Permit me to ask you a question.

[Teranika]

I'm a single parent of a gorgeous little girl named Scarlett. My ex mandated that I not dress around baby fearing it would confuse or otherwise disrupt her life. So, would it be harmful to my child to see me behaving as a woman? And, would the answer be different if I had a boy?

(I think, that if i have to change diapers, cook, clean, bathe her, dress her, play with her, read to her, and raise her all by myself then dammit I should have the right to do it in a dress. I just......fear for her in a way only a parent would understand)

[AmandaM]

If you're raising her by yourself, you can take her opinion as opinion, but don't have to follw it. Personally, I don't dress in front of the kids, even when they were babies. I didn't want them to be confused on gender roles in the developmental stage.

[DonnaT]

So, would it be harmful to my child to see me behaving as a woman? And, would the answer be different if I had a boy?

It would probably not be harmful, and no, the answer would be the same if you had a boy.

But not all children are the same, and it could be quite confusing.

I think wearing a skirt and other fem items, but not the wig or makeup, is the best way to go. It normalizes the idea that men can and do wear skirts, so it doesn't become, usually, an issue.

[Bonnie D]

My opinion is that your ex is trying to instill the same fears that she and society have about crossdressing. She also fears for your daughter regarding problems that will arise as she is growing up on how she will explain her father's desire to wear women's clothes to her friends if need be. This could make life difficult for her as far as your ex is concerned. I think that your dressing is perfectly ok and that it can easily be explained to her as she is growing up so that she can deal with it without any shame. There will be problems of course but love will conquer all. What do kids who have same sex parents do?

Bonnie

[carolinoakland]

I raised my daughter by myself from the time she was eight. And I made the choice to put my crossdressing into the background. I didn't want to burden her with trying to stand up to the cruelties of the other children. And by the background, I mean I would still dress, but only if there was no risk of my daughter seeing me. I should mention that her mother in an effort to tear me down in my daughters eye's had told her about my dressing when she was eight. She actually outed me once when she was about nine. I was with my best friend and his son, I went into the store to get something and when I got back in the car my friend turns to me and tells me that my daughter told them that her mother told her that her daddy liked to wear pantyhose and dress up like a woman. Now my friend had just naturally assumed that it was just the kind of crap an ex would say to hurt me, to say nothing of what I thought about a parent who would use their child like that to hurt the other parent. So, I was in a place where I wasn't out, but I wasn't going to hide who I was either. I told them that yes, yes I do dress up like a girl. But then when she asked why, I asked her if she liked to play dress up and pretend? She said she did, and that seemed to satisfy her. Years later though when she was 17 or so she was very angry with me and outed me to her friends. How I found that out was when one of her gay male friends called me up and told me that she had told him about my dressing and he was really into people like that and would I like to meet him at a sex club that weekend. I was terrible hurt by that, and it took the two of us a long time to get past it. We have become much better to each other since she turned 18 and moved out of the house. I recently told her about mysefl, and she told me what's the big deal? I've always known, and I said yes, you have. But you've never heard it from me, and not from a place of trying to hurt. I think that I had made a mistake in not being myself with my daughter sooner. I think a lot of her anger at me was because she knew I wasn't being true to myself, and now that I am, she tells me that she is so happy to see me being happy with myself for once. So, I think that you should always be true to who you are when ever you are with you're daughter. She will love you no matter what, that's the thing I learned being a parent, what unconditional really means. Hope that helps, or at least get's people thinking. Carol.

[sissystephanie]

If you're raising her by yourself, you can take her opinion as opinion, but don't have to follw it. Personally, I don't dress in front of the kids, even when they were babies. I didn't want them to be confused on gender roles in the developmental stage.

I never dressed around my children when they were young, for the same reason as Amandachick. In fact, only this year did I tell my grown up daughter.

But I also think that DonnaT has a good point, about wearing a skirt. The only problem that could possible arise is if your ex files a custody suit. Being a CD could go against you!

Sissy/Stephanie

Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

[Dusk]

As a parent of 3 (girls aged 9.5 months, 4 years and 7 years) i'll happily give my opinion. I have crossdressed in front of all three and there is no problem here. The eldest two thought it was funny for a while (and to soem extent still think of it as fun) but are now thoroughly accepting that people crossdress. The youngest of course I couldn't tell you. She doesn't seem to behave any differently around me dressed as not so IMO it's not an issue. I wouldn't subject them to me picking them up from school while dressed (unless it was halloween or a costume party or something o nthe day) as I wouldn't want them to be bullied. At home thought I see no issue myself. As long as you eplain to the child when htey are old enough to understand of course.

