Started seeing a gender therapist

[carolinoakland]

Just this week. And I'm absolutely thrilled. Pink fog banks every where. But I'm cautious by nature. It's funny how we all travel the same road, sometmes in each others footsteps, sometime alonside. I'm glad to be here with you. Some of you California girls I have met, and hope to see more of you. I hope I'm in the right forum for this. And I'm still learning the in's and out's, keep running into these " not allowed " message's and I made sure that I wasn't going into specific group things. Probaly haven't read that right beggining post. Back to the drawing board. Carol " My family told me they missed me;
I told them to buy more bullets " Quin.

[Amanda Shaft]

okay you got my interest, so what did the therapist say?
Amanda

[renee k]

Hi Carol,

You've piqued my interest too. What did your therapist have to say. And by the way welcome to the forum!

Huggs, Renee

[carolinoakland]

showing up as Carol. Made a statement with that I'm sure. We talked mostly history and foundation stuff. She did give me some questions to ask myself and have a discussion at the next session. The thing is, I'm happy with the feeling of " Finally, I'm doing something about answering these questions" And when It was over I was sitting in the sun in my favorite brown dress with pink polka dots, and realized that all the answers I seek will ultimately be found with in me. It's getting me to be honest with myself that is hard. I have to work hard to do that, after all, I've had a whole lifetime to mislead myself about who I am. Did that answer what you wanted to know? I can be as clear as mud sometimes. Carol

[Jenna Lynne]

Just this week. And I'm absolutely thrilled. Pink fog banks every where. But I'm cautious by nature. It's funny how we all travel the same road, sometmes in each others footsteps, sometime alonside. I'm glad to be here with you. Some of you California girls I have met, and hope to see more of you.

Yayyy! Good for you, Carol. Having someone you can talk with honestly is sooooo important.

I'm in Northern Calif too. Hope you stick around this forum. Almost everyone here is super-supportive.

***Jenna Lynne***

[blogging at jennalynne.wordpress.com]

[carolinoakland]

Thanks, so much. I'll tell you the other issue I'm dealing with is the break up with my trans woman girlfriend. My first trans, and, coincidentally, since for the first time I had nothing to hide, my first time really falling in love. And it was doomed from the start, but the heart, well the heart want's what the heart want's. I never should have started a relationship with someone who just got divorced. Also, I never should have gotten together with someone going through transition, you need to be on your own. And, I was on my own journey, and hers took over. So, sigh, I know that for both of us it's the right thing to do, and when we're both the people we need to be we can find each other again. But it hurts so much, I've never cried until now, and I'm in physical pain. My friends and family know something is diferent with me, they all see it in my eye's. I know I should get out more, and I do, but sometimes I find myself in a crowded bar everybody having a great time, and I'm alone and no one will even say hi. Throw in the usual lack of money thing and here I am sitting at home on the verge of tears knowing I should go out and be with people , but that money thing. I just wish the hurt would go away. Now before you say it, no, I'm not about to go out and do something stupid. I realize that this hurt is equal to the joy I felt, joy I thought I'd never feel. It was the experience of loving whole hearted that is new, and I know that If let the hurt get to me I will cut off the part of my heart that also feels joy. Just like I know deep down, that I will not wait for her, but I know that to deny that I would ever fall in love with her again is to deny that part of my heart that does the loving. I know I'm rambleing, but sometimes putting it down in words keeps all the voices in my head quiet. <grin>

[Jenna Lynne]

I know I should get out more, and I do, but sometimes I find myself in a crowded bar everybody having a great time, and I'm alone and no one will even say hi. Throw in the usual lack of money thing and here I am sitting at home on the verge of tears knowing I should go out and be with people, but that money thing. I realize that this hurt is equal to the joy I felt, joy I thought I'd never feel. It was the experience of loving whole hearted that is new, and I know that If let the hurt get to me I will cut off the part of my heart that also feels joy. Just like I know deep down, that I will not wait for her, but I know that to deny that I would ever fall in love with her again is to deny that part of my heart that does the loving.

I'm sure you're right that if you allow yourself to feel joy, you also open the door to pain. Beyond that, I shouldn't comment. I gave up on close relationships several years ago. They just never worked for me. But my circumstances are sure to be different from yours, so don't despair!

***Jenna Lynne***

[carolinoakland]

Time heals all, no? Just a question or two Jenna. Have you gone out? Have you gone to DVG in Walnut Creek? Carol

[Jenna Lynne]

Time heals all, no? Just a question or two Jenna. Have you gone out? Have you gone to DVG in Walnut Creek?

