changing for another person

[Katheryn]

I had a discussion in a chat room last night with a friend who is a nail tech. She said she lost a TS customer in the sense that the customer wanted her nails off because she fell in love with a woman who wants an all man S.O. She asked me, knowing I'm a CD if I thought someone could just change like that. I said no, since trying to not CD for a few years had an ill effect on me and made my personality actually sour from not letting my girl out.

She then told me this person was TS, not just CD and was close to surgery and had been excited about the transformation. Now my friend says this person is going to purge and is in the process of changing jobs to where they'd only know him as him.

I told my friend this sounded like a train wreck about to happen. What do you all think?

K

[Carroll]

Tough call. Its probable, but very unlikely. I can see this person becoming very unhappy when she gets that "urge" and his new girl say no

[Kate Simmons]

It depends. This is what happened with me some 36 years ago. I had fully intended to transition but then I met my future wife and tried being the man. Shortly after we were married however, I began building up my femme "stash" again and dressed in secret for two years until I told her. By that time we had two small boys. She was ready to divorce me then but we agreed to stay together for the sake of the boys if I promised to "change". Well, we all know how that works. I was off and on, in and out for the next 27 years.

Finally, when the children were grown and ready to go out on their own, I came out openly, joined a TG Org. and things went downhill with our relationship from there. She will never accept my femme side and while we are still married, we do not live together. I love her dearly but this is the way it has to be. To do otherwise would be to compromise myself as a person and I've had my fill of that in the past. While the situation may seem sad, I've honestly never been happier as I am free to be myself and whoever I want to be.

The funny thing is now I have no problem being my guy self either and enjoy that. My wife would never believe I could stop dressing and would always be suspicious of everything I do even if I did quit and we got back together and she would have no part of it.

I do not regret having been a husband and a father and have many good memories but when it's time to move on, it's time to move on. Realizing that and accepting that is the hardest part and feelings and emotions are very powerful. This is probably one of the toughest lessons life has to offer but if we get the point, we have accomplished something and turning things that seem to be negative into something positive to work for us is the real challenge. Using this as a learning experience has helped me to move forward as a person.:)

[Karren H]

People don't change, in my humble opinion. They moderate or modify their behavior a bit but they are what they are...

[Holly]

Based on the scenario you've outlined, I would say the individual has two chances of success... slim and none. Even if they are successful in suppressing the urge to dress, resentment will eventually take it's toll on the relationship. Why would anyone fall in love with someone who's stated goal is to change them? It sounds like a foolish move to me that will now impact two (or more) lives, not just the one. :sad:

[Ásfríðr]

s'true. it'll cause a lot of tension just walking about seeing girls being so casual in their femininity reminding them that they were this close. i know i couldn't do it for long, not when i'd got so far

[KandisTX]

Odds are stacked against this person. People don't change that much that soon. We are the way we are for a reason. Sure, we may be able to subdue the desires for a brief while, but they will ALWAYS be there. This does not look like a good situation for anyone involved.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[stevie b]

You are what you are, if do not try be true to yourself, it builds up to an enormous problem. They might peace to start with but the odds are against them. I lasted just under a year since the last purge, its getting expensive!!

[Sarah Doepner]

It's an old joke, "Women marry men and expecting them to change and men marry women and expecting them to not change. It ain't gonna happen and the couple in question will probably both be unhappy.
I'd be very interested in hearing how it all turns out.

[mishelle379]

not a snowballs chance in Hell

[Ashley Lyn]

I often wanted to 'wake up as a girl' many times in my teens! Considered the transition (actually had an acquaintence who was going thru it), and knew for sure I should have been a 'lady'..:battingeyelashes:

As time went on, and my sexual preference for the ladies intensified, it led to marriage, and the 2nd time around, an understanding SO! :D I tried to change for one GF, trashed the stuff, and regretted it ever since.. Also tried to change for the first wife, but to no avail.. I remember her telling the Judge that she 'couldn't take his dressing like a girl' anymore..:eek:

When my second wife passed on, I decided the single route was for me, as the chances of finding an 'understanding' SO in this world are slim to none.. 'Dressing' was more important to me than a serious relationship..:)

When I was 57, I met my SO, who at the time was 42! Never in my life did I see it coming, but I told her I had to show her something, invited her to my house and showed her my closet full of girly things... :o We spent the rest of the day with her suggesting different outfits I should wear... she just sat and smiled and I modeled everything from sissy dresses to mini's, to lingere!
Talk about a find!!!:daydreaming:

I've tried to change... didn't work for me..!! Just can't imagine not being able to sit here wearing a velvet/lace mini, a lace blouse (both just purchased recently on ebay), thigh highs and mary janes... Wig and big hoop earrings, just make me feel so wonderful.. Change?? I think NOT..:)

[sybercom11]

No you cannot stop. It is not like giving up golf.

For me, I do not ever remember as a kid making a decision to dress up like a girl. I did it because it was a natural urge, something I felt I had to do. I did not stop and think about it. I was born with a fem side.

My advice would be to set up some rules. That has worked for most of us. I once read that if crossdressing is your biggest problem with your SO, then you have a pretty darn good relationship going.

[CaptLex]

I told my friend this sounded like a train wreck about to happen. What do you all think?
I think that's really sad. If someone can't accept me and wants me to be someone I'm not, then where is the love? Sounds like a one-way relationship, without compromise. :idontknow:

[MJ]

IMHO you can't change who you are . this person need help. love makes us do dumb things... i should know . but in the long run this person is setting herself up for a lot of heartache and pain . gender confusion does not go away and in a few months she will be right back where she started from feeling hurt confused don't know what way to turn maybe dressing in secret and then joining a forum like this asking how do i tell my wife _________ you fill in the blanks ..

being a ts is not an easy task but it is who we are that will never change .
i would rather die trying to be the woman i should have been than go back to being him !!!
this poor person need lots of love caring and help before it's too late
many of us here can see were this will end up ...

[KandisTX]

I had a discussion in a chat room last night with a friend who is a nail tech. She said she lost a TS customer in the sense that the customer wanted her nails off because she fell in love with a woman who wants an all man S.O.


If this woman wants an "all man" SO, then this TS should know to not even talk about a further relationship as she (the TS) is NOT all man and she should know it by now.


She asked me, knowing I'm a CD if I thought someone could just change like that. I said no, since trying to not CD for a few years had an ill effect on me and made my personality actually sour from not letting my girl out.


BINGO! You hit this one right on the head.


She then told me this person was TS, not just CD and was close to surgery and had been excited about the transformation. Now my friend says this person is going to purge and is in the process of changing jobs to where they'd only know him as him.

I told my friend this sounded like a train wreck about to happen. What do you all think?

K

Not only is this a train wreck, but it's going to seriously mess with the TS's mind. She is who she is, and TRYING to change who she is for what she THINKS might be love is insane. If this woman truly LOVES this 'guy' then she would not be asking for any changes.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[Nicole Erin]

I have known CDs and TSs who go back completely to being a man for some relationship.
The relationship ends, and the "woman" comes out again.

Happens all the time. Hopefully, the TS in question here won't spend all her SRS/transformation money on something else and later have to try to save again. That is unless $10,000 is no big deal to her.

[Amy Hepker]

No Dought in my mind, You can only hold out for so long before it comes back. I know, I did it for my first wife and it wasn't a year before I was trying to get her to let me get things which she did. Our marriage only lasted 4 years. How good looking was she??? She was a junior beauty paegent girl and out of 100 girl she placed 20 something. So yes she was very pretty. Long Blonde straight hair and she was tall too real skinny.

[Laura_Stephens]

We can attempt to change our behaviour, but we cannot change who we are. does any significant other really want to be married to someone who is only play acting at life?

[RobertaFermina]

The biology and psychology of TG/TS/CD is so complex and mysterious. The best I could do is care about the person, check in with them and ask them how it is going, and if there is any reasonable way I could help.

If there is a reasonable, caring person in the life of someone in crisis, then there is always a beacon of light in what "may be" a sea of confusion.

They may be losing themselves to a selfish partner, or low self esteem, or they may be finding themselves, or finding out how mysterious and flexible they are....who is to judge ?

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Shelly Preston]

This is almost Impossible to answer without knowing the person involved

Can they give up if they are TS ?

Anything is possibe it will just mean things will be a lot more difficult

[Stargirl]

Who wants to sacrifice an integrated element of the self ? I compare it to the feeling we had in childhood when a parent told us we "didn't need" our ragged bunny toy anymore, because we were "all grown up". We were ? But what did bunny rabbit DO to deserve being chucked out into the trash ? If we change to make another person feel more comfortable, and we gain discomfort, and conflict, what was gained ? Isolation, perhaps. If who we are isn't directly harming other living things, what other person has the right to barrel in, and dictate what we should be ?

[Niya W]

If you change for some else and not for you self, you are asking for trouble.


Sounds like some just checked their self's into their own personal hell

[Breanne]

The only person who can make you change, if at all possible, is you yourself. No one can change you.
In this scenario, she is making him/her change, and it simply won't work.
A "train wreck" about to happen? You can bet your last dollar on that!

[Tina Dixon]

It may be fine for a bit buts it not going to last I mean I can't give up CDing and this person was going all the way? This isn't good.

[AKAMichelle]

Sounds like the train wreck would have been having the surgery with that much doubt. Having surgery is a one way street.

I think the person may have saved themselves a lot of grief. This person definitely doesn't sound like a good fit for having the surgery.

Having considered SRS recently, I can tell you it causes you swing both ways a lot until you finally make your decision. I won't have the surgery, but I will always support anyone who wants or needs the surgery.

[Samantha43]

Thinking one can change who they are for someone that they are newly in love with is not unusual. Early in a relationship it is easy to make consessions, but it becomes more difficult as the relationship matures. I think you are right about the train wreck.

[Fab Karen]

I think that's really sad. If someone can't accept me and wants me to be someone I'm not, then where is the love? Sounds like a one-way relationship, without compromise.
:iagree:"You must be what I want you to be" isn't love.

"Don't go changing to try to please me
I'll only leave you for Christie Brinkley..." - artistic license of Billy Joel song ( who later divorced Christie too )