View Full Version : Advice column

05-20-2005, 04:51 AM
Ask questions here! I'll answer them... others can, too. If you've got general questions or anything ask away! Doesn't have to be about CDing, it can be about anything. Since CDing is only one aspect of our lives and everything kind of ties into it, I figured you should have an open thread to ask anything you want. I'm sticking this so it'll stay up top.

Have fun, and don't be shy!

05-20-2005, 08:01 PM
if a monkey bites you how long will it hurt, and what kind of medicine will they give you ?

05-20-2005, 10:21 PM
Good for you on your moderator-dom. Don't know how long it's been but I check in on ya once in a while ;)

I have a need for advice - I'm a MtF though... does it matter?

I'm guessing the monkey thing ain't cuttin' it (kidding) so I'll break the ice.

I think I need to break up with someone. I love her. I care for her. I'm never going to be able to give her marriage, which she wants badly - that life commitment. I don't want it - I know I need to work on me for a while before I can do that (for the first time in my life I know that). And, I don't think she's the "one" anyway.

My problem is this...

Note that I really care about her - HER LIFE SUCKS. Every time I see her something else terrible is going on. People die. People get sick. Sisters turning on her. It goes on and on. Every time I see her there's something else tragic - It'd kill both of us for me to break up with her, it seems, at any given time.

To top it off - it turns out she's getting into my crossdressing... in an erotic way. I've always wanted that. Part of me thinks if I hang on and see how things go maybe the acceptance of my true self will blossom our relationship and I'll be ready to give her more. BUT that's unfair - to dangle her along because she accepts my CDing... if I'm pretty sure it ain't gonna work anyway.

I feel the right thing to do is to let her go - it's been a year and a half and I'm more withdrawn every day. But when she comes over (only once a week or so) her life is in shambles - mine is just as bad - and we vent about our crappy lives, get drunk, and do kinky things we both like.

Then, the next day I feel guilty. Like I violated her. Like I'm a bad person - at night, she likes that - but during the day, when she has a kid to look out for... she needs a "man" - not a guy who lets her come over because he gets to play.. even if he does care and love her.

Is her acceptance of my crossdressing enough to hang on to a dying relationship for in hopes that it will turn into more? The acceptance of the CDing has oddly coincided with the decline of things... I told her - moved away - and now she's into it... I'm afraid it's just to keep me because she can feel it's almost over - I don't want fake, codependant acceptance. Especially if it's about all there is.

Try that one on for size ;) By the way - love the avatar, you look good!

05-20-2005, 11:52 PM
I must tell you, I'm in much the same situation, only my girlfriend is an MTF TS (pre- op).

So, the thing is, I keep thinking I should stay with her because she accepts me. However, she has a lot of things going on in her life, as do I (read some of my other posts for more information).

I would ultimately say that you should break up with her. I'm guessing that since she only started liking your crossdressing after you moved away (thus giving her, basically, an ultimatum, even if you didn't realise it at the time), she was afraid you were leaving and decided to sweeten the deal.

Of course, I realise the implications of a break up (being in the same situation). In my situation I'm more worried about Dianne than myself. She is having so many problems that I don't want to complicate her life further by causing her a heartbreak while she's already having such a hard time.

My guess is, though, that she's probably having as hard a time as you are. She's probably having doubts as well, and is waiting for your word. Sit down with her-- have a talk. Determine where both of you stand-- what your expectations of this relationship are.

Keep in mind that girls are weird and send mixed messages-- she may also think she wants get married simply because it's a way to keep you (or someone) around. Divorces are a lot harder than breakups and she knows that. However, she may only be thinking this subconsciously. She's afraid of rejection. This is only a guess, but in my experience this is how women think.

Once you've determined where you both stand, take a mandatory break from each other for about a week. Have NO contact with each other. Don't see each other in person, don't talk on the phone, and no internet contact-- so you both have time to really think about the relationship. Then converge and discuss your thoughts over the week, and reconsider.

I would ultimately say it's not worth hanging onto, but I also believe in giving people second chances. So, that's what I would suggest.

Hope I've been somewhat helpful, and do let me know what's happened.


05-20-2005, 11:53 PM
if a monkey bites you how long will it hurt, and what kind of medicine will they give you ?
Yes it will hurt. And they will test you for several monkey- born diseases, including AIDS, herpes, hepititis, and Rabies. Once the test results are determined, they will then determine the required course of action and treatment.

