Mainspring wound backwards?

[helenr]

I am 61, have been affected by transvestism, transgender thoughts and behavior for over 55 years. I sometimes think I would have 1/2 the facial wrinkles I have were it not for the continuous stress of concealment that many or nearly all of us can relate to.
I know many write that they no longer try to figure out the 'why' of their drive, just try to cope with it. Not easy to do. I have always wondered why I am wired the way that I am. I think I have read every theory that exists. I can see some applications--the busy, absent father, too close to Mom, no fellows for buddies, girls more accepting, the wish to be 'like them', the trying on of big sister's nylon briefs, the pleasant sensations, carrying this farther and farther, some 'friendship' visits with like minded 'sisters', the subsequent guilt of this, the compartmentalising we all need to do to carry on in a 'normal society', the stress,etc.
I have been greatly relieved of many of the fetish crossdressing components by Spirolactone, a relatively safe anti androgen. I think this reduction in the destructive mental effects of T (in my view) has helped me try to understand better who and what I am. I believe I am an 'intergendered' person. There are groups like Comfortably inbetween and similar. I don't like sites that seem to have sexual linkups as an objective. They are too negative and dangerous.
If I were to explain to a 'normal' person what it going on, I would wonder if indeed my 'mainspring is wound backwards' as this mental driven interest must somehow relate to brain electric wiring. What do others think? (sorry for the long essay). best, helen

[jill s]

Helen your right many of us can't just relax and carry on with being trans. I keep looking for answers/cures and it is making me kinda crazy. Even seeing you talk about anti androgen has my antenna up . May be it just is being too early to the party, in 100 years maybe gender will be all figured out, or maybe not.

[gennee]

I am 61, have been affected by transvestism, transgender thoughts and behavior for over 55 years. I sometimes think I would have 1/2 the facial wrinkles I have were it not for the continuous stress of concealment that many or nearly all of us can relate to.
I know many write that they no longer try to figure out the 'why' of their drive, just try to cope with it. Not easy to do. I have always wondered why I am wired the way that I am. I think I have read every theory that exists. I can see some applications--the busy, absent father, too close to Mom, no fellows for buddies, girls more accepting, the wish to be 'like them', the trying on of big sister's nylon briefs, the pleasant sensations, carrying this farther and farther, some 'friendship' visits with like minded 'sisters', the subsequent guilt of this, the compartmentalising we all need to do to carry on in a 'normal society', the stress,etc.
I have been greatly relieved of many of the fetish crossdressing components by Spirolactone, a relatively safe anti androgen. I think this reduction in the destructive mental effects of T (in my view) has helped me try to understand better who and what I am. I believe I am an 'intergendered' person. There are groups like Comfortably inbetween and similar. I don't like sites that seem to have sexual linkups as an objective. They are too negative and dangerous.
If I were to explain to a 'normal' person what it going on, I would wonder if indeed my 'mainspring is wound backwards' as this mental driven interest must somehow relate to brain electric wiring. What do others think? (sorry for the long essay). best, helen

Each person's experience is different. I had a normal childhood and family experience. I always felt that I was different but it was not until I reached my thirties that the feelings were strong. Three years ago at age 56 I came out as a crossdresser and transgender. I accepted this as part of me and now I am very happy :) and content.

Helen, I don't understand all the components but I love being the way I am now.

Gennee

:)

[Pamela Julie]

Your short dissertation sounds like it could be mine. I have learned to accept myself more and question the "why" less. I still feel the need to transition, and the feeling is growing, however, I am able to keep my sanity, though I am unable to transition at this time due to issues unrelated to gender or crossdressing. I feel for you and others like us.

Pamela:)

[Joanne f]

Not to sure what you have said there :doh: but then i am a bit dim :heehee:
I often wonder if we the older ones find it a bit harder to cope with as we went through the what i would call "the harder times" , no Internet and no one else to communicate with , the younger ones have had all this to start with so do not really know what it was like to cope on your own with the knowledge that you are different, so i wonder what they will be saying in 20yrs from now .

[Diane Elizabeth]

I agree with what Helen is saying whole-heartedly. I too keep asking why I am as I am and who am L. I can't say I have read a whole lot on the subject of TG/CD. But I have felt lost for decades. Now some things are slowly coming to light. I went through a denial stage for most of my life. Now I am waking up to the fact that I feel more of one that is androgenous rather than a man or woman.
Who knows where my journey is going to lead to. Fear has been the biggest control factor in my life. Always trying to fit in low key and not make waves. If I could ever relinquish the fear that holds me I would be able to enjoy myself on this journey. But, as Helen has said about the "mainspring is wound backwards" that seems to be me. Thank you Helen for the thought. Mine seems to be wound extra tight. On top of finding myself as a cd. I am married to a GG, and find myself as a G-L-B-T.
Maybe a bit of track. Sorry. dylen

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Helen

What good would it do if you did know the reasons why? Would it change anything or make any of it easier to deal with? You are who you are, and an answer sheet won't ever change that.

Karen Starlene :star:

[donnalee]

DeeDee, you write extremely well!
There is little good in trying to over analyze something that defies analysis. It is what it is and you are what you are. Embrace it, even flaunt it if you must; it is part of your being and neccesary for your life. Don't waste time overthinking it; DO IT!:cheers::cheer:

[helenr]

thanks for the comments-sensitive or frank. I would add that the remark about younger members and the internet--I remember clearly at age 11-12 looking up transvestite frequently in the dictionary--seemed the term 'morbid desire' to crossdress was used. sad. All I knew about was Christine Jorgensen and later an Ashley Taylor or some name like that--a pretty British girls in the tabloids who was reassigned in Morocco or some exotic place like that. Things sure have come a long way! I am glad there is this group to confer with--so much sleeze out there, gets boring and depressing.
I recognize that the most important person to accept how someone is, is that person--i.e. 'accept yourself'. That is fine. Unfortunately there is the big 'world' out there that isn't always so supportive and understanding.
Best of luck to all of you. helenr

[Joann0830]

Hi Helen

What good would it do if you did know the reasons why? Would it change anything or make any of it easier to deal with? You are who you are, and an answer sheet won't ever change that.

Karen Starlene :star:

I am soon to be 60 and feel the same way but I do realize that regardless of the reasons why, I Just love doing it and do so greatly agree with Gypsy Karen whole heartedly. Joann0830:battingeyelashes::heehee::love:

[Empress Lainie]

http://doctorbushong.com/

I think he has a lot of the answers. I felt he was writing about me when I first read his pages.

Check out his site. You will find it extremely informative.

:love: