Where do you draw the line in determining an affair

[Misty_cder]

My wife and I were talking about the numerous threads on this site that ask about how do we CDer's see ourselve when it comes to sexual preferance and desires while dressed. This evolved into many other questions about our own relationship, and what others find acceptable when they dress. For us, we have a look, but no touch rule. But we began to talk about what would that rule be if I were passable. We both agreed that the look but no touch rule applied if I were out without her, but if she were to join me, then lite touching and kissing maybe acceptable if she appoved of the guy. I should mention I'm bisexual.

So my question to you ladies is this: Where would you, or your SO, draw that line while your dressed?

[gagirl1]

anything that would constitute unfaithful behavior sounds like an affair to me. be true to your wife. i know you are confused, but you made a promise to her, and her to you. don't let her down.

[tanya3]

We have had the same conversation before too . there is a big differance between having an affair and having a sex buddy . having an affair is out of the question we both agree on that but a sex buddy is not . i am bi and she knows thwt too . i hope that answers you question .

[Karen_Ski]

Although at the moment I am free and single I have been in LTR's before. Granted they are not a marriage but I have always been a bit conservative in this aspect. I am a one man gurl, totally monogamous and expect the same. Years ago it may have been different but the health issues running around there today make it an issue but more importantly to me relationships are built on trust. I feel that if a relationship is to work it must be built on that trust, an affair destroys it! Nuff said?

[Sally24]

My agreement with my wife is that dancing, flirting, and casual touching are ok. Kissing is a big no no (just like in the film "Pretty Woman"). And of course any other intimate touching is not allowed. It works for us and gives me some freedom. I am mostly hetero but when dressed feel very much the woman.

[kaitlin]

Hey Girls, My wife and I have had this talk too, and agreed we can't bring another person male or female into our bed. the reason...they wouldn't be able to survive it! (haha) But, we have talked about me in full fem with another guy for her viewing pleasure, I want to experence it and she wants to watch but we dont know anyone around here that we would trust. I guess it's a good thing in a lot of ways that we don't, there is no harm done by dreams! Kaitlin

[TGMarla]

I just don't cheat on my wife. Period. End of discussion.

[Carol A]

Been married 45 years, came close a couple of times but never did. :love:

[Sara Jessica]

I just don't cheat on my wife. Period. End of discussion.

Ditto times a million.

[Brooke Smith]

That's an easy one. My wife has drawn the line for me. No fooling around with anyone. We came to that agreement over 20 years ago when we met. you see in another life I was something of a bad actor and that was the major cause of the failure of my first marriage. I may be a slow learner but apparently I'm trainable.

The only downside is she's not very keen on letting Brooke out of the house. My wife is pretty perceptive and being the wild child Brooke is,she could easily be led into temptation.

[Bev06 GG]

Yes Im the old fashioned type too. Im afraid I wouldn't like anything not even casual flirting. The mind is a pretty powerful thing and what starts off as pretty harmless fun can escalate into something you didn't plan because being human we are never satisfied and always want to go that bit further.

I also struggle with CDs chasing my SO on line making suggestions for meets who are married and know that he is as good as. When I confront them their answer is that dressed they are a completely different person so theyre not actually being unfaithful. DUUHHH well I guess some CDs still have their brains stuffed in their underpants.

Bev

[Jenny Beth]

We've been together close to 28 years because we both have what we want in life....there's no room for an extra marital affair. :straightface:

[tamarav]

I think the "I am a different person when dressed" argument is just a cover for the lack of control they have in any guise. Becoming a completely different person while dressed seems to be an excuse for whatever the "other person" may think up.

Give us a break, if you are married, stay faithful. Your SO is supportive at this point, why drive a wedge into it?

My wife knows that when I am out, I am still the same faithful person she has been married to for 24 years, whether she is with me or not. What is wrong with the male psyche?

Tami

[Sara Jessica]

I also struggle with CDs chasing my SO on line making suggestions for meets who are married and know that he is as good as. When I confront them their answer is that dressed they are a completely different person so theyre not actually being unfaithful. DUUHHH well I guess some CDs still have their brains stuffed in their underpants.

Bev

So true, Bev. Such behavior amounts to nothing more than an excuse, justification in their own minds that somehow being with someone else while they are presenting in girl mode is not cheating. These people couldn't be any more mistaken.

[Sandra]

I think the "I am a different person when dressed" argument is just a cover for the lack of control they have in any guise. Becoming a completely different person while dressed seems to be an excuse for whatever the "other person" may think up.



I have thought this for a long while, it is just an excuse.


What people do if all parties are in agreement is their business, but when one goes off on their own it's wrong and it's cheating whether your dressed fem or not.

Some people just seem to want their cake and eat it.

[abundantly_me]

anything that would constitute unfaithful behavior sounds like an affair to me. be true to your wife. i know you are confused, but you made a promise to her, and her to you. don't let her down.

my sentiments are exactly the same!

[KandisTX]

My wife and I have a unique situation. When we are at Faire, I am a lech and she is a flirt. We both know this and we accept this for one reason; WE BOTH KNOW WHERE THE LINE TO NEVER BE CROSSED IS. As long as we maintain control of the situation and that line is never crossed then all is good.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[MsJanessa]

My wife and I were talking about the numerous threads on this site that ask about how do we CDer's see ourselve when it comes to sexual preferance and desires while dressed. This evolved into many other questions about our own relationship, and what others find acceptable when they dress. For us, we have a look, but no touch rule. But we began to talk about what would that rule be if I were passable. We both agreed that the look but no touch rule applied if I were out without her, but if she were to join me, then lite touching and kissing maybe acceptable if she appoved of the guy. I should mention I'm bisexual.

So my question to you ladies is this: Where would you, or your SO, draw that line while your dressed?

well obviously it would be whatever the two of you agree on

[Samantha43]

I just don't cheat on my wife. Period. End of discussion.

I agree.

[Sarah...]

I am faithful to my wife. That's the agreement we made long before our wedding day.

A re-evaluation of me as a person of intermediate gender does not in any way re-define the love and commitment I have always felt, and still do, to my SO.

So, I'm the same person whether dressed or in drab. Which all means neither of us is fair game. Oh happy day!!!! That's easy!

Sarah...

[AmandaM]

If you're going to do it, why be married?

[DonnaT]

A big NO to cheating/affair.

[Misty_cder]

After reading some of the replies, I realized I should have stated the question differently. I am in no way suggesting that I am looking for acceptance to cheat on my wife. She is very supportive of my dressing and we have a wonderful marriage. I would never do anything to screw it up. What I should have asked is what is the line that you and your SO have established. As I wrote above, we have the look but no touch rule. If we were to expand our sex lives, then it will be together with both of us agreeing to what we're doing.

[osteph]

I just don't cheat on my wife. Period. End of discussion.

Have to agree.
Why cheat and stay?
Why not be honest and go?
Or just don't cheat in the first place.

[DawnRodgers]

Well, I guess there always has to be somebody from the other side. What's the big deal. I'm not looking for a new, permanent relationship. Not even sure I could live full time with a guy. I consider sex to be enjoyable and fun. My wife doesn't agree but I wouldn't hold her back either. After all it is only sex. Love os something else. As long as safe sex is practiced and you don't bring back any communicable disease, I say give it a whirl. We are all influenced by society and its hang ups.
Dawn

[DemonicDaughter]

If you have to lie about it, its cheating.

If you are scared to share it, its cheating.

If you feel guilty about it, its cheating.

If you know its wrong, its cheating.

You know what line is cheating or not and no matter how anybody attempts to "justify" it, the fact that they feel they need to justify it at all speaks volumes.

If you wouldn't do it while your SO is present then you shouldn't be doing it at all.

[Holly]

...If you wouldn't do it while your SO is present then you shouldn't be doing it at all.:clap: :clap: :clap: Well said, DD.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

I have a strong belief in being true to your spouse. I married my ex, she was the only women I ever was intimate with and never had an affair with anyone else. Since my separation and divorce from her 10 yrs ago, I still have not had any intimate relationships with anyone. I am not bi and wouldn't want a relationship with a guy and never had one. I was always faithful to the one I was married too. :battingeyelashes: Kim

[MsJanessa]

Have to agree.
Why cheat and stay?
Why not be honest and go?
Or just don't cheat in the first place.

Some couples like variety and if both spouses agree on it, and both participate in it, why not?

[abundantly_me]

After reading some of the replies, I realized I should have stated the question differently. I am in no way suggesting that I am looking for acceptance to cheat on my wife. She is very supportive of my dressing and we have a wonderful marriage. I would never do anything to screw it up. What I should have asked is what is the line that you and your SO have established. As I wrote above, we have the look but no touch rule. If we were to expand our sex lives, then it will be together with both of us agreeing to what we're doing.


Since you have redefined your question here is my latest answer

My SO wants a monogamous relationship him-me no one else

I personally have a lot of hurt feelings from a marriage and a relationshp that lasted over 25 years, I was the faithful one in that relationship - he was not.

Because of that I'm not letting my heart get too involved to fast, I'm still in that dating phase with my SO. I have not asked him to be monogamous, I would like him to be, but that is something he has to decide within his own heart.

A lot of us females see sex and love as pretty much entertwined. If we become further involved and become life partners/ whether married or not, for me the relationship would need to be monogomous, I just get jealous way to easily. And I also think if I can't forefil his needs then perhaps he shouldn't be with me.

[Tommie Rae]

After a lot of talk and counseling and talk and more talk, we both agreed that as long as we each know what is going on then anything is on the table. This is not for everyone, and it took both of us a long time to get here. We each want different things from different people, but we get our love and support and 99.9% of our sex from each other. I'm only an occasional CDer, and never around my wife, but we have both seen each other in sexual situations with other people. For us it is an occasional thing we do for fun. Just so you know, we have been married 39 years. Again this is absolutely not for everyone.

[Angie G]

My wife is the only one I've ever been with and I'm good with that.:hugs:
Angie

[Amy Hepker]

Look but do not touch is the only way to go in my relationship. Remember it can work both ways.

[Genifer Teal]

I think the answer to this lies in your own head. It is possible for a kiss to have no meaning. Likewise, an innocent foot rub or back massage can be as erotic as sex. Use your better judgement. If you are interacting with someone and starting to feel aroused, you've probably crossed the line.

Gen

[Stephanie Scott]

Well, my view is that marriage is between only the husband and wife, and God reserves your sexuality solely for one another.

A lot of Christians struggle with the issue of CDing, mainly because 1) it is often associated with homosexuality in the public's mind (which is a different topic) and 2) the Old Testament contains a passage prohibiting it.

I have been able to reconcile my CDing (which is secondary to my faith) with my faith because I believe the ceremonial and liturgical statutes intended to apply to Israel of the OT do not apply to Christians today, because of the freedom we have received from Christ. However, that doesn't mean that OT Scripture is irrelevant, and the separation of the sexes is still important in certain circumstances or contexts.

One of the greatest temptations one can face as a CDer can be a sexual one -- he can "pretend" to be something he is not and gain access to "opportunities" he would ordinarily not be interested in -- this often means opportunities to stray from sexual monogamy in marriage which one can attempt to justify or rationalize by "separating" one's girl side from their guy side. Arbitrary lines like "flirting," "touching," etc are like playing w/fire -- regardless if it is with a man, woman, or CD who is not one's spouse.

Just my 2 cents...

[Glenda]

Well Misty, your decision is a personal one. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks other than your SO. You two will have to draw that line when either one of you feels that "the line" is being crossed. Sharing (in my view) is not cheating. Hiding what you do from your SO is cheating. If one is comfortable with the situation and the other is not then it shouldn't be done. And I don't think that you can always define where that line is going to be in advance. Sometimes what seems like a good idea is not. Sometimes the things we are initially afraid of are things that we really enjoy.

Our society is based upon christian values. Most of those values are valid while some are not. There is a lot of hypocrisy in our world. Many in our society think being a CD is a sin. I don't. I do agree that being in a monogamous relationship is the preferred way for the vast majority of people but it is not for everyone. I was faithful throughout a 27 year relationship and 23 year marriage. My spouse wasn't.

The danger in allowing others into your relationship is that it will make it possible that one or the other may develop unexpected feelings for someone else. Just when you think life couldn't be much better, you find that the other has decided that they like the new more than you. Having been single for the last 16 years, I have been in a lot of relationships. Most of those have been with women. A few have been with couples. None have been with men. I haven't said yes to every opportunity. You have to be as conscious of the other people as you are your spouse. Some opportunities are best left unanswered.

So I won't judge your morals, but I do caution that if either of you feels that a line is being crossed, don't cross it.

[Toni_Lynn]

Just the thought of acting flirtatiously with another person (of either gender) instead of my wife, or of her doing said same makes me feel ill. I could never be that cruel! The only woman that I want to flirt with is my wife, end of story!

Just thinking about it makes me feel dirty!

Marriage by definition is the giving of one's self exclusively to another. And therein is the line. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

I gotta go get some flowers for my wife just to get over the revulsion I feel I inside.

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[CD Susan]

I find this thread to be very interesting and that is why I am responding to it. I am single and do not have a SO. I live alone and prefer it that way. However, I have been searching for several months for a cd friend. I desire a friendship with another cd who also is single and unattached but am finding it difficult if not impossible to find someone like this that is close enough to meet with. The majority of the cd's that I have met online are married and want to have a friend who also is a cd but they must do this discreetly so thier wife will not find out. I immediatly tell these people that I will not be a part of this unless thier wife approves of the friendship. This has not happened yet. There are many married cd's that are willing to meet me but not one who is single has ever written to me. If I am going to maintain the singles only requirement then I will be waiting a long time for a friend to share the cd side of me with. This is unfortunate for me but I will not allow myself to be a part of someone being unfaithful to thier spouse.

[kimmy p]

Man, woman, child, mammal, I do not have affairs. It is the worst betrayal of trust you can do to your SO.

[Marla]

I totally agree with with Dawn!

[SusanMarie]

Monogamous here, and content.

but a thought.. when we are dressed are we in some way already out with the 'other women'?

PS This is not a serious relationship question, just one of those little passing thoughts that go through ones mind.

[DemonicDaughter]

After reading some of the replies, I realized I should have stated the question differently. I am in no way suggesting that I am looking for acceptance to cheat on my wife. She is very supportive of my dressing and we have a wonderful marriage. I would never do anything to screw it up. What I should have asked is what is the line that you and your SO have established. As I wrote above, we have the look but no touch rule. If we were to expand our sex lives, then it will be together with both of us agreeing to what we're doing.

Well technically, my original answer remains the same...

If I wouldn't do it in front of Kayla, I don't do it when she's not around. So our lines are pretty plain to us but I'm sure many others get confused. I'm very flirty, very outgoing and have almost all male friends. She's got almost all female friends. We both greet other people with endearing terms or even a hint of sexual attraction but our rule remains the same. As long as we would be just as comfortable with the other present, we see no need to stop being our natural selves.