breaking the news to a potential new girlfriend...

[Deelite]

Ok then, i have recently split with my very long time partner (13 years) and have gone through all the painfull stuff of separation, and now in the process of buying my own place.

No the relationship was'nt ended completely because of my dressing, (various other complex stuff) she knew about my cding for years, and kind of accepted it to a point, but did'nt want to see any of it.

Anyway, enough about that depressing stuff i am into a new phase of my life and i want to find a new girlfriend more accepting to my dressing i know, i know its a tall order!!!

So, my question is, if i was to meet someone from a dating site say, would you break the news to that person on the first date, get it out in the open, or would you wait, get to know that person first, and then tell them?

My worry is if i wait and get to really like this potential new girlfriend, i am going to lose them from telling them i CD.

I know some of you would say "she is'nt worth the friendship if she did'nt accept it" and there is some truth to that, but i must see this from their point of view, its not every day some one tells you they dress in female clothes.

Bit of a tricky one i know, but any input would help.

Dee.

[Shelly Preston]

I would not rush in right away and tell her

You need to find out if there is any potential for a long term relationship first

There is a link in my signature which should help you tell the lucky lady

[Nikki A.]

I'm in the same boat and I would not tell her unless I thought there was something there. I went out last weekend with a nice lady (my boss's wife friend), she was told about my Halloween "costume" by her other friend. We joked about it but I left it at that. If there was any chemistry I might have said more.

[MalibuJenny]

So, my question is, if i was to meet someone from a dating site say, would you break the news to that person on the first date, get it out in the open, or would you wait, get to know that person first, and then tell them?

I've done it all sorts of ways over the years.

However, I think something like CDing is only relevant when you've really started to become close. My general rule of thumb is when things start to get physically intimate, the other person probably has the right to know about this side of me.

Prior to that point, I just don't see any reason to dump that stuff out on the table.

[AnnMorgan]

If I may, wait. Coming clean to another is an act of faith and trust but also this isn't what defines me or my worth as a person.

[Sophia KT]

I would say tell her as soon as anything other than polite conversation looks like taking place. That way you have not held back and there can be no recriminations of any kind.

[Amy Hepker]

I met my Lady one night and the next night I told her on that date. We went for a long walk in a park and I told her as we were walking. I then left the ball in her court. I had given her my phone number and waited to see if she was interested in me, sure enough the 2 days later she called thinking she had done something wrong and I told her no, just that I did not know if she wanted anything to do with me because of my dressing. We ended up together after that.

Trust me, tell the truth up front. You may go through a lot of Ladies that6 way but when you do get one she will be happy with you.

[Miss Petra]

I told my wife on the 4th date. After she discovered some things. Would of been much better if I told her first. I was going to tell her that night which she understood my intentions and wasnt really mad just confused after she heard the whole truth.

Like others have said once relationship goes past casual dating it is time to tell them. If they really love you for yourself this is not a deal breaker. It would be an excellent way to see how well you guys communicate in crisis and how well you can express and accept each others feelings and desires.

[Kristen Marie]

It's funny. I have met females on my myspace account and tagged, and for the most part, have developed what I consider to be healthy relationships. They ask questions, exchange fun fashion tips and even share some nice girlie secrets. In some cases I have known them for over a year.

While I have no intention of dating them, having been able to share Kristen with them in a non-tramatic way (as opposed to...you're a what???) has made our relationship a good one. I could see myself (in a different set of circumstances), being attracted to someone who shared my crossdressing thoughts/lifestyle, perhaps as a pre-requesite of sorts. In fact, the females I know in real life who know me and accept me as Kristen, are real good friends.

I guess that goes to the notion of telling them early in the dating relationship.

[racquel]

So, my question is, if i was to meet someone from a dating site say, would you break the news to that person on the first date, get it out in the open, or would you wait, get to know that person first, and then tell them?
Dee.
Have you considered advertising it in your profile at a dating site? Then it is up front and you would attract any females who are looking for sensitive men such as us. :2c:

[TracyH]

My personal rule? "Sometime before we sleep together"

[CowGurl Rachel]

Have you considered advertising it in your profile at a dating site? Then it is up front and you would attract any females who are looking for sensitive men such as us. :2c:

You've chrystalized my thoughts! My mom told me that the reason my wife accepted my crossdressing was that I was honest about it. It is a matter of trust. If you put it out there in the open, you not only show that you are honest, but that you will not keep secrets.

:hugs:

Rachel

[Jilmac]

Deelite, I can talk from my own experience. I was married twice, my first ended in divorce (which CDing was a minor issue). I had told my first wife about my dressing while we were dating so she would have had plenty of time to head for the hills if she so desired. My second wife also knew of my dressing when we were dating but had many hang ups about it. She passed away last year and I have since come out (except to my kids) and am enjoying my dressing as often as I can.

I met a wonderful woman through an on line dating board and we hit it off from the get go. I think it was our second or third time being intimate when I told her about my dressing. I was prepared for an instant breakup but she proved her unconditional love when she accepted me for the person I am. Although she is not ready to see me en femme, she has been very supportive and has joined the forum to learn more about me and all our sisters. I thank my higher power every day that I have such a caring and supportive SO, and I consider myself a very lucky person because now I can be totally honest with her and myself about my dressing. Luv and :hugs: Jill

[Melinda G]

When I consider all the girlfriends that have come and gone, over the years, I'm glad I didn't tell any of them.

[Carly D.]

