Finding a friend... suggestions welcome.

[StephanieF]

I haven’t been here very long, but have read lot of posts and want to say how much I enjoy and feel welcome here. The more I read the more I confirm who I am.

Last night was not great and I did some soul searching to find where I fit between totally out and deep in the closet. I see three options,

1/ Stay in the closet lonely & frustrated. I don’t think I can do that anymore.
2/ I live in a low population area so support groups / cd organizations n/a. I can try and create a circle of new friends and acquaintances I can be open with and settle for weekend getaways, conferences etc. (most practical compromise but hardly great)
3/ Come out, which I can’t do.
I know the intent is honest and sincere but there is one common theme that keeps coming up. That we should ‘live our own life’, ‘let the chips fall’ and ‘if they’re real friends ....etc, etc’ All very true but for most, rarely that simple.

I’m lucky to have good friends but crossdressing is not something they’ve thought a lot about or want as part of their lives. They certainly wouldn’t be expecting it from my direction. Doesn’t mean they hate crossdressers, it just means that our interests and priorities would be redefined and a lot different than they’d realized. We would still have much in common but even if they accept this facet of my life, there’s always going to be this ‘white elephant’ in the room now. And even if it’s unintentional, the friendship is going to change and probably for the worse. That’s on a personal level and though it could be unpleasant, I could deal with it.

It’s the effect on others where I am at a loss, to know how to proceed. Wonderful, loving and supportive family members, who would continue to love and support without complaint. But it would be so difficult for them, their natural protective loyalties to stick up for me, and justify and explain to others. Even in a small town I can handle the gossip, rumor and bs. I don’t know if I can handle putting them through it.

Although divorced, I am very close with my family. Having young children in school in these situations is always a problem. The potential ridicule, teasing and bullying would have to affect them. Will they alienate themselves from me, criticize me to their friends or worse grow to dislike or even hate. I don’t know, but it’s a hell of a scary thought for me.

I’m not in a union or part of a large company. I have a small business and if my customers stop buying from me there’s not a lot I can do about it. I’ll just lose a business (with employees I feel responsible for) I took twenty five years building.

So sometimes that advice isn’t so helpful. I was online last night after turning down an invitation for dinner with some friends because I wanted to wear my new summer frock, along with the new stockings, bra & panty set and white sandals. I had on a bob wig, classic cathedral earrings, I’d already put on my face and was in the process of doing my nails. I felt so feminine and so great. I was looking as good as I get.

I think cd.com has revived a lot of the emotional frustration etc and as I started reading, came across several ‘don’t worry what others think’ and ‘it’s your life’. I remember the emotions boiling up saying, ‘No, you’re wrong, it isn’t just my life’ and totally lost it. If crying is good for you, I must be a lot healthier today. I ended up sobbing, standing looking out the window and at my reflection, alone, a six foot+, 200 lb+ man in a cute little dress and high heels asking herself out loud “What the f*** are you doing? I can’t and don’t want to ignore this part of me and I literally can’t make it my public lifestyle, but I definitely have to find that niche where Stephanie/I can express herself with others who are part of her/my whole life.

There’s not even a certified gender therapist around here. I’ve checked. It would be so great to just have one friend to completely confide in and be en femme around. I’m feeling very vulnerable right now, a little lonely and a little scared. As Hawkeye Pierce said to Radar, ‘trust me Radar, loneliness is all it’s cracked up to be and it’s no fun’. I think we all know a bit about that. Being lonely has nothing to do with being alone.

I’m sorry for this diatribe. I didn’t mean to write so much but if anyone has any suggestions for approaching people I already know, to feel them out without going too far. As I said it’s not a rural area, but not a city either. I’ve seen rumor & gossip destroy people / relationships around here before.

I’ve tried all the usual ideas. I guess I’m wondering about personality traits I’m not recognizing. To identify those with a liberal attitude and belief toward gender equality and expression. I’m not sure what to look for but I know there has to be lots of people who believe it’s not only my right but who want to help and think it’s a good and wonderful thing. Any suggestions are most welcome. Thanks Stephanie

[Nicole Erin]

Well for real life, yeah you would need to think about maybe visiting a neighboring town that is bigger.

If you are wanting to make some friends here, it is not so hard. Just reach out to a few people. Sometimes it will be a dead end but other times, it could lead to at least something like someone you can telephone or voice over messengers like skype or yahoo [yahoo seems to be the one of choice around her... I prefer skype]

If you are worried that another CD will "out" you, well in my experience, we just don't do that to each other. I think because in our community, the unspoken yet well understood rule number one is - confidentiality. So with a fellow CD or TS, your secret would be safe. Another thing - we don't judge each other. Whether we look like models or look ridiculous, we are all sisters.

For recognising personality traits of a CD, well that is not always easy. Some of us are kind of feminine looking even in drab. Other CDs though, hide it completely. They may look and act like the most rugged men in the world. And then there is everything inbetween. We had a football coach, big ol dude, at one of our schools who was caught being CDed [that's another story, happened like 13 years ago. Yes everyone was shocked.]

Gyod this is sad, I cannot think of a single thing that would give away a CD who is closeted, and damnit, I *am* one. Anyways, enough rambling from me.

[TommiTN]

Stephanie, I can completely empathize. I'm in a similar situation. MlleErin gave you good advice. Make friends within this little community we have. I'm sure there are other members near you. I have a couple of nearby friends now whom I met here. We have not met in person and may never, but just knowing that they are there is comforting

[tricia_uktv]

Stephanie, its never easy but you need to find a place where you can do what you want. Don't know your exact circumstances but I travel away to do it and keep my male side at home about every two weeks - though thats starting to change :) I promise it works. Much expectation for the next time, total enjoyment and freedom when I'm there and then I can remember it by writing in my blog. Start slowly but by now I'm into three days at a time dressed all the time, heaven. Good luck!

[Holly]

Stephanie, you've written a very poignient and thought provoking post. It is true that we do not live in a vacumn and that our actions can and do impact others. That is a truth we must always bear in mind.

Since you have ruled out coming out and have asked for advice on how to meet other who may be sympathetic to your situation, may I respectfully suggest that you approach members or the performing arts community. Generally people who affiliate with that community are more liberal in their thinking... just a thought.

[Karren H]

well I'm. Not epecially good at giving advice except maybe what color eye shadow goes with a certain dress.....

But I too went on the search for friends... I started out on UrNotAlone searching in my state... And the through a couple yahoo user groups then crossdressers... And a couple other simular sites.. And through my 360 page .. Where we made first contact... But mainly I met them on Yahoo IM. Most contacted me and I have made many friends both locally in my area and accross the country.. Of the local ones I have met a few and we have had lunches and dinners and even the odd dressing sessions.. All non-sexual.. the way I wanted it.. But it did take a lot of time and effort to get the close friends I have.. And a lot of chatting... To make sure they are really friends... I'm a very suspicious person so it took months and months of chatting before my first meeting..

So we are out there ya just have to hunt us down... And verify we are who you really want as friends!!

[Tomara]

Hi Stephanie , Sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time .:hugs: I have some of the same issues , ( small town , own business and know way too many people that I`m sure would not understand ) I do think that joining here is a very good start to being able to enjoy more of ourselves knowing that we have each other for support and understanding . I would highly recomend trying to find a therapist that you can feel comfortable enough with to share this part of you with . I have talked with mine about CDing and she is very helpful . Remember they are there to help you not judge you . I hope this is some comfort to you . Tomara

[sterling12]

You can start with laying down a thread in "The Meeting Place" Section and see what happens. You have to be pretty doggone remote, before you won't find someone who is within 100 miles. You haven't said where your located, but I'll just bet it's not The North pole, Death Valley, or The Aleutian Islands. So, your chances of connecting are very good.

Next step, find a GROUP. A lot of support groups are located in smaller towns; Especially when it's a low pop. density part of The Country. Your going to have to get creative with The Computer, but I bet you can find something.

DO attend a couple of The conferences. That is, if your budget can stand the strain. They aren't that cheap and I doubt you could get by for less than a grand to 2 grand for each event.

Last thing already mentioned. Cultivate new and MORE LIBERAL Friends, people who might accept your femme self. A good first step, join an amateur theatrical group.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[KimberlyS]

You sound similar to me. You live in a small town with narrow conservative minds and can be very clicky. No support groups near by and any CDers I know I do not come out to. Chances are coming out would kill the small business. How I get around it is I daily present my male self but dress in a mix of male and feminine clothes under and androgynous outer ones. This is mostly acceptable by my tolerating wife. But when I need some more feminine looking time I either work out some time to dress around home with out the kids around or work out a femme outing to a larger nearby town about an hour away. While I would love to have some more CD/TG friends near by to do things with it is not going to happen any time fast. So I enjoy the femme time I get and get out on my own when I can. I actually have found people in small towns around where I live to be very friendly to me as a CDer. But of course they do not know who I am personally. So while I am out and about I am not out to those I know. I could whine and get down about not having others to go to meetings with or to go out with but it is not worth it. To steal a phrase; If I am to CD it is up to me. So lately about once a month or so I take a Sunday and head to a town about an hour from me and run my normal errands and shopping all enfemme and also get in some just femme time shopping or doing something else.

[StephanieF]

Thank you all very much. It's all good advice and though I've tried some of it, it's always good to get another spin and a little encouragement to give the creative juices a push.

Quite honestly, as much as I wanted advice and help, I also really needed to just unload some of the frustration and baggage and communicate with others who understand. It's been a long time since I've had a chance to share these feelings and the whole situation of being in contact with so many like minded people was a little emotionally overwhelming and it kind of caught me off guard. Thanks for your help and suggestions, Stephanie.

ps
Sterling Eastern Canada, New Brunswick. Not the North Pole but right direction. I am trying to make it to Fall Fair Fantasia in October.

Kimberly, I am very close to that point of driving an hour or two, to do my shopping, at least partly en femme. I'm only an hour from the Maine border ... two & a half from Bangor.

Tommi, I am trying to find friends in my area... if you know anyone in the New Brubswick, Nova Scotia area please forward my name.

Again, lots of great ideas from everyone and I appreciate them more than you realize. Especially now.

[sherri]

Stephanie, as a business owner you must be familiar with a fact of life that also applies to crossdressing -- the world is not going to beat a path to your door. If you want companionship, you're going to have to work at it, and it also takes courage. So quit feeling sorry for yourself, quit wishing for the impossible and put your thinking cap on, get your butt in your car and go find what you're looking for.

Sure, it would be wonderful to have some friends in the neighborhood to socialize with. How many times have I wished I could just pop over to a friend's house for a drink, or grill burgers with friends in my backyard. But face it, given your situation, that ain't likely to happen, at least not right away. So just accept the fact that you're going to have to get out of town and go do it. If you need any help figuring out specifically where to go or what to do, let us know.

Okay, that's my shot at tough love. :love: