Confused About My Identity

[ShyQuest]

Hello everyone!

I'm a 22 years old and I guess I fit in to the MtF category, although I'm here to get help to figure this out.

Because I still live with my parents, I don't get too many chances to crossdress. Actually I didn't really think about it as crossdressing at first, I didn't even know what crossdressing was. Because I didn't get the chance to dress, this was never a major factor growing up, just something that was always in the back of my head... But know since I have more freedom, it's becoming an important issue.

I don't really crossdress for aesthetic reasons (to feel sexy or look pretty), although it is to 'bring out my feminine side'. It's not really about the clothes at all. If there was an other way to bring out that side of myself I would do it just as often. It's not really a sexual thing either. I don't do it because it's a turn on. It's not because of my sexual orientation either.

I just feel I would have made a better girl then a boy. I don't hate being a man (well not all the time), so I don't know if I even want to transition. But I don’t think I will ever really be able to transition because of many other factors in my life.

I also have other problems in my life that I need to fix/figure out, although some might be linked to this. Regardless, getting over those problems would help.

I'm just really confused about who I am and where I fit it. I don't necessarily want to put a label on myself; I just want to find where I belong (that's not quite the right wording... I know the phrase in French "avoir un sentiment d'appartenance", if anyone knows the proper translation, feel free to let me know! :)).

I just don’t know how to go about figuring things out... I have read other similar threads, but I decided to start one for myself. I would appreciate any ideas, comments, or even to hear about your experiences. I am horribly shy, but I will try share my own experiences too. :)

[Emily Anderson]

I would suggest that you try to meet a professional counsellor to discuss all of this, because it seems like you don't really know what's going on. You would need to speak with someone who can help you put perspective in your thoughts and feelings.

[jill s]

I think 22 is a very confusing time for anyone, those of us over twice that age wonder how we survived some of it. I'm glad your asking questions and not repressing it as I did. I and I'm pretty sure many others my age were not aware that you could be anything but totally male or a sissy. I know the pressure to conform still exists but with the Internet and a more open media at least the conversation about what is Female and what is Male and do you have to pick one can begin. It will be up to you and even younger ones to show that gender can be bent without civilation coming to and end. All this rambling adds up to "I don't have any answers for you but welcome to the club"

[Alan]

Wow, have I been there. Don't label yourself. It's a great start, not labelling yourself. Labeling sticks you in a box and forces you to remain there.

Embracing the feminine side of yourself doesn't make you NECESSARILY an MTF (I'm FTM and I embrace my feminine side), but if you're confused about it, I'm definitely seconding the 'talk to a professional' thing.

Being trans doesn't necessarily mean you have to change genders surgically. If just dressing/acting as a woman makes you happy, that's good, too.

I hope that helps somewhat.....

[ShyQuest]

I would suggest that you try to meet a professional counsellor to discuss all of this, because it seems like you don't really know what's going on. You would need to speak with someone who can help you put perspective in your thoughts and feelings.

I would like to see a professional, but I don't know where to look. I know I could ask my doctor for a referral, but this is something about me that only one other person knows (at least that knows me personally).

That's something I like about the internet, it can be very anonymous. It helps to talk about things I wouldn't be able to talk about in person.


I think 22 is a very confusing time for anyone, those of us over twice that age wonder how we survived some of it. I'm glad your asking questions and not repressing it as I did. I and I'm pretty sure many others my age were not aware that you could be anything but totally male or a sissy. I know the pressure to conform still exists but with the Internet and a more open media at least the conversation about what is Female and what is Male and do you have to pick one can begin. It will be up to you and even younger ones to show that gender can be bent without civilation coming to and end. All this rambling adds up to "I don't have any answers for you but welcome to the club"

Yeah, I have a lot of confusion in my life right now. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do as a career, I'm looking for a job to gain experience, and some other personal problems I don't want to bore you with.

And thanks for the welcome!


Wow, have I been there. Don't label yourself. It's a great start, not labelling yourself. Labeling sticks you in a box and forces you to remain there.

