How to get support from my mom?

[Nicole_Lasmedias]

Hi ladies,
this is the first time I'm posting here, although I've been reading this forum for over a year, without registration, then I registered, but still didn't write.
Too shy, I guess... This is really addicting forum, I'm checking it about everyday. I've been dressing since I was 4, my sister was dressing me up imaging I was her litter sister. My mom wasn't against that, because she wanted another girl. But when I was growing up, she thought I will stop dressing when I get older. I didnt. Now I'm 24 and I still doing it. I live by myself and have the chance to dress every day. But when mom visits me, I can't dress and hide all my clothes and shoes. My mom knows that I still do that, but she doesn't support it. She thinks it is a deviation and it is her fault. She wasn't to separate with her husband (my stepfather) because of some issues they had. So mom wants to stay with me. I'm ok with that, I love my mom, she is great person. I will be glad when she'll stay with me. However, problem is my dressing. Like a smoker, who can't survive without a cigarette even 5 min, I can't stay not dressed for very long... If I'm not dressed more than a day, all I can think about is my clothes and shoes.
How could I get rid of that addiction? Or get it easier:) So I would't be so addicted. Or the main question is, how to get mom's support? SO I could dress when she is around or even get her help me to dress?
Thanks

[Wendy me]

nicole could you set down with your mom and tell her she is welcome to stay with you but tell her that you still like to dress and you want to do that even while she is staying with you pohaps some guide lines as to keep you bouth comfy?????

[Tamara Croft]

Have you asked her why she thinks it's her fault??? I think you should have a chat to her about this before even contemplating dressing in front of her. I think once you have discussed this, then ask her if she would be comfortable having you dress in front of her. Do you think you are ready yourself to actually dress in front of her though? :D Just talk things through with her and take it slowly. Explain to her why you crossdress and maybe show her this forum and how many out there actually do the same thing. Or just get some information she can read so she knows that there isn't anything wrong with you and it isn't her fault, even if she believes it is. Hope this helps.

[Lady Jayne]

I agree with Wendy, as you said she knows but she dosn't support it. You need to sit her down and say, look mum I love you and I don't want to make you uncomfortable but this is who I am, I need this for me. After all it is your home. If you try to suppress it you will both feel uncomfortable and I'm sure she will get used to it fairly quickly.

[eileen1969]

My Mom always knew about my crossdressing and today she does have a little problem about my dressing up. I just let her know that this is me and also that she never went wrong in anyway! Let her know about all of you and I am sure she already knows right now! Take time and be honest with her is by far the best way to go about this! take care n stay sexy Eileenxoxo ;)

[Tristen Cox]

I think one thing you should think about is that she is coming to stay with YOU, not the other way around. I could see you changing for her if you were going into your place, but she is coming to yours. If she already knows, then she should also be thinking about that when coming to live with you. I don't mean this the wrong way. You are allowing her to be in your home she should do her part to make you feel comfortable as well. If she has a problem with what you do then she should concider how to deal with that before moving in. This should not all be on your shoulders. However if you really want to stop your ways to compromise, then do so. Yet I can see possible future problems either way. I do hope you both can strike a bargain where she can be more open and accepting with you. That's the only way I can see it working for the long run. Just my 2 cents. Good luck ;)

[jjjjohanne]

I guess it will be as hard to sell it to your mom as it is to sell this stuff to our wives. Interesting scenario... Definitely have her tell you what about it concerns her. Women are not like men and this stuff is not like typical "men stuff." So, she is probably understanding it according to her terms as a woman who hasn't dealt with this before. She may have some big misconceptions.

Second, don't bombard her. Start slow and build up. If you show up in a dress and makeup on the first day, you are going to meet a different response than if you move in slowly.

[Nicole_Lasmedias]

Thanks everyone for your help. I will try to approach slowly... I don't know if I want to show her my wedding dress right now:) However, she did see my high heels stilettos. When she visited me, I forgot to hide the box with shoes. She noticed red box and asked what was it. I showed her. Her reaction was interesting. She said "it is nice shoes, where did you get them?" I said at fredericks.com. Since those shoes have 4 inch heel, mom asked me if I can walk in them. I showed, and she was surprised, that I was. But she still tells me that I should fight with desire to dress, I should not think about it, I shout stay away... And I can't do all those things. I've tried many times. Mom says I got to be stong and stop doing it. And I'm weak, because I can't stop. I showed her one pair, now I want to show her all my 17 pairs. My skirts, my dresses... My pantyhose collection... We'll see what her reaction is going to be... Just need to start right conversation, I guess...
Thanks a lot for your help, ladies!

