Have you ever told someone and then been betrayed.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi girls,
Tamara's post about her dilema really got me thinking. We have been let down in the past quite inocently but thoughtlessly by a friend who used our situation to persuade his mum and sister that his CDing was acceptable and not some fetish because so called normal peopl like me and my partner indulged in it. Nearly backfired big time because it turned out his sister knew a member of my church. Thankfully nothing ever came of it but I was sweating for a while there because although I am not ashamed of what Jay does, I would like if anything for us to be the ones who inform the world and not someone else.

Have any of you actually confided in someone who has let you down and betrayed the trust that you put in them and if so did it have consequences.
Take care
Bev

[Beth-Lock]

I told a woman friend, and then a neighbour of hers found out (via a buidling employee, who should have kept what he knew confidential, instead of doing the opposite and hyping it), and she shared too much of what she knew with the first man, and next thing I was fearing for my life. Also lost the friendship of the woman who still scowls at me when we run into each other. What a fiasco.
Now I am avoding making friends here completely since I want to be just another stranger in the crowd. That would seem to be safer and in the end, because more survivable, more practical. Unfortunately the loneliness resulting is depressing. But at least things have leveled out.

[sandra-leigh]

I told a woman friend, and then a neighbour of hers found out (via a buidling employee, who should have kept what he knew confidential, instead of doing the opposite and hyping it), and she shared too much of what she knew with the first man, and next thing I was fearing for my life.

I don't seem to be clear on who "the first man" is? Is "the first man" the neighbour of the woman friend?

How did the building employee find out? Listening at windows or air ducts, or happened to be around one of the times it was discussed?

How did losing the friendship of the woman friend come about? Was she upset/displeased about the cross-dressing, or was it part of the fall-out about the building employee telling? Was the woman somehow responsible for the building employee finding out?

[Nicole Erin]

I am not really closeted in my CDing so I have not had this problem. I don't tell everyone I meet but I don't really go to lengths to hide it.

Thing is, people love to talk about things like that. Some people love to gossip and finding out that someone is CDing is great gossip material for the non-TG people.

YOu always have to be careful who you tell what cause you never know what your relationship will be like down the road. Some friendships do turn real ugly.

[MJ]

well i told my wife . the consequences was that she outed me to everyone . in the long run she did me a favor as i am full time and love it ...and she did all the work

[AmandaM]

I told a girlfriend since we were getting serious. She told all my friends, cheated with two of them, then all my friends ostracized me, then I went into a depression and had major anxiety. Finally, I was alone. Now I just make friends with my wive's friends and girls at work. I have one guy friend and keep him at arms distance.

[BobbieAnne]

You know reading these posts makes me realize that I too have been the victum of someone else "outing" me.My wife and I divorced after 18 years of marrage and I moved out and got my own place. It was her infidelity and not my CDing that caused the split.She never knew of my dressing, but low and behold one evening she came to my house and caught me dressed cooking dinner. I excused myself and went into the bedroom and quickly changed clothes.When i came out she acted like nothing had happened. Then I come to find out from my oldest stepson she was telling all my friends what she saw. Now it seems they quit calling me and inviting me to all the festivities.You know its going to happen that way when people who thought they knew you find out that they don't know the real you. (Does anyone?)Yes the lonliness really sucks, but new friends can and will be made. Friends that will know Bobbie for who she is.

[tracigirl_tv]

... in the long run she did me a favor as i am full time and love it ...and she did all the work

MJ, love your perspective on that *lol*

Bev, I made a decision years ago and have kept to it: keeping my CDing entirely separate from my professional life. There have been a couple of times when I've been sorely tempted to share this with someone in my work life who has been very friendly, but I didn't share it.

On the other side of the coin, I've been so fortunate to find a caring, encouraging GG in my personal life, so Traci does have an outlet :)

[tricia_uktv]

Yes, I told my ex-partner who went on to tell my Mother and my Sister. Not a nice person but she is my ex and I am now pretty much totally out. So I suppose that is called a good result! Hard at the time though for all of us.

[AKAMichelle]

I told a girlfriend who I felt a serious attraction to. I did this because I didn't want her falling in love with me without knowing the truth about me. A couple of days later I found out that she told her good friend and neighbor. Now I have to feel funny everytime she sees me. I don't know exactly how to feel about the betrayal. I'm trying to understand, but so far no bad effects from it.

[Dixie]

My wife of 18 years told my sister after we seperated, but she (my sister) has kept it to herself.