Embracing the feminine side of yourself doesn't make you NECESSARILY an MTF (I'm FTM and I embrace my feminine side), but if you're confused about it, I'm definitely seconding the 'talk to a professional' thing.

Being trans doesn't necessarily mean you have to change genders surgically. If just dressing/acting as a woman makes you happy, that's good, too.

I hope that helps somewhat.....

I'm not looking to label myself, I just want to find the best way of describing myself. That's why I say MtF, just to give some sort of idea to people of who I am.

I agree about the surgery. I don't need it, but something things would help to make me feel feminine. The only problem is that they're all pretty much permanent changes. Even hormones can leave permanent side effect that aren't desirable (like sterilization). I just wish there was a way to go back and forth between genders, but that's something that's only in fiction (or science fiction).


Thanks for the input everyone!

[Alan]

Banging about the forum, I've seen a lot of ways to be more feminine -- dressing, acting, and *feeling* feminine. And then, when you get sick of that, or you want a change, go back to dressing, acting, and *feeling* masculine. Your body will never reflect the feminine status without HRT/surgery, but in a way, you can switch back and forth -- you just have to make do with what your mind thinks until science catches up with sci fi.

[ShyQuest]

Banging about the forum, I've seen a lot of ways to be more feminine -- dressing, acting, and *feeling* feminine. And then, when you get sick of that, or you want a change, go back to dressing, acting, and *feeling* masculine. Your body will never reflect the feminine status without HRT/surgery, but in a way, you can switch back and forth -- you just have to make do with what your mind thinks until science catches up with sci fi.

I can garentee you, I've been, and I will be, using my mind to the fullest until then!

[melissaK]

Hmm. You probably have a lot of self acceptance to accomplish. And living at home is probably going to keep you closeted too much to complete learning about yourself free from the imprintur of your parents values. I'd urge you to move out.

I'd also urge you to not marry or get into a close relationship with any SO until you figure yourself out more. SO's, marriages, and kids all lead to making long term commitments that may be hard to keep as you learn more about yourself. You don't want to be living that old Meatloaf song and "praying for the end of time so I can end my time with you . . . "

hugs,
'lissa

[ShyQuest]

Hmm. You probably have a lot of self acceptance to accomplish. And living at home is probably going to keep you closeted too much to complete learning about yourself free from the imprintur of your parents values. I'd urge you to move out.

I'd also urge you to not marry or get into a close relationship with any SO until you figure yourself out more. SO's, marriages, and kids all lead to making long term commitments that may be hard to keep as you learn more about yourself. You don't want to be living that old Meatloaf song and "praying for the end of time so I can end my time with you . . . "

hugs,
'lissa

I would love to move out, but for the time being, I can't afford it. I'm probably heading back to study next September too, so living at home cuts down on living expenses and I won't need to work full time.

I already have a SO, and we've been together for five years (which is a lot at 22). She's very supportive and is there to help me. Without her support I wouldn't be where I am now, even is I still have a lot more self acceptance to get. Our relationship will last; we already plan on moving in together in the next year or two, and once we have stable jobs too, we want to get married. But that's not for few years yet.

Thanks for the advice!

[emmicd]

I think it is important that you focus on your studies and concentrate on your career. You need to eventually go out into the world on your own and need to be strong and have confidence. It is ok to have these kind of feelings you have but you must try to be clear headed and approach one aspect of your life at a time. You can not tackle everything all at once. You must build a strong foundation for yourself and develop a gameplan and stick to it.

If you are a college student you should be studying and exploring what interests you. College is a major endeavor and crucial to your future and comes with a heavy price tag.

There are counselors in school who you should seek out for academics and for your gender issues. You may need to explore the crossdressing and maybe try to integrate it in your life. You may also be seeking a girlfriend. All I know is if you overwhelm youself you will have more difficulties. You need to be focused and set goals for yourself. Your parents are probabaly expecting the very best for you.

I wish you good luck and hang in there. Life is good and a gift!

emmi