Which Is The Problem?

[TSchapes]

Is cross-dressing the problem or being in the closet?

I think this question is straight forward enough by itself. I do think the answers would indicate what actions the cross-dressing community should take. I'm interested in your thoughts on this.

CD or closet, you choose...

-Tracy

[Jacqui]

Why is either a problem?
And, for whom?

[Genifer Teal]

Hide it if you want to but not because you are ashamed of it. I think many anxieties and stress from dressing are due to keeping the secret and living the lie.

Gen

[teresa jeen]

its more a society problem then a personal one.Id love to begin a day and end that day dressed, in the open and forthright. the problem is most people (citizens included) dont agree. im lucky in i get to dress most everyday.

[Jodi]

I see neither of the choices as a problem. The problem that I see is a person's inability to accept themselves for who they are.

Jodi

[danielle_from_cal]

I agree with many of the other posts. I don't see either as a "problem". It is an annoyance to be in the closet. It would be great (in some ways) to be out of the closet). But crossdressing is just normal for me. I enjoy it and would not wish for anything else.

[sandcastle]

Keeping a secret and not being truthful are the most distressful and saddening of all.

Plus all the time-consuming hiding things away and not having them to hand.

Sandra.

[trannie T]

I did not vote as I do not believe that crossdressing is a problem. Being in the closet could be a symptom of a problem. The reason one is in the closet whether it is an unsupportive spouse or a refusal to be honest with oneself could well be a problem.

[RobertaFermina]

CrossDressing is not a problem....There simply isn't a problem unless one uses CD to abuse another, or one is abused for CDing. In which case, it is how CD is employed or viewed that introduces a problem.

The Closet is not a problem. It is a solution to a judgmental and threatening world. It is a problem when one is driven into the closet, or we uses the closet to hide from themselves.

No vote from me, cause these are not problems for me, and I can't apply them generally for others.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Jilmac]

I kept it in the closet for too many years because my wife didn't approve, not because I was ashamed of crossdressing. It's much easier to be out now and tell the truth about it.

[docrobbysherry]

I voted "CDing". Because without my closet, I couldn't/wouldn't CD.

However, in restrospect, I would vote for, " Neither".

[Nicki B]

What 'problem'?

Tracey, your question isn't straightforward, to me?

[Jacqui]

The reason one is in the closet whether it is an unsupportive spouse or a refusal to be honest with oneself could well be a problem.

With all due respect, trannie, your answer implies that there are two reasons to be in the closet. There are, of course, as many different reasons as there are people in the closet.

And just because they are "in" doesn't mean that they are not honest with themselves.

For you or anybody else to think it is a problem IS the problem!

Just my :2c:

[trannie T]

I am sorry that my post was misinterperated, what I meant to say was that there are many reasons to remain in the closet and I presented two of them. Jacqui is absolutely correct in saying there are as many reason as there are closets. I wished to state that the the reason one is in the closet may be a problem.

[Suzie S.]

My crossdressing hasn't been a problem, but my closet really needs a makeover more than I do! :eek:

[Carroll]

I am out of the closet and into the yard

[dominique]

I don't see a problem with any of them. I'm happy being in the closet and very happy with my dressing.

[Joanne f]

In my view nether cross dressing or being in the closet are the problems , it is the people that are putting the constraints on you that are the problems.







joanne

[Tina Dixon]

Pretty easy to see what every one thinks here is, most of us people in the closet just want to get out I think, my self I don't so much as want to be female 24/7 but to go out to CD events and maybe be able to get together with other CD's.

[tamarav]

I don't have a problem since I came out of the closet....69663

[Sam-antha]

Getting out of the door for the first time is the bigest problem.
But I see what you mean, and the problem of the closet dweller is getting out that door.
The problem for the walking out girl is the cost, but pleasures cost anyway so what is one extra.

[Nicki B]

I hope she'll forgive me?

[CD Susan]

Tracy, I did not vote on your poll. I do not see cd'ing as a problem and I left the closet for good two months ago so that is not a problem either. I am just someone that is so satisfied with my life that I do not let little inconveniences become a problem.

[Empress Lainie]

I can only give an opinion since I haven't lived in the closet. I made an overnight complete change. and if people didn't like to I didn't care. It did get me fired from complaints by two ignorant people who didn't even know me and a supervisor's supervisor who apparently hates trannies.

[TSchapes]

Why is either a problem?
And, for whom?

For many that are not on this board or even on the Internet and don't know they are not alone, crossdressing can seem like a curse.

Being in the closet keeps the general public ignorant of how many of us there are and who we are. How diverse we are.


Keeping a secret and not being truthful are the most distressful and saddening of all.

Plus all the time-consuming hiding things away and not having them to hand.

Sandra.

I agree about keeping a secret and lying. Lying to ourselves, to our friends and especially to our SO's. Hiding is very time consuming and a side effect of the closet.


I don't have a problem since I came out of the closet....

I love you Tami! I'm glad you're out there for all of us!


I hope she'll forgive me?

Niki, I love that picture! and I'm glad your out of there! LOL

By the vote I see it is the closet and I believe this too. I'm methodically coming out of the closet to friends and co-workers. I see this as a way for non-TG people to understand we have been here all along and we are harmless. Also, those that haven't come to terms with their own transgendered feelings, to know that there are CD's out in public, and being accepted, is very important.

Self-acceptance is the first step, whether you stay in the closet or not. But coming out especially to our SO's is first and foremost in my mind.

Love, Tracy :love:

[sexy_cd]

Problem for me has to CD as i am bi i could still be with a girl.

[Sedona]

Neither, so didn't vote.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Tracy,
I suppose being in the Closet could be a problem. If your happy to be there then end of story, but for some they are there because they are not allowed to be who they want to be for various reasons. I would imagine having to hide things and live a double life because of circumstances could prove to be very stressful and not everyone enjoys the lonliness that some CDs suffer. Some CDs that I know have actually suffered mental health problems and severe depression because of being in the closet.
Bev

[TSchapes]

Hi Tracy,
I suppose being in the Closet could be a problem. If your happy to be there then end of story, but for some they are there because they are not allowed to be who they want to be for various reasons. I would imagine having to hide things and live a double life because of circumstances could prove to be very stressful and not everyone enjoys the lonliness that some CDs suffer. Some CDs that I know have actually suffered mental health problems and severe depression because of being in the closet.
Bev

Not to mention suicide.

It does seem to be a chicken and egg dilemma. Is it because people don't understand or hate us that we are in the closet, or because we are in the closet people don't understand us? It's a vicious circle. I think we can learn a lot about how to conquer this by learning from; building on other movements such as the women's suffrage and the gay/lesbian movements. :2c:

-Tracy

[carolinewalker_2000]

Well, clearly the poll results speak for themseves!!!

[christid66]

Pretty easy to see what every one thinks here is, most of us people in the closet just want to get out I think, my self I don't so much as want to be female 24/7 but to go out to CD events and maybe be able to get together with other CD's.

Absolutely agree Tina !
I dream of being able to go out dressed but have no desire to change genders permanently

[Nicki B]

Is it because people don't understand or hate us that we are in the closet,

If you're in the closet, how can you know that's how people think? I've never met 'hatred' such as you talk of.. Incomprehension or fear, maybe, but hatred? :strugglin


I dream of being able to go out dressed

So.... What could you do, to make it happen?

[Andi]

Tracy, I voted that cross-dressing as the problem. It's something I didn't ask for, have no idea how to deal with it except to do it in the closet. Too many people, opinions, laws, etc would cause a me lot of grief if I transitioned. Also my brain is very confused about who I think I am but my body is definitely male, a real sobering dose of reality and more grief. The closet is only a coping mechanism for me, cross-dressing is the problem. I'd be better off if I was wired differently. :sad:

[boy2girl31]

In my view nether cross dressing or being in the closet are the problems , it is the people that are putting the constraints on you that are the problems.

joanne

This is how I see it I love who I am. I think I like myself more dressed than not. It is society that is the problem not CDing or being in the closet. I wish we could eliminate all preducice as then very few of us would be in the closet.

[Bev06 GG]

If you're in the closet, how can you know that's how people think? I've never met 'hatred' such as you talk of.. Incomprehension or fear, maybe, but hatred? :strugglin



So.... What could you do, to make it happen?

Hi Nicki,
Well on the hatred front I have actually come across it and it was at Sparkle of all places. Not in canal street admitedly but I did witness a CD being verbally attacked in the Ibis by a young couple who were very aggressive toward him. I thought at first they were abit worse for wear with drink but it transpirted that they were not, they just hated the fact that their hotel had been taken over by CDs whom they referred to as perverts and scum of the earth. Some of the things said to this guy were pure hate and the thing that really shocked me was that none of the hotel staff came to the rescue. Probably because they were young and inexperienced but it was quite shocking, very disturbing and amazingly surprising. How would you dare have the arrogance to attack one CD amongst many at a TG event. The only thing I could do was to take the CD away from the situation because to be honest he was in shock. He left early the next morning before I had a chance to check he was Ok. I just hope and pray that it didn't put him off attending events like Sparkle again.
Take care
Bev

[Shelly Preston]

Everyone needs to find there own level of crossdressing

Being in the closet is perfectly ok for some but for others is a nightmare
As someone who only recently stepped out of the closet all be it only very briefly. I can tell you things change over time for longer than I can remember, I had no desire to get out.

Choosing the correct venue to get out can be vital
I was in the ibis this year at sparkle which was great as I was not alone going out to meet the general public

Being in the closet is only a problem if you are unhappy but be careful coming out can have consequences too

[Joanne f]

[QUOTE=Nicki B;1387889]If you're in the closet, how can you know that's how people think? I've never met 'hatred' such as you talk of.. Incomprehension or fear, maybe, but hatred? :strugglin

Nicki B,
i am somewhat reluctant to write this as i know you have far more experience with the Cding world than i do , in fact i have no experience with other Cds at all so it it only basted on a personal level.
I can tell you that there is hatred out there as i have suffered it myself and ended up in A&E because of it and then county court, i could show you the police photo`s of me to prove it but i think that would do more harm on here than good as i believe it is a rare occurrence, i have just been unlucky.
You pass very well so i can understand how you can miss this other side of Cding and i hope that you or anyone else never have to witness any form of hatred but it can happen if only rarely so just be careful and vigilant , and i do not want to put anyone off from doing what they would like to do in fact what i know has to be done to move Cding forward, but i would be unjust to myself if i did not send this.


joanne

[TSchapes]

If you're in the closet, how can you know that's how people think? I've never met 'hatred' such as you talk of.. Incomprehension or fear, maybe, but hatred? :strugglin



So.... What could you do, to make it happen?

I am trying to take steps in coming out at work, getting out to functions like the Southern Comfort Conference and I'm active in the GLBT group at work.

I was the target of hate when I went out with my wife on our first date. It was on Halloween and I was dressed as Elvira. We went to a public Halloween Party in Downtown Detroit at the upscale Renaissance Center. There was a group of young men checking us both out and yelling, "Fagots, let's go kill the fagots." This episode is what keeps my wife from going with me en femme, and she is fearful of me going out at all.

Here in the states there have been a number of attacks on TG people, lest we forget:

Amy Soos
Phoenix Arizona 2-16-2002
Amy Soos lived all her file on the Salt River Pima Indian Reservation in Arizona, but went often into Phoenix in the evenings. After not returning home one night her body was discovered in a roadway. She died of multiple blunt force trauma. She had been beaten many other times before her death.

Deasha (Gerald) Andrews and Terrianne Summers
Jacksonville, Florida, 8-8-2002 and 12-12-2001

Deasha Andrews was discovered in her car, after having been shot several times. Police are not pursuing this as a hate crime, and do not feel there is any tie-in between it and another Jacksonville murder that took place in December of 2001, when Terrianne Summers, a transgendered activist in the Jacksonville area who had been very involved in the efforts against discrimination at the Winn-Dixie chain, was shot to death in her own front yard days after participating in the 2001 Transgender Day of Remembrance.

You may find more names at www.gender.org/remember/ (http://www.gender.org/remember/)

Just this last July 29, a man opened fire on a Unitarian Church killing two. His motive was the church was filled with gays and liberals. Several transgender people were at that church that day. In the general publics eye there is no difference between TG and gay. You can find the article here along with blog responses: Blogrunner.com (http://www.blogrunner.com/snapshot/D/0/5/gunman_opens_fire_in_tennessee_church_2_killed/)

All these things are real in my mind every time I think about going out. This is why I think education for the general public is so important, prior to me going out frequently.

-Tracy

[Dr.Susan]

Both

[Nicki B]

Well on the hatred front I have actually come across it and it was at Sparkle of all places. Not in canal street admitedly but I did witness a CD being verbally attacked in the Ibis by a young couple who were very aggressive toward him.

Was this in the Charles St Ibis, Bev? Such an attack (even verbal) is a criminal offence, in the UK. Certainly a complaint to the hotel management would be in order, for allowing it to go unchallenged. (I'm amazed if there were no other transfolk around, it's usually pretty busy over Sparkle weekend.)

It's sad, because Manchester is proud to advertise itself as a global tourist destination, now including Sparkle amongst the diversity of it's attractions. I'm sure those involved in selling the city would want also to jump on such an incident, to prove what a safe and welcoming place it is.


You pass very well so i can understand how you can miss this other side of Cding

I was assaulted last year in a gay club (I certainly don't ever pass - I'm 6'3") and had my nose broken. But equally, I've been attacked in male mode as well in the same city. Of course there is violence in this world, particularly when people have had too much to drink or taken drugs.

The first point that I was trying to make, to Tracey, is that one's perception in the closet is perhaps different to that you get when out in the world? But of course (like any woman) you need to be careful where you go and what situations you put yourself into. Shit happens..


But people have also quoted my second point, replying to christi - perhaps she might like to come back? What would help her to get where she wants to be?

[Nicole Erin]

Closet = problem. A little hard to live your life if you are stuck in the closet yeah? CDing is not a problem at all. Well, actually it is, since most of us never have a thing to wear when we want to go out. Only one cure for that - shopping.


I hope she'll forgive me?

Oh gyod, Nicki will never get out of the closet in this case. :heehee:

[curse within]

If asked a few days back I would have said crossdressing .. I voted in the closet nothing wrong with CDing I am finding ,just no courage and the fear of not being accepted by family and friends.

[Susan Dee]

Tracy

A good summary of the situation in your post of August 6, particularly your comments at the end.

A few years ago I would have answered Crossdressing, but now it's the closet.

I guess that it's how far down the road you are of self acceptance, and shedding that load of guilt that most of us have to carry.

Susan

[PamelaTX]

Only one cure for that - shopping.


Isn't that the cure for just about everything?

[Celeste]

I like being in the closet but don't want to shut the door on going out.So my answer is neither is a problem, and I always want both options.

[Selene EV]

Hi Tracy
I agree. self acceptance is the first step. It took a long time for me to come to the point where I can accept that I am a crossdresser. Does it matter to me what people think? Yea it does. Does it matter that much? NO I wish it wasn't such a big deal, but I know it is. I am what I am. If the rest of the world can't deal with me, to bad. I'm not going to change. I don't want to. Theres no reason I have to.

[Claire3]

Sorry,didnt vote.No problems here!

[Tiffy]

I HATE this damn closet. Way to small and must and dark. Can not see the colors of my clothes real well in here.

Tiffany

[Raychel]

After all these years I have finaly grown to accept my CDing. It is the damn closet that is causing all the issues.

[Sarah Doepner]

After reading the comments and seeing the results of the survey may I suggest a new version of the question?

What is the problem with Crossdressing?

Self-acceptance or Public perception?

We could probably build a simple matrix and see where we fall. Accept or not on one axis and in or out of the closet on the other. It seems that some are happy in the closet and either accept or don't accept their crossdressing but don't want to share it beyond that closed world.

Others have the desire to go out and either stay in the closet or actually make it, partially based on their willingness to deal with the public view of crossdressing. I believe there will be very few in this group who have not accepted their crossdressing, but the desire to get out may overwhealm their fears.

Does this make any sense?

[Nicki B]

After reading the comments and seeing the results of the survey may I suggest a new version of the question?

Sarah - why don't you start a new poll? :)