[Shelly67]

The tongue certainly is a mighty and painful weapon.
Makes me wonder , all those people who spread this gossip about a person who crossdresses.... do you think in theyre quietest moments alone they take pleasure from it ? Or is it possible reality bites them with regret and maturity ?
Perhaps they are hiding something themselves , using this spitefulness as a smokescreen ?

[Beth-Lock]

Tess-Leigh:
The first man is the neighbour of the woman x-friend. I did not want to get into the details, because they could be used to identify me. To that end I have skipped the details. But the main point was how telling someone led, if somewhat indirectly, via chain reaction, to a major fiasco, even though I was not that deep into the closet, (after all, I had told the woman).

[darla_g]

I had a really good female friend at work, i mean really good, she would always me about her dating situation was, her sex life, we would discuss sex and relationships etc, I was married but she even knew my wife. Ok that sets the picture.

I had my Halloween experience i mentioned in another post . So i was just busting a gut wanting to tell someone and i thought she would be perfect. So i confided in her. Big Mistake! she bugged me like you wouldn't believe for weeks she wanted to see the pics and bring it up at very bad times. I tried hinting to tone it down but she wouldn't take a subtle hint. Eventually she moved to a different building so i didn't see her as often and eventually she left for another job.

So that is my lessons learned from that experience!

[trannie T]

I've told a couple people about myself and so far I think they have kept the secret, when I told them I was aware of the potential for me to be outed. I don't worry about it, I no longer am ashamed to be a crossdresser and would not be harmed if I was to be outed.

[Tasha T]

Of course I've been betrayed. That's what telling people your a crossdresser is all about. No one can keep it a secret. It's just too juicy.

The worst instance was when I confided in a "safe" person who did hair and makeup for crossdressers. I opened up and told her everything thinking that it would never make it outside the shop (a promise she had to make in order to get the job). She told her two best friends who, amazingly, were guys I worked closely with in a city over an hour away (the odds of that were astronomical). The result was that they told everyone I worked with, including the boss, and each day of work became a living nightmare for me. People went from being nice to me to treating me like a second class citizen. Ultimately my contract was not renewed and I was coldly dismissed with no reason given.

[Faye56]

I confided in the one person I thought I could really trust and that was my sister , despite aiding her and her family over the years with housing and welfare she did after my refusal to bankroll her daugthers latest hairbrained scheme threaten to expose all to my family and friends. I have lost my trust in her and many others , but they in my mind are the losers as I would have always been there for them.

[crusadergirl]

I told a friend at work b/c i was going to move in with him and i didn't want him freaking out seeing me dressed up, and he told alot ppl at work i like to dress as a girl for fun. But nothing happened i don't think anyone believed him. But i was shocked he told after he said he would never say tell anyone. Mistake on my part.

[Bev06 GG]

The worst instance was when I confided in a "safe" person who did hair and makeup for crossdressers. I opened up and told her everything thinking that it would never make it outside the shop (a promise she had to make in order to get the job). She told her two best friends who, amazingly, were guys I worked closely with in a city over an hour away (the odds of that were astronomical). .
That is terrible, a professional breaking a confidence like that. How awful, it makes you wonder what else she divulges from other clients.
Bev

[suzym4u]

I confided in my wife at the time and when things started going downhill in our marriage, she outted me to her mother and her best friend. Her mother has never been able to keep her mouth shut about ANYTHING.

Well, her mother took it upon herself to let other members of their family know that the problems in our marriage were caused by my CDing.

There were things that my wife and I did together while I was dressed, very intimate and personal things, that gave me hope that she would never tell anyone about my CDing. Afterall, what does it say about her to do some of the things she did with me en femme? There's no way she'd also "out" herself.

Stupid me.

[Karren H]

Told my brother when we were younger and he even saw me enfemme.... So we were in the neighborhood with some of my friends and he started to tell them.... I beat the crap out of him right then and there......... And as far as I know he never told anyone or tried to....

[Kate Simmons]

I told my brother in confidence (or so I thought) about 6 years ago. He proceeded to blab it to the rest of my family. Now that the secret is "out" it doesn't matter much. It was kind of disquieting at the time however and I will never trust him again.:straightface:

[RikkiOfLA]

My first wife and I decided to tell her sister thinking she would be cool. She was not! Indeed, her true colors came out when she told their father that I must have molested their brother's daughter, since she and I once went into a public restroom at the airport together. This led to him demanding that my wife divorce me. When she refused, he disowned her a few months before her death. Can you believe it????

Since my first wife's death, I'm glad to be able to say they're not my inlaws anymore!

Rikki

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Rikki,
Its difficult to believe that people could be that narrow minded isn't it. Talk about stereotyping and classing CDs with perverts and child molesters. I sincerely hope that this man has had time to reflect in the light of his daughters death and bitterly regrets his actions. Although I have to say that might be asking too much because generally people who hold such hard lines are very hard hearted stubborn individuals.

Its awful that you lost your wife but I bet your not sorry about losing the rest of her family.
Bev

[Emily Anderson]

Not sure if I'm allowed to answer this question, seeing as it is directed toward people that have been betrayed, as opposed to those who haven't.

Still, I thought it might be interesting to know that I only associate with people who are trustworthy and intelligent enough to not go spreading the word for sake of gossip, sensationalism, blackmail or other forms of abuse.

And yet, many people know.

Choose your friends carefully!

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

I just don't understand why when a friend tells you something in strict confidence,some people feel that they have to broadcast it to the whole world. I could never ever do that.


We have one friend and we could never tell him anything.He loves to gossip. He'll tells about this person or that person does this & that. One time I just came right out and told you shouldn't gossiping. He didn't say a word after that.

That why my wife & I prefer to keep the CDing just between us. When I was younger I dealt with alot of BS on other issues, but Now that I'm in my young 40's,I just don't what to deal with it anymore.


Felicity :)

[antonia10]

the only person i ever confided in was my wife and like a few others here our relationship went down hill very quickley and i have been divorced for two years now it does make you hesitant of telling any one else

[Glenda]

I suppose that many, if not most, of us have been betrayed by people we know at one time or another to varying degrees. A vengeful girlfriend that I broke up with called my job and my parents. No negative results from that. Of course, my dressing was just one of many outrageous and mostly untrue things that she said. She didn't have any credibility at all.

A good friend and his wife came by my home one evening when I was dressed. I was out to a lot of my friends but not all. I talked about it openly with them and we had a wonderful time. They discussed it with some of my older friends that didn't know about it. No negative repercussions from that either. I would have been out to them sooner or later anyway. I haven't lost any friendships or respect because of it. I don't really feel betrayed by them.

If you're wanting to stay in the closet that's one thing. If you're stepping out of it anyway that's another. Now it is talked about openly everywhere I go. Last night I was having a beer with a friend. He was asking about my dressing and said he was so surprised when he moved here in 2000. He said when he first moved here and would go to the bar or ice house that he asked people about my painted nails and sandals. Everyone just said, "Oh, that's just Glen. He's a crossdresser." He has seen me dressed on numerous occasions. What really surprised Les so much is that I live in Texas and frequent some places that have a lot of rednecks and prejudiced people who accept this side of me so openly.

Someday we may not have to hide.

[Amy Hepker]

Yes, I have had xgirlfriends tell my friends about me.

[Bootsiegalore]

Told my brother when we were younger and he even saw me enfemme.... So we were in the neighborhood with some of my friends and he started to tell them.... I beat the crap out of him right then and there......... And as far as I know he never told anyone or tried to....

Funny how sometimes a good beating is the best problem solver!

Tara

[Stormgirl]

Yeah I told a GG and she betrayed me hence my bitterness towards females but I know not all are you are evil or bad. So don't take it personally when I make a sexist comment.I'm trying to get over the whole experience and move on. I still have love for Tam and the other GGs on this board. :hugs:

[SabrinaDubh]

My other hobby is the Societ for Creative Anachronism (SCA) and I am fairly active and well known in the society.

I once told a girl (also SCA) I was dating as it was getting serious. She loved it and everything was fine until I caught her telling some people at an event that I didn't know. I explained to her (again) that this wasn't something we discussed with strangers.

Fast forward 4 years. We're no longer dating. I am married (to someone else) and in a casual conversation with my wife I am told, to my horror that back then she told EVERYBODY. My wife looked at me and said, "Sweetheart, everyone knows you're a cross dresser thanks to Ol' Miss Devil Spawn." :eek: Fortunately for me the SCA is a very accepting place, and only a few people mentioned it to me. Though I heard that there was quite alot of discussion behind my back.

Today I firmly believe that 1) Unless they absolutely positively life-and-death have to know, don't tell them. And 2) that unless you are absolutely ready to come out to everybody that you should never ever tell anybody.

[Daintre]

I was betrayed by a very close "friend" who I trusted with my most sensitive secrets.We were volunteers for a youth organization, he told the head of that organization, and I had no choice but to lie and say that this "friend" was a liar, case closed and friendship dissolved.

[Cary]

They say the best way to keep a secret a secret is to not tell anybody. (It be hard if cought dressed.) I have learned the hard way MANY MANY times that no matter the secret, when push comes to shove it's gonna come out. It's human nature. People like gossip. Poeple will also use any means to hurt or defend if they feel threaten.:2c:

[Beth-Lock]

I also told my sister, and I have no idea how many people she blabbed it to. When I told the Minister at our church, thinking it was a big deal to come out to her, she had already heard, (from my sister). But then I guess we are blabber-mouths in our family.
An old philosopher said, "Don't tell anything to a friend that you would conceal from an enemy." I guess that is the philosophy behind staying in the closet.

[LindaC]

Yea, I told a GG I thought was my friend.

Taught me a lession about trusting people I'll never forget

[CD Susan]

When I told my wife of 15 years that I was a cd she could not accept this and we eventually divorced because of this. She did not keep to herself what I confided to her. She told all of our relatives and friends including our son who was 9 years old at the time. I know this to be true as she told me that she told all of these people during the divorce. She even brought it up in the court room during the divorce proceedings. So I was outed to the world by the one person that I thought that I could trust. It mattered little though as no one reacted negatively to this. When my son was 16 he told me he knew this about me and he understood and accepted it. It is sad that his mother did not possess this level of maturity.

[Joy Carter]

Not that I told him. But a friend of over forty years, found out and told every Tom Dick and Harry. He couldn't understand why I no longer want to be friends. It took me quite a while to get over his betrayal (we even worked together). But he cost me my job, because he didn't have the courage to stand up for me, instead he decided to lie about who started the whole thing. I have forgiven him for my sake. But I can't forget.

[Lora Olivia]

Yep... the night I told youngest daughter, she told someone else
at least she told me she had outed me. Still blew me away that she threw that moment away. And since after anyone knows!!! your secret, it is no longer a secret. we really have 2 choices, either NO one knows or the acceptance of the fact everyone may

[Dawn Marie]

Told my brother when we were younger and he even saw me enfemme.... So we were in the neighborhood with some of my friends and he started to tell them.... I beat the crap out of him right then and there......... And as far as I know he never told anyone or tried to....

Way to go Karen!! I guess that got his attention.

[cdmindymi]

I told my wife, and she is very supporting, then after about a year she told her sister. She and her sister are very close; her sister had asked some question that lead into that direction. I think she was already suspecting. I had wanted to tell her early but didn’t find the time. With the things that were going on in our lives at that time it was easier for my wife to tell her about Mindy. At first I didn’t like it, it was a trust thing, but after a while I started to email her sister as Mindy. We spent about six months emailing back and fourth. I found that her sister was asking some very good questions about tg’s and the way things are. I really enjoyed talking with her and learned something about my self. She wanted to meet me as Mindy, but I told her that I wasn’t comfortable around other people. (I feel to much like a truck driver in a dress) It has died off some, we still write some but not as much. Sometime I worry about what if she tells someone else, but I don’t think that she would. If she did then I would have to deal with it just like everything in life. After the last few months I don’t think it would be so hard to deal with it. I am just about to the point if someone finds out so what, it’s up to them to deal with it. I don’t care, I not going to make a big deal out of it. A gurl can hope can’t she?
I read here how bad some of you girl have been treated, but what I see is how it has made you stronger, and better. I am sorry for your pain, although it dose makes it easier to love you for whom you really are.

[DAVIDA]

Yes, I have been, and it hurt very much. Several years ago, Jean and I helped support our grand children who, at the time, were being taken care of by her X-husbands X-wife.:eek: Long story. Well, our(my step) daughter was a very angry person during this period of time. She told her now husband, our grandsons, their dad, and who knows else. She tried to deny that she did it, but I knew better. It was a very sore spot for a long time. Since then things have gotten a lot better and within the last year, she told me the truth and apologized. She also said that she told everybody that she made it up to hurt us. The thing that she didn't realize was that I was always there for her. Anytime someone started to say something about her, I stopped them. The entire two years that she did not talk to us, I never wavered in her defense and support. I guess that is what love is all about. Now she is far from home and we miss her tremendously. Last time she was here, we went shoe shopping almost every day! I have a pair of killer shoes waiting on her now!

Dammit now i'm crying!

[Deidra Cowen]

Well I won't call it betrayal ..but my daughter told her boyfriend about me being trans. Was not happy about that but there seemed to be no reprecussions so far. I am more worried about my kids catching grief than me personally so I try to tell her to be careful. My son still does not know or at least never has asked or let on.

[jenalex]

I think "betrayed" is a harsh word. If you've told someone, you have to accept that they might tell someone else. In fact they might need to talk to a friend about it, who might then tell someone else, etc. Really if you want to be sure of confidentiality you'd do better to talk to a trans helpline or the samaritans or something.