Crossdressing and divorce

[katrinacd]

I am fairly new to the forum and this is my first posting/new thread. Currently, I am separated from my wife of eleven years and after recent events, it is obvious that our marriage is irreparably broken. As we start down the path of divorce and I consider custody of my young children, I am very curious about experiences other CDs have had when their crossdressing was brought up as an issue in court and the bearing it had on any custody decisions.

I am still hoping that we can handle this through mediation, but my wife's moods flip-flops from day-to-day, to say the least. In fact, I am debating whether to go for full custody anyway due to her increasingly erratic behavior, which has been witnessed by far too many family and friends. Of course, going this route and heading to court obviously opens up my crossdressing for her to attack. By the way, we live in the not very progressive state of Missouri, so God only knows how well that would go.

As a little more background information, I did a poor job of telling my wife about my CDing before we were married - then again, she's a head-in-the-sand type that didn't ask any questions. Before the kids came along she came to know the full extent of my desires and even started showing signs of support (let me dress as a French Maid for Halloween and complimented my appearance, bought me a formal gown and gave it to me for Christmas, didn't mind if I wore panties). After our first child was born, a complete 180, and she has been nothing but terrible toward me regarding this issue since. Now that we're separated, I dress only on days where I don't have the kids and any female wardrobe I own is kept locked up. As far as I know, they don't seem to know about my girly side, although God knows what she's told them.

Sorry for rambling. It's late and I can't sleep (mostly thinking about the impending divorce and the effect on all of us). Would greatly appreciate any feedback on experiences similar to what I'm going through.

[Classy Camille]

Wow. Your story is much like mine. Divorced after 10 years. I have two kids, joint custody with my ex. We live two miles apart. I'm remarried to a wonderful woman who knew about crossdressing before we got remarried. She didn't like it, but is cautiously supportive now.
Divorce is an individual process - by that, I mean it is a different process for everyone who experiences it. I regret having to go through my divorce, but I am much happier now.
My kids do not know about my crossdressing. By mutual consent, neither one of us will tell our kids. They simply don't need to know. The most important thing for them to know, is that both of their parents love them!!!
My ex-wife was mortified to learn that I liked dressing up. Crossdressing was a large factor in our breakup. However, it did not come up in the divorce. We settled out of court, luckily. I did tell my lawyer, so that there were no surprises to anyone. My lawyer simply shrugged her shoulders and told me that crossdressing had no impact on the judges, or their ruling. I live in Arizona, and despite the conservative majority, this is a good state with open-minded government and courts. Usually.
My advice is to be up front with your legal counsel, and definitely don't neglect your kids. If they find out, at least they will also know that their dad is still their dad and that you love them. But remember: you know your kids better than anyone else. You know what they need, how they feel, etc. Nurture your relationship with them. And for darned sure, do not EVER speak poorly of their mother to them.
Be wise. You have to keep their best interests and stability as your top priority. Crossdressing will either be an issue or it won't. Take care of those things that you can, and try not to worry about your wife's actions.
Hang in there. Walk with God. A man stands tallest when he is on his knees.

[vivianann]

crossdressing does not concern the courts these days, I went through a divorce where the ex told the court that I crossdressed during the custody battle, and the judge, and the guardianadlitem said that crossdressing is not an issue with them, ex was pissed. I would not worry about it, they will ask you if it is true, tell them the truth yes you like to wear womens clothes, they will also ask you if you solicit for sex or other deviant behavior, and if you are not doing those things there is not a problem.

[Melora]

I have never experienced this before..
But..
Always shower your kids with LOVE, And be sure to let her see it,
And At least Try to mend things a little.. :2c:

[Josephine 1941]

Hi Katrin, Yea the courts or the judge do not care. Espeshly since she has bought you cloths. My ex tried the same thing but got no were. As for custody ,go for it she may be on drugs if she is still that young and is upset. I'll bet on she is seeing another, they use every trick they can think of when they are fooling around. Caught mine by when she told me that she got STDfrom me because of my life style. OOPs she for got, I get tested ever 6 months because of the cancer that I had. Got another test still NEG. did not fool around then but do now . Josephine

[deja true]

Katrina, so sorry about your impending divorce...:(

Some evidence here that CDing is not a major issue with the courts, and it might be worth communicating that to your wife (maybe through her lawyer).

