I have a little confession to make

[TommiTN]

I had an ulterior motive in starting my two threads, "Why" and "Occupation Survey". When I first came to this forum I harbored many of the prejudices about CD/TG people found in society at large, even though I am a CD and will be until I shuffle off this mortal coil. I felt I was some kind of pervert because society says I am. My parents, God love 'em, said the same when they found me out years ago. So, I lived my life of loneliness and quiet desperation, afraid of being found out and figuratively (maybe literally) stoned to death, afraid to make contact with others in the community for fear of being hit on, outed, blackmailed and lord knows what else. I felt dirty and ashamed each time I dressed, but I couldn't help myself. I literally considered eating my .45 several times. But, after reading the responses to my threads I know now that we are not perverts, that we are indeed decent, very special people possessed of an ability granted to few (although I think there are many still cloistered who are afraid like I was; we can't know what we don't know). So, I want to extend my deepest thanks to all for enlightening me about myself and the CD/TG community, even though you didn't realize you were. Your warm welcomes and patient responses to my questions are appreciated more than mere words can express. I've found a home at last!

I gotta go now. It's hard to see the screen through tears...

[Karren H]

I haven't thought of myself as a perv for decades.... Just something I like to do.....

[Ruth]

Tommi, your post really moved me. Welcome to this community. You have realised the truth and the truth will set you free. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong in what we do. Be at peace and enjoy the gift of CDing.
Love,
Ruth

[TxKimberly]

Tommi,

I think many of us go through stages such as you describe, where we feel ashamed of what we are. Most of us that have made it to this forum have probably at least found some sort of middle ground, and some of us have even found complete acceptance of ourselves and what we are.
By virtue of my job, I travel across the United States, and sometimes the world, and have met a LOT of other Tgirls - many from this very forum. One of the first conclusions I reached when I started meeting these people was that the very vast majority were what I'd call good and decent people. The kind that help people when they need it, the kind that are fun to know, and the kind that take pride in themselves, their families, their marriages, their children, and their lives. If these folks are perverts than so am I. :)

Out of the dozens of folks that I have personally met and gone to dinner or drinks with, I HAVE met two or three people that had life styles I would label "Alternative" or Hedonistic, but even these people I consider "decent". They let me know up front what their lives were like and what they were interested in, and when I responded that I "wasn't gonna go there" the topic was dropped and we had a fun night.

Trust me on this, excluding myself, your in very good company with the majority of folks here. :-)

[Joy Carter]

Tommi, I went through pretty much the same as you. Not suicide, but close enough. You have an advantage now. You have this community for support. I wish I would have had this advantage, when I was in my mid teens. My self acceptance, had to wait untill I was middle aged. You will be fine, once you accept your self and move on with life.

[Brina Halloween]

Life is an experience you live and no one is perfect. I at least read the "why" post (forget already if I contributed) and skipped the other. You asked a good honest question and in different forms I have seen it in other threads already. I'm just glad you apparently appreciated the answers.

It might be lame but, accepting yourself as okay is half the battle. If I c:daydreaming:ould only take my own advise at times. :daydreaming:

[Sophia KT]

You sweetie!

[RylieCD]

Tommi, As you can see you are not alone. We have all felt that same way. With the help of this forum I have been able to accept myself and learn that I am not a perv or a freak. I do understand that unfortunately that there are some in society that believe this is true and will try to make us believe this as well, we know what is true and we will perservere.

You are in good hands here

[Amy Hepker]

I think many of us have been in your shoes, please just enjoy your real self, and don't be ashamed or embarrassed. You are welcome here and accepted.

[Bev06 GG]

I think your Post Why was very thought provoking and certainly sparked off plenty of responses.
Take care
Bev

[Lidia_tv]

Perhaps, at first, I felt a bit like a perv - but that's just because of the strongly voiced opposition in society in general. But very soon I realised I felt good about myself and about crossdressing (still do, for that matter), and that was a liberation. I am NO pervert, and neither of us here is.

[Deborah Jane]

Hi Tommi, i went through pretty much the same as you did before coming here.
After coming here, i realised i was with kindred souls and among friends who had travelled a similar journey to myself.

From now on your journey should be far easier!!

[Maria2222]

Hi Tommi,
I'm so happy that things are falling into place for you. I guess I'm lucky, being a CD (starting as a child) just felt natural to me and I've always accepted it as a part of what I am. It doesn't really matter to me what other people think. I"m glad to see that you're going in the same direction.
As you say, it's an asset we have that no one else has. I've always felt that we're lucky rather than being cursed.
I hope things continue to go well for you.
My :2c:

[AKAMichelle]

It is a shame how people can so adversely affect our perception of ourselves. We try to be strong, but each one of us at some point derive our self-worth from someone else.

Recently I shared this with my wife and it seemed to finish off a struggling marriage. I tried to use it to rebuild the marriage, but it had the exact opposite effect. One of things she kept telling me was that no one would every accept this about me. CD'ing was terrible, wrong, evil and a sin.

