Going back and forth!

[emmicd]

Do others waver back and forth with their gender identity?

In the morning when I go to work I am all guy with the exception of my undergarments I wear underneath my suit.

At night when my wife and son are asleep and I have some quiet time I am definitely more feminine and I seek out my wardrobe to dress for an hour or 2.

I love to look in the mirror and see myself all decked out in my pretty dresses and lingerie. I am all woman at this time.

When I go to sleep I am all guy.

It is hard sometimes knowing who I am. Is it normal to feel like a guy part of the day and like a girl part of the day. This really confuses me sometimes. I know I must be TG or a really feminine crossdresser.

What is the difference between a TG and a really feminine crossdresser?

I'd like to know if someone can help me understand?

Thank you!

emmi

[jczr2]

I definitely go through that. My mind wants me to be feminine, but i'm such a "guy" it's hard to be what I wish I could be. maybe because I had to hold it in for so long (not sure). The two people that know about me thought I would be the very last person on earth to want to dress and be a woman.

Most of the time I am all guy, I just can't help it. I am hoping to lose those traits, and only have the guy come out when I want him to. If it wasn't for my family, I would probably transition fully. I do consider myself a TS, but I do wish I could train my brain to be less man when I'm not paying attention. Especially when I'm mad the guy really comes out.

I thing for alot of us, the testosterone takes over us, and we grew up as a male and it's hard to unlearn what society taught us a guy should be.

[CaptLex]

What would happen if you allowed both sides to merge? :raisedeyebrow:

[Maggie Kay]

I'm 57 and a TS so I can speak to how I discovered that I was not a CDer and instead a female. At first, I was convinced it was the fabric or the fit of the panties. Then it wasn't enough and I needed more. I discovered that I had some breast development after I contracted adult mumps. I was overjoyed. As I had a prostate conditinon, I took Saw Palmetto and Genestein which made my breasts sore and start to grow. My nipples hurt and I loved it. I had to have bodysuits for sleepwear. I had to underdress every day. It was sort of sexual at first but not like any other turn on. Then I had to have a bra. Soon after that, I had to wear a bra all the time. It was because my breasts were growing and constantly sore, I said I needed the bra or I couldn't stand to ride in a car or take walks. Cold weather was excruciating on my nipples.
Then I had to wear women's pants and polo shirts. I still looked male but was wearing female clothes. I started to let my hair grow out eventually to 18 inches. I kept it in a pony tail. Thoughts of cutting it sent me into panic. I had several huge purges during this period and the result was that I could not work and nearly collapsed. I was praying to have this "CDing" taken away from me but it only got stronger. Then I started DIY HRT. I have a degree in Chemistry and attended a med school for a year as a grad student taking all the same courses as the first year med students, so I knew pretty much what I was doing.
Now, I am in full transiton and living as a woman. I have a legal name change to Margaret and my family accepts but detests me being a woman. My situation at home is tenuous.
So what makes the difference? Progression is one thing. As I discovered more and more was necessary, I began to put things together about my feelings of being a guy and I realized that I wasn't a guy. It took me about a year to accept it after I got the first stuff. I did go back and forth many many times from gal to guy as recently as last year.
It was to be seven more years before my family accepted and I slowed down my transition because of them.

Your situation may be completely different. This was my path.

[Cai]

I don't have a gender identity until I'm around other people, honestly. When I'm at home, reading or working on schoolwork, I'm just me. It doesn't matter what I'm wearing so long as I'm comfortable.

I don't feel there's any reason to separate who you are during the day from who you are in the evening. Even if you have to present a certain way due to family or work constraints, you never stop being YOU. Gender expression can be fluid, but the basis of who you are doesn't change in the course of a day.

[CaptLex]

I don't have a gender identity until I'm around other people, honestly. When I'm at home, reading or working on schoolwork, I'm just me. It doesn't matter what I'm wearing so long as I'm comfortable.
:clap: Now that I understand! :smilep:

[Scotty]

Yeah sometimes someone will say something and I get a bit guilty b/c I don't want to be out.

Yesterday a gal at work was commenting how feminine I am...and a belt I wear - womens - she said that's something SHE would wear. (She meant it as a compliment)....but it gives me pause...

I am comfortable with this now t hough, I'm not afraid to tell anyone at work I have a strong femme side.

Two spirits, not one, TWO :)

[Kimberley]

For me there has never been any question in my mind as to where I belong. I have always known.

My problem has been how to deal with being "female in a male body" (I really do detest that analogy) and world. Nothing fit physically, emotionally or socially. So to "fit" in I overcompensated suppressed Kimberley for decades and am now paying one hell of a price for that.

So if I "waiver" it is usually to accommodate others sensibilities; something my pdoc has pointed out is actually harming me. I dont waiver on gender identity only on presentation. UGH!!!

That said it is changing and has been for a while. I dont know what the future holds nor can I predict. Only that I will either triumph with all this or get buried by it.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[christina marie]

can relate to your situation very well,seems to be about where i am at in life now too. work and family need him, he needs to be her to feel like him/herself,all very complicated and confusing sometimes,other times not at all,just being me. sorry i dont have any wonderful insights on all this,but at least at least we're not the only ones feeling this way.

[Jena11]

Well, for me I only waiver on presantation to others, I never waivered on the thoughts that I was a woman and will not be truley happy until that happens. I seem like everyone on this board has waivered at times. It is the challenge of being who we are. Jena

[Raychel]

For me most of the time I am just confused. When I am dressed as a guy all that I can think about is the next time that I will get to be dolled up. When I am dolled up. I fear getting caught and start thinking about all the guy things that I should be doing. and not waisting the time being dressed. But here I am all dolled up and think that I should be outside doing yardwork.

[Sarah...]

No, I think my gender ID has always been fixed. The difference is that now I can accept that. So it's working out well for me to regard myself with the name I chose years and years ago and the gender ID I've had for as long as I can remember.

I go to sleep as me, wake up as me, go to work as me, come home as me, raise my kids as me, have fun as me.

Sarah...

[melissaK]

What would happen if you allowed both sides to merge? :raisedeyebrow:

Gotta go with the good Captain's idea here . . . and tweak Scottie's two spirits reference to mean that the two spirits live as one in us . . . how you chose to express your internal duality is up to you.

For me the all male role was just that, a role. The emptiness I felt in not ever being me and always being "in character" was too much to handle. I have long known that the only reason I don the male role is to please others and meet their expectations.

hugs,
'lissa

[Scotty]

Gotta go with the good Captain's idea here . . . and tweak Scottie's two spirits reference to mean that the two spirits live as one in us . . . how you chose to express your internal duality is up to you.

For me the all male role was just that, a role. The emptiness I felt in not ever being me and always being "in character" was too much to handle. I have long known that the only reason I don the male role is to please others and meet their expectations.

hugs,
'lissa

Well said, that is how I feel.