A Curse or A Gift ????

[mand]

How do you see this whole TG lark?
Do you feel as though you have been blessed and it is a gift that enables you to enjoy and appreciate the feminine side that a lot of males will never know or enjoy? or...................

Do you feel as though it is some sort of dammed cruse that has been given you (through no fault of you're own) to make you're life as misserable and difficult as possible?

I usually feel as though it is a gift in that I can enjoy, feel and appreciate the nicer things in life that other men will never know or understand.
However I have my moments usually bought on by jealousy of real girls and their lifestyle they can lead without worry of being ridiculed for it. Last night I got really depressed about it all and felt like chucking myself under a bus, but I got a little drunk and chatted to a girl on here and I woke up this morning feeling rather a bit silly about it, but thats how it goes for me.

love mand xxx

[Wendy me]

yes....sometimes.....and yes been there....

ok yes i have realy enjoyed this whole part of this cding thing at times like a gift and at times a curse well don't get me wrong i love this side of my best i think ....good god i can't wait to be wendy every day ,,dressing her....hair...make up ...and lets not forget abought shopping .... yes wendy is and i hope will forever be just who i am.....

now the curse ????good god yes .... and what is so mind bogglogling is how could something that brings so mutch joy and makes me feel so complete ....cause so mutch
pain , guilt and sometimes shame???? make me hide things and lead a screate life like i was doing someting so wrong when all i ever feelt it was so right so me//?????

and that whole gg thingy yes sometimes i feel that it's just so not fair me stuck some wear between this place i go to be me and the wall that blocks me from what i can never have........

something like this????

[Jan W]

Mand,

Absolute gift!

Love every aspect.

[Clare]

When i was a teenager and just discovering my cd/tv tendancies, i was confused and concerned about my 'perversion'. Yes i thought it was a terrible curse and that one day i would get caught and it would ruin my life forever.

But that was in the '70s and cd/ts was a hidden thing in society. In fact, around the same time in my birth town, a man was bashed to death because he was found wearing womans clothing by a bunch of men and was 'dealt with'. The killers were never caught.

However, during my 20's, I went through the accept/reject stages constantly which felt like a relief/curse roundabout.

In my thirties, i tried to suppress my cd tendancies as I met a special gg who i fell in love with (and had a little boy God bless him). However that relationship recently failed - a small chance we'll get back together though.

After she left, i registered to this site and now i'm going through the 'gift' stage and i hope i can maintain the momentum. I have to start up a whole new wardrobe and get back into practice!

I guess what i'm saying is that your view on gift or curse depends on your situation - one which can change over time.

Christine

[Melissa A.]

Yes, time and circumstances, as well as maturity, have done the same for me. Since deciding that this is me, and no one will ever again make me uncomfortable about me, Every aspect of my life has changed dramatically.Took a long time, though.

That's the big picture. The way you are wording it, mand, I would have to say no, because of what I wrote above, the feeling of being burdened has simply gone away. I am in a relationship with an accepting GG, but it is long distance right now, and we are having our difficulties because of that. I have accepted that if I find myself single again, finding a mate will be a challenge, one I wouldn't have if I went back in the closet, but that simply is not acceptable anymore. I really have thought about it alot, and I would rather be all of me alone than live as a liar again, with someone.

So no, I don't feel cursed anymore(time was when I most definitely did) and I do feel so lucky to be able to experience being a female. The part of me that is Melissa makes me a better person overall, especially now that she has been freed.

The two occasional drawbacks are firstly, what you mentioned, mand-Yeah, I do get jealous of GGs sometimes, and just want to be accepted as one of the girls, even though I love my male life too. Secondly, being a cd can be time consuming and hard work. Sometimes, I just don't have the time or energy for it. But both those feelings are usually fleeting. Thanks for the thread, mand. I think the things you brought up are feelings most cds can relate to, in one way or another. Look foward to hearing more responses.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Priscilla1018]

Until I joined this site I thought it was a curse.After joining and discovering my Priscilla side which was in the closet I have come to see it as a blessing.For me Priscilla is the creative one,the one who paints,is into photography,who grows lots of flowers and arranges them.Priscilla also cares about others and has lost all predjudice.I love being able to be gentle and helping others.I still have some problems with my male side but am working on making Him more like Priscilla.Being a CD is definately a blessing.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

[Sharon]

I have good days, and I have bad days, but I don't think I ever really feel as if it's a curse or a gift. It's just a matter of fact that I am what I am and I deal with it to the best of my abilities. Fortunately, there are many more good days than bad lately.
I love living the life when I feel unencumbered by outside influences. It's when I feel these pressures that I become withdrawn or sullen, but I don't ever see it as a curse, or at least not since my teen years. It's as if I was born with some sort of physical abnormality -- I would hope to just find a way to accept it and get the rest of the world to see me beyond the obvious.

[DonnaT]

I think of it mostly as a gift, even through the rough times with my wife.

[Ariel]

I'm not sure either way. I love being Ariel, and look forward to it, but I don't dislike my male side, either. I don't feel as though I have to dress, more like choose to. The fact that as Ariel, I am not hendered by the "macho" expectations, is a relief, and at times a refuge. In that it is not generally accepted, it is a henderance, for sure, but I don't think of it as a curse. Just something else to deal with..... as best as I can. :)

Hugs and best wishes,
Ariel

[Fiona K]

I have my moments trying to decide which it is Mand,
Like most TG people I think, the jealosy of GGs is a definite trigger- I am green eyed cow sometimes- but as my wife has become more accepting of me I am just so happy to be me- most of the time it's a blessing.

Fiona
xx

[Tristen Cox]

A gifted curse perhaps. I feel very much trapped and yet I can appreciate that this allows me no limits like other males have. I can cross(pardon the pun) over and back anytime I want, inside or out. Why do I hate it so much? Because I can never stay that way for long, or become fully what I want to be. It does seem like and illusionary creation most of the time, or rather like playing a part in a show. But which side am I acting and which is real? I wonder sometimes. All part of the fun isn't it :rolleyes:

[lisa_sf]

Mand, it is most certainly a gift... as are you... :)

[Katrina]

Hmmm...I'm going to have to go with both. I have gone through stages where I thought it was a curse - why couldn't I just be like a "normal" guy, but that's not me. After I divorced my ex, I started to accept myself and started to enjoy it much more. My GF, while not thrilled about it, also likes the benefits of me not complaining when she spends lots of time at the Clinique counter or having to "twist" my arm to go shoe shopping. Yeah right...I'm not sure which one of us loves shoe shopping more. Plus, shopping is much more fun now...

[Kimberly]

Being a CD allows me to empathise with women a lot more, and be much more caring and understanding than I would have been otherwise.

I believe that as a CD I have a stronger feminine side, and so am able to be more compassionate in life. This is the basis for more of less everything I want to do:

To act - A lot of empathy and psychological understanding involved in that.

To love - I believe I am much more compassionate than most of the guys I know, (I know I'm generalising,) but in the worst cases they are nothing more than using women for personal gain and pleasure... I want to stear well away from that!

To respect - Without my strong fem side, I don't think I would have formed the opinions and compassionate ideology I hold today. Basically, CDing makes me who I am.

So... A blessing then. :)

[Jeri Kay]

Ariel, Honey, you took the words right out of my mouth. Love Ya'll. (That's Texas)

[Maude]

kinda like asking any minority that question ?

all of the above !

[eileen1969]

I did think about my feminine side as curse! I was at a time in my life when I was deep into depression and also very extremely deep into my drinking. I even thought of completely wiping out all memories and the very existaince of Eileen. I wanted her dead and forgetting all about her...I took on all perceptions of others and fearing myself.
Eileen and me has been thought hell , a deep end four times, death, a major stroke, nearly bleed to death...there is a very discriptive story with me and Eileen. Learning to be as one! living, accepting, loving and taking life step by step is very much a gift for me! Going though all that within a year...and still here is definatly a blessing and a miricle that I can persevere such odds and circumstances of what life gives and takes to be me! ;)

[Sigrid]

I've never thought of it as a curse, and only in the last year have I begun to consider it as a gift - though, more and more each day. I didn't marry till I was in my mid thirties, and lived without roomates for most of that time, so I had every opportunity to express myself without fear or guilt. When I finally did marry, it was to an accepting wife. I've only experienced one low point in my life, that was just after my second child was born. It was also a time when I was extreamly busy with my career. I simply didn't have the time nor inclination to dress during that period.

But, ironically, there may lie the curse. When I joined this forum just over a month ago, I had imagined that I'd be spending all my time just chatting and sharing fun stories about dressing and shopping and the like. After a couple weeks, however, it became very apparent that many here have suffered so much and for so long. And now, sometimes, i feel so small. Not having endured the same experiences, I feel ill equiped to offer much in the way of advice and understanding. I lack the deep insight, compassion and wisdom that so many of you posess. Ok, I realize this isn't a curse - I'm certain everyone would gladly trade those attributes if they could just erase all the pain they have suffered throughout their lives. I'll just shut up now and go count my blessings.

[Merinda]

A gifted curse perhaps. I feel very much trapped and yet I can appreciate that this allows me no limits like other males have.

Yes Tristen ,

I really enjoy the freedom of being able to go limits beyond that of most males , but I forever feel like the peice of rope in a tug of war.
I can start my day enjoying activities as a man , I sight a girl/woman wearing something that looks good and then I become instantly jellous and feel I've been thrown out of a party .

I can start the day on one side and get pulled across to the other side instantly , I cannot let go of the rope.

[Melissa A.]

Sigrid,

Better count those blessings, you lucky b***h!

Seriously,

Empathy is a wonderful gift. Which I think you posess in abundance. Your short time here has been an asset to us, as far as I can tell. Don't hold back just cause you haven't been hurt enough. I am interested in your opinions on shopping and clothes, though... Can never have enough of that!

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[karen marie]

that's why it's called gender dysphoria.2 people inside one body.
being lucky to have a supportive SO or family member certainly
makes life easier.i also feel that societal pressures play a big
role.it astounds me that we can advance so much in technology,
but when it comes to human sexuality,we seem to be in the dark
ages.
karen.

[Tristen Cox]

Yes Tristen ,

I really enjoy the freedom of being able to go limits beyond that of most males , but I forever feel like the peice of rope in a tug of war.
I can start my day enjoying activities as a man , I sight a girl/woman wearing something that looks good and then I become instantly jellous and feel I've been thrown out of a party .

I can start the day on one side and get pulled across to the other side instantly , I cannot let go of the rope.
Interesting metaphor, why didn't I think of that. Always the rope tied around me being pulled by both sides. Quite true. ;)

[StephanieCD]

I have been cursed.

Positive side effects of my curse happen to be:

Taste
Style
Sensitivity
Sensuality
and, the dreaded...
Respect for women

Phew! It's a good thing my disease affects so few "men"

;)

Joking aside - I feel my CDing is a curse and I damn myself often for enjoying it. I'm very unhappy in my quest for self-acceptance.

[StephanieCD]

Kurt Cobain of Nirvana wrote a line once... 'I wish I was like you... easily amused'

That, to me, expresses my desire to just be stupid and smelly like the guys I've resented all my life.

[gender_blender]

I would consider anything that allows people to break free from such a mass-delusion as gender-enforced behavior to be a gift.
But my answer also branches from the belief that part of life is taking what is perceived as your greatest curse and developing it to be your greatest gift.


Charlie

[rory]

I never thought of myself as cursed. But did for a long time think that there was somethng major boken somewhere. As far as a gift goes I am waiting for someone to unwrap the package ! :D

[Katrina]

I would consider anything that allows people to break free from such a mass-delusion as gender-enforced behavior to be a gift.
But my answer also branches from the belief that part of life is taking what is perceived as your greatest curse and developing it to be your greatest gift.


Charlie


Well said!

[AbbyLee]

It is very much like being able to use both left and right brain, empathise with both men and women. In other words, for me, a gift of having the best and worst of both worlds.

AbbyLee

[trinity24]

Definitely a gift - it made me a very open-minded person, and helped overcome years of religious indoctrination.

[Sweet Susan]

Definitely a curse, and that is how I described it to my wife when I first broke the news to her. She had asked me to dress up for her, and I wouldn't do it. She asked why and I said it's like a curse, like being bitten by the werewolf. Once I go there, I have a hard time turning back, and I'm afraid that if I go there too often I won't turn back. I did, and I haven't.

