The meaning of TG/TS

[emmicd]

I admit I am a crossdresser and I am very secretive about it. I tell no one but do dress from time to time in some feminine clothes in public but pretty discretly. I'm talking pants and a girl's polo. Not dresses! Though I would love to wear a dress in public!

I save my dresses and swimsuits for dressing at home by myself.

My question is this:

How do you know if you are TG/TS?

I do admit to having feelings of wanting to be a woman. I always wished I was a girl when I was young but I kept it to myself.

I am happily married to a woman I love and care very much for and I am the proud father of a son.

I can not ever see myself transitioning but I really have this need or internal desire to want to buy and wear pretty dresses and fantasize about having a female body.

So what does this all mean?

emmi

[Sarah...]

Hi Emmi. That could have been me you were writing about! Firstly, the fact that you are married to a woman you love and have a family is one thing. CDing is another. TG yet another. However these things are not necessarily mutually incompatible. You commit to a relationship at a stage in your life when you feel it is right to do so. So you have done this, which is great, and now you have a family, which is also great.

This doesn't mean that you stop growing as a person. Everyone changes as they grow. So now your CD / TG feelings are stronger. Snap! Me too! This means some additional understanding is required as to how this impacts on your life. Some serious talking is required, if not with your SO at present then with someone else, professional or otherwise.

If you are asking the questions that you obviously are then you may be realising that it's not a question of how you know, you just do, and may need to simply accept that part of yourself. What will set you apart as a star individual is how you manage all this going forward. It will not be easy but it is not impossible. I have made a start myself and am taking it slowly. I am lucky that I can talk with my SO.

Members here with better experience in the use of this forum will probably be able to point you in the direction of numerous other threads on this subject.

The thing is, this is quite common and it simply means you are recognising your own individuality and personality.

I'm not sure I can answer your questions directly as the answer is different for everyone, but I can say I am where you are on the subject of transitioning and understand completely. So if nothing else I offer a heartfelt and sincere message of support.

Hugs

Sarah...

[Steph Butterfield]

Hi emmi,

The answer to this question could turn into a novel, so I'll not do that.

Anyone who strongly identifies as TS knows from a young age that something ain't right with their body. TS people will give up everything to transition.

As for TG, that is a large umbrella term which takes in a whole host of transgender people, crossdressers, transvestites etc, they too know from a young age that the have a desire to dress as the opposite sex.

The difference between the TS and the wider TG is that the TS has an unbreakable need to live full time in the gender opposite to their birth gender. Where as the TG are happy with their birth gender, whilst exploring their gender identity through dressing in the clothes they prefer.

Wherever you fit into the transgender spectrum, it is a journey of discovery, and I wish you well with it.

xx


Stephanie

[Nicki B]

CDing is another. TG yet another.

Perhaps they're better thought of as different degrees along a scale? :idontknow:


The difference between the TS and the wider TG is that the TS has an unbreakable need to live full time in the gender opposite to their birth gender. Where as the TG are happy with their birth gender, whilst exploring their gender identity through dressing in the clothes they prefer.

I really don't think you can make that assumption, Steph. This so often isn't about blacks and whites and clear differences?

[Kimberley]

Emmi, you are just expressing your desires to be more open about your crossdressing; in my opinion anyway.

To be TS is a whole other ballgame. It is something we just know internally that our true self is female. It isnt a desire to be female but knowing that we are. This sets up the horrific conflict of Gender Dysphoria. Transition is something we NEED not just desire even though many of us cannot do it for one reason or another. This is where the trans really does have depth of meaning.

One can be a CD and still be cisgendered in my opinion. (hold the bullets folks it is my opinion and I am not about to start a thesis on the subject) I think a lot of CD's get confused by this. Reading the words and having the feelings and depth of conflict (even to suicidal ideation and worse) is a lot different from wanting to escalate Xdressing.

Once transitioned we are cisgendered.

Hope this makes a shred of sense for you.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[shirley1]

Hi,

As someone who has only just recently identified themselves as TS, although I do agree to some extent that for some they seemingly know from an early age, I dont think this is always the case though.

For me I have never had much in the way of relationships with women because I have always felt there was something not just right about, ie I felt inadequate as a man in a relationship, and I am not gay by the way !

But I dont think its as clear cut as to say all ts's knew they were from an early age and needed to transition as a matter of life and death, there surely has to be different degrees of gender dysphoria, and it can get worse as someone gets older.

And if knowing from such an early age, as someone recently said to me why are there so many 40 plus age transexuals finally transitioning, no not all identify it when they are younger, some just feel something is wrong, potentially like I did, but are not certain as to what it is, it can take many years for some of us to either find ourselves or finally come out of denial.

[GypsyKaren]

Not all TS'ers will give up everything in order to transition, in fact most don't. I'm sure they'd like to, but everyone has to take family and their personal lives into account. Also, not all TS'ers know from an early age, everyone's different. I think there's plenty who won't allow themselves to even think about it for a long time because of different reasons, it's like they don't want to know because it is something that can be hard to accept.

I think Nicki brought up something that should be remembered, that you can't make blanket statements for anyone because we're all different. Sometimes this trans business is clear cut, sometimes you're in murky waters, and sometimes you're just plain scared.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Steph Butterfield]

Well my family all ditched me when I came out to them in 2006, so the choice between not transitioniing and becoming a happy individual or not transitioning and living the rest of my life miserable, there was no contest. They ditched me, not me them.

This has been the experience of many of my friends too, they have had same experiences.

At no stage did I suggest that transgender was a black and white issue either.

Stephanie

[GypsyKaren]

Well my family all ditched me when I came out to them in 2006, so the choice between not transitioniing and becoming a happy individual or not transitioning and living the rest of my life miserable, there was no contest. They ditched me, not me them.

This has been the experience of many of my friends too, they have had same experiences.

At no stage did I suggest that transgender was a black and white issue either.

Stephanie

That's why so many don't transition, the price can be too high. I got forced out of my career and had to retire early, and I wasn't exactly ready to do that...and Stephanie, I don't think you suggested anything, you've raised some very good points.:hugs:

Karen Starlene :star:

[Kimberley]

A couple of excellent points here. The difference between the "primary" and "secondary or latent" TS. Not every TS knows from an early age. Certainly some of us do as in my case but others emerge later in life. It is no less difficult for them, in fact I should imagine it is more difficult because of the "sudden" change or rather "awakening" as I prefer to call it.

Regardless, in the end it is still all about your feelings and needs not about dressing (although it is part of it). I stand on my point though, that after transition we are cisgendered even if we still retain the trans title as a description of where we came from. Some do and some dont.

It is impossible for someone else to define your feelings. Only you can do that and often the pdoc is there to help us clear all the other junk in the way. That is actually what prevents us from seeing, and more importantly, experiencing the real person we are.

All you can do is look inward for answers and be brave enough to ask the questions.

[Nicki B]

At no stage did I suggest that transgender was a black and white issue either.

Steph, you said that TGs were happy with their birth gender. I don't believe you can know that - it's certainly not true for me. Dysphoria certainly isn't just the preserve of those who transition?

[Kimberley]

I believe that some dysphoria exists across the entire spectrum. I think what sets the TS aside in this respect is that it becomes overwhelming and all consuming in life; not for a few days or weeks but in perpetuity. Some of us try to live with it and others are able to go to transition.

Regardless, as Karen pointed out, there is a very high price for transition and it isnt always the obvious. We are often blindsided by the unexpected and and betrayals but it does make us stronger because we DO have to face the problems. Transition certainly isnt something any of us take lightly but we do welcome it.

As for TG definition I think what is trying to be said is to define those who self identify as androgynes etc. From my contacts and experience they are closer to the TS side of things but not quite sure that they could follow through to transition because of their feelings. They too suffer GD but they dont feel the compelling need to transition desipite the feeling of being largely gendered opposite their sex. Again, it all comes down to feelings.

As I have said continuously over the years, trying to fit into any label is a waste of time and energy. It is much better to work at acceptance of who and what you are than to identify to any undefined and obscure label. Even WPATH try to avoid this trap despite the medical necessity. My pdoc detests pigeonholing anyone with a label that is for sure.

Huggs,
Kimberley

[emmicd]

I really appreciate all the heartfelt and very informative responses to my question from all you lovely women. I have been contemplating my personal situation for a long time and I have come to the conclusion that I certainly am a M-F crossdresser and I am also transgendered. It has been a long time for me to accept this fact. The reality for me though is I am very comfortable knowing that I am feminine and have an internal desire and need to crossdress. I also have come to accept that I do feel trapped and that I am a woman deep down to my inner being.

However I am also married to a special woman and I have a son who means everything to me.

My reality is that I will not transition but I will certainly feel the need always to dress. I was once foolish enough to think my crossdressing days and feelings would one day magically go away. I was very naive.

I know that my inner feelings will always be there. I however choose not to act on those feelings. I could definitely see myself wanting to do the HRT and transition but I am scared and I love my family too much. I can not afford to lose everything. I worked to hard for what I have. I also need to be strong for my wife and son.

My feeling is that when I have lived my life I want to say I did the best I could to be loving and caring and I was extremely supportive and strong in my convictions and provided a good stable environment and was always there for my family.

