How did you tell your SO?

[Pickle65]

My wife and I have been married for only about 2 years now, with a 15 month-old son, and to put it frankly, they are my world. I'd really like to tell my wife about dressing, and to include her in it, but I'm terrified. I love her more than anything, and don't want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I've been subtly dropping hints, like offering to wear her underwear if I don't so something she asks, to warm her up to it, but I'd really like to get it into the open between us. Anyone have any tips on how to go about this?

[Shelly Preston]

Hi There

I think you will find the link in my signature useful

It has lots of good advice on how to tell your wife

[Pattie O]

I have told my wife and discussed that Ive been doing this on and off all my life since the age of 4.She does not understand and feels that I am lying to her and myself and she has said why dont I tell the children if I think its so ok to be a CD.i,m finding this a real dilemma as she does not agree to me getting dressed and yet she wants me to out myself.I dont know whether this means the relationship is too far stretched to believe we can carry on especially now that Im doing things like shaving legs and chest,wearing under clothes to bed and dreaming about it 100% of the day.Ive found it all seems to be escalating but Im also afraid of losing my wife and the children.I love them all and think that if I had to make a choice then it would be to save my relationship BUT i cant see a way out-can anyone help??

[Angie G]

Went the unfair way around. I told her old her it wasn't fair girls can wear skirts in hot weather And guys can't when we got home she handed me a skirt to I put it on. and it went from there. About Not long after that she knew every thing I love that lady and don't dress outward on the weekends that her Husband time. :hugs:
Angie

[yms]

Lori and i had been together for about a year and we had begun talking about maybe getting married. I wrote her a letter which I gave to her and sat with her while she read it.

We had both been married before. She had no children and I had one, who was seven or eight at the time and lived with her mother part of the time.

I was pretty sure Lori would understand. I knew her to be that kind of person. Turns out I was right!

Here's the letter I wrote to her: Letter to a partner (http://www.yvonnesplace.net/yvonne/letter.htm)

Lori wrote this response: Sharing (http://www.yvonnesplace.net/partners/lori.htm)

If you decide to go through with this, I hope for the best for you.

[Jonianne]

Hi Pickle,

Always keep in mind that your wife and son "are (your) world". Rather than dropping hints, I think it would be best if you set up a time for open discussion with her. Also, I would not expect "to include her in it", that part turned my first wife off, I should have handled it much differently. Gone much more slower. Just let her know what the crossdressing means to you and assure her that you are still her man. She will probly have many questions and need much assurance. She will still not "understand" but hopefully she will continue to love you and be willing to hang in there with you. In time, work out compromises and allow her to have her boundries and respect them.

Who knows, she may be willing to take part of it with you in time, just don't expect that right off.

There are plenty of threads here dealing with this and hopefully you all can work it out.

Hugs,

[yms]

Hi Pickle,

Also, I would not expect "to include her in it", that part turned my first wife off, I should have handled it much differently. Gone much more slower.

Who knows, she may be willing to take part of it with you in time, just don't expect that right off.

Hugs,


Excellent advice!

[María José]

I think there are two parts in your question.

- To tell your wife about dressing. Is is the easiest part. It is just to tell something about you: I have been doing this for years, nothing will change in our relationship, I don´t demand anything form you but I want you know it. It is better to say is at home, alone and sitting in a chair. Thas is what I did. And be prepared to answer a lot of questions: are you gay? do you want to divorce? are you thinking about tansitioning?

- To include her in it. That is a different thing. May be she doesn´t want to be included. You have to talk about it and you must accept her decission.

[Sedona]

Always the tough question for us isn't it? First off, re-read the thread provided above by Super Mod Shelly.

My own personal experience/advice. I told my fiancee six months into our relationship. Three years later, she's cool with it, and as I don't care about going outside the house dressed, no problems.

Is it too late for you to tell? No. But, please do it sooner, rather than later. After the "are you gay?" and "Do you want a sex change?" questions, one of her next questions will be "why didn't you tell me sooner?"

How will you answer that? What if she trips across your clothes ten years from now? How would you answer that question then? Sooner, rather than later is the best time for "the talk."

Also, be honest with yourself about your "level" of CDing. Are you stay at home, or do you want to "go out" to clubs and such? Do you dress daily? Weekly? Rarely? Do you have any bisexual inclinations? She'll want to know these things, and if you fib about them, it'll come back to haunt you.

By all means, go slowly, very slowly, and best of luck! We're rooting for you!

[bridget thronton]

I finally sat down and told her about my needs. She expressed her concerns. Our relationship evolved from there to become even stronger.

[Katherine Bell]

The only thing I could possible add is when you do tell her, be prepared. She’ll be over whelmed, give her lots of free reign for a short while (and I do mean short, don’t let her bully you). She may react immediately or it may take days or weeks to fully take it all in. Have as much information for her as possible, but don’t push it on her, just have theses posts, books anything you can find available to her, when you have the talk have it on the table by you, reference the materials but don’t push them in her hands. When she’s ready it will provide much needed answers.

This is a long road ahead for both of you regardless of how she responds. Even if she’s a super woman wife and totally ok with it, she will have good and bad days just like you. I meet my partner dressed so that helped to know she liked to dress but dating a CD and having a life with one is very different. It’s take time, I’ve always been supportive of her, she’s still the love of my life wither she feels like a woman or man. Figuring out what I needed and wanted was much more complicated. It all evolves.

One other thing, it’s still a bit early and thankfully you have some time but I would highly recommend you dress and talk about being a CD from the beginning with your children. I say this from personal experience; I grew up in a strong, loving GLBT community/family as a child and am the better for it. When you are exposed to all of the rainbow life offers from the onset of childhood you are much less likely to judge others or think its wrong. Kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for.

[Emily Anderson]

I don't know quite how to say this, but I think the timing is not the best, with a young child and so many responsibilities to think about.

It's a bit of a catch-22 really, because it should have been addressed a long while ago, and yet to leave it a few years may just make things worse.

I would certainly be very clear with yourself on what exactly you want to get out of all this before you approach your wife.

I really think you need some solid GG input on this one.

[Deborah Jane]

My advice?...Don,t tell her...It ain,t worth the grief!!

It ended up costing me everything!!

[stevie b]

Finding the right time is very hard. I favour the use of a well written letter, it gives you time to express all your needs and anxieties and confusions with out someone butting in. This will give her time to read, digest and have some prepared questions for you. You might be able to negotiate some compromises to see how things work out. As much as we would like our partners to be involved it is not always possible.
Good luck.

[Bev06 GG]

One other thing, it’s still a bit early and thankfully you have some time but I would highly recommend you dress and talk about being a CD from the beginning with your children. I say this from personal experience; I grew up in a strong, loving GLBT community/family as a child and am the better for it. When you are exposed to all of the rainbow life offers from the onset of childhood you are much less likely to judge others or think its wrong. Kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for.

I know where your coming from Katherine, and your right children are very resilient accepting little individuals. However, families do not always adopt the same kind of innocent thinking. Even if the wife does accept and is OK with it, there is a very good chance that she wont want the children knowing for the simple reason they may in their innocence tell the wider family. That is of course unless you tell them not to and then they would question what was wrong with it and why does it have to be a secret. You were very fortunate as a child to be brought up in such a liberal environment, it would be lovely if it worked that way for all of us especially the CDs but it doesn't always pan out like that for most people.
Take care
Bev

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Pickle,
Well you know your wife better than any of us. Its only natural that you want to share such an important part of your personality with her, and I am sure that however, or whenever you choose to do it, you will be very mindful of her feelings.
I think the advice Shelly gave you to read the thread from Marla is good advice and to be honest I couldn't add anything to that. Good luck and hope that all goes well.
Take care
Bev

[Ruth]

This is a tough situation and one that all of us CDers who are in a close personal relationship (marriage or not) have to face and deal with. I wish there was rock solid advice we could give you but there isn't.
I told my wife after many years of marriage and it worked out just brilliantly: I am happier than I have ever been and our marriage is stronger than before. But that's us and I hesitate to say it would work the same for you.
Maybe counselling is the way forward. (On your own at first and then be guided by your counsellor on whether your wife should join the sessions.)

[DonnaT]

It was circuitous route for me. My newlywed wife complained about my hairy legs itching her at night. She threatened to shave them. I dared her and she did. That led to wearing pantyhose, then, not long after, to dressing for her. Seeing me dressed she gave me her wig to complete the picture, which I followed upon by applying makeup.

We had fun with it, until she asked me why I didn't mind dressing up. I told her I was transvestite (crossdresser wasn't used back then), and she looked up the word in the dictionary. It was equated with homosexuality in that damned dictionary, and that was a turning point.

It's been a roller-coaster ride ever since, but the twists and turns have mellowed out in the last few years, and she now accepts that I am trans and it won't go away.


I have told my wife and discussed that Ive been doing this on and off all my life since the age of 4.She does not understand and feels that I am lying to her and myself and she has said why dont I tell the children if I think its so ok to be a CD.i,m finding this a real dilemma as she does not agree to me getting dressed and yet she wants me to out myself.

It's your choice, but telling my kids helped her be more accepting, especially since they didn't have a problem with it, and she no longer had to worry about them catching me dressed.

[Carroll]

I said "i'm a cross dresser":D
She said "cool"

[Amy Hepker]

I am sorry you did not find this website before you got married, because now you are in a pickle. Especially with having a young one around. I read through the responses here and I think they could all be right.

I would say that you should have told her before you married her, but it is to late for that now. So, I would take it real slow, the suttle hints may work. I like what Angie said though about how she did it. You are treading on very thin Ice, and I hope everything works out for you and not the way it did for Deborah Jane. Test the ground before you step on it and then do not step to hard or fast or you may find that things can go wrong in a big hurry.

[kayfan]

My advice?...Don,t tell her...It ain,t worth the grief!!

It ended up costing me everything!!

I go with Debs.......cost me everything and i do everything for her now so
she never tells kids....they not old enough to understand.....and i bet their mates would not be if they ever found out ???????

[Pickle65]

I dont really do it all that often, and really have no desire to go out dressed or anything. The ideal situation (long shot, I know, right?) would be just something that me and her do in our bedroom, behind a closed door.

She's away with her sister right now visiting family, so I guess that's what got me to thinking.

I do appreciate all the advice though, and that post that you linked at the beginning was actually really helpful. I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do, but it definitely helps to know I'm not the only one who's had to do this.

[Holly]

Pickle, I'm another who has told my wife and we have survived. It was shortly after I joined this forum... I had posted some things that were really on my heart. When my wife got home from work, I sat her down in front of the computer and asked her to read the post. After she read it, she said, "So?" I said to her, "Honey, that's me... I wrote that." We talked about it for awhile. In the end, she said, "Well, if you are going to do this, you are going to do it right... proper clothes, proper makeup, proper deportment." Naturally I had no issues agreeing to those terms.

Now I'm not suggesting that this will work for you, but it did for me. My thoughts and feelings were written out so I knew that I had touched on all that I wanted to say, and although my wife didn't read many of the other posts that day, just her seeing that there were other people doing something similar to what I was doing gave it a bit more validity and made me seem less "unusual."

I hope it works out well for both of you.

[Joann0830]

Lori and i had been together for about a year and we had begun talking about maybe getting married. I wrote her a letter which I gave to her and sat with her while she read it.

We had both been married before. She had no children and I had one, who was seven or eight at the time and lived with her mother part of the time.

I was pretty sure Lori would understand. I knew her to be that kind of person. Turns out I was right!

Here's the letter I wrote to her: Letter to a partner (http://www.yvonnesplace.net/yvonne/letter.htm)

Lori wrote this response: Sharing (http://www.yvonnesplace.net/partners/lori.htm)

If you decide to go through with this, I hope for the best for you.

Pickles When my Lovely Wife was alive I also went the exact way that Yvonne did, I went with a letter of explanation and of course I stayed there so that if there were questions or anything else, Iwould be able to explain and help her to try and understand, but I also made it a point to explain to her that I was telling her all this as she is my Wife, My Lover, My Best Friend and My Confidant, where as I could never ever tell this to anyone except her.
I Then explained that this was inside me since I was a child. I then explained
That I have no ambitions of becoming a woman nor do I want to be with a man and emphasized that I was not Gay or Bi. I told her that I Love woman and that she was the only one for me. The rest of Yvonnes Letter could help you out. I do applaud you for what you are going to do and wish you the Very Best and I will say a prayer for you also. Give a Kiss to the Baby from me
and go for it and tell her and explain that you will do anthing to help her undersatnd this more:love:. Joanne0830

Catherine Bell GG is a Very Wise Lady and it could also help your spouse in undersatnding

[AKAMichelle]

My advice?...Don,t tell her...It ain,t worth the grief!!

It ended up costing me everything!!

The costs may be high, but you must remember one thing. What kind of a person are you going to be if you hide parts of yourself along the way. Either you will tell your wife the truth and everything will work out or you will begin to destroy your marriage by each secret you keep. It is going to be easier for her to accept you telling her than it would be with her finding you wearing a dress one day. Nothing will shock her like catching you all dressed up. We always get caught either by the clothes we hide or the ones we have on. :D

I kept the secrets for 25 years. She didn't understand or accept. If I had told her originally then I might have been able to fix the honesty problem and some of the other issues which doomed our marriage. Instead I had a secret which I hide and pulled away from my wife dooming my marriage. CD'ing didn't destroy my marriage - I did by keeping secrets. You have nothing to be ashamed of so tell her. It won't be easy, but it is still better than having secrets between the two of you.

[kym]

My advice?...Don,t tell her...It ain,t worth the grief!!

It ended up costing me everything!!
with that said deb, i lost my marriage due to that but i found a better partner in life in the long run and i told this one upfront, her reaction? " i love you for you and you look pretty darn good in a dress and heels."

[sissycatherine]

I've only told two women that I dress (an ex-girlfriend and my current wife) and I used the same explanation, which they both completely understood and accepted. First, I explained to them that there are girls who are "tomboys" and who like "guy things" and that society treats that as perfectly acceptable. I explained to them that the flip side of that coin is that there are guys who are in touch with their feminine side and who enjoy doing "girl things" but society isn't as accepting of these "tomgirls". I said since I was a little boy I've always related with girls and enjoyed doing things considered to be "girl things" and, therefore, I considered myself a "tomgirl". I used this explanation before I was married and then I didn't immediately jump in to dressing fully. I only wore panties at first and once both of them were comfortable with my dressing did I progress from there. Obviously, as several others have stated, you have a lot more to lose being married with a young child. Because you are now married, it probably wouldn't hurt to check out her feelings on CD'ing by watching movies where CD'ing is a central theme to see how she reacts and to also start participating with her when she does "girl things". Maybe the "tomboy" and "tomgirl" logic might then work if she sees you enjoy the same things she does. Good luck!

[Pickle65]

Normally, my situation wouldn't be the best. She was brought up in a traditional religious home, and kind of views all CD's as gay. However, I think we have a unique relationship in that we really don't agree on a whole lot. the basis for us has always been that we just care about each other very much, and want to be there for each other, regardless of any personal differences.

I really think this will be a long process of warming her up to the idea, probably making her think that it's her idea.

I appreciate you all so much for helping me out though. I can't tell you how good it feels to know I'm not the only one who's had to do something like this.

[Jilmac]

After I met my SO we had dated a few times and also had become intimate. I didn't want to hide anything from her so I came right out and told her. I thought she would head for the hills but instead she became interested in my lifestyle and started asking questions about it. I told her that crossdressing was a part of me and I doubtet it would ever change. I guess she decided that I was worth sticking it out for because she is with me as I type this. She has also joined the forum and is getting more involved in the lifestyle. Although She is not ready to meet Jill yet I am grateful that she has accepted her and is working toward a loving non judgemental relationship with me. Luv and :hugs: Jill

[Lisa O]

I indirectly told my wife about 7 years ago (married 21 years) when I asked for pantyhose for Christmas - she bought them (wrong size!!!) and since I wore those and lots of other stuff since then, she rarely comments. There isn't any participation but I am not sure I want that. Even this morning she commented that she hates long satin nighties as they bunch up on her. Don't seem to on me!!:)

I wasn't dressing much before I told her as it was more a lingerie fetish thing. If she had reacted badly, I was prepared to drop letting her know. Would I have carried on? Sure, not sure I want to stop, but it is not dependent on her knowing and/or supporting.

My wife treats it as just clothing. However, I am certain she wouldn't react much to me explaining the emotional satisfaction I get from it. My children haven't indicated they know (they are 12 and 13) but there ain't much "Dad" underwear about!

It was that initial lack of negative reaction that was encouraging but I certainly haven't gone over the top on this and it is really only now that I think I am ready for make-up and hair (God, any hair would be nice again!!)

Back to you...given you are not out there with dressing (so far), if you say something, what are you prepared to do if the reaction is negative? Relationship ending negative or just "ew yuck"? If it isn't that important to you for her to know, I am most likely with the others - say nothing.

My wife and I had been together for about 20 years when the Christmas thing happened. There was a lot of trust and fun in the idea - she was curious what I wanted them for hence the size issue! I wear something fem every day since then without comment but that may not be the usual reaction.

Please take care with this.

[Pickle65]

Well, an update seems in order.

My wife got home from her trip a couple days ago, and I while we were talking and what not on the drive home from her sisters house, I told her that I'd had the fantasy of her making me look like a girl, and then us doing the husband/wife thing (/wink). I'm so lucky to have a wife that loves me. She basically said that it would be weird for her, and there'd probably be a lot of humor and pictures going on while we did it, but that it's something we just might do.

I've been pretty happy since I told her. This was all I wanted to begin with. I really don't have any desire to go out, or go full time as a woman, or even part time. I just wanted it to be something between me and my wife that stays in our bedroom, and it looks to be heading that way. I guess saying I've been pretty happy doesn't encompass it. I'm ecstatic! :D

I'm very blessed to have a wife that loves me and will love me no matter what.

Thanks again for all the advice and well wishes, it definitely helped me get the courage up to ay something.

[Harley Quinn]

Congratulations on getting it out there, Pickle. :)

As far as how I told my S/O?

Well, that's the thing. I didn't so much tell her as it just sort of happened. Three years ago we were up late talking about things we liked and it came up that she wanted to just totally doll a guy up, and in the interest of not making this post graphic, do things to him. The idea appealed to me, so we tried it out. I used a pair of her lacy pink panties and bra and we had a great time.

I really enjoyed it a lot, she enjoyed it a lot, and since then it's just been steadily evolving. It all made sense and I felt right when dressed up. The more we talked, the more things I realized and, well, here I am. We're still together and still have a very strong relationship. She accepts everything about me and I accept everything about her, despite how odd we both can be.

So, I guess in a way she told me that I was a cross-dresser :P