[tricia_uktv]

Were all different, we are what we are, whats to confuse? Surely we want people to be aware that gender stereotyping is wrong, not play up to it? Careful though hon

[trannie T]

I have never heard of a child growing up with any kind of problem because their parent was a crossdresser.

[Karren H]

Parrenthood is a joint venture and both should agree fully on the terms and conditions, IMHO....

[Carroll]

I have been out to my two kids for the past three years. They are now 6, the girl and 9, my boy. They view it as normal. My wife and myself believe to raise our children to be open minded and to accept people for who they are, not what they or who they date.

[Emily Anderson]

It's a very delicate question, because it depends on many factors.

As such, there is no harm crossdressing around very young children, because they don't have any notion of social construct. However, when they get older, and start to understand the differences between males and females, it becomes more a question of how you handle the situation, how you edcuate your child, and how you will respond to people that ask you questions based on your daughters conversations with others.

I would suggest that unless you are an extremely well -balanced individual, and have absolutely zero hangups about your lifestyle and sexuality, that you avoid bringing your daughter into the equation.

[Melinda G]

Just be "Dad" to your kids, and keep the crossdressing private!

[Fab Karen]

This is a variation on the same question about gay parents - will it influence the child? no.
You should ask a verified psychologist about it, they can ease your fears about raising your child.

[Jennifer in CO]

2 cents here...

I was living as a woman till my daughter was almost 3 and she never knew I was "different" from her mother...she had 2 "mommies" as far as she was concerned. When I switched back to male I don't really know ...all she said was "oookay"...and nothing else ever came of it.

Jenn

[Carroll]

Though I have commented once in this thread, I feel a need to add. My daughter goes to a counselor due to being autistic (PDD-NOS, borderline Asbergers). We have discussed this issue with her, and how we are handling it. She was very surprised and pleased with how he are raising our kids. This subject was also brought up with Child protective services. (we were turned in because my son decided to scrub his face to remove something and it caused nasty scrub marks). We told them the same thing we told the counselor and the lady said that that is NOT a hotline call and would be ignored. They are concerned with the safety and health of the child, not how we dress.

[Maria2222]

Frankly, I'd be concerned about confusing your child about gender issues.
Also, there will probably be trouble when she's in school. If you're not out, you soon will be. Also, the other children could be very cruel to her, as children unfortunately can be.
I'd say, just be a Dad. Tell her when she's grown.
:2c:

[victoriamwilliams1]

I made the mistake of think that a younger age they will forget you when you dress, I was wrong I daughter to this date remembers Victoria though she does not know it was dear old pops! I hear it when she sees photos.

[Jilmac]

I don't know what you mean by mandated. Did she stipulate in court that she didn't want you to dress in front of your child? If you are under a court order then you will have to abide by it until which time you can get it changed. If there is no court order and no legal trems or documents in writing, then I see no reason why you can't wear whatever clothes you want, as long as you have full custody.

As far as your dressing harming your daughter, I don't know if it would have an emotional effect on her. I suppose if she sees you in dresses all the time she will become used to it and it will be commonplace. However if she sees that you are the only dad wearing dresses while all the other dads don't, she may start asking questions which you will have to answer truthfully. you might be pleasantly surprized how open minded she can become with your home situation.

[Cai]

Frankly, I'd be concerned about
confusing your child about gender issues.

So what? Societal gender roles of "men have to be masculine and women have to be feminine" in my mind are absolute crap! So what if your kid has a slightly broader view of what gender means - it's not going to hurt them. In fact, it might mean your kid grows up to be someone who is more accepting of everyone else.

I'd say that if you choose to crossdress in front of your children, it should be a personal decision. For example, I'm planning to adopt. I probably won't tell the kids I might raise I'm transsexual until they're old enough to understand what that means (7-8 years old, in my opinion) but I have no plans to hide it from them.
Anything you tell kids will become public knowledge pretty fast, so yes, you do have to be ready for that backlash. But personally, the only harm that I can see coming from "confusing" the child will be from other parents, and what business is it of theirs how you choose to raise your kid?

