Telling Your Lawyer You Crossdress

[jessbcuzz]

Hey, girls! I need some help here fast. If you are from Ohio and relate, please send me a private message. Anyhow, I know that I am not nor have been the only one in this situation, but the outside world can't relate unlike my sisters here. Anyhow, to make a really long story short, my daughter's mother has taken me to the cleaners. To the point that if I work seven days a week, that leaves me less than $300 a month to live on after bills. I've been working 7 and 8 days a week for so long, that when I get an off day because there is no work available, I get so bored. The stick of it all, I am not sure now if she is even mine. I am not saying she is not mine, but her mother sent me a message a while back stating "have you ever noticed that Katana looks nothing like you"? That raised some red flags to say the least. Since I had all ready signed my name on the birth certificate at the time, I have to pay for any paternity tests out of my pocket. Needless to say if I quit eating Romen Noddles, I can afford to get that done in about 3 years. Anyhow, I am a non confronting person, but I have been pushed back into a corner to the point that I need to do something. The main reason I have not seen my daughter (if she us mine) in 4 years is that her mother has made it very clear that if I try to get visitation or what not that everyone from my sister to the head of the UN will know that I am a CD. Well, with her taking me to the cleaners I have no choice but to try to protect my own well being. I am not what so ever trying got get out of paying support (if she is mine), but I have to live as well. Trust me, I average 60 hours a week, and it gets old real quick. Anyhow, I am looking into getting a lawyer this. He or she is going to ask why don't I get to see my daughter. The honest answer is that her mother won't let me see Katana is because I cross dress. How on earth do I tell a complete stranger who is after my money that I am a cross dresser? On that note, am I better off getting a female lawyer? There is a lot worse things that I could do. Isn't being a CD better that a drug dealer, thief, etc? I got to do something. I am only 33, but my real age test puts me at 41. Do I get a male or female lawyer? The next question is how do I tell them that yes, I miss my daughter, and that I have cried myself to sleep more times that not because the only reason I can't see her is that her mother believes that being a CD is wrong? I look forward to any and all responses girls. Thanks.

[DawnRodgers]

I would definitely get a lawyer in this situation. A good lawyer can work miracles with the judicial system. Try to find one, male or female, who has experience with gender related issues. Best to have one who is familiar with the law than one who is learning on the fly. It would be the best money you ever spernt. Just remember that you have rights too. What has happened is unfortunate but with the right representation and advice you can come out of this standing on your feet. And, yes, be honest with your lawyer no matter how embarassing you find it. You'll find that you're not the first person to go through this.
Dawn

[sterling12]

So what you need is a "modification" of your child-support and some visitation rights. Since your paying your current child-support, she can't deny you your rights, unless you did something stupid. And usually previous actions, unless they relate directly to a detrimental effect on the child are not germaine to the issues.

99.9 % of all cases before a Judge are going to end up with child support awarded that matches "The State Guidelines." Your wife would have to prove a great deal to get a Judge to go outside of those guidelines. Those same guidelines SHOULD also reflect your income and unless you make practically nothing, it's going to leave you with more than $300.

So get a good lawyer, tell them up front your Transgendered Status and unless you have molested the kid or something similar, it's a "non-issue" which your lawyer will make sure doesn't become part of The Public Record. I repeat, if it's not germaine, you have The Right to Privacy. You are also protected by Lawyer-Client Privilege issues, and professional standards insure that there will be discretion. If she's making threats to "out" you. Your lawyer should also have the ability to get a Court order to stop her from such behavior, as it might adversely effect your income and ability to pay The Child support.

Whatever child support or visitation you previously agreed to, may have some weight, but you have at least a 50/50 chance of beneficial changes. The paternity thing your going to have to decide about.....remember, people can be very vindictive, and say just about anything. Nothing would probably please her more than to make you pay every month, but to have you believe that it's not your child. If you have doubts, don't let her jerk you around....do something about it.

All State Laws are different, so check with your attorney, but I'll just bet that it's very similar in your state.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[MJ]

you need to see a lawyer and get this sorted out my ex did the same to me . and i lost everything ended up at a womans shelter last year. never been the same since .. please get it sorted out before it's too late ..

[Joy Carter]

One think I'd do is save that message that she sent, saying the child doesnt look like you. That might swing things your way in a hurry.

[KarenCDFL]

It is inconceivable by me how anyone could be so evil though obviously they are.

Your EX has a lot more issues than just threating to tell the world of your private life.

This may even help you if you want to try for full custody for your child. If your ex is that mean, it sounds like a lifestyle for her and she may also be mistreating your daughter.

I good lawyer is what you need not only to protect yourself but to protect your child too.