I have been trying to work up the courage to share this with someone and find some friends. I understand the fears of having someone cause you harm for being a CD'er. I own my own company and this has caused me to be stealth for far too long. I want to become more open and most of all find a woman that can accept who I am.

It will take me awhile to get over the negatives that my wife instilled in me. Maybe you can be more successful in overcoming the negatives that people tell you. You are only a CD'er - not an ax murderer. :D

Michelle

[TGMarla]

Crossdressing can be frustrating at times, since it's somthing that Western society frowns upon. But it does so largely due to the religious brainwashing that has rendered it incapable of independent thought when it comes to such questions. All you get is "Well, in the Bible it says......" It's much the same in Muslim cultures as well. Very closed-minded societies much of the time, and very resistant to anything new that bucks their little ways of life.

But even so, crossdressing is a very poor reason to off oneself. It's also a lousy, petty reason for things like divorce. And those you run into that bag on the transgendered are the same people who aren't above racial humor, or who look down upon women as an inferior gender (another legacy from the Christians and Muslims...heck, almost ALL societies). Small minds find small things to occupy them.

In a better world, crossdressing would be looked up on as a gift, a window through which the inquisitive would look in order to better understand the other gender. Thus, it would not be a source of anguish for us, rather a splendid source of smiles and happiness. Those who see the world from only a place of one gender are missing out fully on half the world.

So chin up. You're not sick or demented. You only looked through the door that others suggested was taboo. And you liked what you saw, and saw that it was beautiful. Now you can finally accept yourself, and find the joy that is there for you.

Welcome home.

[RobertaFermina]

Tommy,

It takes courage to gut it out all these years on a low-lead diet. :witsend:

Couer, the root word for courage, is from the french.....it means HEART. :<3:

But from your tears, your big heart is also revealed. :<3:

Thank you for hanging on, and for coming here to let go.

:hugs:

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Jilmac]

Tommi, you're amongst friends and sisters and we all love you.

Luv and :hugs: Jill

[Jonianne]

Hi Tommi,
We are all just human here. God's children. I am so glad you found a place to receive the acceptance you deserve. I went through the same thing, but alone. In my case opening up to therapists helped me 16 years ago. Now with the internet, its a lot easier. You are not alone and we are good people, from ALL walks of life, just being OK with being who we are.

[Angie G]

Tommi I must have known somehow it's not a sin or bad thing to do as I never felt bad for dressing. It just alway felt right to me hun.:hugs:
Angie

[paulaN]

Hi Tommi. Thank god for the internet. Now that you have found us your goning to be allright.

[Samantha B L]

Hi Tommi, We've all got our secret pet fears about CD'ing. One of mine that goes back even before puberty is that someone would get me over a barrel on some angle in some lawsuit or altercation and blab that I "wear ladies clothes" and this would get me thrown into the "nuthouse" or jail and the whole thing would be news at least locally where I grew up in the papers and on local TV news. Now I'm a lot older and I have things like this forum and I know better than that kind of panicky logic. A lot of people frown on CD'ing and this does make for some scary scenarios sometimes. But things are a lot better than they were even 35 or 40 years ago. Tommi,if the Lord hadn't given you femininity and crossdressing as part of your life other things far worse or very silly and mediocre might have been substituted by nature and you would have to contend with it. Your post is very wonderful and moving and it's great to have you with us!

Hugs, Samantha :love:

[27th Jennifer]

You found the right place! Before I found this forum, I thought I was a freak, and that maybe these feelings would just go away. Well, it turns out they don't (just ask some of the older members) and I think we're all better for it. There are always ups and downs, but when it comes down to it, we're all regular people with an interesting hobby.

[Ravin_nightshade]

Much like you I to had a hard time with it. I owned a 13 inch survival knife that I was going to commit Sapuko (for those who dont know what sapuko is it is where you stab your self in the stomach with the blade up then you pull the knife up to the bottom of the rib cage and turn it so that it cuts a cross the bottom of the lung then you tern it and cut the other one in one fast motion. It was a form of redemption for discracing your family used by the samurai. most people only get to the bottom of the rib cage.) with and as i pressed it to my stomach (while dressed to kill) I lost it and couldn't stop crying I actually cried my self to sleep. For me that was the most intense moment of my life as I am hardly capable of crying. by which i mean to say that i have only cried maybe 4 or 5 times in my life. That was about 8 years ago and tons have changed since then. the point is that if i had done it I would have missed out on so much in life that it scares me to even think I considered it.

love ya and keep up the faith cus with out faith you cant even take a breath of air.

[AnnMorgan]

Tommi,

There's a 12 step program that suggests to all new comers to "Give your self a break." The one we've hurt the most is ourselves, we are our greatest critics and we know where to stick the knife and twist. If your really that bad there would be a picture of you on the wall at the local Post Office.

Stop playing those tapes in your head and see yourself as nothing less than a Human Being, the story of you isn't finished.

[sterling12]

My-my, that was refreshing! Thank you so much for your comments. It's nice to know that sometimes we get through to someone and change their life.