[VtVicky]

First: You have the "Right" to smoke in your own home. Do you blow smoke in her face? You have the right to. Most caring parents shield their kids from potentially harmful stuff. But, there are some who loudly proclaim they have the right to raise their kids any way they want; with, or without smoke.

If there is even a question of exposing her to your CDing causing damage, why on Earth would you take the chance? (As a parent and a psychotherapist, I will tell you that there is definately a chance for problems.)

But, there is even more of a chance in your case because of something you said. You wrote: "(I think, that if i have to change diapers, cook, clean, bathe her, dress her, play with her, read to her, and raise her all by myself then dammit I should have the right to do it in a dress. I just......fear for her in a way only a parent would understand)

Good news/bad news. The good news is that you fear for her. Bad news is that you are very angry, and you have mixed CDing and your daughter into your rage. In that atmosphere, you most definately should not expose her to it. Do you have the "right"? Sure. But, you also have the responsibility. In your case, I would argue that your daughter's right to a stable, safe and caring home life trumps your right to explore your gender issues in front of her. She is already dealing with a broken home. Isn't that enough?

On this forum we tend to focus on our rights to be who we really are; to think, feel, and act in a manner that is, at best confusing, and at worst repulsive, to the rest of our community. If we choose to stir up our social pot, then we are adults and we will deal with the consequences. But, as parents we must always be cognizant that we may be inflicting problems on our families that are not of their choosing, and for which they may not be prepared to handle.

Let the poor kid grow up first before you involve her in your personal issues.

Good luck

[Jonianne]

Very well said Vicky!

Respecting the boundries of those we are in relationship with, is a vital part in helping those relationships remain healthy.

[jamie55]

Hi Teranika: All the advice you've received so far is good, but I think I have a point that so far hasn't been brought up. All of us in this and other groups want the freedom to dress as we see fit. The problem is society in general thinks it is wrong for males to dress as females and vice-versa to a degree. How are we to gain this freedom if we hide from our own families. If we don't acknowlede our differentness to our own, we are effectively saying that it is wrong. No wonder generation after generation is intolerant to those who are different. In my situation all my children know, my grandchildren know, and my mother and some of my brothers know. When they see a ts/tv on the street maybe just before they want to be rude or intolerant they think geez that could be Jamie, my dad, grandpa, son, brother and slowly one person at a time we gain acceptance. She will survive all the remarks and ribbing at school and in return she may even educate some of those who don't understand. What if she is different in some way. You could make her battle a little easier in the long run. A very difficult dilemma for sure, search your heart and you will surely make the right decision for you and your loved ones.

[TxKimberly]

This is a tough question that all of us parents here have probably had to consider. My 19 year old son discovered it about a year ago and couldn't care less. My (almost) five year old daughter does not know and I don't want her to. Growing up can be hard enough with out the head trips that might bring. Also, a young child does not understand the consequences of sharing that secret with others. While you might not be ashamed to be a cross dresser (I'm not) and would be willing to live with the consequences of others knowing (I am), are you willing to let your little one suffer the teasing and torment she will probably get at school if the other kids know what Daddy likes to wear? I am NOT willing to risk my little one suffering because of who and what I am.

[Angie G]

I wouldn't think it would harm her as long as she was informed of whet was going on when she could understand it. :hugs:
Angie

[Joy Carter]

I'd not do it for the fact, what if they spilled the beans innocently to their friends, then the friends turned on them because of it. You have to be careful because now you have affected their life.

[ReineD]

I think a lot of her anger at me was because she knew I wasn't being true to myself, and now that I am, she tells me that she is so happy to see me being happy with myself for once. So, I think that you should always be true to who you are when ever you are with you're daughter. She will love you no matter what, that's the thing I learned being a parent, what unconditional really means. Hope that helps, or at least get's people thinking. Carol.

Thanks for sharing this, Carol. What you say is true with any aspect of our lives that we might be reluctant to divulge to our children. In my case it is a different issue regarding my relationship with my bf, after recently having been in a long-term marriage. I told one of my sons about our relationship, and asked him if he wanted to meet my bf. I gave my son the choice. He is still dealing with the pain of the divorce. He said he was not ready to meet him right now, but he knows he will be in the future.

With the Cding, I think it is a good idea to be honest and talk about it when the child is old enough to comprehend, with an explanation that most people do not understand the concept, and ask if she would like to see daddy wearing a dress. Then respect the child enough to let her decide.

