Who am I - A Lesbian?

[dolly]

i feel like girl all the time but i am only attracted to girls.

am i a lesbian? is it common? how do i develop relationship with girls as a girl?

please help.

[Alan]

Sexual orientation and gender identity are two different areas of the brain -- they think. There are a lot of theories going around exactly what is going on in the brain and how it happens, but most modern thinkers agree that it is biological. The theory I buy into is the hormone-bath theory: the idea that in the womb, around six weeks after conception, the brain gets the appropriate hormone bath. The brain -- in fact, the entire body -- is a female base and gets modified to male if the DNA is XY. Men get testosterone to turn the brain male. If you get insufficient amounts, strange things happen. Like transsexuality or homosexuality. It doesn't explain everything, but that doesn't really matter.

In any case, it's perfectly possible for you to be both a girl and attracted to them. It's *not* terribly common, but think about the numbers. Being a lesbian isn't very common. Being a transsexual is even less common. Being both is extremely uncommon.

If it helps, I'm an FTM -- I consider myself male and only male and hate my female body -- and I am a 4 on the Kinsey scale -- predominately homosexual with intermittent heterosexuality. I am attracted to both, just prefer men to women.

I'm sure there are others lurking about. Maybe they'll come out of the woodwork :D

About dating girls -- I have *never* figured this out, which sucks, 'cause I sometimes am attracted to them and have not a clue what to do. But I hear everyone is different and likes different things. :hugs:

[Jolene]

i feel like girl all the time but i am only attracted to girls.

am i a lesbian? is it common? how do i develop relationship with girls as a girl?

please help.

I feel much the same as you. Not sure what to think about all of it.

[Empress Lainie]

I never liked guys all my life, so now that I am a woman I am a lesbian. Trouble is GG's may not be so willing to take on a tranny. So my companion is another tranny.


Since I am not looking for anyone else, I just have fun flirting with the guys who hit on me (usually in their 20's and 30's, and dancing with both men and women and several couple who both dance with me.

I Know of one GG at the dance place that is actually jealous of me,

[dolly]

thank you alan for your thoughtful explanation. is it your own theory? are there any formal studies about it?

hi jolene,
thanks. how are you connecting with girls?

thanks for sharing your experience, lainie.

thank you alan for your thoughtful explanation. is it your own theory? are there any formal studies about it?

[Alan]

thank you alan for your thoughtful explanation. is it your own theory? are there any formal studies about it?

It's not my own theory. Idk about formal studies, but I read it in some psychologist's book. I just forget which one.

[CindyT]

I have much the same feelings! When you find an answer, Please let me know!
CindyT

[dolly]

will do Cindy.

[sterling12]

Yes, gender and sexuality are two different things.

Your gender tells you that your brain is female, and so is your personality at least part or all of the time. Your bod may be male but not your psyche.

So with that criteria, if you like Females, your a lesbian! Works the same way for our opposite numbers, if your like Capt. Lex and you liked women, you would be heterosexual. About a week ago, he corrected me about lumping transmen in with lesbians, it's possible, but it ain't necessarily so!

So the next time you see one of our sister's out in a bar picking up guys and you want to shake your finger and say, "That's a no-no." Your dead wrong, she's just being a card-carrying heterosexual; acceptable for membership in most any Church or PTA Group....I think!

Confusing, ain't it!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Empress Lainie]

http://www.docbushong.com/pubs/what_is_gender.asp
http://www.gires.org.uk/Text_Assets/ATypical_Gender_Development.

The above sites and treatise by Dr. Bushong is very helpful in understanding your gender and sexual preference two differenty things, not related in any way.

When I first read it I thought: "He could be writing about me."

And you are right Joanie. I can see myself becoming bi someday, but right now I am just a lezzie that likes to flirt with men.

[Laura_Stephens]

I very much identify as a lesbian. My wife is very straight so I don't have an opportunity to explore that.

[Bev06 GG]

Well when you have all finished working out the human psychi will you let me know. I think by trying to explain the unexplainable we can run around in circles and spend a lot of time and energy worrying about things that we can do very little about.
I know it is easy for me to say because I am comfortable both with my gender and my sexuality, but to be honest if I wasn't I dont think I would waste any time trying to discover the truth about something that leading experts are constantly debating and disagreeing on. I would just get on and enjoy what I did have. We are all very unique. I fancy a CD and live with him, I am constantly being asked by people if I am lesbian, I dont know, I seriously doubt it but to be honest who the hell cares.
Dolly regarding your question on how do you develop your relationship with a girl on girl. The only advice I can give you is be as honest and up front as you can be. It might take a while but I am sure you will find someone out there if your patient. And look at it this way, if you fancied otherr men would that make you homosexual? and so the debate goes on.
Take care my friend and dont tie yourself in knots, I am sure you are a beautiful human being who like the rest of us has a unique side to your personality. Celebrate it
Bev

[deja true]

Bev's a thousand percent right!

