My frustration

[Kimberly]

I'm sorry to rant, but this is the only place I can vent my complete frustration that's just holding me by the throat at the moment. I don't think exam stress is helping me - but I feel trapped.

Trapped by society, trapped by people's judgemental attitudes and trapped by the gender bias that exists within this western world!!

My basic problem, is that I cannot express who I want to be: all due to the afformentioned reasons. Mainly people's attitudes to predetermined stereotypes for gender that everyone has! Except me, apparently. Or maybe I used use "us" as the appropriate pro-noun, as this must be something we all have in common as people that come under the umbrella term: Transgendered.

After breaking up with my gf, who I came out to about my dressing (she was very accepting,) I have been wanting to basically dress more, and therefore express who I truly am, but there are SO many things blocking my way.

A great example would be college life at the moment. (It's such a prejudice f*cking school anyway, so it's not exactly the best institution to put my argument in, but whatever - my thoughts are too quick to really make sense of this...) I am currently growing my hair - and it's getting longer than many of my male counterparts'. A girl spoke to me today, one I had a good regard for when it came to her personality (I thought she was nice etc). She told me... no, PLEADED with me not to grow my hair out fully, and to have it cut to an appropriate length for a guy, and I quote "so you don't look like you don't care about your appearance any more." ......... WTF? Of course I care about my appearance! That's why I'm doing it, coz I want to look nice, you dumb f*cking blonde! The next thing she said was, that if I did grow my hair out, I'd "look like a poof." [British slang for gay] Will this just got me SO pissed off - I nearly actually said out loud, "But I'm not doing it to look good as a guy, I'm doing it to look like a girl!" Which is 100%, without hesitation, completely and utterly true.

But this is my problem: People in my drab world will see the stupid looking, masculine version of Kimberly... after hours, I would be more feminine than I've been, ever. And I'd be more happy with my appearance. But no: ... SOCIETY SAYS NO.

You're a man = You can't have long hair. If you do, there's something wrong with you.

In response, there is not something wrong with me - I just don't want to be a stereotypical man, and draw out my feminine side!! Alright!?!

Certain comments today have appalled me. Whilst watching a film, the scene contained the man washing his penis in the bath, in preparation for a date. (Didn't see the penis, etc... was just for comedy value.) Someone asked, "Is he shaving his legs?!", in digust... What? So women can shave their legs and men can't? Why? What plausable reason can it not be so?? I just don't see the logic - I really don't.

So... I can't be who I want to be. I can't wear what I want to wear. And they call this a "free country." It's not free. We're never free: we will always be governed by the unwritten rules of the generic puplic, of society, that tell us we can do some things, whilst not doing others. If we break these rules, we face ridicule, prejudice and stereotype.

Just what kind of world is this?

Thoughts please.

xx :(

[Clare]

I hear your frustration.

Two sides of the fence in this reply.

The girl in college probably thinks you're a nice guy and wants to see a good looking man rather than a shabby one. Remember she doesn't know about Kimberly and your reasons for the 'change'.

More importantly, Kimberly needs to express herself and if that means some of her has to display in drab mode, well so be it. So what if you have naturally long hair (i wish i did)? Who should care if your nails are longer that socially acceptable for a man?

They are only little things that other shouldn't concern themselves with, but to Kimberly, they are a part of her persona and very important to the psyche.

Don't let other peoples opinions get to you - they are just that - opinions.

Christine

[DonnaT]

Kimberly, the only person stopping you is you. You seem to value other peoples' opinion of you more than you value your own true self.

You are free to choose how you want to live your life. I know a number of T-girls in the UK that live the way they want, go out dressed, work enfemme, etc.

You've got to decide whether you are going to live your life for you or for everyone else. Where are these other people going to be in, say, 5 years? Probably no where around you. But where are you going to be? Can't get away from yourself, can you!

Also, you're missing opportunities when replying to people like the girl you were talking about.

Hair, for example. Easy enough to say, "I like having long hair. There are lots of guys who have long hair. Instead of telling me to get it cut, maybe you could tell me how to take care of it better?"

Easy to reply to comments like Long hair makes you look like a poof. Ask them when was the last time they saw a poof with long hair. Most I've seen had short neatly kept hair, some even have buzz cuts. Gays do not make themselves feminine in apearance, that would turn off other guys.

[Sigrid]

Kimberly,

Donna made some good points. Long hair is completely normal, even fashionable for men. I'd never assume anything about the gender/sexuality of a man who wears his hair long.

I had let my hair go for the last several months and it was getting to be about shoulder length. Last week I looked in the mirror, decided it looked terrible and had it cut off. I wish now that I had just gone in and had it trimmed and styled, maybe have taken just an inch off. I'm sure it would have looked much better and I'd still have longish hair. (in retrospect, it's beginning to feel a bit like purging - seems like the right thing to do at the time, but very regretful after the fact)

I suggest you try this first, have it trimmed a bit just to clean it up. Unkempt long hair looks bad even on a GG.

~Sigrid

[Kimberly]

Just wanna say thank you for the sense that you've dealt me. You've made me sane again, and cured my terrible mood.

I was just frustrated at other people's lack of general acceptance in the world, and I feel particularly affected when these comments reflect typical female behaviour by a man.

Thank you especially to Donna. You're right: it is my hair, my life etc. I do care what people think to a certain extent - but I am in control... and the GG has her opinion and I have mine. She seems to think men are men and women are women... I don't, and experience the joy of the masculine and feminine cross-over every day.


I suggest you try this first, have it trimmed a bit just to clean it up. Unkempt long hair looks bad even on a GG.
This is the plan, Sigrid! I know I want it kept long, but I know it looks a bit of a mess now. Am yet to make the appointment girls.

Again, thank you. :)

[Ariel]

I am not sure bout the restraints in the UK, but my hair is a little past my shoulders, (yes, it needs to be manicured a little), and I have no intention of getting it cut for anyone. If I get it cut, it will be for me, I will make the choice. I want to make myself happy, because I have to live with myself, and not those in the town that I live in.

Hugs,
Ariel

[mand]

Kimberly you have my every sympathy, all of what you say I understand, it goes with the package of being Transgendered.
I grew up in such a rigid "males act in a certian way enviroment" and I played by their rules my parents, my friends, work mates, I tried to act the big hard man to keep them happy. However by keeping everyone else happy by being someone I wasn't I made my self unbelieviebly unhappy.
It got to the point were if I didn't start to live how I wanted to live, then I didn't want to live at all.
I have no answers for you Kimberly, except live you're life the way you want to, thats what I decided and it has worked out ok for me. Alright I'm a tranny to people but if I want to live as close as possible to a female role then it's something I have to put up with and people can either except me the way I am or not thats their problem.
Yes I do get fed up sometimes because I am seen as odd, different, wierd, or whatever people may think, but at last I have a peace of mind and I'am happy knowing I am living as I wish and not trying just to please others.


love mand xxx

[gender_blender]

I can identify with your frustrations as well. But gender stereotypes won't change unless there are an increase in the number of people who challenge these constructs.
One of the best things I did was challenge my male gender role on a daily basis in the public eye to varying degrees.


Charlie

[Kaye_martin]

...... Trapped by society, trapped by people's judgemental attitudes and trapped by the gender bias that exists within this western world!! ...... Thoughts please. xx :(

Kimberly: I guess you've never tried being a TV in the Middle East. Take it from me, it ain't easy. It can't be so bad in the UK, just do our own thing and to heck with everyone else.... easy to say I know, but hard to do. I know this isn't helping you but you know you could be in a worse place that's for sure.

kaye_martin