Update on 16-yr-old CDing son

[it.be.only.me]

Hi Y'all,

Sorry I did not update the forum. I have been emailing a couple of y'all in private email but was told that others would like to hear how things are going. I am currently on a business trip with my husband in NH.

I am now in contact with an Atlanta group and plan to meet with one of the members next week when I get back home. My son is too young to officially belong to the group, but they accept family members willing to be supportive.

My husband has taken the stance that he will not punish or belittle my sons behavior, but he will not encourage it or support him either. He will simply tolerate it and let my son know that he does not approve of it. He compared the need to crossdress with our oldest sons need to be pierced and tatooed.

Because their are mixed feelings within the family concerning Josh's partial crossdressing we have had to set some boundaries. Anyone who is mean to him about it will be punished. Josh, who lives in a bedroom in the finished off basement by choice because it's cooler down there, is free to cross-dress there anytime he feels girly and anyone going downstairs must respect his freedom there. He is not to wear his bra stuffed or be crossdressed when he is upstairs if family is home. He can crossdress upstairs if we are out. I will give a ten minute warning call for him to change when we are nearly home. This compromise developed pretty much by accident one night when he did not want to go to the movies with us. He came to the stairwell door and simply said, "Mom, I don't want to go. I'm feeling, you know, kinda girly right now." I said ok and told him I would call him when we were almost home so he would have a few moments to change or go back to his safe zone. I missed him while we were at the movies, but he was happy when we got home and that made me happier. He got to dress up, played some video games upstairs while dressed girly, and actually did some cleaning upstairs for me while we were out. I know it's still pretty restrictive on him, but everyone in the family is at different acceptance levels. The key point is that we are talking about it and trying to work it out as a family.

Just like everyone likes to have friends who can relate to them, I wish we could find a group that accepts him. Even though he is only 16, he needs support too. We are taking it one day at a time though and he'll be 18 before we know. Makes me want to cry...

Thanks to everyone who wrote notes to me. Even though I did not respond to each one directly, I did read all the replies. They are helping me adjust and in a round-about way helping Josh (who has not told me a female name to use yet for his girly moments).

[charlie]

Hello Beth!
I think you are , as a family, truly bending over backwards to be supportive of your son. There is no belittling, a good deal of acceptance and he has an area where he can be who he wishes when he wants. You are a good Mom and Dad in my book!

[TerriM]

When I was your son's age I was paranoid about anybody finding out. I used to read about how people back then were treated for compulsive behavior with aversive therapy. I was so afraid that I would be put in a mental institution if my family found out. I think you and your husband are doing the right thing. I have five kids all grown, as far as i know none of them know.

Yours Terri

[Kieron Andrew]

Just like everyone likes to have friends who can relate to them, I wish we could find a group that accepts him. Even though he is only 16, he needs support too. .

Hi there, ive sent you an email, i hope it helps in some small way :)

[Ellie]

I think that it is GREAT that you are accepting him and his desires.

Compromises among family members can be complex at times even when it is just a couple w/o kids. As you mentioned he only has 2 more years at home so I'd say enjoy his company every chance that you get with him dressed in either mode.

Just my :2c:

[it.be.only.me]

Hi Kieron,

I wrote you back here and in private email, because I'm sure someone else will offer the same group info.

Sigma Epsilon is the same group that I have a meeting with one of the leaders next week. Small world. Unfortunately teens in their group means 18 or 19. It would be nice if they did accept under 18 with a parent's approval or something like that. The age restriction has something to do with legalities and protecting minors. I am happy that they accept family members and so I am able to be a mediator for my son until he turns 18. At that point he can choose to join their group or not. In the meantime, I get to be better educated on this wonderfully diverse world.

Thank you,

[Kieron Andrew]

Hi Kieron,

I wrote you back here and in private email, because I'm sure someone else will offer the same group info.

Sigma Epsilon is the same group that I have a meeting with one of the leaders next week. Small world. Unfortunately teens in their group means 18 or 19. It would be nice if they did accept under 18 with a parent's approval or something like that. The age restriction has something to do with legalities and protecting minors. I am happy that they accept family members and so I am able to be a mediator for my son until he turns 18. At that point he can choose to join their group or not. In the meantime, I get to be better educated on this wonderfully diverse world.

Thank you,

i didnt get the email but you are welcome....i will keep looking...im sure there are online groups out there in the meantime

[Bootsiegalore]

There are many books on these subjects and perhaps you could acquire them for individual family member review.

I must say that it sucks if one can not count on family for unconditional love and support. This is part of who we all are and it would be unfortunate if non-support and/or non encouragement became worse.

I only wish I could have faced myself at an earlier point in my life. When I was a child I played dress up with my sister and my dad beat the sh*t out of me and told me not to do it again.

Later in life my sister came out as gay and they wanted to kill themselves. Everyone is an individual and is different.

If you look back in history American indians have the "two-spirit" person. I just saw recently on a television show that the Greeks have a "god" who is both man and woman. It is all through history.... a revalation..... I just remembered......It was on Oprah and the book was "Middlesex".

I hope your family members can understand and be supportive because it will affect/effect the rest of his life.


Tara

[Deidra Cowen]

I think you are a truely great mom and you are going to help Josh avoid a lot of issues by being so supportive. Good luck and the group you are in touch with has some really nice people in it that do good things for the CD community such as speaking at local colleges. Hope they can help but I think you are going to be a such a postive force for Josh!

[Shelly Preston]

I think you have manged to reach the best compromise you possibly could given the circumstances

Well done for that, it could not have been easy for the whole family

[sandra-leigh]

Just like everyone likes to have friends who can relate to them, I wish we could find a group that accepts him. Even though he is only 16, he needs support too.

Is Youth Pride, http://www.youthpride.org still running? It claims to be for 13-24 LGBTQ . 1017 Edgewood Ave, Atlanta, phone numbers on the web site.

[Nicole Erin]

It must be tough. I guess being under 18 is not a problem most of us can relate to at this point in our lives, but tell him to hang in there cause when he does hit 18, many more doors will open up for so many things.

Maybe the local CD group would allow him to attend if accompanied by a parent.

[Jilmac]

Dear Mom, First I have to applaud your courage to stick by your son in this difficult age. It must be a good feeling for him to know there are some family members he can turn to when he needs encouragment and support. I started dressing at the tender age of 15 and had to hide from everybody because in 1960 if I had come out as a crossdresser, I would have been treated like the black sheep of the family.

It takes a lot of courage to be supportive of something you can't fully understand, but yet as a mom your love for your son trumps anything else. As a lifelong crossdresser I can assure you that your son's feminine urges will never go away. That doesn't necessarily mean that he will grow up to be a gay adult male. I have been straight all my life but still had the urge to dress and display my femininity, even if it was only for me.

My wife passed away last year and I was able to come out to the world. I am in a relationshp with a lady now who knows all about my dressing and is very encouraging as well as supportive. I'm sure that with your unconditional love and his dads tolerance he will become a young adult with a bright future. Keep up the loving support and please keep us updated on your son's progress

[KateSpade83]

When I was 18, I borrowed the car and bought a wrong sized skirt. My mom found it and threw it away. Your son is lucky to have an accepting mom! But my mom accepts me now!

[Chiana]

Beth, I was a crossdresser at a very early age. I think my Mom knew but she was not accepting. More like sticking her head in the sand and hoping it would go away. My Dad was an alcoholic and could be pretty mean at times but I never got any impression that he suspected anything. Josh is very lucky to have such an understanding parent as you. And at this point he has at least some outlet. Good for you and God bless you.

[darla_g]

Beth,
thank you for sharing that story with us. I truly think you are an understanding mother and I am sure he truly appreciates that.

[justmetoo]

I agree with the other comments about how well you (and the rest of the family) seem to be handling this. The love and support will count for a lot! If only more people would be more like you and seek to understand and support their loved ones! :D

I was afraid and ashamed to let anyone know about my desires and needs in this area when I was that age, oh so many years ago (although my mom probably would've been very supportive).

Best wishes to all! :D

[uknowhoo]

Hiya Beth, and thanx for the update. :hugs:

I'm glad your family is coming to an accomodation which hopefully works for everyone. I wish you all continued success.

Bless you for your efforts in this regard. I promise you Josh does/will very much appreciate it.

xoxo

Tammi

[vivianann]

Good for you mom of cder, it is wonderful to see you being so supportive of your son, and making sure he is not teased. :) He will appreciate you for being loving and supportive of his desire to crossdress. You are an awesome mom to your son, cherish every minute with him, because he will be all grown up before you know it.

[deja true]

Hi Beth!

