clueless wives?

[jo_ann]

anyone have wives that don't quite get the whole crossdressing thing? I mean she confuses it with "wanting to be a woman". I don't want to cut off my penis, cut my salary, and force myself to wear painful shoes all day.. but when I'm in the mood, CD'ing feels awfully good once in a while. I try to get her to read some of my transgender books trying to explain it, but she never seems to get around to it.

[ronni]

That's a line that I can't cross--transgender?
No, I can't be a woman nor do I want to be, it's all about the clothes.
I guess that's why they call it cross-dressing

[AbbyLee]

Hi ,

I agree with Ronni. I love the clothes and when dressed want to emulate a gg to the extent possible ie I am am a cross-dresser (and love it whenever I have the opportunity)
:) AbbyLee

[Jerry]

Although my wife knows, and gives me a little girl time when we can, she doesn't want to see or be involved. We've not talked about it too much either. Every once in a while we'll hint around the edges if we've both had a few drinks, but she's clearly uncomfortable.

Although I'd love to share, I respect her wishes. Maybe some day she'll come around. I put myself in her shoes (figuratively, not literally. But only because she's a size 7), and realize she wasn't attracted to my feminine side. I'd not be attracted to her macho side if she chose to get a burr-cut, start wearing male stuff, and acting tough.

I love her a lot and appreciate that she tries by letting me have my personal time once in a while. Many wouldn't even let us have that.

Hugs. Jerry

[StephanieCD]

Careful with the word clueless, hun.

My Dad told me to make my words soft and sweet cuz I never know when I'm gonna have to eat 'em ;)

Perhaps... just perhaps - give her the tools to educate herself. A book? Yea, chicks like books LOL

[Sweet Susan]

That's a line that I can't cross--transgender?
No, I can't be a woman nor do I want to be, it's all about the clothes.
I guess that's why they call it cross-dressing


Transgender is an umbrella term.

[StephanieCD]

I prefer gender dysphoric. It more described the unhappiness with gender rather than the act of TRANSitioning.

Unless I thought of it like "TRANS(cending)GENDER" then I'd be cool with it.

Hm. I like that.

[jo_ann]

sorry for being vague. no, I did give her my "crossdress" books and she never reads them. she reads at least a couple books a month, but she never seems to get to mine. it's like she doesn't want to be educated on this subject. Guess she figures ignorance is bliss.

[StephanieCD]

Or de nile is a very long river... that flows downhill, mind you.


On the subject of rivers...

Anyone heard of Utah Phillips? Ani DiFranco made an albulm remixing his stories... he once said, as a speaker to young students:

”You're about to be told one more time that you're America's most valuable natural resource. Have you seen what they do to valuable natural resources? Have you seen a strip mine? Have you seen a clear-cut in a forest? Have you seen a polluted river? Don't ever let them call you a valuable natural resource! They're gonna strip mine your soul! They're gonna clear-cut your best thoughts for the sake of profit, unless you learn to resist, ‘cause the profit system follows the path of least resistance, and following the path of least resistance is what makes the river crooked!”

[Stephenie]

My dear and lovely wife, Does not approve and can not/will not understand how I might want to dress up and be a lady once and awhile. In our dissussions I have come to realize that she will never be excepting and if I don't come around to her way of looking at it I will probably end up divorced.
I don't want it to go that way but I'm not going to lie to her. After all I'm a man/woman and have needs too.

[Tia]

I think most of girl friends/wifes are first attracted to our masculine side. And when they here about our desires they react in many ways. Some approve it, understands it and supports you. Some get scares and approve that feature in you, but don't want to know about it or participate it any way. And sadly some pack their stuff and leaves. I must say that I somehow understand all three types...

I would hope that people would use first way to react to thing (not only to us). But sadly these things are quite changes to their life and second is the most probable way... "Do what ever you want, but don't shake my castle in clouds with it.." I think (in my current situation: I hope) that with enough time and good communication, it's possible to get others to realize that this is part of our nature. I'm not thinking that a big part of wifes or girlfriends would like to to see us in skirts all the time, but atleast to accept that we might dress when they are away and that we don't need to hide our stuff from them, so they won't feel betrayed if they happen to caught us later. I also think that places like this forum helps them to understand that they are not the only ones dealing with the situation (like they have helped some of us to realize the same thing about ourself) and perhaps something we didn't know to tell them.

And sadly there are some who choose the third way. I'm guessing there usually is also other reason behind it, but it's easier if they can blame others for ruining their life.

Sorry, if this came out a bit fragmented... I noticed that I was slipping out of the subject and making it a bit too targeted for my own situation, so I rewrote some parts again (and again..).

[Wendy me]

ok my wife knows of my cding ... and dose not even want anything to do with it ....
you know she says so you want to be a girl?? then i tell no i like to dress up and .... she walks away....now think abought this i have tons more skirts and dresses than she dose....sexer undies .... a lot more heels ...oh she wears pretty tops ... but mostly jeans....hell i even pointed that out to her that she is crossdressing ....in jeans and she can't see that...... :confused:

[Fiona K]

anyone have wives that don't quite get the whole crossdressing thing? I mean she confuses it with "wanting to be a woman". I don't want to cut off my penis, cut my salary, and force myself to wear painful shoes all day.. but when I'm in the mood, CD'ing feels awfully good once in a while. I try to get her to read some of my transgender books trying to explain it, but she never seems to get around to it.


Jo Ann,
The use of the term clueless strikes me as possibly showing a lack of empathy on your part for what she's experieincing, I have been treading the path with my wife and it can be very hard for partners, we have come very close to losing a marriage over it.

Does "My Husband Betty" by Helen Boyd figure in your library? If not can I suggest you read it? Helen shows just how hard it can be for a wife, who's known of her Husband's dressing from early in the relationship, is supportive, loving and enjoys many aspects but STILL breaks down in tears on occasion because of her Husband's trans-ness.

www.myhusbandbetty.com

This ain't easy for SOs and we have a responsibility to them not to push at a pace that is uncomfortable to them.

Good Luck
Fiona

[jamiepabicd]

my wife has way to many hang ups to ever accept my crossdressing.
in her mind a cd, gay, lesbian, etc. etc. is a pervert.
i too do not desire to have a sex change but that is what she envisions if i want to play dress up once in a while.

[jo_ann]

she's completely cool with it, it's like she just doesn't want to know about it deeply or something. She has a certain hidden secret that I'm cool with too.

[Shanna GG]

She is probably just scared of what she will find if she scratches the surface layers away.

Like just about anything in life Crossdressing is a multi-leveled cake. You have your frosting- the part she already sees and become tolerant of.
Than you have the top layer of cake- this is what continues to drive you to dress.
A bit more frosting...but we will get back to THAT frosting in a second
Than you have the bottom cake -this is what drove you to dress in the first place.

The reason I skipped that frosting in the middle is this...It can either be the same that is on the outside of the cake or it could be a whole other frosting...maybe not frosting at all. This is the unknown factor...this is the part people fear. If you slice into the cake than you will know what that center is, but once you know you can't lie to yourself anymore and pretend you don't.

It sounds like your wife thought she already had a clue as to what filled that unknown part of your life. Than when she learned of the crossdressing she found out she was wrong...now she is afraid to discovery anymore of your life. Because she is scared she might be wrong about all those other things she thought about you too. And maybe even a little fear about who she is now.
Cause we define ourselves through the people around us. When they change, we change.

All you can do is give her space maybe leave a book on her night stand. Maybe one day it will peek her interest enough when she is alone that she will read it. If it moves back to the book shelf, than she isn't ready just yet. Don't say anything about, don't put it back...you just have to accept that when she is ready she will find how to cope with the things she doesn't understand.

~Shanna

[jo_ann]

that makes sense.. here's the clincher.. She's always talking about how I don't communicate enough "which I don't", and here's a subject she doesn't want to communicate about.

[Shanna GG]

A corny but good and truthful saying:

Do not try and pull out the sliver you see in someone else eye for it only a reflection of the log in your own.

This seems to hold true for your wife in this area. Everyone knows open communication is the key to a good relationship...but no body ever reminds people that the things you should be communicating about isn't what you did at work most of the time. It's the large issue you thought you would rather avoid.

It's tough, if you have the time every month or so I would ask your wife. Can we sit down and talk? Start with slightly difficult things like if the two of you don't keep with dishes like you think you should. Try and use things you both have equal problems with first. And avoid blaming. After a while you can move to deeper issues and to say twice a month. But by doing this once a month your training her mind that by the end of next month she already knows your going to sit down and talk about something. So maybe that month she picks a topic.
You will have to remember to stay cool and calm no matter what SHE says. I know that is really hard. I am personally a very emotional person, it's hard for me to stay level headed if someone makes it feel like they are blaming me.
But eventually you can get to the issue of why she seems hesident to open up more to you in this area of your relationship.

It is a slow process. But it is very much worth trying. Because not only do you get the issues out of the way, you both learn to communicate more clearly to each other.

*hugs* Best of Luck to you.
~Shanna

[Stephanie]

I'm currently going through everything with my wife right now too. I told my wife about my crossdressing about a month ago and she seemed pretty nonchalant about it at the time but things have been bumpy during the past two weekends after she found out I bought myself a wig. Since then we've had several discussions about the issue and I've heard her ask me about and repeat just about every misperception about crossdressers that I've ever heard of and I have had to reassure her several times that I'm not interested in a sex change, gay, or interested in "outing" myself to anybody but she still seems to worry about it and not understand it. My revelation has also apparently forced her to confront a previous traumatic experience, specifically she just told me this past weekend that she was raped by somebody who happened to be wearing womens clothing (panties) at the time that he attempted to rape her (I already knew about the rape but I had NO idea it had anything to do with crossdressing :confused: ). As such, she has made it clear to me that she is ok with me crossdressing as long as I do it in private but she stated that for right now she can't handle seeing me dressed in ANY article of womens clothing. I'm hoping that eventually she becomes more comfortable with my crossdressing and that by continuing to do it and not giving up will eventually help her to come to accept it but I'm afraid that she may never be open-minded enough to accept it because of her past traumatic experiences and part of me even wonders if she is using her ordeal (whether it is true or not I cannot say but I hope she is being truthful) as a way to avoid having to deal with my crossdressing.

[sarah]

sometimes we get self centered ,not that we like to be told ...imagine if you were reversed how would you cope..It seems to me that before we make comment we have to let go of the male stereotype remarks like would i give up my male salary (which is obviously more than yours) wear pointy high heeled shoes continually !!! and be the girl we want to be with the bad and the good ......