A Matter of Perception

[Patrice]

Had an interesting encounter recently, bit of backstory first.

Since embracing my feminine side Ive been integrating feminine elements into my everyday persona: Earrings, nail-polish, bras, shaggier more feminine hair style. Also I have been working to let my expressions and mannerisms become more free and expressive, stop being so rigid and 'manly'.

I've always assumed (and had confirmed once or twice) that this would cause some people to percieve me as gay in order to integrate my new persona into a frame of reference they can understand and accept. Whether I am or not I consider noones business but mine, its not a negative to me at all. But if they need to think that, so be it.

But recently I was the recipient of a friendly pass from a gay gentleman I work with, I turned him down in a friendly and (I thought) respectful way and he seemed ok and understanding. But the next day he told me that I shouldnt be coming across as a gay man if I wasnt, it was sending the wrong signals and could end up hurting someone.

I didnt know how to reply to him at the moment and still really dont. Im tossing this out for your input, I think I may have crossed into a gray-area I never knew existed.

Please, any of your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

[deja true]

I think he's just a bit miffed at being turned down...

Did you turn him down by telling him you were not gay?

And it seems kinda sexist(??) that he'd assume you were gay because of your new mannerisms

Funny! You'd think his gay-dar would work better than that!

[DonnaT]

he told me that I shouldnt be coming across as a gay man if I wasnt, it was sending the wrong signals and could end up hurting someone.

I'd have told him I didn't think I was. I know several gay men, and none look, dress, etc. like me (you). Then asked him how many gay men he knows that do.

I would also have told him that just because a person expresses their feminine side, that doesn't mean they are gay, and one shouldn't assume that it did.

[Julogden]

Hi Patrice,

I agree, he's annoyed about being turned down. Who is he to tell anyone else how to present themselves? He's also guilty of stereotyping.

I say that if you're happy with what you're doing and it's working for you, forget him and his snitty attitude and keep on doing what you like.

Carol

[Sally24]

Even members of a minority can stereotype people. Half the gay men I've known did not present as effeminate. If he says anything again tell him that "he" has the problem and shouldn't try to pigeon-hole people!

[Karren H]

That's just part of the hobby... caught somewhere in between...

[Genifer Teal]

I think I may have crossed into a gray-area I never knew existed.



I think you crossed into a GAY-area. Perhaps he needs to tweak his "TG-Dar". He miss took your actions. It's not your fault unless you were showing him direct interest. Maybe subconsciously?

Gen

[Angie G]

Go your own way Patrice and don't worry about him.:hugs:
Angie

[DeeDeeB]

Interesting that he would perceive acting feminine as being gay. Most of the gay men and lesbian women I know are much more manly than I am. I am sometimes perceived as gay, but I just let it slide. Since I've been with my wife 30 years, and am hoping for another 30 or so, I don't date anyone but her anyway, so the question is moot. Like others have said, looks like his problem and not yours.

Dee :fairy1:

[trannie T]

It's his problem not yours. He probably saw something that was not there. You can dress and act anyway you wish.

[NoraTV]

Give him a little break, Patrice. Our friends in this thread are probably right: He completely misread the situation and made assumptions that weren't accurate. He probably was hurt that you turned him down.

He could actually become a very dear friend. You could introduce him to a whole other level of complexity and nuance that, as a gay man, he might not be aware of or fully understand.

I had a similar situation about five years ago. An openly gay acquaintance of mine met me, purely by coincidence, at a restaurant after we had both been -- again coincidentally -- to the same play. He did not recognize me at first, but kept saying, "You look familiar." Because I knew he was gay, I also was confident that this was not a pick-up line. Finally, I decided to put the poor dear out of the misery of his curiosity and revealed the male identity by which he knew me. After dinner -- we were with different groups -- he and I went to another place for drinks and conversation. He made the same assumption: that the way that I was dressed was an outward expression of my being gay. (The truth is that I am bisexual.)

Because he is gay, I think that he was better able to understand who I am and all the complexities of my existence better than a straight guy would have. To make a long story short, we kept discussing it. What does it mean to me to have a strong feminine side to my personality? Why haven't I gone the TS route? It took me some time to help him to understand two truths.

First, in my masculine personality, I am very straight.

However, in my feminine personality, I enjoy intimate relations with men. I told him that I would never rule out relations with a gay man, but that any potential gay boyfriend of mine should realize that he would not be having relations with another man, but with someone who considers herself equally female. It was not a matter of whether I was attracted to him, but whether he should be attracted to me.

I guess that this is a long-winded way of saying that gay men can be wonderful, supporting, and, in their own way, deeply loving friends. But, in my case, I had to work hard to get beyond my gay friend's initial assumptions, his feelings of rejection, and his assumption that I was somehow trying to mess with his mind.

I am glad that I spent the time to discuss this with my friend. He is still one of my dearest friends. And no. we have never been more intimate with each other than a lingering kiss good night as two friends who deeply love and care for each other.

[Sally2005]

What? He didn't do the 'gay handshake' or limp wrist test?... :-) Just poking some fun at another recent post made by someone else.

My guess is he saw a male with attributes that a gay male might normally use to attract attention... a problem with morphing your persona, I guess. Maybe he saw the earing in the left ear, or is it the right one? Or maybe both these days? Maybe better to ask him what it was.

[Fab Karen]

Either this guy is very closeted, or ( more likely ) he was using this against you since you turned him down. You don't owe jerks like this any further thought.