The point being that, if her concern is that the kids don't find out, or she's worried about her own reputation, what she says in court re your dressing may become public knowledge anyway!

[Jonianne]

Hi Katrina,
I know what you are going through. I went through the same thing. I very much appreciate my ex for us being able to settle out of court. The only time she brought up the issue was with a policeman and he told her, I'm sorry, but crossdressing is not illegal here in Virginia.
As has been mentioned before, always shower love on your kids, stay involved with them and never, never dis' your wife in front of them. Teach them to respect and love her as their mother and hopefully she will do the same with you. Eventually, both kids came to live with me, to finish their high school.

[sandra-leigh]

The point being that, if her concern is that the kids don't find out, or she's worried about her own reputation, what she says in court re your dressing may become public knowledge anyway!

Evidence given in a normal court becomes part of the Public Record, normally accessible to anyone willing to pay the appropriate fee (which might be fairly small if the jurisdiction has adopted electronic posting of court documents.) Judges have the discretion to "seal" transcripts in some cases; I imagine the rules would vary by jurisdiction, and I do not have enough experience with practical law to have any good idea of when it is or is not done.

If I recall correctly from something I read 15 or more years ago, the proceedings of "Family Court" are routinely sealed (at least in Ontario Canada) for privacy reasons. Some jurisdictions have separate "Divorce Courts"; the same privacy guideline might or might not apply there -- one can see from the Heather Mills / Paul McCartny case, and from several other celebrity scandal cases that divorce proceedings are usually "open records" in a number of jurisdictions.

It appears to be relatively common in Canada for there to be three different routes to divorce: marriage breakdown (after a 1 year separation); abuse (physical or mental); and adultery. Marriage breakdown is, in at least some Canadian jurisdictions, considered a civil matter, and within limits can be heard entirely "in the judges chamber" (where what gets said is not recorded). Divorce for abuse or adultery are, however, considered to require a "trial": to get a divorce on those grounds requires that the grounds be "proven in law", transcripts and witnesses and all. Note: adultery is not, in itself, a criminal offense in Canada, but the legal system for dealing with divorces on the grounds of adultery are hold-overs from previous times when there was no provision for "marriage breakdown" in divorce.

[TGMarla]

I've said it before, and I'll maintain the same opinion: crossdressing is a poor reason for divorce.

[DanaR]

I've said it before, and I'll maintain the same opinion: crossdressing is a poor reason for divorce.

I would have to agree!

[Melanie R]

In 1979 my ex wife because of the crossdressing filed for divorce and requested the court to give her full custody of our two children. My attorney who had won two cases before the US Suprime Court and had no problem with my dressing told me to stay home and he would handle the court procedings. Her attorney and the judge did not know what hit them. In the end the discision of the court was that I was awarded full custody, the ex had to pay all the court costs and had to get my approval before she could see the children. This took place in a court room in a small Texas town of 4,000. This ex two weeks before her unexpected death and three years after I married my wife told me the biggest mistake of her life was filing for divorce.

[Melinda G]

Regardless of the other issues, do not expose your kids to your crossdressing. Keep it private, and always just be "dad" to the kids. They're probably too young to understand it anyway, and telling them would just leave them confused, or worse.

[katrinacd]

I have really appreciated the nice responses from all of you. Nice to know that there are others willing to share their similar experiences and those that can't relate but care enough to post. Pretty cool. I know I will make it through this as long as I keep my composure, don't let her get under my skin and keep the kids safe. Tomorrow I have my first appointment with a lawyer, and I can't wait to find out what she has to say about all of this.

Gerigirl - will definitely drop you a line when I knock out 8 more posts.