But first we've all gotta get over obsessing about the labels that we think might apply to us.

And it's annoying and self-defeating to be thinking about them in terms of "worrying".

"I'm worried that i'm a lesbian!" or "I'm scared I might be gay!"

What's the worry? Why scared? Are lesbians or gays or bi's or g-queers or androgynes any different or any less of a person than anyone else?

Accept that you are probably different somehow than your old high school buddies, different than those guys you served with in the navy, different than those clowns at work who are constantly making jokes about everybody else.

FFS! Worry about something important, like the price of oil, or how many more are gonna die in the Middle east, or whether these shoes go with that purse!

Just be who you're gonna be. Go where your heart leads you!

And support and love all your brothers and sisters in the world, gay, straight, bi, purple, and plaid!

[Kate Simmons]

Does it really matter Hon? The feelings and chemistry tell the story. Just be yourself and everything else will follow.:)

[Amy Hepker]

I am only sexually attracted to Females. I have male friends, but would not concider sex with any of them. I guess I am a Lesbian.

[MelindaHow]

Doctor says to the mother; " Mam I have to say, and the tests have confirmed,......... your son's a Heterosexual...."

Mother; "WHAT!!"
"I knew it! It's his fathers fault. The next time I see him I'm gonna beat his a$$!"
"I always figured something wasn't right with that boy."

[dolly]

Thanks Bev. very thoughtful insight.

[dolly]

thanks to all of you for your insight, advice and support.
love you.

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Oh let me confuse this a little more and through this senerio in....

What if you take a female who is totally male in appearence, action and thought and in body is female and she's into females...that ='s a lesbian right??? But what if she gets it on with a guy who's into being into the female role...and the "real" female takes on the male role...is it now a hetrosexual (role where she is the male and he's the female) relation???? In other words if you take two gay people and switch their primary biological gender and roles do you get a hetro-sexual couple????

Confusing??? absolutley.... interesting??? oh yeah!!!!

I don't have an answer on this one...jsut a situation that I was told about by one of the parties involved and I was asked that question..."What is the role" here? I couldn't asnswer it....

[katewithcurves]

I'll tell you how I feel personally. As a guy I am completely grossed out by the idea of being physical with a guy. When I get completely dressed up and in the mood I feel a very strong desire to give myself to a man. I want to make a gift of my body and provide the pleasure to a man that only a woman can but only when I am dressed enough to allow to believe, just for a moment that what I see dressed up is matched underneath the clothes. I want to be subservient, with respect, and give my love and affection for protection and his providership. I can't explain it, but as much as I love women's bodies I could give it up if I had the necessary equipment to make love to a man as a woman.

[dolly]

very interesting, sherry-stephanie.

[Alan]

The most useful piece of advice I have ever received about sexuality was this: Stop worrying about the shape of the body and start thinking instead about your feelings for the person in the body.

I have it lucky, I think, because I can see myself with a woman as easily as I can see myself with a man (now, you ask me to pick between Hugh Laurie and Angelina Jolie, I'd go Hugh Laurie no question, but that's irrelevant, because it has nothing to do with feelings).

Most people get so hung up on the 'Am I a lesbian?' 'Am I gay?' 'Am I straight?' 'Am I bi?' question that they don't realize that it's not that simple.

Most people are not gay, straight, or bi, because each implies a rigid, unchanging idea: that you will always like that. There are times I am more attracted to girls than guys, although usually I find guys more attractive. It's a fluid thing. Sexuality changes throughout your life, depending on where you are, what experiences you've had, etc.

I consider the 'am I [whatever sexuality]?' question very limited. Sex and sexual attraction are a component of love and overall attraction, but it's not everything.

Don't label yourself -- by labelling yourself, you stick yourself in a box. You start thinking that that's the only way to think, and it's hard to get out of that again (I used to think I was a lesbian... It was hard allowing myself to realize that I was attracted to men, too, after I labeled myself: LESBIAN).

My advice to people is always ACCEPTANCE, whether the person in question is someone else or YOU. Socrates shouldn't've said Know Thyself -- he should've said Love/Accept Thyself.

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

It doesn't matter if I'm in guy mode or in femme mode. I am very attracted to women and only women 100%.So I guess when I'm in femme mode,I'm a lesbian.


No offense,but being with another guy doesn't turn me on one bit.To each their own.