Don't know if it's been mentioned yet, but you might want to checkout PFLAG.org.

Parents, Friends and Families of Gay and Lesbians also has an interest in trans kids.

They have 500 chapters(!) in North America, so there must one near you.

Go to their website for info on their efforts with trans kids and chapter locations....

love,

deja

[Tomara]

Hi Beth , I have to agree with all of the others here on how great it must be for your son to have the support and understanding to you have given him . The only other thing I thought of while reading the replies is maybe a gender therapist could help him with his feelings about his dressing . With your help I`m sure that you could find one to help him and not try to cure him . The reason I mention this is that there is no age limit with therapist`s and I can personally say that mine has helped me to better understand myself and my feelings . Good luck to you , your son and your family ! :hugs: Tomara

[WildLotus29]

It's good to hear that you're supporting him. I'm sure it's helping him a great deal.

[tamarav]

I would think it odd if a parent didn't stick by their child even when they do not agree with their decisions. You are truly a wonderful supportive person as well as a Mom to your child.

Children come in all flavors and we as parents have to realize that they are merely young reflections of society and will encompass every behavior.

I did not agree with my son when he decided to become a Marine, but I stand totally with him. Damn kids... no wonder I don't have any real hair..

Your sis,

Tami

[valenstein]

Beth,

I wish I had been able to tell my parents at that age (still haven't). You really touched my heart with your story. I'm another face in the crowd that will help however I can.

[AmandaIL]

I think that a lot of us wish we had parents like you at that age amidst our own confusion or trials as crossdressers. Just respecting where he is and giving him space is important. Dad, also, seems to be dealing with it in an honest and responsible manner. Trying to understand and support the person, even if one doesn't support the dressing, is crucial in helping your son to find himself and become a well rounded human being, rather than someone stuck in a closet of constant confusion and fear. If nothing else, dealing with it openly and honestly can't do anything but help. It really is kind of a shame that there doesn't appear to be anything to assist teens through the experience and their feelings attached at a time in life which is hard enough on its own, without the extra stresses of wanting to let the girl out in a non-accepting society. Though I suppose any sort of support group, too, would need to be done well and responsible lest more harm than good come out of it. A young person needs careful guidance. Perhaps parents like yourself who are able to have open conversations with a son actually is the best outlet for him at this point, in the end. Once he can see for himself where things stand in a couple of years, he'll have a greater opportunity to either explore or step back and, perhaps, even avoid some of the pitfalls of letting loose because he has someone trusted to talk with and been given the space and opportunity to deal with it in a safe and comfortable environment.

Here are hugs and best wishes for you, your spouse, and your son as you continue together on this journey.

[Carly D.]

You know I'm thinking about when I was that young and yes I cross dressed then, but more pantyhose and heels and every now and then a skirt or dress but... if I would have been "out" and admitted that I crossdress I think the way you are handling it is reasonable.. I think if he gets comfortable around his family that he might eventually be able to go out in the public places, and this might or might not be what you want but for him.. as for all cross dressers it is a form of expression.. the inner self.. please don't think of him as something is wrong, that "where did we go wrong as parents" saying.. you didn't do anything wrong, this is just how some guys are.. and there are more closeted cross dressers (I am one) than are out of the closet, and your son is out to you and family and might not be a bad thing.. it could be worse...

[Dana]

I don't often post here, although I do lurk a lot.

Your first and foremost consideration about your dear son should be about "guilt"

Guilt about not living up to your expectations of him as a male, boy, a man, your son. Those are some very heavy issues for both you, your DH, your family, his siblings, and of course himself.

There's greifing. Greifing for the son you thought you had, griefing for the family you wanted to have, griefing for the son you thought you had.

Reality? What a concept? The "difference" between the way it is? And the way it is.

Given a choice? I would not have chossen to be a cross dresser~transvestite.

But I am. I'm transgendered. I've been married, and lived with another GG for 6-1/2 years. I'm single now, but I know its only a matter of time before those "urges" to crossdress again arise.

