whether to tell your wife

[LA girl]

I was wondering - for those of you who have told your wife about your cd'ing - looking back, was telling her the best thing you ever did, or do you sometimes wish you had kept it secret (and why)?

[darla_g]

I don't think you can expect to keep something like that a secret for long. At some point there will be a slip up.

I also think for a marriage to last you must have honesty and communication.

So in other words you got to talk about it with your SO.

[Angela-Russell]

I told my wife before we were married, & yes, it was probably the best thing I did. She would prefer it if I didn't do it, but she understands that it,s not something I could give up. Over the years she's been very helpful, buying things, & even making outfits for me. I don't think I could have kept it secret, & I know that I'm very lucky to have a girl like her.

[katrinacd]

I just wish I'd done a better job telling my wife about the CDing before we were married. At the time, my own self-acceptance was low and I really downplayed the whole thing. We are getting divorced (not primarily because of this issue), but I am going to be very open about this issue with any future partners.

[Bernadina]

It too told my wife soon after we met and before we were married. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Its worked out wonderfully well.

[Staci K]

It took 15 years before I could come out to her, but once I did it proved to be the best thing - I only wish I didn't wait so long.

My wife views on CD'ing are that so long as I don't ever adopt a 24/7 lifestyle, she is not going to stand in the way of my happiness.

In fact, it has proven to bring us closer. Since we work for the same employer when she borrows one of my tops for the day it's a great little secret between us - makes for interesting conversation on breaks.

We have been shopping together several times and always have a great time. It's great being able to look at a dress and voice how cute it is to my best friend and then follow it up with, "Wanna get it and share it?" Or laugh till we cry when we see a blouse that looks like the designer took 'being green' to the extreme by recycling last years table cloth into this years newest fashion.

Nicole :hugs:

[DanaR]

My crossdressing desires lay dormant, for the most of the first ten years we were married; then some other issues in my life caused them to re-surface. I told her then and we have been dealing with it ever since. I’m not saying it was easy, but we’ve worked through it and she is fairly accepting of me. We have gone out together a few times with me dressed, around home and out of town. Occasionally she’ll buy me some clothes, and there are times when we’ll go out shopping together. Usually when we go out shopping I’m in drab, it is better that way if we are close to home. My wife is the one the picked my name and has helped me a lot. She would rather I didn’t do this, but understands that it is part of me.

I think that telling her was the right thing to do.

[Angie G]

For me it's by fare the best thing I ever did and wish I had done it years sooner. If you do tell her I hope you have the luck of having a wife like mine. :hugs:
Angie

[SallyDupont]

Yes, couldn't and wouldn't want to keep that secret from her.

Bonus is we share some clothes, as most of "our" blouses, skirts, suits, dresses fit both of us.

[jill s]

OK I will be a downer and say it was a bad idea. I waited 23 years to tell her and two years later we still have and elephant in the room and she never wants to see me dressed. I think it really depends on your wife sees you after see knows about "her".

[Rachael502]

Not telling my first wife cost me a marriage.......telling my present wife while we were dating has resulted in wonderful support and understanding....:love:

[Sarah...]

Yes. Best thing I did for the sake of our relationship. Should've done it years ago.

Sarah...

[LisaElizabeth]

I felt I HAD to tell her before we married. I feel that we shouldn't keep secrets and that being a CD is a rather BIG secret to most of us.
It has been an UP and DOWN road over the years with being a CD and her acceptance. Someyears it is OK and others she would rather not deal with it.
Now? We are planning complimentary halloween costumes!! Me femme her male. so-o-o-o go figure?
It appears to OK for the time being, so I'm going to enjoy the ride!!
Lisa Elizabeth

[TGMarla]

The trouble with a secret is in keeping it. I did not tell my wife, or anybody for that matter. But it leaked out, and the s**t hit the fan. My wish list includes that it was still my secret, and/or that she was more accepting of it.

[StephanieH]

Starting a relationship as serious as marraige based on hiding things leads to huge mistrust issues that WILL, not maybe, explode on you one day. Then she's not going to trust you on a number of things, not just this one department. Being hubby and wife is all about faith and trust. ANYTHING that breaks that bond is extremely dangerous; whether it's crossdressing or buying a new bass boat and hiding it from her.