05-21-2005, 12:52 AM
thank you. i've asked several people and you are the first to give me a straight answer.

thank you again

05-21-2005, 04:10 AM
No problem...
Now I have a question...
Did you really get bitten by a monkey? Or are you planning on getting bitten by a monkey? Or are you going to the zoo? Or are you just being silly?
I'm slightly confused as to the nature of your question. :D
Oh, yeah, and I just realised you asked how long it would hurt. I think that depends on where you were bitten, how deeply you were bitten, and how severe the bite was.
For instance, I got bit on the lip by a small dog once (still have a scar)... It wasn't a very deep bite but it hurt for about 2 weeks or so.
I've been bitten several times by my small Senegal parrot... The last time was on the inside of the second knuckle of my index finger. That was about 2 or 3 months ago and it still hurts sometimes if pressure is applied to it. But beaks are sharp and very strong and I think it tore a tendon.
My brother used to bite me, too, when we were little... That didn't hurt for very long but he had small teeth and couldn't bite very hard.

05-21-2005, 07:40 AM
no i have not been bitten , just was wondering. :D

05-21-2005, 01:51 PM
Thank you - I respect the honesty in your response. Actually, good advice really.

I can't stop laughing about the phrase "monkey-born diseases" - sorry.

Ever get good advice, know it's good advice, and then kind of ignore it out of fear? That's where I'm at. Good luck with your situation, by the way - I hope you follow your heart, as hard as it often is.

Monkey-born diseases... lol.

05-21-2005, 02:19 PM
Stephanie, yes I've gotten good advice and ignored it out of fear.
It kind of sucks.

05-22-2005, 01:31 AM
Thought you were talking about something certain types of men might carry......... :D

05-22-2005, 01:38 AM
Well, men can carry HIV, herpes, and hepititis... And rabies too!

05-22-2005, 09:50 AM
Well, men can carry HIV, herpes, and hepititis... And rabies too!

Nasty, smelly things. Glad I'm at least a part time Girl ! :)

05-23-2005, 01:10 AM
Well, first of all, welcome to the board!

As for your first question, about wigs, it depends on a few things: your hair length, the length and quality of the wig, how much you're willing to pay, and how well you would pass otherwise.

If you think you could pass very well you may not even need a wig. Wear your hair loose or in a low ponytail, and obviously don't do anything to style it. Just brush through it and make it look like you just washed it and let it be. Any hair on your face can be feminizing, so don't leave any bangs or wisps of hair over your face.
Or, wear a hat and leave your hair loose, tucked behind your ears. Or you could put it in a ponytail, but don't put it through the loop in the back of the cap. Girls do that, guys usually don't.

If you don't think you could pass as well with long hair, then you may need to get a slightly longer wig. Any wig you get needs to be realistic looking-- ie made with human hair, not nylon or something else. An expensive wig will allow you to part the hair if you'd like-- with most wigs you cannot part them otherwise it looks like doll hair. So if you do go with a wig, make sure it is a good one. I wouldn't recommend buying one off the Internet-- go to a wig shop and try them on. Ask the sales assistant for an opinion on how real it looks.

As for passing... I've passed well before, sometimes. It all depends on the day, really. Passing is all in how you walk, carry yourself, speak, and a million other tiny little things that send subconscious signals to other people. It is actually easier in non- queer company, because queers are excellent at reading people.

For instance, if you went to a gay/ queer bar and tried to pass, it wouldn't work because they would figure you were a drag queen, unless you were EXTREMELY good. And, even then, some people will likely still read you.

Straight people tend not to be as perceptive, especially men.

The things that are most likely to give you away (ignoring anatomy for now) are your voice, how you walk and sit, and how you interact with people.

For walking and mannerisms, etc., you'll have to watch and immitate men. They tend to have a different walk-- they may have a sort of strut, etc., but they usually take longer steps. Don't bounce when you walk unless it looks very deliberate-- like a strut. If you smoke, hold the cigarette between your second knuckles or at least not at the very tips of your fingers.
Try not to fold your arms too much or it will obviate your breasts, and that's not good. If you put your hands in your pockets, shove them deep in and slouch. Cross your legs ankle over knee when sitting, or keep the legs spread wide apart.

If you're wearing tighter jeans especially, or slacks, you'll need to pack. Stuff a sock in there or buy a packy (most online sex stores sell them-- be sure to get a soft pack and not a dildo, otherwise people will wonder why you've always got a hardon).

