Wife told me men dont wear nail polish, blah blah advice needed

[PennyUK]

Hi all,

My wife has known about my cding since the first date, she has always turned a blind eye to it and takes little interest, I find it very hard at times.

I love wearing toe nail polish, fem jeans, shoes, you know the story :), I feel my wife either feels threatened or is jealous, when my wife is in a mood she will say things such as "men don’t wear nail polish", "men don’t wear stretch jeans", "men don’t wear mascara".

When I say why carn't men do these things, she says its not "NORMAL" .

My wife wears what she likes and I get sooooooo depressed.

Can anyone please tell me why we cannot wear what we want (within reason). I think things are so unfair.

Are women jealous, don't want use to step into there area so to speak, afraid of what other's might say, or what.

Can anyone please tell me why cding is so so wrong..........I have problems understanding why......

Penny

[TracyH]

The only thing you did wrong was marrying a woman who knew about and hasn't accepted your crossdressing since the first date. You expected her to come around, and she expected you to stop crossdresssing. Neither has happened and now you're married. You need to figure out what's important to you and make a desicion based on that.

[Brina Halloween]

I wear women's jeans almost all the time. They fit me better. I do like the tighter ones I admit but, I have looser ones too.

Normal is a matter of definition. I dated a girl in Colombia. We went jean shopping because she did not like my jeans. The jeans from the guy section look more like American girl jeans. Guess is the only place I have seen guys jeans that came close to those. She also wanted me to get a manicure and pedicure there. I left the store with clear nail polish on my nails. Apparently the normal for guys there that have a manicure.

Normal is a matter of context.

Brina

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Penny,
I know it must be very difficult for you not being able to share your CDing with your wife more openly. However, I think you should look on the bright side in as much as although she turns a blind eye to it, she doesn't absolutley throw a wobbler. There are many CDs who would love that level of acceptance in order to have a modicam of freedom to dress without fear of getting found out.

Secondly, she might not be jealous at all. It is true some women do feel threatened by their Fella CDing, but it is more about fear of the unknown than Jealousy. I would hazard a guess that by making rude or hurtful comments to you your wife feels more in control of something that she really doesn't understand. Fear can do strange things to people and we hit out and say things as a means of defence.

Thirdly CDing is not wrong. I have just written a response to Tommi in her Thread entitled "Why" which explains my views on CDing more comprehensively and you might find that helpful. The trouble is Society has a pre conceived idea of what men and women should act like, dress like, and look like and unfortunately as yet we aren't educated enough to accept something that is still on the fringes of society.

Take heart. Try and be the one who reaches out the arm of understanding to her. I know its difficult when we women are being a tad hormonal, but someone has to make the first move. It is worth noting that any minority group will suffer misunderstanding and in some cases abuse, but it is they who have to meet people where they are and not the other way round. Very very difficult but not impossible.
Take care my friend
Bev

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Penny,

Not all women think this way but unfortunately there plenty out there that do. They have genuine concerns because we are talking about their feelings here. When it comes to feelings, yours, mine, theirs are all just as important as each others.

There could be many reasons why she doesn't like this. Perhaps it simply "turns her off" or maybe it's because she's frightened that if she allows it, it will lead to something more that she won't be able to handle. Maybe she's concerned about what the family or neighbors will think if they find out, or simply just "fear of the unknown". It's complicated.

Somehow you have to find out what is really bugging her about you wanting to wear nail polish and women's jeans. There is a reason, and once you find out why she is opposed to this then you can have some real dialog as to how you can deal with this in your relationship.

IMHO, many women retreat into a state of denial about their partner’s crossdressing and spend the rest of their lives trying to wish it away or simply demand that it stop. They think that if they refuse to tolerate it, it will disappear. This attitude is a tremendous barrier to progress for couples. Make sure she knows that expressing your femininity makes you feel relaxed, happy, and fulfilled, while suppressing it causes stress, anxiety, and irritability. However, you have to listen to her concerns as well. Try to be loving and sensitive but do try to get to the bottom of what is really the barrier that she has for not accepting this.

