limerence (the trans-ed and their SOs)

[Ásfríðr]

hullo all, me has a question. in the form of a short explanation.

i know a lot of you who have transitioned were already in a relationship when you started, i'd love to hear about those relationships too, but whats been worrying me is finding someone whos 'right' after and during transition. obviously it affects things, i mean, a straight girl wants a man, a gay girl wants a woman, (same with men, gay and straight)
but, physically, i'd be close to one but also, in a way, neither. sex and sex drive changes, all sorts of things seem to put pressure on having a stable relationship. this applies to mtf as much as ftm crossing people, is it hard to find love being a transsexual? what about our lover's comfort with our bodies ect?

xx

[AngharadD]

Well, it can be complicated - maybe even a bit excessively at times. No shows are very common as people get afraid of going out with some who is trans, or some begin feeling guilt because they might be objectifying the person on the other side (yes, apparently these people exist).

But there are people out there who like trans people, and there are people out there who like ts trans people who have their birth genitalia (and not all are creepy w*nk*rs). Of course it's a bit easier to date within the queer community really. And it takes a while...

For the sex drive, orientation, desires, I've seen people all over the place. I've seen people going from maybe-nonop to postop in three years, and people who figured out they didn't care for bottom surgery a while in. Transition in this regards, well, brutal self-honesty is the best policy imho.

[Valeria]

I know lots of post-op trans females in happy, stable, long-term relationships. It takes some work to get there, but your status as a woman doesn't have to be nearly as tenuous as you think. I know straight trans females who have married straight men, and gay trans females with lesbian life partners. I'm not saying there are no problems -- even cis females often have relationship problems, and we've added an extra reason or two for potential partners to reject us. But there are lots of happy endings.

I also know lots of trans males in happy relationships with women -- although they are typically with queer women who used to identify as lesbian. Op status doesn't matter as much. I don't know the op status of all the guys I know, but I've known one or two from early enough on in transition that I know they had not had any surgeries when they started dating their present girlfriend. Sometimes their girlfriend leaves when they become "too" male, but certainly not always.

I don't really know many gay trans males, or straight trans males with straight girlfriends, but that's because I mostly meet trans males in queer women circles (usually because they are someone's boyfriend).

Pre-op or non-op for trans females, it's possible to find a relationship that lasts. My life partner and I started dating after I'd transitioned part way, but long before I had bottom surgery. But it is tricky, and I'd beware of anyone that prefers you because you are a pre-op TS person, because they are frequently chasers who will just objectify you as a sex object, and then dump you when you move forward with transition.

Maybe I'm jaded, but I think that while relationships are really hard early in transition, the whole trans stuff just eventually becomes another detail to be revealed once you've transitioned far enough and become secure in who you are. I know trans people who are convinced they'll never find love, but I've a cis girlfriend who's 28 and incredibly cute who thinks the same thing. Shrug.

YMMV.

[Empress Lainie]

dont know if I can say much here, but after my transition, I realized that I was not likely to find a woman that would take a tranny, and I certainly didn't want a man, so a relationship just sort of happened with another tranny. She is 42 years younger than me. Neither of us have much if any interest in sex.

Then tonight I found a second woman who was interested in me as a man, and she said: "then you became a woman."
So she showed some hostility toward me with me wondering why since we had been friendly before, but after tonights conversation we are friends again, and it was her that came to me to restore it. She was like my exgf, didn't want to lose me as a man. I just never knew they cared about it that much. I told her I even gave up a promising romantic dating arrangement with another woman to transition.

[Nicki B]

..whats been worrying me is finding someone whos 'right' after and during transition.

I really don't think it's wise trying to start long-term relationships while you transition - the key is in the words, you are changing and you don't know where you'll end up? It's certainly not unusual to find your sexuality can change, during and shortly post-transition?

I've known too many people get hurt. It's like thinking you know who you are before the onset of puberty? :strugglin You don't know what you don't know..