[heidi99]

Wow. Your story is much like mine. Divorced after 10 years. I have two kids, joint custody with my ex. We live two miles apart. I'm remarried to a wonderful woman who knew about crossdressing before we got remarried. She didn't like it, but is cautiously supportive now.
Divorce is an individual process - by that, I mean it is a different process for everyone who experiences it. I regret having to go through my divorce, but I am much happier now.
My kids do not know about my crossdressing. By mutual consent, neither one of us will tell our kids. They simply don't need to know. The most important thing for them to know, is that both of their parents love them!!!
My ex-wife was mortified to learn that I liked dressing up. Crossdressing was a large factor in our breakup. However, it did not come up in the divorce. We settled out of court, luckily. I did tell my lawyer, so that there were no surprises to anyone. My lawyer simply shrugged her shoulders and told me that crossdressing had no impact on the judges, or their ruling. I live in Arizona, and despite the conservative majority, this is a good state with open-minded government and courts. Usually.
My advice is to be up front with your legal counsel, and definitely don't neglect your kids. If they find out, at least they will also know that their dad is still their dad and that you love them. But remember: you know your kids better than anyone else. You know what they need, how they feel, etc. Nurture your relationship with them. And for darned sure, do not EVER speak poorly of their mother to them.
Be wise. You have to keep their best interests and stability as your top priority. Crossdressing will either be an issue or it won't. Take care of those things that you can, and try not to worry about your wife's actions.
Hang in there. Walk with God. A man stands tallest when he is on his knees.

Camille, very well put!!

Katrina, try doing things like this and you will be alright. It may not be without a little discomfort, but every word that Camille wrote is sage advice.

When going through my divorce (although there was no custody involved) I was mortified that the ex was going to use it to attack me. Advise your attorney so that there are no surprises, and take her advice (that's what you are paying her for.)

I wish you and your kids well in this trying time.

[CD Susan]

Katrina, I know just how you feel as I have gone through a divorce because of the cd issue. When I told my wife of 15 years she would not accept it. She told me I was sick and perverted and probably gay too and that was the end of the marriage. We stayed together for another agonizing 8 years only for the sake of our son who was 9 years old at the time. After experiencing 8 long years of rejection I filed for divorce. The issue never did come up in court even though she probably told her lawyer. I say this because she told our 9 year old son as well as all of our relatives and friends. This did not matter as no one has ever said anything to me about it except my son when he was 16. He accepted me for who I am and told me he would always love me no matter what kind of clothing I chose to wear. My only reget is that I wish his mother would have been as accepting and understanding as he is. In my case the divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. Your situation is certainly different from mine and I hope that it works out well for you.

[Emily Anderson]

Katrina,

First off, sorry to hear about your predicament.

I would suggest that you try to settle things amicably, because getting lawyers and courts involved only makes things more expensive to both of you, and just makes lawyers even richer. If you do have to go to court, things can swing in many directions depending on how you behave and also how the judge regards crossdressing. There is no "one formula fits all" in this regard.

All I can suggest is that if you do have to go to court, and the CD'ing is exposed, you minimize it to an eccentric hobby and take an aloof stance.

[DeeInGeorgia]

I too am sorry to hear about your impending divorce. What I find amusing in my own situation is that Our marriage is the more secure. Of my childrens friends families, the parents of about 1/2 are somewhere in the process of divorcing. The crazy crossdresser's marriage is the more secure, and yes, my wife does know.

Dee

[Amy Hepker]

Sorry to hear that you will have to go through it as many of us have. I was married to my last wife for 16 years. We had 2 kids. She hooked on Crystal Meth and a cronic lier. Never us Lier in court. I had to get Human services involved and they helped me. I lived in Iowa back then. I did not have a lawyer, I represented myself, and I won. I won custody of both kids and she did tell the courts that I was a crossdresser. They did not care, they wanted a good home for the kids. A drugged up mother who would not even take a drug test was not a good mother. I took all the tests and did everything asked of me from Human Services and the courts. Be very careful and get legal advice. The fact your are a CDer should not matter, just have all your ducks in a row and you should do alright. Contact me if you need more info, but remember I was in Iowa.

[melissacd]

I've said it before, and I'll maintain the same opinion: crossdressing is a poor reason for divorce.

It may be a poor reason for divorce, that I do not disagree with, however, we do not get to choose how our spouses choose to respond to this thing that we do, this person that we are. Once the cat is out of the bag then if they choose to leave us because of this, which in my case was the reason my ex left, then we have to accept it and move on.