My wife has been very supportive. I think once they understand it's just the way we're wired up, the success stories are a lot more common than the disaster tales. If she loves you, your choice of undies shouldn't matter all that much.

Take care and God bless... and tell her asap. And do it with love... she'll enjoy having an objective shopping partner! :D

[Holly]

Put me in the, "Best Thing I Ever Did" column. Maybe this will make some sense to you... by telling her, our relationship took on a similar feeling of freedom that I felt when I was able to dress. It opened new understandings for both of us and gave us new ways to relate to one another. No regrets here whatsoever.

[sandra-leigh]

I had no idea that I was a cross-dresser for the first decade of my relationship (yes, seriously), so there wasn't anything to tell when the relationship started. But once I knew for sure that I liked cross-dressing and that cross-dressing was somehow important to me, hiding it from my wife became emotionally quite hard on me.

My attitude in life has been "Do the best you can at the time, and be honest"; I don't spend much time feeling guilty, because I know that I did my best the first time around (guilt arises largely from feeling that you did not do your best.) But when it came to my cross-dressing, I wasn't being honest and wasn't feeling like I was doing the best I could; it was quite draining on me, and I wasn't being the kind of person I wanted to be.

By the time my wife asked me about my stash, I had already decided that I was going to tell her (it just wasn't a "good time" due to a family illness), and I had already decided that if she asked me about it that I wasn't going to lie. So when, one Sunday morning, she asked me "Why do you have fake boobs downstairs", instead of denying or making up some story or claiming "It was a moment of weakness!", I thought for just a few seconds and answered, "So that's where they got to!"

[Sporco]

My first wife found out the hard way after 7 years of marriage. We were young and she was narrow-minded so I didn't think she'd accept under any circumstance - which turned out to be correct.

I told my 2nd wife while we were dating. She doesn't enjoy it or get off on it but she doesn't condemn it or restrict it either. She says she knows it's part of me and she is fine with it.

Having done it both ways, I think up front is definitely the way to go...

[Mary Morgan]

There are days for sure, but I am very glad I told her for me, and a little sad that I told her for her. Now she feels as though I have placed part of the burden on her and I regret that she feels that way. I understand her feelings, but I think she could shed them if she wanted to. Easy for me to say. Not really, I know what it is like to carry such a load for a very long time, and as they say, the truth shall set you free.

[Debra Lynn]

Even if I tried to keep it a secret, I think she would have found out. She didn't believe me at first and still doesn't like to know I'm doing it. I try to tell her when I'm dressing so that she doesn't come home and freak.

[Nikki A.]

It is very hard to keep secret and if you don't and she finds out then there are trust issues. My wife knew before we were married, didn't really accept it but gave me some time.

[Babette]

Absolutely the best thing I ever did. Her reaction was so positive that I now kick myself for procrastinating. The relief from the anxiety was the best feeling for me.

Babette

[TxKimberly]

Hands down one of the best things I ever did.
No hiding, no secrets, no fear of being caught. Best of all? Someone I love and adore that I can talk to.

[mike47]

I don't have a wife but this guy I grew up with and his wife I told. I wish I would have told them years ago. Probably would have saved alot of hiding and kinda being rude by pushing them out of the house or not going to theirs due to me wanting to get dressed. Now I can do both.

[Missy Anne]

Telling her was the best thing I ever did, aside from marrying her!!!

Wish I had told her years earlier.

Missy Anne

[Sarah Doepner]

About 3 years before I was in a situation where I had to blurt out this secret to my wife someone explained to me that it's not "if" she finds out, it's "when". If you plan and share this with her there are several things that will be in your favor.

1- You control when and where it happens. There is no chance that it will be sometime or place where you are at a greater disadvantage.
2- You control the content of the message. You have the chance to put all the important facts out on the table before she has to ask those questions.
3- The big question of trust, or "what else have you been hiding from me?" can be handled better and,
4- You can provide resources to help her do her research and get the answers independently. Steering her to Crossdressers.com would benefit you much more than having her wander off to something that is porn oriented.

I did a terrible job of this and postponed it so very long using a shopping list of terrible excuses to not tell her. It was a surprise for both of us. She was shocked and I was a basket case, waiting for the constable to deliver the papers. It was a couple of weeks before we could talk about it and I was lucky she found several very good web pages that explained it very well. She is supportive and understands better than I could have ever expected.