I don't want to hurt anyone and I want to be my son's biggest advocate and strong supportive father.

I wish to be at peace and happy as I wish this for my son as well.

Thank you all for your kind responses. I am very appreciative.

emmi

[Kimberley]

Emmi, I think your familial loyalties are admirable. These are the same things that have kept me from transitioning. Still, I cannot say that I wont. I can only say that today I havent. For me each passing day becomes more difficult to live with the "lie".

Please just always be conscious of your own needs and try to meet them. For too many years, (actually a lifetime), I put others needs ahead of my own and now I am paying a horrendous price for that. Dont lose yourself because of others or you could find the same price in mental health is a heavy one.

As I said, only you know yourself. Please just dont rule out what may have to be done for your own sanity because of others.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[shirley1]

Hi,

Well thats just the biggest problem isnt it for so many of us, we know we would be happier living as women but we also know how difficult it is going to make it for our family/friends ect.

I am not married no kids so technically I have got a lot less to loose than many, but I still have a mother and a sister, to be honest I dont really care about what my few friends think, friends are replaceable, family are not !

I am now at the stage where I am trying to distance myself from my family (ie I live alone) I know its not the answer, but it just seems like the easiest thing to do at the moment, bridge a gap between them and me and then it gives me more freedom to pursue some form of new life away from them, thinking that if when they eventually find out about what I am doing/planning it will make it easier for me. I know it is being selfish on my part but I cant seem to find any other way at the moment.

I just seem to see my family as being an obsticle standing in my way and like I say I know its the wrong attitude to take, but I just cant get away from that line of thinking.

You cant live your life for other people that much I am convinced of now, you have to be true to yourself or you will just go through life excisting rather than really living.

Everyone surely has a right to be happy regardless of what others think of you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Emmi thanks for sharing your story and i think all you are doing is sorting it out as you go along. i am so happy for you..

for me, we divorced 2 years ago and i share custody ...i love them all..even my ex

but have recently felt more trapped and depressed than i ever thought was possible....simply stated i was totally not in peace with myself..iwas finding social interaction intolerable!!!

so i am exploring steps to transition and i am keeping them as steps to make sure i don't screw up...

one thing i have found enormously helpful was to get out and actually meet other tgirls of all stripes/sizes/colors..lol...if you are still questioning yourself, i find that by comparing yourself to other tgirls cd ts etc etc...you can learn alot about yourself and also learn that there are basically as many definitions of tg folks as there tg folks..

[Kimberley]

Hi Michelle
You may want to try to socialize with GG's as yourself. I think you may find a lot more to be learned than socializing largely within the community. If you plan to transition, this is a big part of it.

Yes, as a community we do have a great deal of insight and support for one another, but transition really does mean moving abroad from our community and socializing as our true gender. It is the key to a successful transition in my opinion.

Just a thought.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Kaitlyn Michele]

kim...thats a great thought. i agree with you
i have lots of girlfriends actually...for me its been a steady progression for the past 5 years..

i am not planning a transition as much as taking steps that are likely to lead me there...my heads on straight...i have one tg friend for example and i hang out with her wife and her wife's friend..we get along wonderfully...

as i get closer to realizing something that is so important to me i'm still struggling with shame/guilt issues that hold me back and i see alot of posters that are questioning their feelings..i especially have spent alot of time doing that so i like these kinds of conversations and sharing of experience.

[emmicd]

To all my friends:

I am very encouraged by all your shared personal experiences and kind words. I know being TG is not easy and sometimes is very frustrating. I have my good days and bad days. I am very fortunate to have a family and I am very committed to them. To me dressing when I can is a very important aspect of my life. I also am happy when I can shop for my dresses and female fashions and feel perfectly natural about it. Sometimes I encounter intuitive women who are trying to figure me out. Sometimes I feel they can tell I am TG because they smile at me and seem warm.

I do admit I enjoy very much my femme side. I do also enjoy being a loving and caring father. I am so confused sometimes!

emmi

xoxo

[Empress Lainie]

This girl is one who always knew she was different from other men even from very young, but didn't know why, until I was 72, then realized that I have always been a female person in this body. Started 24/7 the next day.
My body is so feminine that sometimes I wonder if I am not an XX male. Of course when I was young there was no information available so I had no clue. I didn't even know ts's existed until 1979.

I totally envy the lucky ones who know as soon as they can talk that they are in the wrong body.

In my community there are many of us who either didn't realize it until 40 or 50 something, or were not able to pay the price socially of transitioning. Then two lucky couples I know stayed together during and after.

I only lost my ex-wife who won't see me anymore, and we still loved each other and were lovers. But she told me she saw it coming for years.

Seems like everyone knew but me. I was the last one to know I was TS.