LovelyRita
07-08-2008, 05:40 AM
Sorry this is so long, but this is what is on my mind
The life of a transexual is not an easy one. I know now I am one and not a crossdresser for I have always wanted the life of a girl. I want to make a fuss over flowers, a pretty dress, or cry over a movie without getting the "are you gay" stare. I have such tenderness in me that has stayed so bottled up all my life afraid to come out. "Boys are not that way" A therapist I went to a few times called me an emotional retard saying as a child I never put a label on an emotion so now when I have a situation I dont knowhow to react. Both my wives have called me a robot, but I know it is that the reactions and emotions that are in me are not that of a male. I have lived my life as a persona and not a person.
In a relationship I always steer to the supporter role. I am not the man who takes charge and will handle it and dont you worry little thing I am here. I am the one who wants to be held and told not to worry. I am the one who says whatever you think is best I will support you. I have always been in hetero- relationships and I am not gay...bi maybe. I love women but all my relationships with them I have always felt that...
"I love you so much because you are the person I strive to be"
I put that sentence by itself because i am not sure it is accurate enough. It is such a complicated area that a book could be written about it. But in a nut shell at a physical level I look at a woman and first see the features I like and want, then I see her outfit and wonder if that top would look good on me. Emotionally I have always almost worshipped the girl.
Sexual fantasies have almost always been of me being the female and being ravaged by the guy. But I am not really attracted to guys. There have been a few that were handsome enough that I could not stop looking at them. But I could see myself being in a relationship with one were I to transition, not before. But that brings up the big question
Do I transition?
I have thought about it, prayed for it, even planned for it. But I dont know if I am brave or strong enough to handle that life and the impact it would have on my family.
Well this post has been alot longer than I planned on I just have I lot f thoughts running in my head and had to put some of them down in writing/typing.
The life of a transexual is not an easy one. I know now I am one and not a crossdresser for I have always wanted the life of a girl. I want to make a fuss over flowers, a pretty dress, or cry over a movie without getting the "are you gay" stare. I have such tenderness in me that has stayed so bottled up all my life afraid to come out. "Boys are not that way" A therapist I went to a few times called me an emotional retard saying as a child I never put a label on an emotion so now when I have a situation I dont knowhow to react. Both my wives have called me a robot, but I know it is that the reactions and emotions that are in me are not that of a male. I have lived my life as a persona and not a person.
In a relationship I always steer to the supporter role. I am not the man who takes charge and will handle it and dont you worry little thing I am here. I am the one who wants to be held and told not to worry. I am the one who says whatever you think is best I will support you. I have always been in hetero- relationships and I am not gay...bi maybe. I love women but all my relationships with them I have always felt that...
"I love you so much because you are the person I strive to be"
I put that sentence by itself because i am not sure it is accurate enough. It is such a complicated area that a book could be written about it. But in a nut shell at a physical level I look at a woman and first see the features I like and want, then I see her outfit and wonder if that top would look good on me. Emotionally I have always almost worshipped the girl.
Sexual fantasies have almost always been of me being the female and being ravaged by the guy. But I am not really attracted to guys. There have been a few that were handsome enough that I could not stop looking at them. But I could see myself being in a relationship with one were I to transition, not before. But that brings up the big question
Do I transition?
I have thought about it, prayed for it, even planned for it. But I dont know if I am brave or strong enough to handle that life and the impact it would have on my family.
Well this post has been alot longer than I planned on I just have I lot f thoughts running in my head and had to put some of them down in writing/typing.