[Krissi]

As usual the girls here are full of great advice. The one thing I'll throw in might be to sneak in some casual femme things at first. Wear some shorts and a blouse and sandals around the house, something that could almost be gender neutral. Let her get comfy with seeing you dressed and how comfortable you look and act. If you jump right out in that wedding dress or in ****wear then she's probably going to take a colder stance with you. I think its a great start that she showed some interest in your shoes. I'd say drop some bread crumbs like that and let her follow the trail. Some shoes laying here and there, a skirt hanging on the bedroom door, little things like that, let her see them, you guys can talk about them and how cute they are and take it slow.

[DonnaT]

Nicole

Showing her all your collection is not going to change her thinking on the subject.

What you need to show her, or tell her, are the basic facts about crossdressers.

You are not weak just because you can't quit. It's not a "habit" to be overcome, like smoking. Crossdressing is not a disease nor a mental illness that can be cured.

I suggest reading the following web pages and get ready for a long talk. You are going to be the teacher and your mother is going to be the student. Print out the info if you think she'll read it.

http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/

[Melissa A.]

Great advice, Donna.

Nicole, your mom needs to know you are who you are, and it isn't her fault. That is the most important thing. The fact that you and her can discuss it civilly is a good thing. All she needs is more information.

As far as sharing cding with her, I think you should set your sights a bit lower and try to help her accept who you are. And by the way, YOU need to do a little of that, too.(which makes you pretty typical) As Donna said, cding is not a disease or a habit. There is no cure, and as far as I am concerned, none is necessary.

My mom knows I crossdress, and is supportive, although she worries alot about my safety, as far as going out. But I have no desire to share crossdressing with her. If she wanted to see, fine. But heck, she's my mom!

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Nicole_Lasmedias]

Thanks everyone! I knew this would be right place to ask such a question:)
I'm not going to dress in front of my mom, I just want that she would accept me the way I am. And maybe show her all 17 pairs of shoes... It is kind of hard to hide them everytime she comes.

[Donna Delite]

Do like I did and accidentally email pics of yourself fully dressed, see my avitar pic, this was of of them.

[gender_blender]

I got more support from my mother after I explained the whole transgender thing to her and let her read some literature about the topic. I try to make her understand that it is not a curse, but rather a rare blessing to be this way.


Charlie

[PrettySatinNightgown]

You've gotta have a supportive mum in this situation, beleive me. It took me a lot of years to come out with it to Mum. She knew I used to dress up as a little boy, but thought I grew out of it years later (Well, I did"nt). I'm very grateful I have such a understanding and grateful mum because I store 90% of my gowns/dresses at her place and the rest at my place, due to lack of space. Y'see I'm in a bungalow on my Dads property (mum and dad are divorced). Dad does'nt know, but I'm pretty secure and keep it very secretive. My advice to you is just be yourself, sit her down and just tell her who you are and how you feel. To be trueful, without my mum I would'nt be here now. Mums really can be the greatest.

[Nicole_Lasmedias]

Now mom tries to aviod the subject as much as she can...

[Tristen Cox]

Nicole forgive me for sticking in my opinion here, but I will tell you what I 'think'. Mothers can have a way of fixing an image of their children in their head. Anything they see in their mind as wrong they want to ignore or even make the child realize it is wrong for them selves sometimes. I think this is what she is doing. She wants you to see it her way as just something that has no substance and no place in reality because for her (not understanding/experiencing it) it is not part of reality. So to get you to see this she may be playing you up by not wanting to discuss it. In other words she wants you to see it is not real, even though it is to you. This may make her feel like she's done something wrong as a parent. Whatever the case is, it is increasingly obvious she wants you to take the blame as it were and correct your'self' where she 'thinks' you are wrong. This is my interpretation, and I of course could be wrong or very much right. I only offer it for you to have a better perspective of the possibilities. If I am right, there's most likely no way to get her to accept you this way, and that perhaps may push her further apart from you the more that you try. Again this is only my opinion.

My best to you.