[Jill]

Curse, all the way. I love to dress, but I would love even more to be rid of it. I'm tired of stuffing heeps of clothes into small spaces, always darting around, worrying about being caught. Worrying about the future and how far this will eventually go. If there was a magic pill that would cure me of this, I wouldn't hesitate.

[carolynhcd]

Mand, I should think that you would know that what we do and what we are is no lark. All of the pain and torment, the tears and broken homes, the furtiveness and self-loathing bespeak a necessary part of our natures that will not be denied, no matter how much we would wish it otherwise. What we are is good and right and necessary to our mental health. Carl Jung said that to have a sane reaction to an insane situation is insane. Trinity, I think that this might resonate for you. Gender roles are no more applicable than making kindergartners hold a rope as they cross a street. When we are young, it is up to adults to guide us. When we become the adults, we must let our consciences guide us. To me, it makes no more sense to want to be a girl than it does to want to be a boy. I want to be both, to break down the barriers between the sexes and all the acculturated baloney that is attached to gender roles. I want to have sex with anyone of any gender, as any person of any gender, that is appropriate to the moment. We show different sides of our personalities to various people in our lives. We aren't the same with policemen as we are with hairdressers, nor yet with priests as we might be with co-workers or with bosses as we might be with the backside on the next barstool. Yet we need not see that we are thus being false with ourselves or others. They are but facets of the diamonds we are. Then how should wanting to be feminine or masculine differ? All is flux, and wise is the one who can see and move with it. I admit that when I was much younger, I struggled wth my crossdressing and its ancillary sexual component. I did not need someone else to accept me for what I was. I only needed me to accept me. I pity those whose religions have condemned them. I have religion, but accede to no creed. My relationship with whatever god there be is between god and me. No drunken Irishman or Italian, no molesting priest or intimidated nun, no pornographic priestess or proselytising preacher with repressed homosexual tendencies will stand between me and what is right and true and manifestly just. I have always been appalled at men, for their braying, insensate ways, their adoration of the culture of death, of slaughter of the innocents, of speed and power and majesty. I have likewise been appalled at the gorgeous women who would traffic their bodies with such monsters as to make monsters of themselves. For me, this thing we all share is about seeking balance in an unbalanced world, seeking justice in an unjust world, seeking love in a world made up of hate and fear and greed. We seek to hurt no one, offend no one, and to please all who merit love. This is what gains us the merit of love in return. For all the rest whose small-mindedness has brought so much pain to the world, I hope that time and mercy will let them see what could be so pleasant a world without their rancour, their fear and their bloody nagging doubt.

[veronica]

BLESSED , BY ALL MEANS

that is why so many don't understand or apprecheate us :o

:kissing:

[Dawn]

Being a CD allows me to empathise with women a lot more, and be much more caring and understanding than I would have been otherwise.

I believe that as a CD I have a stronger feminine side, and so am able to be more compassionate in life. This is the basis for more of less everything I want to do:

To act - A lot of empathy and psychological understanding involved in that.

To love - I believe I am much more compassionate than most of the guys I know, (I know I'm generalising,) but in the worst cases they are nothing more than using women for personal gain and pleasure... I want to stear well away from that!

To respect - Without my strong fem side, I don't think I would have formed the opinions and compassionate ideology I hold today. Basically, CDing makes me who I am.

So... A blessing then. :)


Ditto!! Big Ditto! Perfectly said Kimberly!
My feminine side has been a big blessing for me. I feel I understand GG's a little bit better then most regular guys. Walking in their shoes would do that.
I also hope it will help me in my future relationships too! Dawn has become a huge part of me....a part I will never lose again!

Dawn

[Donna Delite]

For me, a gift. Up to this point cd'ing has brought me only good things.

[Abraxas]

I don't think of it as a gift or a curse, really... I just think of it as who I am. If I had to pick though, I'd say gift because I'm different from others. I've got something they don't have, and I have more options.

When I met Eddie Izzard and told him I'm TG he said to me "Remember that this is a gift. Don't ever let anybody tell you otherwise." I thought that was spot on. He also said "Well done" in a way that meant good job for being open and honest and comfortable about this.

Another piece of advice from him (he didn't say this to me, but in an interview or something) was, "Don't not come out. Whatever you do, don't NOT come out. Be you." I don't remember the exact quote, but it was very close to that.

And I agree with him 100%.