Your message implies to me that we should keep harping on our self-acceptance messages, keep agitating for Gurl's to finally go out, gain some freedom, and throw off those terrible shackles of guilt.

Your going to inspire a lot of us to "keep on....keepin' on!"

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Pamela Julie]

I am so happy that you have accepted yourself as the wonderful and normal person I am sure you are. Many of us, myself included, have gone through emotional turmoil for years without support, or knowing where to turn. Cd.com is a family to many of us, a family is a close knit group of people that support each other without judgment. We develop trust through learning. We learn by listening to each other. Their are many threads that start with "this may sound silly"; if it is important to you, it is important to us, therefore it is not silly. Sis, I am glad you are part of our family.

Pamela:)

[vivianann]

I was moved by your post, and it was very well writen. I could relate with the way you felt I was a pervert because some adult said it was wrong or perverted, I thought I was the only boy who liked to wear dresses. Then 20 years ago I read a news story about heterosexual men who liked to wear womens clothes, I was shock and elated at the same time, I called the ph# at the bottom of the news story, and I have come to reallize that I was not doing anything wrong, met others of like minds, come to accept myselfe as a crossdresser, and for me crossdressing has brought me happiness and the freedom to be myself. Since I do not do drugs and other harmful things to my body, cossdressing is my drug of choice, it keeps the depression bug away, I keep my body healthy, cannot get a dui from crossdressing, and most of all I like the look and feel of the clothes while wearing them. I am glad you found us, and we look forward to hearing more from you.:hugs: Viv

[Charrell]

Do what you like and enjoy it. You only live once :)

[AnnMorgan]

My-my, that was refreshing! Thank you so much for your comments. It's nice to know that sometimes we get through to someone and change their life.

Your message implies to me that we should keep harping on our self-acceptance messages, keep agitating for Gurl's to finally go out, gain some freedom, and throw off those terrible shackles of guilt.

Your going to inspire a lot of us to "keep on....keepin' on!"

Peace and Love, Joanie

You know looking back what was the guilt thing about anyway? About what? To whom?
It was of course self-imposed. So going by that then one can say that "forgiveness" can also self-imposed and we hold the key to both.
Just some ramblings before I go to work.

[TommiTN]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and encouragement! It is a rare thing these days to find such genuine souls. You have inspired me. I have begun some lifestyle changes I should have made long ago. I'm riding my bike daily again (try that while tucked!) to tone up my thighs and caboose. I am soo out of shape! I have also begun eating less and eating healthier (difficult here in Dixie, if we could deep fry water instead of boiling it we would). I want that little Hawaiian tank dress I'm ordering to fit when I get it. The biggest and most difficult change will be to quit smoking. I don't smoke heavily, less than a pack a day, but I know it will be hard as I have been a smoker for years. But, aside from the cardiopulmonary issues, smoking ages the skin, especially the face. Age is in hot pursuit; I'm not going to give it any more help.

Again, thank you! I sincerely hope we can meet face to face some day so I can hug each and every one of you!

[Carly D.]

I felt like a perv. I mean I think anyone who crossdresses (m to f or f to m) might feel that way.. I did and every now and then still do feel that way.. but I feel like it is my life.. I feel like as long as I don't try to alter someone else life then that's that.. I'm not like a bible thumper trying to get more men to try the way of the nylon.. you either are born with the open mind to try this type of thing or you develop this trait or you are numb from the neck up and never bother trying this.. whatever floats your boat..

[CLARRISA]

Thanks for this post, its made me feel a lot better about myself. Its realy difficult to shake off those guilty shamefull feelings, i think in the end you have to come to terms with it otherwise you'll waste your life in self loathing when you realise,like me, theres no benefit in stopping if stopping doesn't make you any happier ..

[Rachaelb64]

Hi Tommi, I'd just like to say we've all gone through a similer thing, coping with it in our own way. In the beginning we are always alone yet we see the light and find friends.

You can't change what you are (god knows how many of us have tried and failed). All you can do is accept yourself for yourself.

Remember just walk in high heels head high :)

[TommiTN]

Thanks for this post, its made me feel a lot better about myself. Its realy difficult to shake off those guilty shamefull feelings, i think in the end you have to come to terms with it otherwise you'll waste your life in self loathing when you realise,like me, theres no benefit in stopping if stopping doesn't make you any happier ..[/QUOTE]

[COLOR="Blue"]You're most welcome, Clarrisa. But the credit goes to the members of this forum who so kindly and sensitively walked me through my personal conflicts. All I did was bare my soul for all here to see, my male side kicking and screaming the whole way. My only regret is that I didn't find this group sooner in my personal walk. Sometimes we help others by helping ourselves.

[Toni_Lynn]

Hi Tommi

I am happy that you finding yourself. Get to know and love the girl within, for she is a good person. By being a crossdresser, you have been given a rare and wonderful gift that transcends race, creed, occupation and ethnic background.

Huggles

Toni-Lynn