[Nicole_Lasmedias]

Thanks, Tristen. I came here for the advice, therefore I will listen to every opinion and advice here. The reason my mom feels guilty about my crossdressing is of course she wanted girl so bad, when I was born she was shocked. And when my sister was dressing me up to 2 years, she didn't do anything and she actually liked it. Then I was dressing on my own since 4. Still, she thought I was little, I will grow up and everything. When I was little, everyone thought I was a girl. I looked much as a girl. When I was 14, people thought I was a girl... Some times mom used to refer to me as "she" not on purpose, mom didn't even notice that she reffered to me as "she"... And when I told her, that I wanted to be a girl, she was pretty upset. She said "that was my fault, I wanted a girl, I didn't stop dressing" and all that. In age of 16 I realized that I will never be a girl, so I tried not to think about it. Tried to convice myself that being a girl is hard, uncomfortable... Tried to find any disadvantage of being girl. None of that helped. I've learned to accept myself. Now I would be quite happy if I could dress a a girl 24/7. And mom tries to convince me "you are a boy, you should act as a boy, you should dress as a boy..." In another hand, my sister is half tom boy, and half girly girl. She can wear really nice 4" high heels and nice skirt, but also likes men's baggy pants and mens shoes... When she dresses as a guy, mom says nothing... And for me, she thinks "it is not normal". Of course, when she cought me first time (when I was already a "big boy) in 1996, first question was "are you gay?". When I said "I'm not" she didn't believe me 100%. Since then I proved her that I'm not gay... I had girfriends and all that stuff.

[Imogen_Mann]

Be careful... thats my advice. I tried to explain things to my mother many times since I was about 14 (I'm 35 now) yet in the end I have come to the conclusion that she really is too set in her ways, and will not ever accept anything from me (or my sister) that's not seen as 100% normal. My mother has spent years pretending to be a rebel and an alternative thinker but deep down it seems, she's the un-movable object and my sister and I are the un-stoppable forces.
Sad to accept it, but thats where I am, I just hope you have better luck than me long term.
I am very lucky in so much as, between my two best friends in the world (both GG's) one (my ex) knows and understands but is a bit bothered because we have a daughter and worries that she will find out etc... which I think is understandable really, and the other knows, understands and accepts it as part on my life and talks to me about it all the time (she's my other ex).

Maybe if your mother find's it hard to accept you as you are, but you really need maternal influence, it's worth looking for a mother substitute, or maybe just a good (more mature) GG, tv or cd friend. (have you tried the personals at crossdressers . com ?) :p

[Elysia]

I think one thing you should think about is that she is coming to stay with YOU, not the other way around.
This is the material point. There comes a time when the relationship between parent and child must be transformed into that of adult and adult. It is often not an easy transition for either party. Your mother is entitled to think that it’s a deviation and she can think it’s her fault if she wishes but she does not have the right to tell you how you to conduct yourself in the privacy of your own home. Cross-dressing is not legal.

She may or may not accept your cross-dressing. If you are looking for acceptance from her then I’d take DonnaT’s advice.



Showing her all your collection is not going to change her thinking on the subject.

What you need to show her, or tell her, are the basic facts about crossdressers.
Maybe with more information your mom will become accepting or even supportive and that would surely be a wonderful thing—I hope that’s the way it goes—but even if she doesn’t become supportive, you can insist that she be tolerant, because she is going to be a guest in your home.

[DonnaT]

Nicole, I can see you might need a little more information for your mother.

It appears from your posts that your mother has it set in her mind that she is the cause of your CDing.

To put her mind at peace, print off the following web pages. They helped my wife come to terms with my dressing.

http://www.marybethsanford.com/sec500/pg01.html (all 3 pages)

http://www.marybethsanford.com/sec500/pg06.html

[Nicole_Lasmedias]

Thanks everyone for your great advices! Mom still avoiding this subject... She came over yesterday, and I "forgot" to hide my high heels shoes. Mom looked and didn't say a word... I try to start that conversation with her, and this is not easy for me... ANd she just changes the subject. Well, if I show her all my clothes, we'll see how she'll react :confused:

[Nicole_Lasmedias]

Mom was visiting me and she stayed over night and I just told her everything and showed her all my stuff. She really liked wedding dress, but when I showed her all my shoes, and clothes and pantyhose... She started crying. "This is more serious, than I thought!" she said. I told her to stop crying, I'm not sick and not dying, just accept me the way I am. She said she loves me no matter what, but again it is all her fault, and she is getting crazy. We'll see how it is going to go in the future