[Bev06 GG]

I say this because she told our 9 year old son as well as all of our relatives and friends. This did not matter as no one has ever said anything to me about it except my son when he was 16. He accepted me for who I am and told me he would always love me no matter what kind of clothing I chose to wear. My only reget is that I wish his mother would have been as accepting and understanding as he is. In my case the divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. Your situation is certainly different from mine and I hope that it works out well for you.

Oh Susan that is so sad. You have to ask yourself dont you who the adult is in all of this. Your son has shown great strength of character and maturity beyond his years by making his own decision and not being swayed by his mothers prejudices. I sympathise with your wife in as much as she probably found this really difficult to accept and I am sure the decision she made wasn't an easy one for her. But to tell everyone else is to me the greatest act of betrayal any wife or SO can perform. Its like kicking you when your down and I really dont know how any one can do that to someone that they have professed to love for however many years. Sorry to sound so disapproving but it really does make me so cross. They do it to justify thier actions and in my opinion there can be no justification for attempting to humiliate some one else however wronged you may feel.
Take care
Bev

[carolyn todd]

hello katrina
i think its only right that you inform your lawyer of every thing
that you are a crossdresser be open with them and if the s--t hit the fan
you might lose a friend or two and you might gain a few, but who knows
it might not be brought up in court.

good luck

carolyn xx

[CD Tammy]

Certain southern states don't look very favorably on cross-dressing. They lump it in with deviant behavior and assume that a person is gay. Child custody at that point is a done deal. Will the south ever come out of the dark ages?

[sparks]

This is where my life could still be going. Trying to stay together is tough. I quit dressing for almost a year now but things are still barely holding on or so it seems. Almost all or problems stem from me and my sorted hang-ups. At least you let her know about your Cding before kids. I wasn't so bright.

[Melanie R]

Certain southern states don't look very favorably on cross-dressing. They lump it in with deviant behavior and assume that a person is gay. Child custody at that point is a done deal. Will the south ever come out of the dark ages?

You should read my post in this thread. When I was awarded custody it happened in 1979 in a small town in Texas. The reason I did so well was the attorney that represented me. I believe that most of the south is no different than other areas of the country or other countries especially UK.

[kayfan]

Hi Cat
Was with my wife for over 20 years.As soon as she found out i CD ( had a few to drink one night and let my guard down) i was gone. Guess it mat be different in the UK but if she ever decided to tell the world i would loose my life.
Kids stop most weekends so have the same prob you do with having to be myself
on certain days.....They have no idea and i do everything i can for ex to make sure
she never tells them...
Whatever you decide to do Kat put the kids first...you don't need me to tell you that

[katrinacd]

Thanks again for all of the helpful advice. I met with a lawyer this week and threw out all my cards out on the table. When I described my exact situation and explained the history of my CDing in our marriage, the lawyer more or less called it a non-issue considering the wife knew about it early on and showed support initially, that I keep my children protected from it and that the courts no longer view such things in a negative light (doesn't impact my ability to be a good father).

This lawyer does a lot of collaborative law, a step between mediation and litigation, and has an extensive background in psychology. She asked me a lot of question about my wife's erratic behavior over the years and thinks it's likely that my wife is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (which I have long suspected). She said my wife probably threatens to bring it up it court because she is trying to stop me from going through the divorce and "abandoning" her. It will be interesting and probably nerve-wracking to see how this all goes. If my wife truly has a Borderline Personality, what seems fine one day won't be fine the next.

[Kimberely416]

I am truly amazed at the quality of the advice shared on this forum. It is said that the two most emotional times in married life are death and divorce. I have experienced one of these. While I have experienced one, I can only imagine going through the other. I would suggest that it would be really important to keep ones emotions in check when going through divorce. Focus on the important things, what's best for your children. They are the innocents.

I was struck by what Camille had to say. Now I know why they call you "Classy"!:love:

[kayfan]

is going to be one roller coaster for you Kat.....but we all here for you.....if you want to cry or just need to chat we are the girls to help you x