kellylynn_31
07-12-2008, 07:07 PM
Excuse me if I ramble.
Let me start by saying I am a very lucky person. I have an S/O who accepts the fact that I am a crossdresser and does not think I am some kind of freak. She has helped me in any way I ask and with the exception of the odd tiff we are very happily married.
Have been depressed lately seemed like the weight of the world was on our (S/O and I) shoulders. Trying to sell a house that is un-occupied still making mortgage on it and mortgage for house we moved to. Raising teenagers, work and all the trials and tribulations of life in general. Over the last few weeks have just been in a terrible funk. S/O has been concerned and trying to help in any way she could but just could not shake the blues.
Dressing time is limited with kids on summer break so there has been little relief for me which in turn makes mood swings more pronounced. As a means of trying to figure out what is going on in my head I bought a copy of Peggy Rudds book “Crossdressing with dignity” along with a couple more books. Well it spoke directly to me. I came to the conclusion last night that most of my problem is the self imposed guilt I have felt for years. As the book says I am not hurting anyone and I am a good person so why do I feel guilty for putting on a bra and watching TV on a relaxing day.
S/O and I had a long and some what intense talk today. Tears were shed and bare nerves exposed. During the conversation I told her I figured out what is the matter. If we look at pictures of our family I male mode never smile, pictures of Kelly very rarely have a smile. The problem is that for a very long time I have not liked myself. I have been feeling dirty, guilty and bad for years.
S/O had a hard time understanding how I could say that and thought that all the time I kept telling her I was happy I was lying to her. No I have never lied to her, I have been lying to myself for a long time. Thinking I was in total control of everything, when the fact is I am just along for the ride and I can either enjoy it or be mad at the world for keeping me down.
I have always been an advocate of taking responsibility for ones own actions. So I have resolved to be able to not only love but also like myself. All I can do is the best I can do. If that isn’t good enough for some then it’s their loss.
Sorry about the rambling post but it feels good to finally look in the mirror and actually not be totally embarrassed by who is looking back.
P.S. It has taken me this long to be able to say out loud to S/O that yes I am a crossdresser. Today was the first time I put a bra on in front of her instead of hiding and sneaking, believe it or not it was a huge step.
Kelly
Let me start by saying I am a very lucky person. I have an S/O who accepts the fact that I am a crossdresser and does not think I am some kind of freak. She has helped me in any way I ask and with the exception of the odd tiff we are very happily married.
Have been depressed lately seemed like the weight of the world was on our (S/O and I) shoulders. Trying to sell a house that is un-occupied still making mortgage on it and mortgage for house we moved to. Raising teenagers, work and all the trials and tribulations of life in general. Over the last few weeks have just been in a terrible funk. S/O has been concerned and trying to help in any way she could but just could not shake the blues.
Dressing time is limited with kids on summer break so there has been little relief for me which in turn makes mood swings more pronounced. As a means of trying to figure out what is going on in my head I bought a copy of Peggy Rudds book “Crossdressing with dignity” along with a couple more books. Well it spoke directly to me. I came to the conclusion last night that most of my problem is the self imposed guilt I have felt for years. As the book says I am not hurting anyone and I am a good person so why do I feel guilty for putting on a bra and watching TV on a relaxing day.
S/O and I had a long and some what intense talk today. Tears were shed and bare nerves exposed. During the conversation I told her I figured out what is the matter. If we look at pictures of our family I male mode never smile, pictures of Kelly very rarely have a smile. The problem is that for a very long time I have not liked myself. I have been feeling dirty, guilty and bad for years.
S/O had a hard time understanding how I could say that and thought that all the time I kept telling her I was happy I was lying to her. No I have never lied to her, I have been lying to myself for a long time. Thinking I was in total control of everything, when the fact is I am just along for the ride and I can either enjoy it or be mad at the world for keeping me down.
I have always been an advocate of taking responsibility for ones own actions. So I have resolved to be able to not only love but also like myself. All I can do is the best I can do. If that isn’t good enough for some then it’s their loss.
Sorry about the rambling post but it feels good to finally look in the mirror and actually not be totally embarrassed by who is looking back.
P.S. It has taken me this long to be able to say out loud to S/O that yes I am a crossdresser. Today was the first time I put a bra on in front of her instead of hiding and sneaking, believe it or not it was a huge step.
Kelly