My wife always jokes with me saying that I'm probably a lesbian trapped in a man's body, to which there might be some truth.


Felicity :)

[jennifer24]

:thumbsup:KATE, That`s how I feel I would only make wuppie with a man if I`m totaly in femm, they don`t appeal to me when I`m a man at all. I love my woman trust me they are #1 on my list, I guess I consider myself BI, I have no problem with that. My dream would be to meet a female who is willing to except me for who I am, I would love to go out in public in femm with her, shopping etc. I would feel more free and relaxed to let my inner female out. :devil::devil: JENN

[karezza]

Hi Dolly, I appreciate your situation. Perhaps my experience will give you some perspective on how relationships evolve. When I met my wife she identified as a bi switch. I identified as straight and dominant, but I worshiped all things female and feminine. As our relationship evolved, it became clear that she is naturally dominant and I have a pronounced submissive side. When I finally submitted to her things really began to shift in our relationship. As I became more submissive, my feminine side blossomed and I became interested in crossdressing. At first this was a turnoff for my wife, but she accepted it. When she got a full-time female lover, she realized that she is primarily lesbian, and she finally understood my crossdressing: Of course it looks silly (at least on me), but it's about the feeling of femininity and a glimpse of what it is like to be in a woman's body.

Her lesbianism has shifted our lovemaking dramatically. She has taught me to make love to her like a woman. I must confess that lesbian sex is the best! It is so sensual and connected . But I am incredibly grateful that she lets me share in her joy and glimpse the ecstasy of lesbian sex.

So, my advice is to seek out women who are bi or lesbian-leaning. Approach them with respect and let them know you adore their feminine nature. If they appreciate your desire to worship and to serve them, and they accept you as a genetic male, you can be open about the fact you like to crossdress as an expression of your feminine side. "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." If you are lucky, a woman will appreciate both sides of your nature. If you love her like a woman she will be more attracted to you as a woman, and also more attracted to real women. If she loves you for who you are, she will understand why you dress. If you are really lucky, she will allow you to be a surrogate lesbian and share with you the subtle joys of real lesbian sex.

I know I may have found the needle in the haystack. Most lesbian-identified women have no desire to be bonded with a genetic male. But there are lesbian-leaning bi women who find fulfillment as a "married lesbian", just as there are men like us who find fulfillment as a "male lesbian". Of course, labels are silly and inaccurate. Be yourself, follow your feelings, be open, and let things evolve ....

Karezza

[dolly]

karezza, your advice is very thoughtful and sincere. let us hope that i will be lucky some day. i will follow your advice.
love.

thanks, karezza. i will try to follow your advice.
love.

[DanaR]

Over the years, many times while I'm out and talking to people outside of the community, the subject seems to always come up; are you gay?

Usually the way I'll answer this is like this: am I dressed like this to attract males, that answer is no, I like women so I must be a lesbian; does that make me gay? Usually they will have a confused look on there face and we'll continue talking about something else.

[crusadergirl]

I don't think it makes you a lesbian but i was thinking thats what i was also. Really who knows what to call a guy who dresses like a girl but likes only girls.

[dolly]

thanks friends for your comments on being a lesbian. i wanted to get advice on "how do i develop relationship with girls as a girl?"
any suggestions?

[RobertaFermina]

Dear Dollie,

IMJ part of your affliction is with Labels.
"The Map is NOT the Territory".

Labels help to manage communications at the cost of oversimplifying the things labelled.

It is fair to say that being a man who finds happiness dressing as a woman puts you beyond description by labels. there are more types of people who crossdress than 1, so crossdresser cannot describe all crossdressers. Q.E.D.

So accept yourself for whatever you do that comes from your instinct, reason, and heart. Find what happiness you can in being and loving who you are.

Accept your desires as true, and follow them in honest, sensible, and compassionate ways. Fulfill your desires to find what happiness you can in being with and loving those you desire, and embracing your desires.

Eventually you will come to a place where your desires and identity and mind and heart and instincts are at home, and find a more consistent happiness.

Whatever that looks like, you may be tempted to label.....please, please resist the temptation. Enjoy the Mystery and Genius of who and what you are.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[dolly]

dear friends,

many of you have provided profound insight. all (many) of you have suggested that labels do not matter; that i should be myself; that the things will happen and will work out.

i am in the process of moving out of my current relationship (nothing to do with CD). any suggestion on finding women who will accept me who i am (whatever the label)?

hope to learn and hear from you.

love to you all.

[Saralee]

I was just wondering about this also. I attracted to women completely. Yet, when I've been on this site I've been attracted to some of the avatars of men as women. Maybe some of the avatars really are pictures of real women. I don't really know all the time. If they weren't, they probably could have fooled me that they really were a woman. It feels strange to find a cd attractive as the female but yet knowing they are male. Yes and sometimes I like to feel girly but I don't know that I necesarilly need to dressed like a girl to enjoy the company of a genetic female. Yes, I have enjoyed wearing something feminine to feel my feminine side. It wouldn't be necessary for me to need to be in that role though.

I just like the traditional role of male and female straight relationships. I sure wouldn't mind her teasing me about trying things on and enjoying being feminine. I doubt that will ever happen. I could never bring it up and it's ok that it doesn't happen. I would be so happy to be in the company and friendship of a special female without the crossdressing. I don't understand why I enjoyed enjoyed thinking about wearing women's clothes. It wasn't to assume the role of a female so that a male would be attracted to me. I wanted the female to be attracted to me. No, I don't know where you could meet a female who would accept your crossdressing. It appears that some do though and maybe you will find one sometime that you can trust and share that with and she will be accepting. Didn't mean to be wordy...sorry..writing isn't one of my strong points.

[Jilmac]

No you're not a lesbian, you're a heterosexual male who is attracted to females. It's normal for you to think otherwise when you are en femme. I have been dressing since I was 15 and have always been attracted to females. I have never had any desire to be a fulltime girl but if I ever was, I would still be attracted to females because it's in my genes. Perhaps you are feeling like a lesbian because you want to be with a girl while you're en femme. I believe that you would only be a lesbian if you were to have a sex change because your genetic attraction to girls would still be a part of you.
Luv and :hugs: Jill

[dolly]

thanks, saralee and jill.

i am hoping that i will find someone who will be understanding. i will continue to share further developments.

love.

[Alan]

If you feel like a girl all the time, not just when you're en femme, that does sound like homosexuality.

However, I will say again that labelling isn't really worth it. More important is accepting that you are who you are, and loving yourself no matter what. And finding love, no matter what shape or form or gender it comes in.

[dolly]

thanks for the insight alan.
love.

[Valeria]

You know, to some degree everyone is right and labels are irrelevant. OTOH, some "labels" represent meaningful concepts that need to be explored. For instance, it is pretty important to determine if you identify as a woman and want to transition to being female and living as a woman, or if you prefer to remain legally and anatomically male and live as a part-time (or full-time) crossdresser (or if you are genderqueer, or any other possible permutation). In practice, the answer to this question tends to matter a lot to many potential mates. We may all be nominally bisexual, but in my experience most people have a preference.

FWIW, a decent percentage of trans females are lesbian (I'd guess roughly one-third, plus a contingent of bisexual and pansexual women), so it's not that rare. I know of quite a few trans females in long term relationships with lesbian-identified cis females, including myself.

Some lesbian women are fully accepting of their partner being a post-op trans female. A smaller percentage are accepting of their partner being pre-op, or even early in transition. However, few lesbians are interested in someone male-bodied who isn't transitioning to female. Contrariwise, few straight girls are interested in someone transitioning male to female. Few pretransition relationships survive transition if the sexual orientation of the transitioner's mate does not match the transitioner's target sex.

[karezza]

Kehleyr, thanks for the very insightful post. I agree with your assessment of orientation. I would just like to add that I know bi-identified women in long-term relationships with CD men who encourage the CD behavior and enjoy being make-believe lesbian lovers. They also enjoy hetero sex with their partner with varying degrees of frequency. Such a relationship would probably be ideal for many Crossdressers.

You are right, most lesbian-identified women are not sexually interested in a genetic male. They may desire a long-term relationship with one for other reasons, but the sexual component is different. I am in this kind of relationship, and we have found it to be remarkably fulfilling. It has required a significant shift in my sexual identity and self-image. Our emotional relationship is deeper and more tightly bonded. Sexual I am a "surrogate lesbian" but it is clear that my wife's true sexual fulfillment is with her female lover. Male CDs who are interested in taking this path must be prepared for this reality.

~Karezza




Some lesbian women are fully accepting of their partner being a post-op trans female. A smaller percentage are accepting of their partner being pre-op, or even early in transition. However, few lesbians are interested in someone male-bodied who isn't transitioning to female. Contrariwise, few straight girls are interested in someone transitioning male to female. Few pretransition relationships survive transition if the sexual orientation of the transitioner's mate does not match the transitioner's target sex.

[Claire3]

No labels or confusion at this end.Sometimes im a bloke,sometimes im Claire.Im attracted to women.Feel fine about who i am.:)

[dolly]

very interesting analysis kehleyr. thanks a lot.
love.