted problems.
I moved out in early February and signed the divorce papers March 1. I cannot explain the relief that followed. It was like I was waiting to exhale. Now it's May and all those good memories of being with her and loving her like I've never loved another woman have come rushing in. Last week when I cried uncontrollably for 4 hours one night, I gathered my courage and called the counsellor. I still feel like I love her more than anything and would do anything to be with her, but I know it's not possible. During the good times when we didn't argue, she would shop for me. She simply adored me picking out what she would wear and often told me how much she loved it when I told her how to dress. We had many of the same hobbies and I was never one to watch sports on tv and go out with the guys. I was always with her.
I'm sorry for posting such a long story, but some days the pain is too much to bare. I want to speak to her again, but she's moved and left no forwarding number. I know it's ok to feel like this, but I also know doing so is not what's needed. I need to move on with my life and be happy. So many days this is so hard to do. When the arguing and abuse are not around me, I feel so strongly for her. I can truly relate to all of those abused women who find it so hard to leave the destructive relationship or who return to an abusive SO. I ask myself over and over why is life so hard.......