Good luck
Rachel

[Holly]

I have to agree with Brina... my definition of "normal" will be very different from yours and both of our definitions will be different from your wife's. You and your wife are not communicating. Start talking to her and stop complaining about her.

[PennyUK]

Thank you for your reply's

TracyH, Maybe you are right, I was open and honest from the start, maybe my wife was not.

I find all the reply's very intresting, Rachel M made some good points, I know my wife would not like the neighbours/family to know, and maybe if she could let go of her hang up we could get on with life.

I do try and talk to my wife about my cding, and she say's how can she understand, if I cannot understand why I do it. (good point I think)

I know how it makes me feel and helps me unwind, but as why I need to do it, well we each have our own reasons, and I think that is the million $ question.

I hate that word normal, as said in the reply's we all have our own idea's of normal.

[Jilmac]

Well Penny I can't speak for the UK but I can assume that the attitudes towards male and female roles are about the same as here in the US. We were all raised to believe that there were certain clothes, games, feelings, traits, habits, and appearances that were exclusively male or female. Society has been dictating for many years, the distinct gender roles and those stereotypes are difficult to overcome. No body can really assertain what is "normal" behavior because what may seem normal to one, may be absolutely wierd to another.

As far as your wife saying men wearing nail polish is not normal, I would ask her why society accepts women who sport tatoos? Aren't they considered normal by society's standards? Mind you, I have nothing against women wearing tatoos, I'm just posing a question about normality. There are many clothes, traits, habits, and appearances which were once exclusively male, that are now showing up as unisex, so why not the other way around?

Luv and :hugs: Jill

[Angie G]

I wear all those thing and it's nor wrong has you fife ever had one of your shirts on then she would be a cross dresser also :hugs:
Angie

[Chiana]

Let me make an assumption. Does she say these things when you 2 are out in public? It is much easier to be accepting of wearing nail polish and wearing women's jeans when you are in private. It is altogether another matter if you are doing it in public or where others can see how you are dressed. If you are doing it in public, you are, in essence, putting her on display as well and she might not be comfortable with that and then she expresses her discomfort by saying men don't wear nail polish or women's jeans. I certainly don't see it as women being jealous.

[sissystephanie]

I have to agree with Brina... my definition of "normal" will be very different from yours and both of our definitions will be different from your wife's. You and your wife are not communicating. Start talking to her and stop complaining about her.

As usual, Holly is right on target. Your wife did know about your CD'ing before you were married, and still married you! Either she accepted you "as is," or she thought she could change you! Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to find out which way she is thinking! As wise Holly said, COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!

BTW, you probably CD because you like to. Which is the reason most of us on this forum dress, IMHO!!! Not because we want to actually be a woman, we just like to look like one. Oh yes, don't forget to constantly remind your wife that you are "her man!"

Sissy/Stephanie

Lady on the outside, but man underneath.

[suezeq]

normal is a cycle on a washing machine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Bev06 GG]

normal is a cycle on a washing machine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The word normal is fast becoming obsolete. When you consider the diversity of the society in which we live I think it is becoming increasingly difficult to define what normal actually means. To be honest it isn't a label that I would want attached to me anyhow, aren't we all as individuals quite unique. I know I am and I am certain that everyone else is too.
Bev

[Suzie S.]

Penny, I have to agree with the others here. You aren't doing anything wrong, per se. But your wife's lack of knowledge and understanding of cding might be her worst enemy. It's like Bev said, the fear of the unknown. All I can suggest is that you provide her (but not flood her) with accurate information about cding. Then let her set the pace as to how quickly she can absorb it. Just take things slow, and keep the communication open.

[Kristen Kelly]

I am 1 more person out there trying to change the definition of normal, my toenails are always painted all Summer long, and my fingers are as manicured as I can keep them at work ( I keep a nail file in my pocket at all times) not for fear of what others think but working around acetone at work nail polish never lasts long.


The word normal is fast becoming obsolete. When you consider the diversity of the society in which we live I think it is becoming increasingly difficult to define what normal actually means. To be honest it isn't a label that I would want attached to me anyhow, aren't we all as individuals quite unique. I know I am and I am certain that everyone else is too.
Bev

[PennyUK]

Hi all,

Thank you for all your support, reading you advice and you words of wisdom do help me, I have read all of your comments over and over again, I still find it hard to understand why socitey say if a man wears fem clothes or makeup that it is wrong.........

On a brighter note I will try to upload a picture of me in fem mode, it's when I have my blond wig on, it made me smile......just got to figure how to upload it?.

[Littlej10]

I agree that the increasing diversity of our societies is making the definition of "normal" more difficult to be sure of. Unfortunately there are so many people "out there" who have their ideas firmly established and will consider anything which they do not understand, is contrary to their religious beliefs or to opinions gathered from their narrow social background. It seems that for this hopefully shrinking but still, I fear, predominant an so setting normality, CDs are considered to be outside of their "normal" definition. That is probably a major reason why we join and enjoy this site so that we can be normal, i.e. part of the majority for a change.

[Jonianne]

Hi Penny,

I very much feel and understand the level of frustration you have. There is a double standard in society concerning the way we dress. My ex-wife and I discussed this many times. Certainly, there is nothing wrong, immoral, illegal or otherwise bad about it.

Now, if there is a religious componant in your wife's problem with it, that may be a harder matter for your wife to come to terms with. Hopefully not. She must love you enough to want to stay so far, so hopefully communication and paitence will prevail.

[PennyUK]

Hi Jonianne,

My wife and I love each other very much, we are not religious so no probs with this. It's just every time I try to talk to my wife about my cding she trys to avoid it.

I will take her out for a nice meal and approach the subject again, and I will keep you all posted, I cannot thank you all enough for your support, it has been of great help.

Here is the picture of me in a blond moment ha ha :)

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

Can't really say what to say as I have been divorced 8 yrs now. I was cross dressing to some degree thru my marriage but the wife was not happy with it. She was okay as long as It was not seen by others. When she decided on divorce years ago I don't feel it was because of the cross dressing, but from my sister in law telling her she could get a wealthier husband.

My two cents is this, we all want to know we are loved and accepted as we are, many times in our relationships we let things get cold or taken for granted, we don't express the love we have for the one we love or the one we are married too.

Sometimes, we are so in love with ourselves or maybe our fem side, we forget our spouse or loved one. I think when you talk with your wife express that you love her before anything else including cross dressing, but then express that Cd'ing is part of you and that your feminine side loves her too. Ask her if she can accept it as part of you, but continue to put her first. A friend of mine say's he express's to his wife everyday his love for her at least 10 times a day. His wife soaks it up. Again everyone wants to be loved and very often when we let it go cold that's when the relationship goes south.

For me it was sixteen yrs of a good marriage (I thought) but for my wife it went blah.. She asked for a divorce eventually she remarried. I was one not to say 'I love you' alot, but will not repeat that mistake again. I think that your wife loves you, but feels that you love cd'ing more than her, tell her and show her that she's the one for you. :2c::battingeyelashes: Kimberly

PS You look cute as a blonde

[Emily Anderson]

Hi all,

My wife has known about my cding since the first date, she has always turned a blind eye to it and takes little interest, I find it very hard at times.

I love wearing toe nail polish, fem jeans, shoes, you know the story :), I feel my wife either feels threatened or is jealous, when my wife is in a mood she will say things such as "men don’t wear nail polish", "men don’t wear stretch jeans", "men don’t wear mascara".

When I say why carn't men do these things, she says its not "NORMAL" .

My wife wears what she likes and I get sooooooo depressed.

Can anyone please tell me why we cannot wear what we want (within reason). I think things are so unfair.

Are women jealous, don't want use to step into there area so to speak, afraid of what other's might say, or what.

Can anyone please tell me why cding is so so wrong..........I have problems understanding why......

Penny

Your wife is right: it's not "normal". Typically, men don’t wear nail polish, stretch jeans, or mascara.

Welcome to the real world!

Perhaps instead of feeling what your wife thinks, you might want to discuss things openly with her, and especially listen very carefully what she has to say about it, making no assumptions.

Anyway, you CAN wear whatever you want, without permission from anyone. Just be ready to accept the consequences, whatever they may be.

It's certainly not wrong, just different.

[dazzed]

Four dollar a gallon gas isn't normal but its reality. My pink toenails may not be normal but there a reality.If there is a normal I want no part of it

[Jonianne]

Hi Penny,

Great picture! "Blond" does you just fine.

From what you say, I believe you and your wife will work it out in time. Just be paitent.

Instead of bringing up the subject directly, maybe you could ask her for a time that you and she could discuss it. Let her feel like she has some control over when and where.

Let her know how much it would mean to you to work out a compromise in this important area of your life. She probly has a lot of fear that she will lose you.
If she knows clear boundries can be set, that might help any fear that she has.

My wife has been very supportive and accepting, but she still needs to feel secure and assurance that I am still her husband and will be. We have set up boundries and I have more than enough room for my femme self to be happy. Boundries will probly change over time, as she feels more secure.

I hope this helps. Lots of good advice is found here on the forum.

Good luck!

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

Penny,
I trually hope your wife will come to understand your CDing.After reading about other fellow CDers have wives that don't support their CDing, I feel very lucky to have a wife who supports my CDing. My wife loves when I become Felicity and it even makes me enjoy that much more.In fact it was my wife who said to me to try CDing and when I did it,talk about a great feeling. I wish all of my fellow CDers could have a very supportive wife like I do.

Felicity :)

[Nicole Erin]

Penny, you look great in that photo! The black dress with the blonde hair, you have a great look going :D

ANYways, we are not the ones to ask what is wrong with CDing cause to us it is not a problem. :D I mean if one of us walked in while you were doing your nails, our first question would be "Do you have anything to drink? It is hot outside"

But basically, supposedly there is some gender barrier that states that men are not suppose to wear anything that is for a woman. Give me a break. :brolleyes:

There are plenty of gender barriers, we just choose to ignore the dress codes.

[Katherine Bell]

Your wife obviously never heard of the term metro sexual. Not only do men wear nail polish, stretch denim and so on but they look good doing it. My fiancée just got complimented at a restaurant for having on nail polish by one of the servers when he was dressed in drab. I couldn’t agree more he looked fablous. Men--people who take care of their skin, body and groom themselves are not unnatural in any way. And you can tell your wife a soon to be wife said that.
The nail polish was OPI bubble bath.

[NoraTV]

Men don't wear nail polish? Nonsense.

Take a very close look at well-groomed men's fingernails these days. Many of them have professional manicures, including polish. I work in a "suited" profession and I always wear a subtle matte polish (Revlon Sheer Blush) on my nails when I am dressed in my manly garb. People in business settings notice hands.

Check out the feet of men wearing sandals. (Yeah, I know...pretty ugly most of them) You will see a significant number -- maybe 10% depending on where your are -- with pedicures and a clear polish. I would never wear sandals, not even at the beach, without my toe nails trimmed, filed, and polished. (Although I am not quite to fire engine red yet.)

High heels are also beginning to move back into men's fashions. In the 70s I frequently wore 2" or 2-1/2" heels. It wasn't to express my femme self (or maybe it was, a little) but that was a style at the time. Check out http://ezinearticles.com/?Men-In-High-Heels&id=230963 or http://stylebites.blogspot.com/2007/02/men-in-heels-next-big-thing.html for some mainstream commentary.

[bah-bah-bobbie]

Men don't wear nail polish? Nonsense.

High heels are also beginning to move back into men's fashions. In the 70s I frequently wore 2" or 2-1/2" heels. It wasn't to express my femme self (or maybe it was, a little) but that was a style at the time. Check out http://ezinearticles.com/?Men-In-High-Heels&id=230963 or http://stylebites.blogspot.com/2007/02/men-in-heels-next-big-thing.html for some mainstream commentary.

The above brings to mind two things. High heels was originally a mans fashion. I don't have time to redo my research right now but some guy back in the 17'th century with an inferiority complex wanted shoes that made him taller, thus heels were born. Look at full body paintings of men from the 16 and 1700's. They are in heels. American cattle ranchers wore boots with a spike heel untill I don't know when (although rodeo cowboys might still) to help dig in to the ground to control members of the herd.