[Angie G]

Get that Lawyer hun you need it you getting screwed big time and tell you lawyer you dress why should he care he working for you.:hugs:
Angie

[Amy Lynn3]

By all means send Christmas cards, birthday cards, get well cards, would love to see you cards, graduation cards or any other note you can think of to your daughter. I would send at least 2 or 3 per week to her. If they come back refused, then you have plenty of ammunation to use in court. The judges do not like for a parent to be kept at bay from a child, by another parent. This would show just how mean she is too.

Go for the juglar vein when you get to court. You must be just as mean as she when you fight for your rights with a child. After the court date and you have your child back be very nice to youe ex. Make sure everything you say is in written form. If you offer to bring the child over, do it in a card.

The other girls have offered good advise too.

Good luck.
Hugs,
Amy

[Patty]

Get a lawyer and tell (him or her) that you are a cd.
Others have given you good advise.

[LindaTS]

You definitely need to get a lawyer. I think if it were me I'd use the same approach that I recommend using when getting a new doctor. Try to find a female who is on the younger side. It's my opinion that they tend to be more accepting of us. At least that's my experience with doctors. Good luck.

[Emily Anderson]

It doesn't really matter whether you get a female or a male lawyer, nor whether or not they are conscious of gender issues. A lawyer is there to defend you according to the law, not according to your sex or whether or not you crossdress, which is irrelevant, BTW, unless you're doing anything which could be construed as illegal.

[DonnaT]

I agree that getting a lawyer, and being honest with them, is paramount to improving your chances.

If you were given visitation rights when divorced, and your ex has kept you from your rights, by blackmail, and you can prove it, then by all means don't hold anything back.

Note that the judicial Ohio isn't very trans friendly.

Also, in many states, even if you prove you aren't the child's blood father, you are still her legal father and responsible for her support.

You might want to come out to those you care about, as your ex will probably follow thru with her threat to out you.

[Tomara]

I also agree that you should hire a lawyer , most of them the consultation is free , and if you fully explain your situation they will probably set up a payment plan that suits your income . I would strongly suggest a paternity test , the lawyer probably would too . Best of luck to you . Tomara

[suzym4u]

I'm not from Ohio, but I can relate.

My ex played the same games with me. She tried to use my CDing as a way to push me into doing things that she knew she had no grounds to ask for in court.

Well my friend, being a crossdresser is not illegal, it is not immoral, and it poses no threat to the safety of your children.

I'd tell the lawyer about your CDing, tell your lawyer EVERYTHING that your wife has threatened you with, and then get a paternity test to either

1: shut her the hell up about support if the child really isn't yours and then build your own case for infidelity should you choose that route or

2: Once you know that the child is yours, make sure your rights as a parent are not violated.

Good Luck!
Suzy

[Leasa Wells]

althougth i never personally had your situation a good friend of mine has somewhat of the same issue.

Al is a good friend of mine, was married at the time i met him and we became good friends. Well one day i hear he is getting a the big D. He suspect fowl play an get a blood test on his daughter. Finds out he is not her father an to continue seeing her they all have to get attorneys an fight it out. While he was married they agreed to have him snipped it can be reversed either.

I agree get a good lawyer, tell him your side. Unless she can show you somehow your not the father or a good person, she is out of luck. I would add perhap you ask for a nurtal place to meet to visit with your child and perhaps monitor if necessary. That way you wont fight and maybe over time things will settle down.

Lisa

[KandisTX]

If you are paying the child support and any other money the court ordered you to pay, continue doing so. If the court ordered a visitation schedule and she is not allowing you to see your child, she is in contempt of court and COULD be sent to jail by the judge for defying a court order.

Get yourself a lawyer ( maybe you can find one through a free legal aid place), and tell them that you are paying your child support, and that she is not allowing you to see the child. SHE is in the wrong here, and her threatening to out you is nothing more than a scare tactic (that appears to be working) to be used against you.

If you are paying child support out of the goodness of your heart, make sure you have a complete record of all monies you have sent to her for the child. When you do get to court, you could very well fight for soul custody of the child, or you could demand proof of paternity since the mothers own statements have caused you doubts as to the child being yours.

[Nicole Erin]

If you are over-paying to avoid being outed, then seriously, just come out to whoever your wife would tell. THEN she will have nothing to hold over your head. You take away someone's ammunition... ;)

If you are in a position where you would probably lose a good job over being CD, then hide it REAL good and lie thru your teeth about CDing if it comes up. Think of what she would say to try to "prove" you are CD. Lie like a damned rug if you have to. You don't dress, you didn't try it that one time just so... you didn't go out en femme on halloween. Have your BS story in place and your rebuttals ready. People talk about "honesty is the best policy" That is a load of crap. Covering your butt any way you have to is the best policy.