Shoes are important too. Don't ever buy unisex clothes or shoes-- no man would ever do that. If your feet are small, buy your shoes a size or two too big, and wear insoles or lifts, or shove cotton in the toes to take up the extra room. White socks with sneakers, and dark socks with dress shoes.

Belts should go around your waist to the left. Wear your trousers on the hips, not around the belly button. And if you have curves (big hips) don't wear tight pants-- it will make them obvious.

If you're wearing a blazer, get a long one, which will also help hide the hips. Remember, guys unbutton the blazer when they sit down.

Shirts with patterns will distract the eyes from breasts as well, so get button- down shirts that are striped vertically or diagonally, checked, plaid, etc. Extra starch will also help keep the shirt from clinging to your skin too much.

Also-- shave your face. Guys don't have that peach fuzz girls have, which is very obvious in bright sun. And don't wear fake facial hair unless it is REALLY good (again, human hair).

It takes practise, so don't be discouraged if it doesn't work out right away.

As for passing in very close proximity... I've never made out with anyone while passing, who didn't know I was a girl. The only time I made out with a stranger I was at a gay bar, and was dressed like David Bowie. Not good for passing purposes.

Most people who just see you and don't talk to you will offer no indication of what sex they think you are, so you'll have to test yourself on people who don't know you, and who would indicate their opinion-- cashiers (will normally say "hello sir" or "have a good day, dude"), etc.

Also, practise introducing yourself as your male name so you don't have to think about it if someone asks you. This may seem obvious, but it is a bit flustering to have to think about it-- I mean, you've been going by your female name your whole life and are used to it.

Also, it really helps to be hanging out with a bunch of guys who will help you out and are aware that you're trying to pass. I find that being out with girls (even just one, so it might appear like a date) is a hinderance. Just hang out and act like one of the guys.

And, a very important rule-- DON'T go into womens' bathrooms! If you're not sure how well you're passing, don't use the bathroom. If you absolutely have to, then go to a gas station with an outside bathroom where they have to give you a key. Which key they give you will give you an idea as to how well you're passing anyway. Some places have unisex bathrooms, so if you have to go, those are the safest.

Breasts-- bind them, even if they're small. Back braces work well, with a t- shirt over it and then another shirt over that. Don't use ACE bandages, because they cut off circulation, restrict breathing, and tend to slip. Also don't use cling film because, while it seems like a good idea, it causes major dehydration and skin irritation. A tight sports bra (a couple sizes too small) works well, too. Look for ones with a high lycra content, as they'll hold you in better. If you choose to use tape, make sure you put it OVER a bra (so you don't rip off any skin-- ouch!) and don't wrap it too tightly. Always wear an extra t- shirt so cover up any bulges from binding. Place your breasts down and out, toward your armpits.

About bathrooms, read the thread "boys' loo" for more tips and stuff.

Also, you may Google FTM passing tips and read up about it. Also you may visit my website for more tips and experiences.

Hope this helps. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask.

05-29-2005, 11:16 PM
a voice that absolutely won't pass on the phone could still pass when speaking face to face to someone, so appearence takes priority; keep tonal variation small, make conversation terse

05-30-2005, 09:02 PM
*reading avidly*....yay!! Thank you!!

I'm just now starting to look at taking a male persona out in public - my issues are similar - I have long hair (with bangs), and lots of curves, so I'm looking for ways to sucessfully pass. I know the bangs are feminine - they're fairly short, too. Elias isn't a "baseball cap" kinda guy - I was thinking to braid my hair low, and maybe use some kind of product to slick the bangs back into the rest of my hair? Any suggestions?

I've been playing with my voice, and I've found a good male register that I can speak and sing in - I drive a lot in my job, so I practice in the car. I hang out with quite a few drag queens and drag kings - I'd like to develop all of this without their assistence, though, so I can go out to some event dressed, and see how long it takes them to figure it out! Hee!!

- Elias

Yeah... Slicking the bangs back would work, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend a braid. I'd go more for a low ponytail (unless you're extremely masculine). Depending on your hairstyle, you could leave the bangs in your face as long as they're kind of disheveled.
Good work on the voice. That's how I've been working on mine. Basically, as long as your intonation is good and you don't sound strained, it doesn't really matter how deep your voice is. My voice is naturally deeper than a lot of guys' but if I'm not careful it can sound kinda girlie. And if your voice cracks, that's okay too. Mine does all the time (I think it's genetic-- my father's does too and he's 38 lol)
But whatever you do, don't hurt your voice. Strain it too hard and you're apt to ruin it. The rule is, if it hurts, STOP. But you probably knew that :)

Anyways it sounds like you pretty much know what you're doing. So you should be fine.

And, sorry for taking so long to reply-- I was out of town for the weekend.

Sweet Jeanette
06-23-2005, 08:59 PM
I have one small question:---I live in a small, Texas, CD hating town, but I want other CDs to recognize me for what and who I am. Is there some, "Universal" sign, or mark, in the CD world, that ALL CDs, wherever they may be, even in a town like mine, will recognize? ---I am very busy during the day, and, I suspect, have tunnel vision, or maybe, cataracts, and I am not really aware of what goes on around me much, anymore.---I am old enough to have them!!! :cry: ---I wish there was a way they, could recognize me!----I know of 2 here in our town, and am sure that there are many more, just "unseen".------Is there "Something I could wear, or have pierced, or whatever, to achieve this?

06-23-2005, 10:53 PM
Erm... I'm not sure, although maybe having long, painted fingernails would do the trick.
I've never heard of any signs though. Maybe someone else knows.

Sweet Jeanette
06-26-2005, 09:02 PM
Erm... I'm not sure, although maybe having long, painted fingernails would do the trick.
I've never heard of any signs though. Maybe someone else knows.Lets put it another way. I cannot do the long nail thing. Not here, in the town I live in. ----Is there maybe, a "Subtle" way, to show what you are?----Something that the "others" won't notice? :confused:

06-27-2005, 05:20 AM
Yeah, I'm not sure, other than knowing who's who and stuff... I mean, if you walk into a tg bar and get to know some people...
But I really don't know of any "signs", not that most people wouldn't notice anyway... I'm not sure how much people pay attention to stuff like arched eyebrows and a smidge of mascara... CDs do but I'm not sure about others.

Sweet Jeanette
06-27-2005, 11:01 PM
Yeah, I'm not sure, other than knowing who's who and stuff... I mean, if you walk into a tg bar and get to know some people...
But I really don't know of any "signs", not that most people wouldn't notice anyway... I'm not sure how much people pay attention to stuff like arched eyebrows and a smidge of mascara... CDs do but I'm not sure about others.

Ok. Im at the point that I may try something like that.----I DO try to act feminine in public, in my drabs, but the people around here are so hyper, that they pick up on stuff like that!---The guy I have ridden with for 15 years has, at times, picked up on it, so I had to chill!---(He is a Gay and CD hater), and believes they all deserve a bullet!---Thats what Im up against.---Here is one: All the towns around us are having a FREE clinic, for AIDS testing. Not OUR town!!!------This town denies that ANY of "those kind" of people live here, and will not allow the testing in our town!!! :eek: ---This S-it is STUPID!!!----Old Minds, BIG Money, and Old ideas! Big, Old money RULES this town!----You get the idea?--------It SUCKS!!!!!! :mad: ---I will try simple hints:- a bit of rouge,---maybe some VERY LIGHT lipstick, ---stuff like that. ---Do you think CDs in our town, would pick up on hints like that?-----I do not want want to wind up tied to a barbed wire fence, in the middle of a field, -Gutted . ---Like that gay man in Montana, or such, did!!!------It can happen easily, if I am too obvious! :cry:-------Oh, I should add this,------There are NO TG bars, or anything like that HERE!!!!

06-28-2005, 03:12 AM
Maybe you should move.

Sweet Jeanette
06-28-2005, 08:08 PM
Maybe you should move.

I've thought of doing just that, but I am locked into my job. ---No way I can move.

07-03-2005, 11:19 AM
I would welcome any advice on binding for large chests. I am a 38GG (UK size) and most of the advice I've found so far seems to suggest that most options work best for small chests.

Although I'm short (5' 1"), I'm fairly fat so my aim is to sort of blend my boobs in with the rest of me.

I was wondering if anyone out there had found anything that really works?

07-03-2005, 07:36 PM
I would say to buy a full- sized binder-- one that goes all the way down past your waist so you can tuck it in.
Try this llink and see if any of these will work. They're really inexpensive compared to others I've seen and there are sizing charts and reviews on which binders do what (best binding, durability, comfort, etc.)

07-03-2005, 07:39 PM
By the way, if you look at my profile pic, the shirt I'm wearing is a super- stretchy, surfing type shirt. It's really thin material, made completely of spandex or lycra or something, and is quite comfortable. One of those might help you.
The only problem with them is that, while they're quite long (or can be, if you pull them down around your legs which helps to flatten you out) they do tend to ride up.
Perhaps some sort of unitard would do you good.

07-04-2005, 02:55 PM
Thanks for that, Abraxas. The t-kingdom site looks like it could be v useful. I take your point about the unitard as well - certainly worth investigating.

08-09-2005, 03:14 PM
well most tg or cd have what typically sterotyped as gaydar, but in your case much like mine i live in hickville usa and i plainly dont care if bubba jim and billie bob dont like me they better carry a bigger gun and have bigger balls than me lol, eddie had a good idea maybe get out of town if moving is 86ed, go to a big city and you will be amazed to what you can find

08-09-2005, 03:15 PM
hey eddie, call me a genius but are you in europe?

08-09-2005, 05:51 PM
hey eddie, call me a genius but are you in europe?

No, I'm actually not... I'm in-- get this-- Salt Lake City. :eek:
(I am an Anglophile and Europhile though, so I tend to speak/ type like Brits and other Europeans)

debra ann
08-26-2005, 07:42 AM
Hi; I was woundering what is recomended for a crossdresser to wear on first date. Should it be conservitive or sexy. I am new at this, going out on a date. I've been dressing for about 20 yrs in privite but i am going to expand my horizen. any help will be great. Thanks Debra Ann :)

08-26-2005, 11:46 AM
Hmm. Well, I think it depends upon the person with whom you're going out. If it's someone who really gets into the whole CD thing then I would go more sexy. If it's someone who is accepting of it but hasn't had much experienc in the field either, I would go more conservative.
I would say, for a first date with a person, don't overdo it-- midlength skirt (you can go above the knee, but keep everything well concealed) and a shirt that doesn't show too much skin.
Good luck!

debra ann
08-27-2005, 07:11 AM
Hi; Thanks for the info this will help me very much. Thanks again Abraxas. Debra Ann

08-27-2005, 10:20 AM
No problem. Glad to be of service!

02-05-2006, 06:39 PM
I'm sad quite often, nothing really makes me happy anymore, but i dont want to go on antidepressants and i dont want to smoke pot or get drunk.

I try to make friends but its very hard to do because i am in college and everybody loves substances and wants me to do them, too.... So i am lonely a lot.

What should i do?

02-05-2006, 07:40 PM
Of course do not drink it just makes it worse. Believe me been there done that and dumm enough to try again:) You made a good choice in joining the group here. I go by Aaron. Collage can be lonely.
I to get depressed and even though I'm in a relationship I get lonely sometimes. I do not really have friends outside of my girlfriend. Takeing meds is not as bad as you might think. I'm not a med pusher but with out my meds I might not be here. just something to think about.
Oh and before I forget welcome.

02-06-2006, 10:11 PM
Welcome, Jared.
All I can say is, just hang in there. Don't stop yourself from meeting people. I did that for a long time. I would think I was trying to make friends but I really wasn't trying hard enough.
I'm in college, too. I went through half of my first year without talking to anybody outside of class. My teachers knew more about me than the other students did. Then I started talking to this guy and he invited me to come over to the dorms. I met some people, now I've got a big group of friends I can hang out with weekly.
I totally understand the substance- pushing types (And I'll admit that I'm always completely wasted at parties), but most of them don't really mind if you just hang out and not drink or whatever (and they'll be grateful, too-- one less person to buy boozew for). However, I also realise it's not necessarily fun to be the only sober person at a party.
Try going to some clubs in your area, or restaurants that have shows and stuff (there are a few restaurants around here that do music and comedy most nights). Pick whatever you're into and go to places that will accomodate. Pretty soon you'll find yourself talking to people, or having people come up and talk to you.
Chin up, mate. :)
By the way, PM or email me anytime you'd like.

deana cd
02-26-2006, 08:34 PM
Here's my question: Did you get your name from the Santana album? Just wondering.

02-26-2006, 09:48 PM
Nope, I didn't. I hadn't ever heard of the album when I picked the name. I actually got it from my favourite book, "Demian" by Hermann Hesse.

04-09-2006, 11:21 AM
My question is im in the uk looking for a job when i fill out my job application i have to by law write female on the form but of cousre when i turn up for a interview i will be male looking how can i get round this :sad:

04-11-2006, 07:57 PM
As far as I can tell, there's no real way but to just tell your employer what's up and make sure he's aware that turning someone down based on discrimination is illegal.