Its not so much a sexual thing, as is to fulfill an emotional need. I want to, need to, crave to express femininity. I could give a flip about men, about sex, about having sex with men, (I don't even like men and don't see what GG see in men)

[Billie Renee]

Beth ,

My mom was supportive of me and I have been dressing since I was 5 and my mom would give me my older sisters hand me downs. When it came to my name my mom and I sat down and talked about what she would have named me if I had been born a girl and she told me my name would have been Renee and so that is what I went by growing up. So talk to him and let him be a daughter to you as well as a son and you will find that things get easier for both you and him .
good luck and keep us all informed of the progress you and your family have



Billie Renee

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

Hi Y'all,

Sorry I did not update the forum. I have been emailing a couple of y'all in private email but was told that others would like to hear how things are going. I am currently on a business trip with my husband in NH.

I am now in contact with an Atlanta group and plan to meet with one of the members next week when I get back home. My son is too young to officially belong to the group, but they accept family members willing to be supportive.

My husband has taken the stance that he will not punish or belittle my sons behavior, but he will not encourage it or support him either. He will simply tolerate it and let my son know that he does not approve of it. He compared the need to crossdress with our oldest sons need to be pierced and tatooed.

Because their are mixed feelings within the family concerning Josh's partial crossdressing we have had to set some boundaries. Anyone who is mean to him about it will be punished. Josh, who lives in a bedroom in the finished off basement by choice because it's cooler down there, is free to cross-dress there anytime he feels girly and anyone going downstairs must respect his freedom there. He is not to wear his bra stuffed or be crossdressed when he is upstairs if family is home. He can crossdress upstairs if we are out. I will give a ten minute warning call for him to change when we are nearly home. This compromise developed pretty much by accident one night when he did not want to go to the movies with us. He came to the stairwell door and simply said, "Mom, I don't want to go. I'm feeling, you know, kinda girly right now." I said ok and told him I would call him when we were almost home so he would have a few moments to change or go back to his safe zone. I missed him while we were at the movies, but he was happy when we got home and that made me happier. He got to dress up, played some video games upstairs while dressed girly, and actually did some cleaning upstairs for me while we were out. I know it's still pretty restrictive on him, but everyone in the family is at different acceptance levels. The key point is that we are talking about it and trying to work it out as a family.

Just like everyone likes to have friends who can relate to them, I wish we could find a group that accepts him. Even though he is only 16, he needs support too. We are taking it one day at a time though and he'll be 18 before we know. Makes me want to cry...

Thanks to everyone who wrote notes to me. Even though I did not respond to each one directly, I did read all the replies. They are helping me adjust and in a round-about way helping Josh (who has not told me a female name to use yet for his girly moments).

Beth,

I just sent you an email,subject "Supporting Your Son". I hope it will be of help you and your family.Take care

Felicity :)

[TxKimberly]

Beth,

I am just stunned reading your post. As a parent of two, I can imagine some of the ins and outs, and I think it is awesome that your family has reached a compromise that all can tolerate. Life is a series of compromises so I think this is perfectly acceptable.
I can tell you that based on my own fears when growing up, probably the most valuable gift you have given your child is knowing that you are there for him. I'd be willing to bet that there is nothing else in the world as important to him right now as knowing that.

[Angie G]

you are doing it the right way hun.16 is a hard time for kids and not making it harder for him is a good thing. And I think your a great mom. :hugs:
Angie

[Rachel Morley]

I don't think there's much more I can add as most of the girls have already said it, but I do want you to know that IMHO, what you are doing and the way you are doing is HUGE in your son's life. You are a great Mom, so wonderfully supportive, and I just wanted to tell you so. :hugs:

[Katheryn]

He compared the need to crossdress with our oldest sons need to be pierced and tatooed.


It doesn't matter why any of us do what we do, whether it's getting something pierced, inked or covering ourselves with what society deems is the clothing of the "wrong" gender. Figuring out why I like wearing girly clothing is pointless, IMHO, as it doesn't matter which came first, the chicken or the egg (the sort of discussion that goes on in your head when you try to figure out the why of something like this) all that matters is trying to keep in mind whether you're making an omelet or coq-au-vin.


You're a great Mom, thanks for being supportive. I was always too afraid to tell my family when I was his/her age.

K

[yvonne10]

i think your son is very lucky to have such a fantastic family around him i wish i had the guts to tell mine that i am a transvestite,i have 3 brothers and i know what they would say

[Sally24]

Thanks for sharing with all of us and God Bless You for being supportive of your son! If possible, I think it would be good if he could receive some counseling. Even if he doesn't turn out to be TS, it would help him deal with things. Most of us would be better off if we had learned to accept this part of ourselves earlier. I didn't embrace it until I was 50!