Although we are powerful influences in our children's lives, we must keep in mind that the society they need to learn to live in comfortably also has an impact, and each child has his own capacity to accept what is considered to be outside the norm.
:hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

Dressing was never that important to me when it came to my children. I never dressed around them. They needed their Dad. Later on, when they were grown, I told them about it when they could understand what was going on.

[Carroll]

Just out of curiosity, is there any documented facts that shows cross-dressing causing damage to any child? Not theory's, assumptions, psycho babble BS or "The Data supports this" crap. Just straight, actual, hard copy, documented facts or incidents.

[Merinda]

I wouldn't think it would harm her as long as she was informed of whet was going on when she could understand it. :hugs:
Angie
When I first dressed in front of my family I just told my kids that I'm going to play dressups , just a fun game , a few giggles at first then settled.

[AngharadD]

Quickie anecdote time -

My father was a crossdresser, I'm a pansexual trans woman with slight interest in kinging, but otherwise more of a tomboy femme, and rather attracted to gender variants (zomg, confewjun! amirite? ;) )

What that line of description doesn't say though, is that he had tremendous amounts of self-loathing over it, is very macho in his daily life, often crossing the line into misogynyst territory, and he purged A LOT. He never dressed in front of his three kids, and only disclosed to me when I turned 18 because I had come out to mom a few months earlier and it somehow reached his ears (my parents had been divorced for 9-10 years then and he lived 4 hours away up north). In fact, as a teen, I was more exposed to homophobia and transphobia from him than I was to "gender confusion".

His father is a raging homophobe, a complete misogynyst, with deep set machismo, he slept around despite being a jealous man, and he beat up my father as a youth, he threatened to have him committed a few times for cding.

Despite this backstory, my father disclosed to me as part of his "man the kids up" strategy after my coming out as trans reached his ears. When he figured out it didn't work out, about two months after I began hrt, he just told his 22yo daughter "You're making a mistake, you'll be a freak, have full confidence in me or I don't consider myself your father* anymore."

Confusion?
I don't know - but I doubt it couldn't help potentially gender variant kids to not be forced in the hetero/cis-normative binary growing up (no, seriously parents, I mean it, this is a plan for anxiety crises galore) - and if they're not, well, bigotry is not innate ;)

*not that he didn't do a piss poor job at being one

[Genifer Teal]

I have no kids so I'm guessing here. I think that at such a young age kids will accept anything you tell them. The difficulty comes later on when you have to explain to them why society doesn't accept a man dressing as a woman. Add to that explaining why they shouldn't mention it to their friends because their friends will make fun of them for something their father does. How do you explain something that makes no sense? Kids will make fun of each other just because thier name is different.

Gen

[CD Susan]

When my son was a baby I would dress in his presence but when he was around the age of two I stopped doing it. Somehow I felt it was wrong to do this and did not want to confuse him. When he was nine my ex outed me to him during the divorce. He handled it well and when he turned 16 we disscussed it and he told me knew this for years and accepted it. I never did dress in front of him or his friends but he knew that I did it. He had the level of maturity to handle this at an early age and I respect him for that. He is 25 now and has a son of his own. I am very proud of him.

[VtVicky]

AngharadD wrote: "...I'm a pansexual trans woman with slight interest in kinging, but otherwise more of a tomboy femme, and rather attracted to gender variants (zomg, confewjun! amirite?"

Could someone please translate this?

Thanks

[AngharadD]

AngharadD wrote: "...I'm a pansexual trans woman with slight interest in kinging, but otherwise more of a tomboy femme, and rather attracted to gender variants (zomg, confewjun! amirite?"

Could someone please translate this?

Thanks

I'm a transsexual woman (i.e. when the doctor saw me at birth he rudely said "it's a boy" instead of "it might be a boy" ;) ), who sometimes does drag king stuff for fun, who is attracted to people of any gender and sex configuration, and generally identifies as a tomboy but not as butch, and for some reason, I have a special attraction to people who are gender variant (but not only).

[Sally2005]

My daughter is almost 5. She thinks she understands everything, but she doesn't. How can you explain CDing to someone that age? You can't. Unless you are out to the world, then keep it from them, they will tell all of their friends. I suspect the problem will not be the kids, but maybe the parents and how they may limit their kids time with yours. I doubt the kids will care, considering what they are exposed to on TV these days. Your ex might be a problem unless she is okay with it.