trust issues with the girlfriend

[gagirl1]

so i told my gf about my dressing almost 4 months ago, and from that point since she's been not only supportive, but willing to help. after she told a close friend (which i understand) without telling me first, i told her to ask me before telling anyone else. since then she has told 2 people without letting me know. family members. i'm upset b/c she violated my trust and went around my back. now i'm the weirdo crossdresser before i even meet these family members. am i right in being mad? i don't know how far this will spread and since i'm just getting started dressing, so i don't want to be outed before i'm ready. i told her to talk to our pastor, who is a very understanding man (a recovered coke addict who has dedicated his life to helping people for the last 10 years) and maybe he can help her understand why i am so upset. she has been looking for someone to talk to about my dressing and i think this is the best possible person that we can both trust. am i right to be angry? am i doing this right? trust is a big thing with me and i don't know if i can see her anymore b/c i can't trust her anymore. any advice? i'm mostly venting but i would like some help here. thank you, it would be greatly appreciated.

-gagirl1

[StephanieH]

I love it! If you've got an understanding pastor, that's where you'll both get the best counsel on this. Do you have a right to be angry? Of course you do, but she has to realize what she's done wrong and why you're angry to prevent this from occurring again and causing further problems.

You trusted her with something very private in your life and then she told you she would keep that secret with you, then she blabbed it all over the place. Now, yes, you're the one who's already placed into stereotypes before you even meet people. Definitely her bad.

Hope all works out, take care and God bless! :D

[gagirl1]

well, the pastor is understanding, but i don't know how much. i am sure that he will set her straight, however, no matter what the outcome. she is a troubled person with a very checkered past and i want her to move on from that. i have no problem taking the fall for this as long as she learns the right lesson and becomes a better person. i know i will have something to answer to as well, but to me, it's worth it.

[valenstein]

First, this is not advice I necessarily suggest you take, it was my initial reaction to what I felt had I been in your place. I would have asked her if she minded that I show up at her family's place completely dressed up. I'm sure it would make her uncomfortable, and I would have to reply that having told someone without my permission has put me in that same situation. I wouldn't have said it in a mean way, only in a way for her to see my situation.

[gagirl1]

to be honest, we haven't been together long enough for me to work out such a breach of trust. when i get back to the states i plan on ending it. i feel like i'm about to enter a world of confusion, drama, and general country southern misunderstanding. all that on top of a girlfriend i can't trust. no thanks.

[Ashley Lyn]

Not sure 'why' she would want to tell others about her 'boyfriend who wears dresses'..:sad: The furthest thing from my supportive DW's mind, would be to let anyone know I 'dress'...:eek:

If your gf is comfy with you fully dressed while in her company, and the company of her family, I would consider that a plus, but wonder if she would consider that!:) If so, she may just be hoping that her family will be accepting as well..:battingeyelashes: Good luck..!

[AKAMichelle]

First, this is not advice I necessarily suggest you take, it was my initial reaction to what I felt had I been in your place. I would have asked her if she minded that I show up at her family's place completely dressed up. I'm sure it would make her uncomfortable, and I would have to reply that having told someone without my permission has put me in that same situation. I wouldn't have said it in a mean way, only in a way for her to see my situation.

I like this. The hard thing about telling a GF about your crossdressing is the fact that we dump a heavy load on her and limit her ability to get help. That's very hard on her.

She definitely needs to understand the normal acceptance of CD'ing by society. While she may accept it, most of society doesn't. Telling the wrong person can have an adverse affect on everything that you do. Ultimately you could me the one hurt for being honest.

I'm glad you told her because now you are one of the lucky ones. The CD'ers who may find someone who truly accepts them for who they are. You go girl!

Michelle

[gagirl1]

I like this. The hard thing about telling a GF about your crossdressing is the fact that we dump a heavy load on her and limit her ability to get help. That's very hard on her.


i agree completely. i thought she was ok with it until now. that's why this is a shock.



Telling the wrong person can have an adverse affect on everything that you do. Ultimately you could me the one hurt for being honest.


Michelle

that is the point i'm trying to make. that she can't just go and advertise something like this. our pastor will make that point very clear, even if it's on accident. he will most likely flip his lid, calm down, and try to understand. but the flipping the lid part is what i'm after. i want her to see how socially unacceptable crossdressing is and that my life is not going to be ****ed with.

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

My wife is very supportive of my CDing and I know she would never tell anyone.


Hopefully your Pastor will help the both of you get things straighten out. You also have every right to be angry with her. You confided something special to her and then blabbed it to friends and family without asking you.

If she confided something to you and you went blabbing it without asking her, I'm pretty sure she would be very angry at you.

Anyway,best of luck on working things out and God Bless.

Felicity :)

[Jamie001]

Even if she tells a lot of people, this could be considered a very positive step because you are now more "out" and can just be yourself. That is certainly another way to look at it. As long as you don't CD at work, then it shouldn't be a problem.



I like this. The hard thing about telling a GF about your crossdressing is the fact that we dump a heavy load on her and limit her ability to get help. That's very hard on her.

She definitely needs to understand the normal acceptance of CD'ing by society. While she may accept it, most of society doesn't. Telling the wrong person can have an adverse affect on everything that you do. Ultimately you could me the one hurt for being honest.

I'm glad you told her because now you are one of the lucky ones. The CD'ers who may find someone who truly accepts them for who they are. You go girl!

Michelle

[gagirl1]

yeah, this halloween i'm going all out. we had planned on doing it together but i don't want to do it with her anymore. i had planned on going out dressed in atlanta anyways, and i'm hoping i can find a party or club that i can do it at. if not, i can always go home. i've had friends of mine dress up as a joke and i can always pass it off as that. i'll be much better looking, but that doesn't mean i can't do it. i'm gonna wait it out and see how things go from here. at the most she will be a friend who i dress around. thanks for all the advice everyone! i really appreciate it.

[xdress2lady]

Hi gagirl1;

I had the exact same thing happen to me but a little more extreme.

I told my GF about being a CD after about 2 months of dating. She didn't say much until about 1 year later , after we were married. She was nervous about me and she tells her folks about it!!!:eek: Then her folks tell her sibblings, and, because they all think I am a freak or something now; call up my parents and tell them... who then tell my sibblings. :eek: So then my inlaws tried to organize an "intervention" to which my folks don't show up to, (which I later find out due to them thinking it's none of anyones business!!) and my in-laws then have the hate on for my folks because they felt they must not care about me. :doh: I did sit down with her folks later on and try to explain but I don't think they got the whole picture. THEN they do some research about CDs and find out that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with me and this is not a mental derangement or something. ( why didn;t they do that in the first place) I ended up seeing a therapist for a few months who also said I was just fine and that, like my folks said IS NONE OF ANYONES BUSINESS!!. And actually, he told me in some cultures it is a blessing to be a CD, as they see us as having the "powers from both sexes". How true eh? People are so closed minded to these things. :sad:

Anyway that was 6 years ago and I am still married to her and things are much better. I have no idea how many people know now but I don't care anymore anyway. She is supportive and helps me with becoming my "female" self.

There was however one thing that I think helped us with this ordeal. It was that I promised my wife that "I am still your man, the guy you married, and I am not ever changing that!! I will be your man when you need me to kill spiders, take out the trash, or change your tire. And I love EVERYTHING about being that man for you because you are so wonderful to me. I just have some extra benefits that most guys never will!! :daydreaming:

I told her that 6 years ago and I have been PROVING that to her daily ever since.

Hope this helps you and your GF and remember, "it takes more of a man to act like a woman. and only weak children point fun at people who are different!!"


best of luck;


Josie

[Emily Anderson]

I think you have every right to be upset about it, but you must also understand that there are no rules/regulations/laws that prevent her from telling everyone she knows/meets.

The best you can do is to let her know how you feel about it, and hope that she respects you enough to not keep telling people that you would prefer not to know.

[ReineD]

I understand your frustration and anger over being outed before you are ready. It is after all your prerogative to do this, not hers.

Could it be that aspects of the situation are more than she can handle, and she is looking for someone to talk to other than you? Would you consider suggesting that she become a member here? After ten posts she can join the F.A.B forum. It is a safe place to process any concerns she may have.

:hugs:

[Nicole Erin]

Gagirl1 -

Get out of this relationship before it is too late.
She is just some girlfriend right? Not living with you, not knocked up with your kid or anything? If she is not then you owe her *nothing*, not even respect. Some might say or think "but this is some supportive G/F and morally you should... and you don't want to hurt her..." Well to heck with that crap. Women have NO problems dumping men, sometimes over something so lame as a text message [can you say "tacky"?]

A girlfriend or boyfriend means nothing.

You are worried she might tell or spread the word? Well she is going to do that either way. The benefit of breaking up is she won't learn anything else about you and when people ask, you can always deny dressing if you are not ready to be out.

If you truely want to be with this woman, it is your choice but if you want out, get out. Do not live with her, do not get her knocked up, don't sign any legal papers with her [like loan documents] do not give her the keys to your home...

Right now it is easy to escape. Don't fall for tears or any crap like that.

Oh and for God's sake don't introduce her into your private circle of GLBT friends [or any other circle you are in].

[gagirl1]

i know she needs someone to talk to, i just don't want it to be here. this forum is kinda my sanctuary, a place for me to find peace. it's not that i'm selfish, but i know she will make waves with most people here. I have never really trusted her and didn't want it to go much farther than friends with benefits. I guess now I have my reason. I feel like a piece of shit about the way it's gone, but I am not wrong in judging her. I am just very indecisive and finally found a good reason to do so. I do not like to drop people on a whim. I have had trust problems with her before, but not like this. And I am no saint. I have not been faithful while out of the country. I have been here two months and have only fooled around twice (read, sex once, kissed once). There are many issues to be resolved between me and her, but i feel this is different. Yes, cheating is a terrrible thing to do. I know that. And I guess I'm being very selfish here. I know I have no way to say "I was honest with you" because I wasn't. To me, though, this is different. Coming out as a crossdresser and saying I've cheated are 2 entirely different things. I will tell her when I get back, we have been putting on that conversation until we are face to face, but I don't know. I guess I finally know how it feels to be betrayed.

[SexyLexi_cd]

I agree with the previous reply, get out! She'll ruin your life. I told my ex-GF, only because I felt I had to tell someone and she told all of her friends, no consequence to me, but she did it! I never thought she would but she did! You can't trust anyone honey!

lexi

[KarenCDFL]

Time to move on. Your GF is an accident just waiting to happen.

[DonnaT]

Yes, you have a right to be upset. She did break a trust. But if you love her, and she loves you, there's no need for anger.

Some people are just open with their life.


now i'm the weirdo crossdresser before i even meet these family members

How do you know they will think of you as a weirdo? Maybe they are as accepting as she appeared to be.

I told my wife she could talk to whomever she wanted. I'm not ashamed for being trans. I was born this way. The only person that matters is my wife. If she feels comfortable enough to talk to others, so am I. If they have a problem, big deal, as they don't matter to me anyway.

Don't be afraid to own who you are.

[RobertaFermina]

GaGirl,

Give her what you want.

Trust her to hear what you are telling us....you don't know if you can be with her since you cannot be sure you can trust her.

Tell her you want to understand her better so you can re-establish Trust with her. Ask her what compelled her to tell two more people?

Let her know you really want to know, since you believe she would not betray your trust unless she had a deep emotional need driving her need to communicate with others and disclose.

Every crisis enfolds an opportunity to become closer and more trusting. Treat her like you would want to be treated, had you done what she did.

My best wishes are with you.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[gagirl1]

we just had a big fight over instant messagin ( i'm in japan right now and she is in GA, USA. I cheated on her so I deserve to be treated like a piece of sh*t. I ****ed up. My confusion comes from balancing her lie about outing me and me being a f*ckhead boyriend. how do i quell this situation?? she is a good person and i want to be.

[Di]

At first I was outraged...no one has the right to share this info with others unless you both agree...BUT THE PLOT THICKENS...
we just had a big fight over instant messagin ( i'm in japan right now and she is in GA, USA. I cheated on her so I deserve to be treated like a piece of sh*t. I ****ed up. My confusion comes from balancing her lie about outing me and me being a f*ckhead boyriend. how do i quell this situation?? she is a good person and i want to be.

Sounds more like He!! has no fury than a woman scorned...you two need to TALK.....sounds like she doesn't trust you either...Talk get this sorted. :hugs:

ps not saying this is right ...it isn't...... but might be a bit of her trying to hurt you back.
Talk work it out

[ReineD]

When I read your first post I understood the two of you to be in a relationship with some potential. Then after reading your second post it sounded as if you did not intend the relationship to go beyond "casual with benefits", plus it was troubled with trust issues on both sides.

But, then you said this:

My confusion comes from balancing her lie about outing me and me being a f*ckhead boyriend. how do i quell this situation?? she is a good person and i want to be.

Did she tell the family members about you while you were on the extended visit out of the country? And how did she lie?

Now I'm back to believing that she simply wanted to talk to someone while you were gone. It also sounds as if you might want to stay in the relationship? It is hard to settle these things over emails and texting. Will you see her soon?

Also, you might want to reconsider telling her (or any future girlfriend) about this site IF you feel the relationship has potential. If she is as supportive as you say, then she will not judge your posts. Forgive me if this does not apply, but are there aspects of CDing you do not want her to know about? Not telling her the truth will worsen the trust issues between you. Or, if you are concerned she will get freaked out by reading other posts here that do not apply to your situation, I am sure she will eventually read them on her own elsewhere. If you are both members here it can open up communication. And there is a private GM forum for you to post issues you do want to keep private.

My CDSO :<3: often speaks of having internal vs. external fears. Please do not let your own fears (which we all have, but over different issues) get in the way of not bringing a promising relationship to its full potential.

Only you know if the relationship is worth it.
:hugs:

[Sandra]

Well she was wrong telling people without talking to you first about it.




to be honest, we haven't been together long enough for me to work out such a breach of trust. when i get back to the states i plan on ending it.



I have never really trusted her and didn't want it to go much farther than friends with benefits

Why wait or are you hoping for more of the benefits like you said here?

Again we are only hearing one side of the story and again I will say she shouldn't have told any one, and if you don't trust her why are you still with her? and after cheating I doubt she trusts you.