Now about the attorney, I don't know how one could afford one if they are already struggling badly. I don't know much about this but if you are low income, some states and cities have attorneys that work for such. I wish I knew the name of the program but one legal office in Indiana has something where you pay so much a month, like $25, and if you need an attorney, one will help. I think there is a maximum benefit. I guess it is like an insurance policy in a way...

[María José]

Have you thought that the lawyer can be a crossdesser? I´m a lawyer and I´m a crossdresser :)

Other girls have given you very good advise.

[scarlett]

There is some very good advice here. I have been in your exact situation. If she has absolutly no concrete evidence of your crossdressing; ie; photos videos, anything written, recorded, or any reliable witness then her threats are hollow. Judges have heard worse fabrications. Lawyers are trained to represent their client's best interest to the best of their ability. You MUST tell them everything, else they may be blindsided by the opposition and no one's fault but your own. If you are really paranoid about it contact you local GLBT organization and ask for a referral. In my case the lawyer was somewhat surprised by my revelation but told me flat out that is not illlegal to crossdress wihout the intent to decieve and not relevant if it does not affect the child. My ex had gone so far as to begin changing my son's name. He nipped it in the bud and won handily. The best advice I can give is get the best, meanest lawyer you can ( not necessarily the most expensive) , tell him/her everything, and follow their advice. It is possible that you will be charged commensurate with your ability to pay or even pro bono, especially if referred thru your local GLBT organization. And for the rest of us, that is a good reason to support them.

[DonnaT]

Some liks that may be of interest:

http://newsgroups.derkeiler.com/Archive/Soc/soc.men/2006-02/msg00157.html

http://codes.ohio.gov/orc/3111

http://www.divorcenet.com/states/ohio#child_support_and_alimony

http://www.divorcenet.com/states/ohio/ohio_child_support_chart

http://www.divorcenet.com/states/nationwide/visitation_problems

http://jfs.ohio.gov/OCS/services.stm

[Rikidee]

They say you can't buy friends but my experience is that when you pay a lawyer to represent you he or she will do everything they can to get what you want and to protect you from harm. You have client lawyer privalege which keeps any lawyer you tell from telling anyone else. I was in a similar situation and when my ex tried to bring up crossdressing to the judge my lawyer shut her down cold and it never came out at all. The court room was filled with my family and friends and her family and friends and as far as the court procedings went they never knew what she was trying to bring up and it was on the tip of her tongue when my lawyer stopped it. It is very important that you tell your lawyer up front because he can't protect you if he doesn't know what to expect. I would also try to find a lawyer that is experienced with crossdressing/gender issues.

[rachellenicole]

Very good advice, Lawyer-Up. I went through a divorce, but it was fairly painless in comparasion. In a court of law she has to prove that you are a CD, she can still tell friends and family, but she is using that to black mail you. Who's to say that she hasn't told someone already. If possible I would get a paternity test, but if you are not the father then this could sever any possiblity of seeing the child in the future.

Best of luck sweetie

Rach

[Jilmac]

Mileena, I can understand your plight girl, and I know from experience IT AINT NO FUN. I never had the misfortune of paying for a child I couldn't see but I did have my a$$ in a jam with the law and had to disclose my dressing to a lawyer. My atty was a male and told he had heard worse things than crossdressing and assured me that it is perfectly legal. As long as your dressing doesn't harm anybody I don't think it can be held against you.

I don't live in Ohio and I don't know if your area is open to alternate lifestyles but for the most part, lawyers (male or female) and even judges should have no reason to deny you of your right to visit your child, provided there would be some sort of assurance that your daughter would never see you dressed en femme.

I was in the court system in my state and my probation officer tried to use crossdressing against me so I had no choice but to tell my lawyer so he could prepare a proper defense. Don't forget girl, lawyers have heard it all so I doubt your crossdressing will be an issue with him/her. Also another thing to consider is that any atty you hire will be working for you and you have the option to fire him/her if you're not satisfied with the representation.

I wish you the best of luck, hang in there girl. Luv and :hugs: Jill

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt....
minus $2,454 per month and that was in 1995 plus a cool half million that got mostly to her and that was in S. Fla. See down there adultry isn't grounds for divorce and I caught her twice. She also told my lawyer I was gay when her screwing around was discussed...

I was left with $174 a week to live on so I had to work about 75 hours a week total to get by until in 1999 I became seriosuly ill and put in ICU with a rare neurological illness that left me paralyzed. It's in the MS ALA Polio family...It's in remission for now...

Anyway, I haven't seen my kids for 8 years now almost 9 years...

So I can relate to your problem/situation...

My advice??? well I can put it out here....it could be used in court against me...

Good luck....I feel your pain....