Secondly, this might be useless since I don't know your age, but ask the missus about her favorite music from the 80's. Look at what guys wore back then (excluding culture club). And then ask why its so hard accepting you as is.

[AKAMichelle]

Maybe you should listen to the song by Brad Paisley called "I'm still a guy". It's a funny song which makes fun of guys that have manicures and pedicures. He talks about some guys as being feminized and nutured.

I got a kick out of the song only because he was poking fun at me. I love pedicures.

Men come in all different sizes, shapes, likes and dislikes. So normal is definitely a relative term. Most people think that I have become a metrosexual male since they have no idea of my CDing. It is all a matter of perspective.

Michelle

[PennyUK]

Hi all,

Some of your reply's made me laugh, thanks for cheering me up.

One of the points that made me stop and think (do I pay to much attention to my fem side and not the wife).

Im not sure how I feel about this, would I pay more attention to my wife if she would be more accepting of my fem side, Hummmmm

I have been to a few meets at Lyndhurst (now shut) also at Totton (southampton).

I sat with some of the other tg girls, and three quaters of the way through the night and after a few dances one, of the other tg girls turned to look at all the others at the dance and said to me is this normal.

I had a good time at the dance but what was said makes me wonder.

I know this is going of track but that word "NORMAL". Ughrrrrrrrrrrr

Here is another picture of me, the shoes are to die for............

68246

Thank you for helping me through a low patch, I will let you know how the chat went with the wife once we have had it.

Hugs

Penny

[SallyDupont]

Maybe MEN don't wear nail polish, but cd/tv's do if they want to. Not all girls/women wear polish or even makeup these days - what of it?

[erickka]

Penny, I still just have one little question. Can ANYONE really define "normal"? I think that normality is programmed into each individual according to religious beliefs, upbringing, etc. This, I believe, is the root of the "closed minded" societies all across the globe. CDing is not wrong or illegal, but another way for us to express the true self within us. Keep your chin up, maybe someday your S/O will lighten up a little, and begin to see the whole picture. Maybe someday, we will eventually be granted full rights and priveladges as all those "normal" folks out there.

[Deanna2]

When I say why carn't men do these things, she says its not "NORMAL"

Normal is what normal is. Trouble is that normal differs among people - like wearing sunglasses after dark. It ain't normal, but many people do it.

If you want to find out about guys wearing nail polish on their toes I suggest you use your search engine and you'll find quite a number of newspaper articles on the subject.

[Joann0830]

Sorry its long
I always said it’s the fashion industry that sets the pace for us to accept it or not who is Masculine or feminine. A way to show you is this: back in colonial times Men wore white knee stockings , shoes with heels and buckles, silk like clothing and ruffled shirts and Hair in pony tails and powdered wigs and don’t forget the powder and makeup to define the face. Revolutionary times men again wore their hair long and tight legging pants and again the shoes and stockings and Please don’t forget the Masculine Pirates who wore Earrings in both ears OMG!!. In the 50s & 60s woman wore toredaor pants (The beginning of Pants, I believe) and their fathers white shirts with the sleeves rolled up and men wore shiney shark skin suits, Had long hair but greased it up and wore Spiedel Bracelets on one wrist and a watch on the other, 60s o’boy men wore there hair long, earrings and lets not forget the tight hiphugger pants along with the silk shirts and the leather coast with fur collars. Some men even had a fingernail painted some color and not so masculine eyeglass frames. Ourtime, the present Woman wear mens construction boots, boys jeans because they are better made, Boys or mens boxers rolled down, Pant suits and sometimes a tuxedo tapered for the woman (Imagine back in the early times, that was NOT accepted as you would have been labled) The point I am trying to make is we men and woman define what is accepted as Masculine and feminine its not really the clothing it’s the people wearing them and the people that share that. I remember my wife
When she was alive as she was accepting to who I was as I told her that I was like this since I was little 5 or 6 and she understood as she realized it made me a better dad and husband and even better at my job, because I was understanding towards my childrens needs and my wifes need and as far as my job I can say it helped me to not judge anyone but helped me to understand them better as I would want done for myself. After My wife passed in 2001 I am raising my youngest daughter by myself and at one point I sat her down and explained it to her as I did my wife and she said its okay day I can understand
When its something inside you want to talk about and be able to do. I asked her if she had any issues about dressing and she said to me it’s a costume whether it be a Santa Suit (which I did for her and her oldest sister) or a cape and mask for Halloween its under the costume I know that its really my dad. BTW she helps me pick out clothing so that I don’t look bad and she is on top of my hairstyle and makeup which I showed her (17 Years Old going on 25 if You know what I mean) I believe that the wife or S.O. of a Crossdresser should look at the overall picture we are not having an operation, we would not cheat as finding someone to Love and accept us is quite hard and finally we do understand a Womans point of view a lot better then the average male. I am sorry that this is long but in 59 years I have watched and listened to everyone even here on our site, as we just want to be accepted, Loved and we want to share what we know. A famous quote from a Wise Woman who was married for 50 years (My Mom).
“You have to become friends before You Become Lovers” I know I can say as most of the CDM here will say for those accepting wives, Thank You for being supportive, My Best Friend and Lover and I miss My Wife who past on in 2001.
Joann0830 :battingeyelashes::heehee::love:

Hope you can pick things out from this and understand how we were raised
What is Mans and what is womans.

[Joann0830]

Hi again Just wanted to say your Photos are hot and in the last phot I would suggest that you get a cover stick for under the eyes either white or beige color or a great FREE program called Serif 6 Joann0830:battingeyelashes::heehee::love:

:drink:this is for the Hot Number you are LOL

[Jamie001]

http://aolsvc.sports.aol.nascar.com/2008/news/headlines/truck/06/05/sspeed.feature/story_single.html


When I say why carn't men do these things, she says its not "NORMAL"

Normal is what normal is. Trouble is that normal differs among people - like wearing sunglasses after dark. It ain't normal, but many people do it.

If you want to find out about guys wearing nail polish on their toes I suggest you use your search engine and you'll find quite a number of newspaper articles on the subject.

[PennyUK]

Thanks for some really go points.

I love the example of the sunglasses Jamie, its simple but very effective, many thanks for that, next time the wife has a moan I might throw that in ha ha .


Hi Joann, I have suffererd with dark circles ever since I can remember, have you any suggestions how to reduce them, I tried cucumber.

Has anyone any ideas without covering them with makup.

I will try to post another picture, just need to go through them all...........

[DonnaT]

http://suzisbeautyblog.typepad.com/suzisbeautyblog/2008/05/real-men-get-ma.html

http://suzisbeautyblog.typepad.com/suzisbeautyblog/2008/06/toe-be-or-not-t.html

[PennyUK]

Hi Donna,

Thank you for the links intresting reading...........

All our family come over every weekend, we get pretty busy, I wear slippers so no one can see my toe nails, sometimes I push the limits by wearing either a clear semi gloss finger nail polish or very light pink (very light).

I can see the day coming where I will give up caring, and just show thatI I have a softer side.

[carolyn todd]

Hello penny
the answer to that question is a paradoxes
i think it some sort of build in safe guard of a female mind.

carolyn xx

[rian]

I think you are lucky that she knows & she is not refusing the Idea yet ignoring it , my wife is from a classical enviroment that men are men & women are women so no use of convincing her yet , I tried several things such as wearing ladies underwears and I succeded to convince her ...now we share these ...So it is a step by step.....It take time for the whole picture to be shown . Be patient with her and do not hurry wth her decisions ...

[PennyUK]

Hi Carolyn,

I think women in general know they have the best of both worlds in clothes and makeup........and I think they are upset/afraid to let us (men)have equal rights.
I love wear fem clothes, I love wearing makeup...............
Can any GG please explain why this is seen as soooooooooo wrong.


Hi Rian,

I was open and honest from our very first date, and I have taken lot of little steps, but its getting to a point were my wife accepts me for what I am.......I am still a man I just enjoy wear fem clothes, is the world twisted or am I for being the person I am.