Just don't understand.....

[cdkelsi]

Myself that is. Yes I have this secret that I just feel totally great and everything when I do try to or get a chance to dress. I am finally again trying to dress again. After I went into my guilty phase again and I am starting all over again. I guess this is one reason it is so hard to make lasting friendships on here or anywhere. I am to inconsistent. But it is who I am. I just wish I was accepting of something that makes me feel great. I wish I was able to tell those that I love, but I never will. It will always be a secret to that side. I long to walk down a street still dressed. To be made up and go out. Closets can be fun,but only for a short time. Eventually you have to get out...right. Why is these feelings just so hard....why was this instilled in me...why??????????

[WildLotus29]

You won't feel guilty about being a CD once you accept that this is who you are always going to be. It becomes way more fun and exciting after you achieve this.

[Bonnie D]

You will probably never understand it but you will have to accept it. The sooner the better. Whether or not you come out of the closet is a different matter. That, you will have to decide on your own. I don't know what your circumstances are. Another piece of advice, DO NOT PERGE! If you feel the need to stop, then put whatever you have acquired to date away somewhere safe and then forget about it. You will need it again.

Bonnie

[Claire3]

we all have these feelings and doubts about who we are from time 2 time,mainly in the begining 4 me.Im ok now,sure you will be 2:love:

[Bev06 GG]

Well Kelsi,
What can I say, you are not on your own, there are lost of CDs who feel exactly the same and really struggle to accept who they are and what they like to do. One thing I can say though, you said because of your YO yo ing you find it difficult to settle down and make friends. Could I just say that the girls on here will be your friends whatever phase it is you find yourself going through.

Being a friend should be unconditional and doesn't just depend on whether or not you are wearing a dress so hang around. It sounds like you need some kind of stability and perhaps its this forum and the people on it that can provide that for you because they will accept you for who you are even if you have difficulty in doing so.
Take care my friend
Bev

[Karen_Ski]

Well Kelsi,
What can I say, you are not on your own, there are lost of CDs who feel exactly the same and really struggle to accept who they are and what they like to do. One thing I can say though, you said because of your YO yo ing you find it difficult to settle down and make friends. Could I just say that the girls on here will be your friends whatever phase it is you find yourself going through.

Being a friend should be unconditional and doesn't just depend on whether or not you are wearing a dress so hang around. It sounds like you need some kind of stability and perhaps its this forum and the people on it that can provide that for you because they will accept you for who you are even if you have difficulty in doing so.
Take care my friend
Bev

Thank you Bev, you put it all so eloquently. Kelsi, I doubt there is a single one of us who hasn't gone through the guilt trip or questioned "why me?" It took me years to accept me and even longer to take Karen from the closet to the real world. What I found when I finally made my way out of the dark is that this thing we call CD'ing is an important part of me. It is part of what makes me who I am. It allows me to see things from many sides, to feel empathy, to see beauty in a rose, to laugh at myself and curse myself when I run a pair of pantyhose.

Rather than question why embrace yourself and thank God for who and what you are and enjoy each day as though it was to be your last day on earth.

[Karren H]

Well don't even go down the "Why" path... You'll drive yourself crazy... And there is not easy fix for feeling guilty, just the self acceptance that you are who you are and you like what you like.. Once you accept that crossdressing become fun.. What it should be!!

[jennCD]

I've never felt any guilt or such about being who I am.... and I've never been out, so cannot say if I think I'll ever "have to" go out. Would be a nice consideration but it's not a need for me and in any case, I'm not in a good comfort zone to even consider it.

I think I'm in my un-jenn phase now and find I don't have the same level of comfort in expanding that part. It's been a few months now but at least I do still feel connected to you all and am frequenting the forum as much as I did in the past... just not actively working on any Jenn-time now.

:)
jenn

[cdkelsi]

Just wanted to say a public thanks to you all so far. I very much appreciate it. I hope to be able to become all of your friends and chat with, laugh with and just become close. All the best.

[WildLotus29]

I hope to be able to become all of your friends and chat with, laugh with and just become close. All the best.

That's what we're here for. It's difficult for many of us to find support from people we're close with. We have to stick together! :)

[Bev06 GG]

That's what we're here for. It's difficult for many of us to find support from people we're close with. We have to stick together! :)

We certainly do and I think this forum in particular shows compassion, understanding and support to people who are struggling with their identity.
Bev

[sweetceseal]

I agree with you Erica. It does become much more fun and exciting (while still, at times, a little nerve wracking), once you get over the guilt phase and come out of the closet and start admitting, at least to yourself, that you're more comfortable being a woman than being a man.

Have courage, it will all work out in the end.

[Wendy me]

lol i say this way to often it is what it is ...... hold on enjoy laugh and cry ..... there's not a lot you can do just be you................

[DonnaT]

Are you upset because you are trans, a CDer, or are you upset because you believe you have to keep it a secret and remain in the closet?

When I got tired of the closet, I just said to hell with it, and went out. Note that I've never been upset about being trans. Why get upset over something I had no control over?

I'd rather go thru life positively than negatively.

[RylieCD]

I still feel guilty but being open with my wife as well as finding out more about myself has helped

[StephanieH]

All of us wonder why we're wired up this way. I can't imagine any of us that haven't tried to analyze this every possible which way. I've never found anyone or any book that explains the "why" of it, but yet, here we are.

I've stopped trying to figure it out and just accepted that I am who I am. My wife's come to grips with it and is supportive, so that's helped a great deal. Other than this little diversion, I have a pretty normal and downright boring life, so all things considered, it ain't so bad. Nobody should make you feel guilty about doing what you feel compelled to do. Just go with it, lighten up, and stop trying to get all the answers - you'll likely just frustrate yourself even more.

Take care and God bless! :D

[Jonianne]

Hi Kelsi,

If I could find self acceptance, you can too!

When I learned that no one can make me feel bad about myself, only I can, then I had peace about it. However that took a long time for me.

My background is from some of the most fundamentalist and conservative Christian churches. The cognitive dissonance I had was mind blowing. But I made it through it, by God's grace! I discovered God's love and acceptance through the love and acceptance of others. That is, I believe, the most important aspect of this forum.

Hugs,

Joni

[charlie]

Hello Kelsi!
Where better to really be yourself and tell how you feel then this forum? Everyone here has gone through guilt, purging, happiness, bliss and amazement! We have all fallen short and
felt pain as well as happiness from CD. The nature of it for me is fun and scary all tied into one. Thankfully, when I get confused I can come here to my forum family and get a dose of reality and good advise. Stick around and keep in touch!

[Nicki B]

I guess this is one reason it is so hard to make lasting friendships on here or anywhere. I am to inconsistent.

I think maybe not only do you not understand, but actually you don't like who you are very much - and until you can accept yourself, that dislike may keep getting in the way of others liking you.

Give it time and you will be able to find self-acceptance? Then you'll find you actually don't need to understand the why, anymore than you understand why your eyes are the colour they are? :strugglin

[Angie G]

You are not like this by choice it is who you are it is a very important and personal part of you. It's not going away the sooner you make up your mind to this the happier you will be. It's not a bad thing. It makes you who you are a lovely and caring person. Be who you are. :hugs:
Angie

[jill s]

I know how you feel, I have just come off a huge "black cloud" period and today I just feel numb about the whole gender bending thing. I also know being told to accept it won't really make that happen. Lately I have been trying to drown the feelings in work but I'm not a natural workaholic so this can only last so long.

[gennee]

This is where it starts, Kelsi. Self denial is like being on a torture rack. The day I came out as a Cd was the day I was liberated and completed.

'Self Acceptance is the first step toward self discovery.'


Gennee

:)

[CD Susan]

Hi Kelsi, I understand exacly how you are feeling at this time. I have gone through the same thing that you are feeling. None of us will ever understand the why aspect of being a cd so there is no point in dwelling on this. To be comfortable about being who we are we have to accept ourselves first. We are not ever going to stop feeling the way we do so acceptance is the only way to cope with this. I have learned to accept it after many years of fighting this thing and trying to change myself from being this way. I learned that there is no way to change it so I embraced this part of me and am so very happy that I have. I pray that you too will reach this level of acceptance and enjoy being who you are. It is not such a bad thing as you might think it is. I consider it a blessing and am glad that I was born this way. I cannot even think of being any other way. It may seem difficult to you at this time to accept this part of you but when you do you will find happiness beyond description. I want you to find this happiness and wish you the best. You are a friend of all of us here and we want you to be a part of our family.

[FL_Nessa]

It is hard to understand why... most of us may never understand. The way I have looked at it is this. I have a Yin and Yang mindframe, as long as both sides of me have a chance to express themselves I am in balance, and extremely happy. When one side (always my female side) is under scrutiny, isn't understood or just doesn't have a chance to express herself, I get irritable but bite my toungue knowing eventually I will find another chance to let my other half out to play.

You shouldn't feel guilty, you should feel lucky. We have a chance of looking at life from both sides of the gender spectrum, where as many people don't.

[NatalieBliss]

I agree:

Forget the "why" it isn't important anyway.
Don't purge, it is only expensive.
Work on accepting the femme side of you.

Personally I went through a good four year stretch being depressed, lonely and thinking I would stay that way forever. Slowly it started to turn around. I also never thought I would tell anyone, but as I accepted myself I told my younger sister and a good friend. I guess this goes back to the best piece of advice, hang in there it gets better!

[Veronica 1]

I have to agree, do not worry about the why and how, just learn to accept yourself as you are now.I was totally shocked when I discovered this part of me but I soon learned to accept myself as I am and I have not looked back since.

[ReineD]

Males are socially conditioned to revolt against inner feelings and outer manifestations of femininity. It is how the male identity is formed as being distinct from females. It is no wonder that you feel torn inside. If you could just move beyond this and societal bias, and learn to embrace the beauty of your feminine characteristics, you will be able to grow wings and fly.
:hugs:

[AliciaWeb]

I haven't been here long but I have already found that this is the friendliest and most supportive forum around so stick around and make friends. The girls here seem to have been through any state you can imagine and will give good advice from their experiences. It is helping me through a rather black phase, not really related to CDing so stay on board, try to relax and you will find that the angst you are experiencing will be resolved with time and patience. The closet can be tight and sometimes frustrating but you have to enjoy what you can manage and look for the rare opportunity to go further.