Steph

[victoriamwilliams1]

Get the lawyer and get the amounts modified. I would in this case give full discloser since hiding it for the lawyer will bring up a trust issue. If she brings it up publicly see if you have any protections against her disclosing your status.

[Joann0830]

I am so sorry that she is putting you through this but in the field that I was in I would ask you first did you keep the letter that she had sent you, because that could help you as a good lawyer may request for you and your ex to have a test to determeine wheteher the child is yours. It sounds like you want to do the right thing by the child but you wont be able to from where she wants to put you. As far as an attorney, whether a male or female
they are agents of the court and probably have heard what you think is shocking, You will have to trust the attorney with this information, again whether a male or female it does not matter you need to do a little research
and find an attorney that deals with gender issues and you normally can find that through your state legal system or maybe through your association or affiliate group. Even attorneys can be CDs or gay or trassexuals. Take a deep breath hun and I know that this is easy for me to say but YOU need to worry about you first before the child because as I said You are no good to the child if you are homeless and destitute. Good Luck and I will have you in my prayers. Joann:sad:

[joann426]

life is not over because you are a crossdresser she has alot of issues besides cause she dont except what you do if she takes you to the cleaners just for that the lawer will laugh at her believe me !!!!!!!!!

[Jodi]

Get a lawyer now, and be sure to get a good one. It is obvious that the first time around you did not have a good lawyer. If you would have had a good one, you wouldn't have gotten the hosing you got.

Jodi

[heidi99]

I agree that getting a lawyer, and being honest with them, is paramount to improving your chances.

If you were given visitation rights when divorced, and your ex has kept you from your rights, by blackmail, and you can prove it, then by all means don't hold anything back.

Note that the judicial Ohio isn't very trans friendly.

Also, in many states, even if you prove you aren't the child's blood father, you are still her legal father and responsible for her support.

You might want to come out to those you care about, as your ex will probably follow thru with her threat to out you.

DonnaT said it quite well.

You are paying the lawyer, and I have found that being a CD doesn't phase them a bit. They would rather know of the CD'ing before they get in front of a judge (no surprises) so that they can adequately prepare a game plan.

Also, as DonnaT said, you may want to pre-emptively tell the people you most care about. That way you control the way in which they learn about this particular aspect of you. I've found that if a person is a solid individual in how they handle themselves in life, most people will take this information in stride and understand that it is just a part of who you are.

Finally, think of this as a chance to get some of that weight off your shoulders. Those that have at least told their loved ones I think would agree that they were amazed at how relieved they were once they had shared the secret. Now, that doesn't mean popping out all dressed up. It can be as simple as "Mom, I crossdress."

Good luck, dear. Keep the faith. Things will turn out.

[Karen C]

Im devorced and have a son and im a CD and when i got drvorced i was told by many people evern in the famly to get a test and i did not evern get a layer and didn't . but i loverd her and still do to an extent but i do get to see my son very often and our devorde was prety easy as i was told evern by her layer we dident argue at the courthouse during the devorce . because we talked and still do i go to there house when they have birthday partys and her boy friend was my best friend and that still hurts a little but . He traets them well and and i have known him since we were 3 . and I can say that I trust him and most people look at me like Im nuts .but thats enough about me .

MY advice to you is get a layer and have the test dun . that takes all the questions out of the equaeion and gives you strait answers to start with and telling the layer your a cd its a confidencality isue and he cant discuse the case with any one and you could get it in writing and if you could see the child i believe its just a swab test in the mouth for the idenitty .

[RobertaFermina]

Honey,

Don't get a lawyer !!!!


GET TWO OF THEM !!!!

Get a Civil Attorney well versed in Family Law.

Consider getting a criminal attorney or Public Prosecutor to assess the potential to charge your ex-wife with BLACKMAIL.


You don't have to file Criminal Charges right away, but you can advise her that you are assessing your ability to prove means, opportunity and motive and intent to threaten you with physical or mental injury or defamation unless you "pay her" by conceding to a burdensome settlement and deprivation of your visitation and parental rights.

A smart Family Law Attorney might construct a brief to modify your settlement (including visitation rights), and possibly recover some of the child-support/financial-concessions that were included in the initial settlement.

Offering up a draft charge-sheet with corroborating evidence (including a copy of that email about your dubious parentage (documents malevolent intent and willingness to do emotional harm), and your affadavit of her threats regarding your Crossdressing) might be the kind of inducement that would soften her lawyer's resistance, as well has hers to the Modification that you desire.

I really feel for you.

While you are at it, consider getting some assertiveness training, or some positive support. You are as worthy as anyone else, as worthy as your ex-wife...no less. You should not have to get the short end of any stick.

Bless You, and Hang in There !

:rose: Roberta...I am NOT a Lawyer! :rose: