I know about his CDing... he doesn't know I know

[Sarah_GG]

I 'found' some images of my partner (we've been together for one year) and am now quite confident that he has cross-dressed in the past (and therefore is a cross-dresser). I am open-minded and would like him to share his secret. I've left openings a mile wide but he isn't 'taking the bait'. I don't want to admit that I know... because I shouldn't have looked in the first place. How can I get him to 'open' up to me? I've known for about three weeks now and sort of known for five months so I've had plenty of time to get used to the idea - reading forums and every piece of information available. I'd like to be on this 'journey' with him... perhaps he wants to keep it to himself? Any ideas how I can get him to open up? I've offered him my silk panties to wear ("I'd stretch them") and offered to paint his toenails. I'm left with the feeling that it's me visiting this thing on him rather than me helping to facilitate this part of his personality... which I'm happy to embrace! Thwarted!

[stellatoo]

Hi Maid of Honour,

You're sound like the type of lady every crossdresser hopes to meet:daydreaming:! Welcome to the forum.:love:

It may be that all you can do is keep giving your partner "openings" and let him know through your behaviour how open you are about "alternative" lifestyles.
Everyone on here would encourage restraint, if the shoe was on the other foot and he had told you, and allowing things to develop at their own pace and I think thats what you have to do.

Hope this helps.

Stella

[Coquette]

Two ideas:

1 Just ask him, after a few glasses of wine in front of the fireplace.

2. Make up a little story to tell him about a close girl friend of yours who's SO came out to her as a cross dresser. That should lead to a good discussion of the subject, especially after you share with him how open you would be to it and why. Stress how important is was to your girl friend that her SO was so honest with her and how much she respected her SO for just being himself.

[Karren H]

Well he's one lucky girl!! Or could be.. If he's like most of us here then he's probably a bit embarased about his "hobby" and even given the chance to wear panties or get his toes painted he may not just because he doesn't want to scare you off...

So I'd say just be straight forward and tell him you found the photos and that its ok... And see where that goes... In this case two wrongs ( he hiding his crossdressing and you snooping) could make a right for the both of you, in my humble opinion..

[Bev06 GG]

Hi maid of honour,
It is very difficult for any one to advise if they dont know the person concerned. He sounds very sensitive and obviously isn't ready for you to know yet otherwise he'd have taken the opening and jumped in with both feet.
Have you tried talking to him about CDing, there has been plenty on the TV and in the press lately to give you an opening. Let him know that it really wouldn't faze you having a CD partner and that you really cannot see what all the fuss is about. Point out the advantages but dont be too direct.

There is always the possibility that he really doesn't want to share it and its something that he will always keep to himself. However, I would hazard a guess that after some time hiding it and a few near misses he might change his mind.
You sound very understanding and I am sure he is aware of that. Maybe just a case of giving him time.
Best of luck
Bev

[Sarah_GG]

Thank you for the warm welcome Stella. Yes, you're absolutely right. I guess I have to be patient. It can't be easy... but now we both have a secret and it could potentially cause communication difficulties. We have five late teens between us so maybe it's 'on hold' for a while. although we're no spring chikens - in our forties and fifties!

Thank you for your encouragement!

Oh... thanks all for the great replies. This is what I need - plenty of background info in order to do the right thing. Sensitivity is key, and I guess I should go at his pace. All responses gratefully received. And yes, I feel bad about the snooping... horrible.

[Bev06 GG]

Well I wouldnt do hon, we have all done it. Its human nature.
Take care
Bev

[Shelly Preston]

Sometimes subtle hints dont work

you need to get a discussion going about this maybe something about a film
where you can make positive comments

This wolud let your bf know how open and accepting you are
you never know maybe he will read this thread

[Claire3]

Maybe a candlite evening 2gether,you are the partner of many of our dreams.Its about being honest with feelings,sensitivity and hope with alot of trust

[KimberlyS]

.... I guess I should go at his pace. ..... I feel bad about the snooping.

Yes I agree about going at a pace both of you can handle. As for snooping I can understand a bit of that with both of you on second marriages. But there is snooping and SNOOPING if you get my drift.


...I guess I have to be patient. It can't be easy... but now we both have a secret and it could potentially cause communication difficulties. We have five late teens between us so maybe it's 'on hold' for a while.

While it may be a touchy subject and caution may be needed especially with teens in the home, I am all for open communication to keep a relationship healthy. You may just want to state that you came across something and bring up the topic and the fact that you have already done some research and do not find CDing to be a relationship road block.

Good luck with how ever it works out.

kim

[TommiTN]

with Coquette, Karen and Shelly. Get it out in the open. I can just imagine how torn he is between wanting to tell you and fear that you'll hold it over him. Sit him down, take his hand, look him in the eye and tell him you know and that you're perfectly OK with it. A good marriage is based on trust and openess. A side benefit just might be a really good session of slap and tickle afterward.:o

[Joanne f]

Just because you might think that he is shy don`t think that he is stupid, men do realise how cunning a female can be when they what to .
He might already think that you are on to him and your little innuendos are a way of trapping him in which case he will not respond to them , so that will leave you with two choice`s
just sit back and wait to see if he wants to say anything
or
just come straight out and ask if he is a cross dresser.



joanne

[Bonnie D]

Hi Maid of Honour, (You must be Canadian or UK)

Welcome!

What is it that made you suspect in the first place? You can bring up your suspicions with him on some quiet evening and tell him that if he is you are okay with it and the two of you could have fun with it. I am sure it would be a relief for him not to have to keep this secret from you. It would also be a relief for you, now that you know, that he is willing to share this secret with you. If he doesn't admit it then give him some time to think about it. You may eventually have to come out and tell him that you know and how you know. How long can you last otherwise?

Bonnie

[Tomara]

Hi , I have to agree with all of the above , and would like to add that maybe he isn`t really comfortable with himself and crossdressing and is afraid to open up to you or anyone else for that matter . For me until I admitted to myself I was a crossdresser I thought that no one would understand and everyone would run away from me screaming . I guess if you can try to go slow and keep giving him the opportunity to open up to you . I hope that all of the replies you recieve help in some way . :hugs: Tomara PS . you dont have a twin sister do you ? :heehee:

[Holly]

You sound like an honorable woman (it's in your name:D), so maybe it is time to do the honorable thing and tell him you know. Some suggestions...


Select a time when the two of you can spend some quality time without interruptions. If that means sending all the kids of to sleepovers at friends or relatives, then make that arrangement.
Set the mood. Let your partner know that your love is unconditional. Let him/her know that you value the whole person s/he is. Let her/him know that you desire to encourage and inspire them to be complete, happy and at peace.
If you have fears or concerns or questions, talk about them. This is new to you and it would be abnormal if you did not.
Be as prepared to forgive her/his indiscretion in not telling you as as you would expect her/his forgiveness in snooping and, in reality, not showing trust in them.
Be willing to accept that your partners desire to dress may be something that they consider a private and personal issue, one that they do not wish to share, at least at this point of their self development. If that is the case, respect that.
Offer to assist but don't push yourself into the situation. Pick up your cues from your partner and be willing to go at their pace. Acceptance by our loved ones is a relatively infrequent phenomenon for those of us in the trans-gender community and it sometimes takes us some time to adjust to it as well. Please be patient.
I wish you both well and I hope you partner, if they have not already joined our forum, would consider becoming a part of our family here as well.

[CharleneT]

I would seriously consider Coquette's #2 -- or maybe rent a good movie with CD's and bring it up that way. Might give you a chance to make your willingness to accept it out more obviously, without talking about him.

C.

[Nicole Erin]

Some CDs simply do not want to share this. They are worried about later reactions of even someone who is accepting.

[kathrynt21]

Well, I agree that most of us (if not ALL of us!) want exactly what you are offering. A sympathetic ear and even more, someone with whom to share the hobby/fascination.
However, I know from personal experience that it is very hard to admit to something that is so unaccepted by our society.
Two years ago, I came out to my wife after 25 years. She had all of the usual reactions.
"Are you gay?"
"Do you want to be a woman?"
But after several talks and the passing of the 2 years, she is more and more accepting and it is thrilling for me to have someone close to me interested in it.
yesterday we even looked at shoes for me!! Might seem small, but it is a GIANT step for us. And something that 2 years ago, I could never have imagined.
My advice is to take it slow. Let her know that you are fine with it in any way that YOU are comfortable. And I think that can range from playful ("Let's play dress-up!")
to serious ("Is there anything you want to tell me? Because you CAN tell me anything").
Be aware that the great fear, at least on my part, was that I would lose the person most important to me.
Also, if it is a private thing for her, it might be comforting for her to know that that's OK as well.
You knows?! You may have found the one girl who wants to to keep it a secret!!
At any rate, best of luck to you. You are courageous and accepting and obviously feel a great deal of affection for your new girlfriend!
She is lucky!! And in time she will realize that, no matter what direction she decides to take it!

[AmandaM]

Oh, I think you could coax him into your panties if you wanted to. He may be resisting cause he's scared.

[suzy cool]

If you've given a hint or two and he hasn't gone for it he is either scared or doesn't want to share it. The whole thing is often a very secret and shameful pastime so if he isn't ready your approaches could be rather frightening. He'll be wondering what you actually do know aswell.

[sterling12]

OK, you could try this one. Leave a very nice pastel envelope with his name on it laying on top of your things, in your drawer. Write him a simple letter that says: "I understand, and I love you." "I would like to talk to you about your other self, when you feel comfortable enough to do that; I will be here for you."

Then, sit back and give him time. Bet you get that discussion before too much time passes by.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[AnnMorgan]

How about this, let him know you know then offer suggestions on how to improve his appearance or that he looks good in one color but should avoid another. Offer to take him shopping.

Do you have a sister? (shameless I know but your VERY rare!)

[Brina Halloween]

How about this, let him know you know then offer suggestions on how to improve his appearance or that he looks good in one color but should avoid another. Offer to take him shopping.

Do you have a sister? (shameless I know but your VERY rare!)

I agree. 2 sisters? :battingeyelashes::):o

[Amy Hepker]

Just be open and honest. Tell him you know and for him not to be embarrassed and that you will not tell anyone. Get his trust and let him decide.

[Bev06 GG]

That some CDs have a hard time accepting who they are and what they like themselves. I feel if he is pushed too much he mightnt like it. I'd be for treading carefully myself and I think the advice that Holly and a few others have given is very wise .
I think its really great that your as accepting as you are, but CDing is a very personal and private affair and I would imagine that some CDs would have as much trouble sharing and divulging all, as some GGs have in accepting their partners lifestyle. After all once its out there is no going back.
Hey girls I know alot of you are quite envious of this CD but maybe he just aint ready to spill the beans yet. Alot of guys definitely see it as a threat to their masculinity if they let their guard down and bare their soul and it does leave them rather vulnerable.
I can also appreciate that you must feel very excluded which must be very difficult because you obviously adore this guy, but I wouldn't despair, I am sure things will all work out for the best in the end. Just keep praying for the right opportunity and keep showing him how much you adore him. Once he feels more secure with who he is I am sure he will share this part of his life with you.
Take care
Bev

[SAMANTHA_IN_MT]

Let me put my 2 cents worth in here, My wife gf at the time found some pic's of me on my computer. She is a pretty up front girl and flat out confronted me about them. Asked all the normal questions, are you gay?, do you want a sex change?, how long have you been dressing? etc. well after about an hour of a very embarassing conversation on my part she accepted it. The point im trying to make is this is a very embarassing thing to talk with a spouse or friend about. This is the most private thing a person does and its hard to open up and share it with somebody, in some ways it is a kinda of stripping down and showing that you arent that macho man you may have married and its very hard to admit that. look at the carears post on this forum you will see a good majority of us have very macho carears. I am an EMT for example also was a firefighter for a few years. A lot of us try to over masculate to compensate for our fem feelings. Something that may help him is getting him some info off the web or leave a book out like "My husband wears my clothes" it may help him come to tearms with the confusing feelings that he is having. Reassureing him that a lot more men than he may think crossdress and being labeled a crossdresser is a badge of honor not a demeaning label. It shows the world that we are in touch with our masculanity and feminaty that is the only complete person in truth. Sorry for rambling and I hope to chat with you some more feel free to e mail me and I would be happy to pass it on to my wife if you so desire.

[Bev06 GG]

. The point im trying to make is this is a very embarassing thing to talk with a spouse or friend about. This is the most private thing a person does and its hard to open up and share it with somebody, in some ways it is a kinda of stripping down and showing that you arent that macho man you may have married and its very hard to admit that. .

Exactly. My hope for him would be that he would do in time because I dont think its healthy to keep these things a secret and bottle them up inside of you. But very well said Samantha
Bev

[TGMarla]

Where subtlety doesn't work, sometimes blunt objects do.

Reinforce the love and commitment you feel. Be disarming and sure. Place him (her) at ease.

Then just bluntly tell your SO that you know, and that you want to be a part of it. These are the words that many of us long to hear.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

Tell him bluntly that you know he is a crossdresser, that you love him and accept him. Then wait for him to talk to you. Using myself as an example, I am very thick headed at times and don't big up on huge hints at times.

Kimberly votes for the bluntness approach. :battingeyelashes:

[DemonicDaughter]

For a while I had my suspicions, having been with a cder before, but also knew that if I was wrong and just blurted it out... oh the mess that would have been...

But then, the day or so before Valentine's day, I had a conversation with a few friends. My days in the theater were mentioned and someone asked about a friend that crossdresses. Unfortunately, this started this big huge argument about it and I was so infuriated I must have been purple!

Valentine's day: I'm sitting with Kayla (not knowing Kayla existed yet) and began to relay the whole conversation. As I talked I realized she had no adverse reaction, didn't say it was "gay", "gross".... really she didn't say much of anything. So suddenly I figured, what the hell. I asked her if she ever dressed before. She kind of didn't answer. I asked if she'd be upset if someone dressed her as a female. She said no, I said, "great, let's go into the bathroom!" In a short amount of time, Kayla (makeup done and in some of my clothes) sat before me and finally admitted she was a cder. :D

I've been madly in love ever since. Talk about a hell of a Valentine's gift. I now consider that Kayla's birthday as well.

:love:

[Jacqui]

Since you've only known him for a year, there must be some things that he doesn't know about you.

Wait for the proper cue and tell him about the first great love of your life who happened to be a cd. You loved the feminine side of him as much as his masculine self.

The reason you broke up was that he wouldn't dress often enough and seemed to withhold the feminine side of his personality which you truly adored. You still think of him to this day!

Maybe that'll give him an opening...


Jacqui


p.s. Kayla, you are some lucky dudette!

[Jilmac]

First of all because this is only your second post, I'd like to welcome you to the forum. You'll find the "sisters" here to be friendly and helpful.

My advice would be to 'fess up and tell your partner what you found. Tell him how much you love him and that you would very much like to be a part of his journey. Offer to take him on a fabulous shopping spree, help him with makeup and accessorizing, and offer him your unconditional support. Be direct, some people (including myself) can't recognize a subtle hint if it bites them on the butt. Good luck and keep up posted on yours and his progress.

Luv and :hugs: Jill

[Randy]

I side with Karen Hutton. Tell him what you found and stress that this is OK with you. Encourage him to share what he'd want to share and take it from there. He may be a little scared about letting you in on this because of past experience or just plain fear (probably been afraid of being found out for longer than you realize).

Good luck - really.

[Beth-Lock]

Ask your partner if they have ever dessed up as a girl on Halloween, after getting around to tht topic with some loosely related chatter. That might be one way of subtly introducing it, but be more than a hint of an opening.

[racquel]

Where subtlety doesn't work, sometimes blunt objects do.

Reinforce the love and commitment you feel. Be disarming and sure. Place him (her) at ease.

Then just bluntly tell your SO that you know, and that you want to be a part of it. These are the words that many of us long to hear.

This sound like it would work,no room for mis-understanding's.:love:

[Kimberly Marie]

Well here is a thought ....could the teens have anything to do with that? Maybe he doesn't want them to ever find out. And affraid if you know they some how might find out. Just a thought.

[Pamela Julie]

I suspect he got your hints and brushed them off, hoping they would go away. He may not accept his crossdressing or possibly being transsexual himself, and is afraid it may mess up your relationship. Many are strong on the outside in their male persona, but fragile inside about their femme side. You don't want to do anything to hurt your relationship or him. When he can accept his femme side, then he will be ready to confide in you. Just continue to show your caring, loving, and open minded self.

Pamela:)

[AmandaM]

OMG, do you have a sister! Seriously, this is probably a good way for our beloved poster to approach her man.


For a while I had my suspicions, having been with a cder before, but also knew that if I was wrong and just blurted it out... oh the mess that would have been...

But then, the day or so before Valentine's day, I had a conversation with a few friends. My days in the theater were mentioned and someone asked about a friend that crossdresses. Unfortunately, this started this big huge argument about it and I was so infuriated I must have been purple!

Valentine's day: I'm sitting with Kayla (not knowing Kayla existed yet) and began to relay the whole conversation. As I talked I realized she had no adverse reaction, didn't say it was "gay", "gross".... really she didn't say much of anything. So suddenly I figured, what the hell. I asked her if she ever dressed before. She kind of didn't answer. I asked if she'd be upset if someone dressed her as a female. She said no, I said, "great, let's go into the bathroom!" In a short amount of time, Kayla (makeup done and in some of my clothes) sat before me and finally admitted she was a cder. :D

I've been madly in love ever since. Talk about a hell of a Valentine's gift. I now consider that Kayla's birthday as well.

:love:

[Sarah_GG]

Thank you all for your advice. And I'm afraid I don't have a sister, twin or otherwise! I am going to have to learn to be patient and take it as it comes - little by little I suspect. I have thought about films (to open the dialogue) but can only think of 'Priscilla...' which we watched very recently (but before I found out for sure). Are there any other titles you could recommend? I can understand his reluctance to share and he has hinted that there's something but "not yet". In the meantime, I will just concentrate on other things in my life and try not to let this 'secret' become the overwhelming part of it, which it's in danger of becoming! Thank you all - I'm sure I'll be back!

[Angie G]

Tell him you have a strong feeling he liks to dress and you like the idea maybe he'll open up then hun. :hugs:
Angie

[immike]

I 'found' some images of my partner (we've been together for one year) and am now quite confident that he has cross-dressed in the past (and therefore is a cross-dresser). I am open-minded and would like him to share his secret. I've left openings a mile wide but he isn't 'taking the bait'. I don't want to admit that I know... because I shouldn't have looked in the first place. How can I get him to 'open' up to me? I've known for about three weeks now and sort of known for five months so I've had plenty of time to get used to the idea - reading forums and every piece of information available. I'd like to be on this 'journey' with him... perhaps he wants to keep it to himself? Any ideas how I can get him to open up? I've offered him my silk panties to wear ("I'd stretch them") and offered to paint his toenails. I'm left with the feeling that it's me visiting this thing on him rather than me helping to facilitate this part of his personality... which I'm happy to embrace! Thwarted!
Maid of Honor-I am a closet CD,absolute secrecy? I am guilty of wearing my mothers clothes&I'd be PETRIFIED if she found out.I love to wear all of her good outfis,especially
her mini skirts&tops&all her business suits.I really love taking fresh pkgs of pantyhose out
of her drawer&wearing them with heels

[Sharon B.]

Instead of offering him(her) your panties to wear, take charge and make him(her) wear them.
Once you get her into your panties take if farther and make her go all the way as far as dressing goes and see where it goes.
Just my two cents worth.

[CowGurl Rachel]

I have thought about films (to open the dialogue) but can only think of 'Priscilla...' which we watched very recently (but before I found out for sure). Are there any other titles you could recommend?

See if you can find "To Wong Foo, thanks for everything Julie Newmar". It was released in 1995 and stars Patrick Swayze and Wesley Snipes of all people. It's about Drag Queens that get stranded in a small and very conservative town while on a road trip. It is great fun to watch and might actually get him/her to realize that CDing is OK! :2c:

:love::hugs:

Rachel

[AmandaM]

Well, you could tell him you like it and it turns you on. OR you could just toss him a pair and tell him, "oh, go ahead, no one cares".

[Carly D.]

I have a thought.. maybe he has given up on cross dressing for you.. thinking now he has what he really wants, does he want to risk screwing up the relationship by introducing another person into it, although it is him.. also the pictures of him dressed up, are they real or photo shopped?? someone might have made pictures for him to give an idea what he would look like dressed up.. kind of a reach I know but still.. and finally have you found any clothes around the house that aren't yours.. if he really is a crossdresser or has these tendencies a way to get him to snap into that mode would possibly be a dare.. Halloween is a good time to get just about any guy to dress as fem.. I'd love to be dared to cross dress and go out to a party...

[Sarah_GG]

The Halloween thing doesn't work too well in the UK! The nearest I could get is tickets for the next Rocky Horror Show! The images are definitely him, not photo-shopped and taken about ten years ago (detective work on the surroundings). He could've decided to put it behind him until the teens have all left home. It could be the reason his last relationship failed. He could be waiting until he can really trust me... although we're living together as one big happy family so it's a bit late for that! There is no evidence (whatsoever) of anything being hidden around the home and I haven't (won't) looked at his computer. We're going on holiday soon so the opportunity may present itself then... and I could always read a book (fiction) any recommendations for good literature on the subject?

Thanks all!

[TommiTN]

is on YouTube. I watched the entire movie in segments a couple of weeks ago. It's mostly a bit of fluff but does show CDers in a positive way.

[KandisTX]

is on YouTube. I watched the entire movie in segments a couple of weeks ago. It's mostly a bit of fluff but does show CDers in a positive way.

Sorry, I must disagree with you but that movie is NOT about crossdressers, it is about three drag queens who get "stuck" in the middle of Nebraska and have to cope with it. The three of them NEVER identify themselves in the movie as crossdressers, and they portray themselves as somewhat flamboyant drag queens in their outfits and the hairstyles etc. Please do NOT use this movie to bring out someone who you feel is closeted as a CD, it may do worse damage than you are ready to deal with.

While it does portray the Drag Queen aspect in a somewhat positive light, please remember that we (CD's) are NOT drag queens.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[sterling12]

The absolute best film is called: "Just Like a Woman." It's a British Film, but I think the Male CD is a "Yank."

Anyway, it's lighthearted, actually portrays a CD and other CD's, treats the subject with compassion, has a love story as a subplot, and it's pretty entertaining. No TS Gurls, no Drag Queens, it's about CD's. It may be exactly what you need!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Bonnie D]

“My Husband Betty: Love, Sex and Life with a Crossdresser” by Helen Boyd

“My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing from the Perspective of a Wife” by Peggy Ed. D Rudd

[brit_cd]

I would probably do the same if my wife asked me to put on her pantys out of fear. I would luv to but i would be too scared.
If she started dressing my i would not fight it. & if she said she really liked the way i looked in her clothes i would luv it.
Maybe you can talk him into dressing for halloween. He will get to dress & nobody would know he is a cd. Then you could tell him how much you liked it & if he would do it more for you.
I know i would like to tell my wife but am too scared she would not understand. I dont want to risk loosing her over it. If i knew she would understand & maybe even like it then i might tell her or leave hints.

Good luck & keep us posted!!

The movie idea would be a good opener also!!

[stellatoo]

The absolute best film is called: "Just Like a Woman." It's a British Film, but I think the Male CD is a "Yank."

Have to agree, this film is good-Julie Walters is in it if I remember right-and it's very true to life; although the ending is different to the book. But that's the business we call show I suppose:brolleyes:

If you're in the UK you could alwways wait until "Kinky Boots" makes it to Broadway:D

Best of luck with everything


Stella

[heidi99]

Hi, Maid.

You sound like a great gal. I'll share with you my thoughts about similarities in my own situation.

A former girlfriend (with whom I'm still friends) found a cache of my things in my house, and asked me whose they were. I remember not being able to answer. While I knew that the CD'ing side of me existed, I had not yet embraced it, so I couldn't really open up and share it with another.

That saying about it not being about the destination, but rather the journey speaks volumes about the human condition.

It wasn't until a later date (after I had gone through the looking glass and accepted that this is a part of who I am) that I was able to finally tell her that I crossdress. Her reply (like several of my other friends) was, "I know."

Bottom line is that (don't take this as a slam, as it is truly not meant to be!) a year is still in the "get to know you" phase. I don't know if I agree with getting it out in the open (or forcing that to happen.) We go through life (not just crossdressers, but everyone) looking for acceptance. If he feels that you are there and will continue to be there, he may be more comfortable looking at who he is, coming to terms with it, and opening up more.

I wish you both all the best!!!

[DonnaT]

A word of caution. I remember another couple where the CDing BF was afraid to come out. The GF's efforts to get him to open up resulted in him breaking it off.

[Lara Smith]

You sound like an honorable woman (it's in your name:D), so maybe it is time to do the honorable thing and tell him you know. Some suggestions...


Select a time when the two of you can spend some quality time without interruptions. If that means sending all the kids of to sleepovers at friends or relatives, then make that arrangement.
Set the mood. Let your partner know that your love is unconditional. Let him/her know that you value the whole person s/he is. Let her/him know that you desire to encourage and inspire them to be complete, happy and at peace.
If you have fears or concerns or questions, talk about them. This is new to you and it would be abnormal if you did not.
Be as prepared to forgive her/his indiscretion in not telling you as as you would expect her/his forgiveness in snooping and, in reality, not showing trust in them.
Be willing to accept that your partners desire to dress may be something that they consider a private and personal issue, one that they do not wish to share, at least at this point of their self development. If that is the case, respect that.
Offer to assist but don't push yourself into the situation. Pick up your cues from your partner and be willing to go at their pace. Acceptance by our loved ones is a relatively infrequent phenomenon for those of us in the trans-gender community and it sometimes takes us some time to adjust to it as well. Please be patient.
I wish you both well and I hope you partner, if they have not already joined our forum, would consider becoming a part of our family here as well.

This is very good advice. This is a tough one all the way around. I began weaning girl’s things when I was very, very young. It wasn't until I had been married for several years, and actually mail ordered everything I needed to dress beyond slips, bras, and panties, that I came to grips with the fact that, not only was I a CD, but I liked being a CD and wanted to continue. It was so very difficult to admit this to myself and come to terms with it, even after I knew there was no denying it.

I have done some very scary things in my life, but nothing was more filled with fear, I mean absolute fear, than telling my spouse about myself. No matter how much I knew she loved me, I could only envision her leaving me in disgust and telling everyone she knew what a sick person I was and why.

Your SO may be facing the same fears. He may want to tell you in the worst way, but the more he loves and values you, the more difficult it may be for him. As for exposure, remember the worst (in our sick society) insult that can be heaped on a man, is to be equated with a woman, i.e., pantywaist, sissy, etc... This is all running through his mind, trust me. He just needs to know that the next time you offer him your panties to wear, that you aren't gong to burn him for it. And he needs to know it beyond a shadow of a doubt!

Sorry to be long winded, and I hope this helps you understand what he may be going through.

Lara

[LovelyRita]

You could reverse the way I came out to my wife. We started to have a fantasy nite, to try new things and about the third time I suggested role reversal. She was in to it and that nite she actually enjoy 3 hours of making me up (bathing, her shaving me from the neck down, and make-up) and we had very intimate conversions in which I admitted to having always been drawn to it. Now, she doesnt want me to go out, but when we are in a store, she and I will pick me out an outfit.

[renee k]

Thank you all for your advice. And I'm afraid I don't have a sister, twin or otherwise! I am going to have to learn to be patient and take it as it comes - little by little I suspect. I have thought about films (to open the dialogue) but can only think of 'Priscilla...' which we watched very recently (but before I found out for sure). Are there any other titles you could recommend? I can understand his reluctance to share and he has hinted that there's something but "not yet". In the meantime, I will just concentrate on other things in my life and try not to let this 'secret' become the overwhelming part of it, which it's in danger of becoming! Thank you all - I'm sure I'll be back!

Hi maid of honor,

I've got a couple of recommendations for you, as far as movies go. First, " just Like A Woman" It was made in the UK in the nineties I found my copy on Ebay. And it's available on DVD. I'm sure it's still out there. Second, "Some Like it Hot", a classic comedy from the fifties. It's still out there in DVD. Both are good and would help you pave the way to your SO opening up. Hope these suggestions help.

Huggs, Renee

[Jonianne]

Hi Maid of Honour,

What a crossdressers dream come true you are! If it does turn out that he is a CD and does start to open up to you, remember to share with him your boundries with the crossdressing as well as your openess.

That was a mistake I had with my first wife. I thought, WOW, someone who is OK with me, I get to do what was pent up in me all my life. Well, we had not discussed any boundries, so it wasn't long, I was wanting to do more than she was comfortable with. Needless to say it didn't end well for us.

With my wife now, we had long discussions concerning what was OK and not with her before we got married. Boundries will, of course, change over time, but they give both of us a safe area to play in.

[donnasweetheart]

I too figured it out on my own, I tried to get him to tell me on his own but he wouldn't, so one night I just told him, "honey I already know your a cross dresser". It was the best thing that happened to the two of us. With it out in the open it took our relationship to a whole new level. Honesty is the best policy. No more sneaking and hiding. It lifted a burden off both of us and besides that we both enjoy Donna now. She has became a big part of my life and wouldn't know what to do without her.

[MJ]

The point I'm trying to make is this is a very embarrassing thing to talk with a spouse or friend about. This is the most private thing a person does and its hard to open up and share it with somebody, in some ways it is a kinda of stripping down and showing that you aren't that macho man you may have married and its very hard to admit .


Exactly. My hope for him would be that he would do in time because I don't think its healthy to keep these things a secret and bottle them up inside of you. But very well said Samantha
Bev

both Samantha and Bev are right i would prefer to have a sex change without anesthetic than the woman i love find out my little secret ...well she did find out..


For a while I had my suspicions, having been with a cder before, but also knew that if I was wrong and just blurted it out... oh the mess that would have been...

But then, the day or so before Valentine's day, I had a conversation with a few friends. My days in the theater were mentioned and someone asked about a friend that crossdresses. Unfortunately, this started this big huge argument about it and I was so infuriated I must have been purple!

Valentine's day: I'm sitting with Kayla (not knowing Kayla existed yet) and began to relay the whole conversation. As I talked I realized she had no adverse reaction, didn't say it was "gay", "gross".... really she didn't say much of anything. So suddenly I figured, what the hell. I asked her if she ever dressed before. She kind of didn't answer. I asked if she'd be upset if someone dressed her as a female. She said no, I said, "great, let's go into the bathroom!" In a short amount of time, Kayla (makeup done and in some of my clothes) sat before me and finally admitted she was a cder. :D

I've been madly in love ever since. Talk about a hell of a Valentine's gift. I now consider that Kayla's birthday as well.

:love:

aww thats so lovely Ty for sharing

[Kerrie Sifton]

Maid, thank you for getting the conversation going, this is happening to me right now, my wife of 27 years found one of my blouses and then some of my stockings and was suprised. The encounter came to a halt as I was tongue tied, and said the blouse was for her... she thought that odd, and I should have just come out then. If I was pressed on "are you a cd" without the right openings, I would probably back away, partly fear and partly embarassment for not having brought it up earlier.
Today I am coming to the point of open discussion, and determining just what I like (or love) about being more feminine.
Will it turn out well? She has given some indication that she might accept it, but I too am moving cautiously.

All the best.
Kerrie

[Sarah_GG]

I think the problem is that with something like this that's been kept a secret for so long it's second nature to deny anything and not react to any dropped hints.

Reading through this forum I realise what CDers risk when they let the genie out of the bottle... but how can something so important and such a fundamental part of oneself be denied? And there never is a 'right' time to tell someone... a dropped hint that's seized upon could mean the start of weeks of upheaval, tears, rows, accusations and misunderstanding - just before a holiday/a family wedding/a death/interview/in-laws arriving etc...

I'm not surprised that it's so difficult to 'out' oneself. I'm glad I asked the question because I might've gone at it like a bull in a china shop and asked straight out. As it is, I've decided to go little by little and let him know that I'm comfortable with things by suggesting them and gently persuading him that it's ok. Hopefully that will generate some discussion and trust.

After all, I already know. And I'm still here... what's to be gained by me asking the question! I guess it's up to me now to allow him the space and privacy to take that to the next level. I do understand how SOs feel like they've been let down and lied to... but I really don't think (from extensive reading on this forum) that many CDers have a choice - it's another of those damned if you do and damned if you don't scenarios. There are a lot of issues thrown up by telling... far easier to keep quiet - so hats off to all those who have told their SOs - that sort of courage and honesty is to be applauded.

It's been a steep learning curve and thank you all, again, for all your suggestions, tips and encouragement. I'll keep you posted when we get back from our vacation in three weeks!

[LeahCD2002]

Well M of H,

You are no doubt a great supporter of your SO and it is so nice to see your open-mindedness.

Being a CD who is totally in the closet, and enjoys this secret part of my life, I would be sure not to pressure her and put her 'on the spot'. The secrecy of this hobby is often the appealing piece for many CDs.

Also, When I dress it must be a certain way and I would not be ready to allow someone to paint my nails and so on...I would find it rather embarassing. The true way for me to come out would be to give me ample time to get dressed to the nines and then make my entrance! Partial dressing is often not embraced by CDs.

So, why not let her know subtly that you are aware and then allow her the time and opportunity to make her debut.

That is what I would want.

Hope this helps girlie.

Leah :doll:

[cdpam02]

Hello Sarah:

Here's an idea you may consider. See if you can find out what his femme screename is. Communicate with him there. At the right time, reveal yourself as the woman he now loves but is afraid to reveal herself to. There are risks involved and I can't say it worked in my case, but I can understand your significant other's reluctance to reveal herself.

I'd be curious of others' opinions on this suggestion.

Good luck. :)

[Tracii G]

Having an SO that knows and accepts your CDing is priceless.

[Bridged]

I think that you are on the right track coming hear for advice. I found evidence of my husbands cding years ago. I reacted very badly. The result was that it took a good five years for me to finally get him to speak to me about it. Now, we are finally working things out but it is taking alot of time and patience from me. I get angry with myself about the damage I have caused by being ignorant. You, are ahead of the game, and good for you! My advice is to try approaching it very openly, without any pretense that you want him to admitsomething, just that you are aware of this, and you are accepting and there for him. I am dealing with this right now and I feel for you, but what I have learned from a lot of very insightful people on this forum is that he will come around only when feeling safest with you. My last piece of advice would be to remember that although this is difficult for you, it is him that probably feels quite a bit more scared and maybe even embarrassed. He may not be accepting of this side of himself yet, therefore finds it infinitely more difficult to talk to you about it. Time.... that's what everyone keeps telling me and it seems to be helping. Good luck


Hello Sarah:

Here's an idea you may consider. See if you can find out what his femme screename is. Communicate with him there. At the right time, reveal yourself as the woman he now loves but is afraid to reveal herself to. There are risks involved and I can't say it worked in my case, but I can understand your significant other's reluctance to reveal herself.

I'd be curious of others' opinions on this suggestion.

Good luck. :)
I suggested this approach to my reluctant husband. I told him that I was feeling like I was the only one "dealing" with this, while he remained silent. I thought he would feel more open talking in a less face to face environment. He could become "her" without me seeing(I haven't met "her" yet). I'm waiting to get her first email! I'll have to let you know how it works out.

[Joni T]

Hey,
You know Halloween is just around the corner. How about suggesting that the two of you go out on Halloween night to dinner or? and just tell him it would be fun to have a "Gurlz Nite Out" with your best GF. What have you got to lose?
Joni

[Andrea's Lynne]

Sarah

Just wanted you to know you (and your SO) are in my thoughts and prayers.

With my lovely wife, she took it slow and is now accepting of this part of me that I wasn't sure I could share with anyone. She's a doll and I'm blessed to have her in my life.

And it sounds like your man is in the same situation. Best wishes!!!

[Christinedreamer]

I don't think a blunt approach is necessarily best. He is already nervous about this and an abrupt comment of "I found some pics of you in drag......: may immediately put him on the defensive and denial path.

The halloween subject line is an oldy but a goody. The husband of the dressmaker who created the white dress in my avatar was dressed as a french maid on that Halloween night. His wife thought he was just going along with the fun of MY dressing but I felt he was hiding the truth. As I found out later, after we parted that night she found herself getting kind of turned on by his outfit and the change in his demeanor.

Long story short- they conceived their first son that night while he was en femme.

That happens sometimes, but more often there is always a deep fear on the part of the CD. I would suggest a movie more like "Just Like a Woman". The story is true and the depth of the emotional needs for both the CD and the future GG love interest are explored in a way that makes conversation after the movie easier.

Remember that male egos are very fragile and you have to tread gently to allow the femme side of you SO to come out and feel safe doing so.

just my :2c:.

Christine

[Sarah_GG]

Sorry, I didn't provide an update and this thread has come back to the top again! But, yes, it's all out in the open now and has been for the last month. The two of us couldn't be happier. Thank you all for your advice. I had to hear it straight from the horse's mouth, but I think it was certainly made easier for him that I knew in advance. He knows how I know and we've been able to be totally honest and open with each other. It's all been fantastic.

[cindycd]

I 'found' some images of my partner (we've been together for one year) and am now quite confident that he has cross-dressed in the past (and therefore is a cross-dresser). I am open-minded and would like him to share his secret. I've left openings a mile wide but he isn't 'taking the bait'. I don't want to admit that I know... because I shouldn't have looked in the first place. How can I get him to 'open' up to me? I've known for about three weeks now and sort of known for five months so I've had plenty of time to get used to the idea - reading forums and every piece of information available. I'd like to be on this 'journey' with him... perhaps he wants to keep it to himself? Any ideas how I can get him to open up? I've offered him my silk panties to wear ("I'd stretch them") and offered to paint his toenails. I'm left with the feeling that it's me visiting this thing on him rather than me helping to facilitate this part of his personality... which I'm happy to embrace! Thwarted!
I was the same way and never opened up to my old GF and have regreted it ever since. Don't scare him but just tell him it's o.k. and you will love him just the same. Most of us have some sort of gilt complex that was used on us when we were young and do not know how to get past that. Just go ahead and try some thing's on him around halloween when he think's it will be o.k and everybody will think it is funny. Just be sure when you get him home and alone to tell him that this turn's you on and I bet you will see or find out if your wondering's were right.

[Sarah's lover]

it has turned out well for you!

There's a nice make over place I know of in Scotland if you're wanting a break away at any point.

[Empress Lainie]

Sarah GG I am happy for both of you. May you have a long life of going out as two ladies from time to time.

[Charlene Ogden]

I once dated a girl who read me like a book. I don't know how she did it but on our third date she just came out and told me, "I don't mind if you dress like a girl". I would have admitted it right there if only she didn't know my other friends who she might have told.
Don't be afraid to just come and say it. Make sure to say that you'll keep it a secret.
I had another ex girlfriend ( who I'm still friends with) tell me that she thought it was fine that I got myself off wearing women's clothes. This was a long time ago and her remarks were made after I told her that I had gone out in drag on Halloween.
It may take him time to warm up but just keep reassuring him that you're ok with it and that it won't affect your relationship status.
He's just scared and afraid of losing you and being outted.

[cdpam02]

Hello again:

I read Joni T's idea about Halloween. I think that's a GREAT IDEA !

Make the case at the discussion stage that you want him to look as real as possible and help him with his makeup and clothing selection. I predict once you get up the next morning you'll have a good excuse/opportunity to ask how he enjoyed dressing up the night before. You'll know why I say this if he goes along with the idea. :)

Have fun. Good luck ! :)

Pam

[justmetoo]

Sorry, I didn't provide an update and this thread has come back to the top again! But, yes, it's all out in the open now and has been for the last month. The two of us couldn't be happier. Thank you all for your advice. I had to hear it straight from the horse's mouth, but I think it was certainly made easier for him that I knew in advance. He knows how I know and we've been able to be totally honest and open with each other. It's all been fantastic.

That's wonderful! Good for you (both of you)! :D

[MeraLehanga]

Let him wear a new dress of yours by telling him, i wana see how it looks on a person, and observe whether he blushes, if he does, give him a warm hug and a smile and tell him " I feel you are feeling comfortable, so continue feeling comfortable, as nothing makes me more happier than to see you happy"

What do you think?

[DonnaT]

Thats great news, Sarah. Congratulations.

[Sally2005]

I think the best approach is to tell him you think CDing is cool without telling him you know. Watch a CDing show on TV together and just say how amazing it is and tell him if he ever wants to try it you will help him. Maybe mention how you know that some people in the world are freaked out by it, but you are not and you would be respectful and keep the secret if he desired that. Also, just take him by your hand one day and dress him up...he's not going to volunteer, but I doubt he will resist too much.