You may see me there in a few months. When I was younger I went out a lot -- I used to know some people at RGA in San Jose -- but I have been totally inactive in CDing for the past 20 years.

Right now I'm trying to get my living situation together. I want to minimize the skulking around and hiding, but setting that up will take some effort.

Time heals all? I doubt it.

***Jenna Lynne***

[Niya W]

Waves to Carolin. Since we are talking about gender therapist here is one to share. That night you saw me I just left my therapist . That was the first time she has seen me as Niya.

I'll see you around :)

[carolinoakland]

The first time? Sheesh. I went to my first session as Carol. Didn't even bother me that I'm walking across the street from a place that I've worked ( I work special events and meetings ) at for the last ten years not even batting an eye that someone I know would see me. It's who I am when I'm dressed, I'm not just some male in a dress, I'm Carol.
But you did look good. I thought it funny; that when a person goes to therapy you go in and let out what you've hidden you're whole life, and suddenly you hear " Time's up " and you're out on the side walk with your head spinning. Or is it just me?

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Carol,
I hope you dont mind me asking you a personal question, and if you do just ignore this. But have you always felt this way or is it something you have realised in adult hood.
I have actually met children who have been very distressed because they feel trapped in the wrong body and have gone on to have surgery very successfully. However, the adults that I have met of which there are approximately a dozen now, I have only ever met two who have been happy and fulfilled after surgery.
Sorry to be so personal but it is a very interesting area of human psychi isn't it.
Take care
Bev

[Niya W]

The first time? Sheesh. I went to my first session as Carol.
I go right before work. I took the day off so I could go to group therapy and to TGSF dinner

I thought it funny; that when a person goes to therapy you go in and let out what you've hidden you're whole life, and suddenly you hear " Time's up " and you're out on the side walk with your head spinning. Or is it just me?
YEah kind of felt that way the first two session. 45 minutes fly by. By the time I got started , it's like times up see you next time

[carolinoakland]

No Bev, I don't mind the personal questions. Just the answer's. And that's the crux of my situation. Once I started to read the literature, most notibly Anne Vitale. And a lot of what I'd read I'd never heard before. And so much of it resonated with feelings, and behaviours that I'd had over the years I started to get scared, and happy. The scared part is that I didn't feel I had that absolute CERTANTY that I was a woman in man's body, and that I hated my male body. So I say's to myself, self;you have to find the answers inside you. So that's why the therapy, I might be on the road to eventual full time and surgery. Or I might not, I might just want to live as a woman. Or, a little of both. For now I try to concentrate on doing the things that someone who really is a transwoman does, live my life as I best I can. The extra component in my life is the emotional abused suffered as a child, it's caused me to blank a lot of things out. It's a little like opening Pandora's Box, But the biggest one is the fear. Fortunately, neither of my abuser's is still alive. But my fear of being who I really was enough to make me wear a gender that I never fit in with out of self preservation. So now I'm trying to overcome a life time of deluding myself, about my gender, and the one I have presented to the world. And not feeling regret about not transitioning when I was younger. Whew. Now what was the question?

[Empress Lainie]

I wish you the best in your journey Carolin. It took me 72 years to realize why I was different from other men. The day I did I started living my life as the person I really am and too bad for anyone who didn't like it. I only lost my ex, and that hurt a lot.

[carolinoakland]

The thing about finally opening one's heart is that everything comes out. what a rat's next I tellz ya. carol

[Bev06 GG]

thanks Caroline,
I am glad you are keeping an open mind, i think there is far more chance of you arriving at what is the right decision for you if you are going in with your eyes wide open with realistic expectations. I truly hope that you cope with the counselling OK. I know as a victim of an abusive childhood you can often open up old wounds when going over things in your past.
Good luck and please keep us posted on your progress. I know we cannot do anything other than listen and support you, but hey thats worth mega bucks isn't it.
God bless
Bev

[carolinoakland]

Well you know the biggest revelation I ever had as a dresser is that we suffer from the same media that the general public forms it's opinion of us. It wasn't until I got out and met others like me I found out that the majority of us aren't sex workers, or addicts, or severely unbalanced. Because that's what the media shows us, no wonder we hide. We think there's something wrong with how we fee. I know better now. I also think that I'm in denial about how bad the abuse was because there were no physical scars, and heck, I''ve heard of people who had it worse, but not by much. And I survived it didn't I? Maybe not as well as I thought, or I've just learned to accomodate my fears. Well, that's what the therapy is for, I'm also considering going to a hypno therapist to see if I DO have surpressed memories, but I'd rather check that idea out with my gender therapist first. Sigh, what a rat's nest. Carol