All of this will give you at least a fighting chance of a good result. There are no guarantees that it will work out, but if your marriage is important you need to do your best to show her the respect you hope to get in return.

good luck

[Nikki K]

Absolutely. It's been painful, and we're still on the journey, but our relationship has been more fulfilled and intimate than ever before. You can see full details of my "reveal" in my "OMG:..." thread but for the most part I have to say it's better out than in. It's better to establish a relationship on unconditional honesty than secrecy and deceit. I applaude those friends here who were able to discuss their needs prior to getting into a long-term relationship.

Nikki

[KarenCDFL]

It was the honest thing to do.

I told my wife well before we got married and it did take her some time to learn and get comfortable with it. Now 14 years later she is my number 1 CD fan!

[LA girl]

thank you for all your replies, and your insight, guidance and encouragement. I think part of the reason why it is so difficult to decide whether to tell is that I am still in the process of trying to figure out my own identity and gender identity, where I stand, and who I am (let alone trying to explain it to someone else!). I really appreciate that you all took the time to share your thoughts.

[Andi]

Dear LA, yes it's absolutely the right thing to tell your wife and the sooner the better. Honesty has to be the bedrock of your marriage, but brace yourself for a wide range of possible reactions. I told my wife very early on and it was a disaster - no tolerance what-so-ever let alone acceptance. So, I've lived a secret life of don't tell and she never asks although I'm sure she suspects me. Other than that the marriage is wonderful but this was too much for her to bear.

[Sara Jessica]

thank you for all your replies, and your insight, guidance and encouragement. I think part of the reason why it is so difficult to decide whether to tell is that I am still in the process of trying to figure out my own identity and gender identity, where I stand, and who I am (let alone trying to explain it to someone else!). I really appreciate that you all took the time to share your thoughts.

I told my wife while we were dating. She is still what I would call tolerant, maybe even boarderline accepting, but non-participating. And that's fine even though I still long to have her open up to more. I cannot imagine trying to exist while worrying about hiding my things or lying about where I am going when I go out and about. I am able to be totally honest with her and for that I am most grateful.

Now here's the kicker that relates to what you wrote above. She always thought of me as "just a crossdresser" and just over a year ago I confessed that my place on the TG spectrum was so much deeper, that some of my earliest memories are those of absolute longing to be a girl, a state of being which has not and will not go away. This of course made things dicey for a while but we've circled around and she understands more about what makes me tick and I have made every effort to find balance in my life between family & responsibility and having a fulfilling feminine existence as well, short of transition. So yes, disclosure is all important in my opinion, but you must also know where you are in the TG continuum so that you can convey yourself with authenticity and sincerity.

[Bernadina]

thank you for all your replies, and your insight, guidance and encouragement. I think part of the reason why it is so difficult to decide whether to tell is that I am still in the process of trying to figure out my own identity and gender identity, where I stand, and who I am (let alone trying to explain it to someone else!). I really appreciate that you all took the time to share your thoughts.

Ok.

Maybe you should include her in your figuring out too and not just surprise her when you think you finally know.

[RikkiOfLA]

you must also know where you are in the TG continuum so that you can convey yourself with authenticity and sincerity.

Julia Anne, I think that's so important (and well put!). I've seen quite a few transgendered women (heck, I'm one of them) who are somewhere inbetween transsexuals and occasional crossdressers. As a result the transition envisioned by the Harry Benjamin standards and the TS Road Map (which are excellent for some) seems to take some issues too quickly while ignoring others important to us. The occasional recreational crossdresser model, on the other hand, doesn't address the gender dysphoria we feel. We're left to blaze our own trail through the gender wilderness amid stories of therapists pushing people too fast, and of suicides, divorces, and regrets.

When I began to tell her of my feelings, my wife asked important questions. They were actually very good questions, and exploring them helped me to figure out where my trail needed to go. Some of the important questions:

1. Do you need surgery and hormones? (She was very reassured when my answer turned out to be "No." The hard part was convincing her that I meant it. That took time.)

2. Are you attracted to guys? (Because I never had completely socialized as male, flattery was a newfound thing in my life, and incredibly powerful for a while. If I had known then what I know now about flattery, it would have saved us both some sleepless nights.)

3. Do you have a good financial plan? (We both understood that being open about being transgendered could be financially very risky. Today because of good financial planning, I'm sitting pretty. I own a new home and two nice cars free and clear and have a monthly pension coming in. I was able to retire before age 60. People wonder how I did it. It looks like luck (and consequently, a few friends have been jealous), but it's not. It meant planning for the worst as well as the best.)

Blessings,
Rikki

[Eva Marie]

At the risk of appearing to be personal and overly critical, I really can't understand a question like this. Is your spouse someone with whom you actively, or passively, compete? I operate under the (perhaps) delusion that a spouse is our "third hand", or second set of eyes, or any number of similar analogies. We entrust our possessions and sometimes our lives to this person with whom we have established this relationship which is like no other. Part of that contract is an acceptance of the individual traits and preferences by each for the other. Sometimes it doesn't work in the long term, but for the immediate duration I believe it very counterproductive to (attempt to) conceal from the other person any of the aformentioned traits and preferences.

[Shelly67]

This really cuts to the bone for me .It felt so bloody wrong to keep it all in the dark as I kept my secret for a good few years...... in the last guilty moment I had to come out . So I told her ( she had strong suspicions anyhow ) The result - I regretted it totally . I mean , I regret not telling her all those years ago , as I realized a marrige must be open and worked at .Nothing should be held back in fear ... Neither should any person be taken for granted , nor lied to . Think about it , if you're dressing on the quiet , you are in fact living a deceptive lifestyle - a lie . Believe me ...if we hide something it affects everyone concerned ...it may not be crystal clear in what we may be deceptive about , but we do show it ...in many different ways . And our spouses become alert . And even worried . Another woman ....?
It made me realise if theres one thing I really hate apart from thievery its lies .......dont you ?
After the initial shock ( for both of us ) things have developed in a more greater understanding of one another . Our unity has grown in strength and I feel more settled in myself and marriage . it wasnt easy ....but the best things never are .

So to sum it up - yes tell her .

A word of warning tho ....... go careful , go steady , never rush her , listen , be supportive and stand by those oaths you made ......... for better for worse .:hugs:

[Emily Anderson]

I was wondering - for those of you who have told your wife about your cd'ing - looking back, was telling her the best thing you ever did, or do you sometimes wish you had kept it secret (and why)?

I definitely don't wish I had kept it a secret, even though it ended in divorce. The issue with not telling your wife is that she will never know the real you, and you will never feel 100% comfortable with her not having that knowledge.

Some people can live with that situation, and some leave it too long to be able to fess up... It's an individual choice.

[leslie ann]

YES YES YES tell, you will feel so much better, ive told all my g/f and its never been a real big deal ! some were better than others but honesty is the only way for me so theres my :2c: good luck and let us know how it goes maybe while you two are intamint??/just say mmmm your panties feel so soft i want to try them and then youll have an easy out if it doesnt good or she might just suprise ya and well youll see :drink:

[Stephanie Michelle]

I told my wife before we were married. She excepted it and even participated. I have never gone out except a couple of halloweens. We have been married for twenty years and she has been OK with it. Although when she gets mad at me she uses that as an issue between us. Overall I am glad I told her before. It definitely is better to tell her early in the relationship. If she can't accept it it is better part early than to throw away several years together.

[nikki.darlington]

When i told my wife about 6 weeks ago, she wasn't overjoyed, but she did say that the clues she had picked up led her to think i was seeing a prostitute (a motel bill).....she has become supportive and i feel much closer to her than i did before, we are talking more about everything and i hope we will become closer and even begin to share my feminine life more fully....why did i wait so long???...i was afraid i would hurt her, make her cry, and lose the respect she had for me as her male "hero". It did make her tear up a bit, but that was worth what i believe is a new us, closer and much better at communicating...unless you fear a major catastrophe, i think it is wise to be honest about yourself and trust her to accept you as nature created you.

[KandisTX]

Best choice I could have made. It's so much easier when I don't have to hide Kandis from her or the kids. I can relax and be myself whenever I want to now.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[Melissa Anne]

I told my wife about a year into our marriage. She was surprised but supportive and has become even more supportive over time as we have communicated, compromised, and as she has learned more about me and crossdressing in general. I'm glad that I told her and have never regreted it. It was hell trying to hide it from her and I would have been caught eventually and that would not have been pretty.