sandra-leigh
07-20-2008, 03:27 PM
I'll try this again, a little less verbosely :o
Last night I went out to a club to do some girl-watching. I went gender-bending, a long gray skirt, a white femme jacket, large forms (noticeable but not pronounced under the stiffness of the jacket), but no makeup or jewelry. My hair (below the ear but not long) and complexion cooperated for once, so for once I was a not-bad looking guy, looking younger than my actual years, but certainly a guy in a skirt.
Now, not all that long after I arrived at the club, a middle-aged guy (probably about the same age as me) came over and tried to pick me up. I was polite to him, but he really should have taken my No's more seriously. No, he cannot see me, No, he cannot have my phone number, No I am not interested in the good "loving" he was promising me. He wanted to know if I was a man or a woman (Me: "No one's really sure.") He didn't seem to care much either way. One of the women I talked to later indicated that he'd {earlier} promised to buy her all kinds of things if she would be his girlfriend. It was all a bit pathetic. He didn't upset me, but if he had come back to hit on me another time, I would have summoned Security, just to make it clear that NO Means NO.
Was I "interested" in him, even a little bit? Nope, not at all. And the feel of his hand on my leg or arm didn't do a thing for me; didn't disgust me either.
It seems to me that my total lack of interest in him indicates to me that I'm "in a different place" in my cross-dressing than I was a few years ago. A few years ago, when guys expressed interest in me, even though I wasn't interested in doing anything, I would feel a distinct thrill about the interest. That thrill was somewhat disconcerting, as I didn't know what it meant about me, didn't know what it was telling me about myself. I still don't have any idea what those thrills were telling me about myself as I was then, but there was not even a peep of a thrill last night.
To be fair, though, when I felt those thrills before, I was completely Dressed, not gender-bending. I know in those earlier days of going out completely Dressed, that when I was Dressed it was like trying to assert a completely different persona: I had a decided need in my early full public dressing to be a person who was publicly visible as a sexual being. That's not so easy to do as a "no longer young" and "never especially handsome" male of small social skills; it is socially easier to publicly express sexuality as a woman... Probably the thrill I mentioned had no small connection to having people react to that public expression of sexuality.
Is this making sense to anyone, that one might want to break out from a lifetime of being an overlooked nebish technical expert, into a life of knowing that there are people around who desire you -- just to know it, even if nothing is going to happen as a result?
Anyhow... as time went by, perhaps related to finding out how easily people "read" me as a guy (and indeed recognize me readily no matter how I dress), I pretty much stopped dressing primarily as an expression of sexuality. I wouldn't say that factor is completely gone, but these days I dress more because I enjoy it. A nice dress or a good top and skirt make me feel good, make me feel comfortable. Even if I'm just going around doing errands "in guy mode" with my wife, putting on an "above the knee" denim skirt to go "around" feels mostly natural (though not completely so yet). Most of my clothes are women's now-a-days, including my daily work clothes (though those are less obvious) -- and when I wear them proudly, people notice and compliment me and think I look happier. Some part of me that I didn't know was there is filling me more, and it's pretty comfortable over-all.
When I was at the club last night, there were a fair number of young women, some of whom were openly exhibitionist (e.g., dancing topless). And barely a one of them "did anything for me" -- certainly none of the factory model young thin "hot blonds" did. There was one young waitress who was not from that mold at all but whom moved gracefully enough to catch my interest -- but other than that, the only two women who interested me at all, were the two oldest women in the room. Youth just isn't enough to interest me anymore: it takes some visible maturity for that. I find I just don't have much to say to a 20 year old woman... the 30-ish and upwards are a lot more interesting. Guess I'm finally growing up a bit.
Last night I went out to a club to do some girl-watching. I went gender-bending, a long gray skirt, a white femme jacket, large forms (noticeable but not pronounced under the stiffness of the jacket), but no makeup or jewelry. My hair (below the ear but not long) and complexion cooperated for once, so for once I was a not-bad looking guy, looking younger than my actual years, but certainly a guy in a skirt.
Now, not all that long after I arrived at the club, a middle-aged guy (probably about the same age as me) came over and tried to pick me up. I was polite to him, but he really should have taken my No's more seriously. No, he cannot see me, No, he cannot have my phone number, No I am not interested in the good "loving" he was promising me. He wanted to know if I was a man or a woman (Me: "No one's really sure.") He didn't seem to care much either way. One of the women I talked to later indicated that he'd {earlier} promised to buy her all kinds of things if she would be his girlfriend. It was all a bit pathetic. He didn't upset me, but if he had come back to hit on me another time, I would have summoned Security, just to make it clear that NO Means NO.
Was I "interested" in him, even a little bit? Nope, not at all. And the feel of his hand on my leg or arm didn't do a thing for me; didn't disgust me either.
It seems to me that my total lack of interest in him indicates to me that I'm "in a different place" in my cross-dressing than I was a few years ago. A few years ago, when guys expressed interest in me, even though I wasn't interested in doing anything, I would feel a distinct thrill about the interest. That thrill was somewhat disconcerting, as I didn't know what it meant about me, didn't know what it was telling me about myself. I still don't have any idea what those thrills were telling me about myself as I was then, but there was not even a peep of a thrill last night.
To be fair, though, when I felt those thrills before, I was completely Dressed, not gender-bending. I know in those earlier days of going out completely Dressed, that when I was Dressed it was like trying to assert a completely different persona: I had a decided need in my early full public dressing to be a person who was publicly visible as a sexual being. That's not so easy to do as a "no longer young" and "never especially handsome" male of small social skills; it is socially easier to publicly express sexuality as a woman... Probably the thrill I mentioned had no small connection to having people react to that public expression of sexuality.
Is this making sense to anyone, that one might want to break out from a lifetime of being an overlooked nebish technical expert, into a life of knowing that there are people around who desire you -- just to know it, even if nothing is going to happen as a result?
Anyhow... as time went by, perhaps related to finding out how easily people "read" me as a guy (and indeed recognize me readily no matter how I dress), I pretty much stopped dressing primarily as an expression of sexuality. I wouldn't say that factor is completely gone, but these days I dress more because I enjoy it. A nice dress or a good top and skirt make me feel good, make me feel comfortable. Even if I'm just going around doing errands "in guy mode" with my wife, putting on an "above the knee" denim skirt to go "around" feels mostly natural (though not completely so yet). Most of my clothes are women's now-a-days, including my daily work clothes (though those are less obvious) -- and when I wear them proudly, people notice and compliment me and think I look happier. Some part of me that I didn't know was there is filling me more, and it's pretty comfortable over-all.
When I was at the club last night, there were a fair number of young women, some of whom were openly exhibitionist (e.g., dancing topless). And barely a one of them "did anything for me" -- certainly none of the factory model young thin "hot blonds" did. There was one young waitress who was not from that mold at all but whom moved gracefully enough to catch my interest -- but other than that, the only two women who interested me at all, were the two oldest women in the room. Youth just isn't enough to interest me anymore: it takes some visible maturity for that. I find I just don't have much to say to a 20 year old woman... the 30-ish and upwards are a lot more interesting. Guess I'm finally growing up a bit.