I think saying "I love you... but.. there's a secret that I need to share.." and really should share it before things get to the planning the future stages.. if your fem side is that important.. and likely that will be the case.. I've read a good number of posts here about how the guys would stop wearing when they got married and could keep their fem personality buried for quite some time but then something sets that off and they start to cross dress again.. and then things go bad because the girlfriend didn't know.. so I think there should be a mention if just to let her know you like wearing what she does, or what she doesn't as most women now would rather wear mens clothes..

[Holly]

Dee, if you are looking for advice, I would say tell her when it is apparent to you that the relationship is becoming something that the two of you are desiring a permanence to. You, of course, have the final say it what you will do, but please bear in mind that should you choose to withhold this information, there will always something of you hidden away not only from your partner, but you will have denied a part of you to yourself as well. Best wishes.

[Deelite]

Well, thankyou all ladies, for your input on this matter.

Its interesting on how you have dealt with this situation in different ways, with your own personal experiences.

I would love to put my dressing up on my profile on the dating site but i fear someone may see that from my family or friends 'Checking my ad" as i have not "come out".

I agree i should only tell my secret once i feel there is more coming from the relationship, i don't want to leave it too long, as that would be unfair.

I did'nt tell my ex for years, and it hurt her pretty bad, when i did share my secret, as she thought she knew me inside out, i want to avoid that next time around.

Well, one thing i have learned from using this site is that Dee is here to stay, and whoever i meet, they will need to find a place for her in their life.

Once again ladies thankyou for your help.

Dee.

[suzy cool]

When I consider all the girlfriends that have come and gone, over the years, I'm glad I didn't tell any of them.

That's pretty much what I was thinking. Who knows what they might do.

[tricia_uktv]

Girls, life's far better, though much harder, if we don't live a lie. We are what we are. For some without baggage its easier. For others with so and kids its much, much harder. But I have found as I'm gradually getting out that huge weights are removed from my shoulders and that I'm smiling and happier than I have ever felt before. Anyway, she'll probably guess when she sees you in your little black number :)

[Emily Anderson]

Dee,

I definitely wouldn't announce it on the first date, unless there's a "total click" and she announces that her dream guy like to wear girly clothes.

But, I would tell her as soon as you know that you are seriously interested in a relationship, bearing in mind that she might shy away from this.

It's a risk you have to take if you are seriously interested in finding a partner that has some level of acceptance for your "alternative lifestyle".

[RobertaFermina]

Depending on how sensitive your life and livlihood is to public revelations that you are a CD, you may want to wait until you know they can keep and secret, and no matter how your met or parted, always would. Then you are safe to tell.

If you get to know someone that well, well, how much better do you need to know someone ?

If someone is not yet smitten with you, you are likely to get their honest response to your CDing. If you wait until a heavy emotional investment is made, it may take a long time for any negative reactions to surface.


:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Deborah_UK]

When I consider all the girlfriends that have come and gone, over the years, I'm glad I didn't tell any of them.


That has never been my experience - after my divorce I decided that I was no longer going to lie and have told every girlfriend (where I thought the relationship might be going somewhere since) - not once - to my knowledge have I been "outed" when that relationship floundered - usually because the crossdressing it has to be said.

One of those girlfriends was good friends with a colleague at work, and to the best of my knowledge, has never told her. OK, she may have told her and there may be talking behind my back, but after several years no-one has approached me about any gossip.

However all this will be moot soon - when my transition is out in the open!!! :D

[KATIE TV]

Hi Dee, I was in the same position as you two years ago, except I had been married for 30+yrs. I put an add. In my local papers dating page and after all the blurb about my age, hobbies, etc. I put the words “WLTM Open minded lady for fun times and explore my feminine side” I was surprised how many calls I got, I told them all over the phone about my cross dressing and without exception they were all cool with it, Most said that they had understood the add and it was what they were expecting. But a long term relationship is based on more things than the acceptance of ones cross dressing, The lady I now live with was one who didn’t get it first off, she thought the add. Said that I was so “macho” that I needed to have the rough edges smoothed off. When I explained to her she said “ your not wearing my knickers” I just said, “no need I’ve got plenty of my own”. We met and got on great, on her first visit to my house I showed her my wardrobe, and her comment was “it needs some improving” I now have two wardrobes full of lovely clothes. So fore me telling them all first off worked. You must do what is best for you, but I think that It is only right that the start of a new relationship there should be no “skeletons in the closet”. Best of luck. Katie, X

[Deelite]

Thankyou everyone, for your comments.

Katie i hear what you're saying, and i might put that in my profile, people can make what they think of it, and i might get lucky!

I wil let you girls know how it goes in the future.

Dee.

[StephanieH]

As others have said, it's probably not "1st date" conversation, but if there is a third and fourth date, by that time, she needs to know before things get more serious. Hide nothing and you'll have nothing to regret.

Take care and God bless! :D

[kym]

funny you guys should mention that, i just told my new girlfriend about my cross dressing. she is very accepting of me, but it is not a first date kinda conversation.:daydreaming:

[Bev06 GG]

My personal rule? "Sometime before we sleep together"

Tee hee, is that just in case she clocks your knickers Tracy.
Bev

[Bev06 GG]

Personally and from a GG perspective, I'd rather know something that personable about a guy before it started to get serious. That way I would have more of a choice as to whether or not I hung around because I wouldn't have developed a close relationship.
I do though see were you are coming from in not doing so because divulging such personal info to a relative stranger that you dont really know could prove very tricky.
Bev

[CLARRISA]

I'm in the same boat, i'm deciding whether or not to put in my profile or to only reveal when a relationship looks like it could be going somewhere, the big give away for me though would be my shaven fake tanned body, i don't think i could give up the shaving even when pursuing a relationship..