SO's Coping mechanism: The occassional CD remark

[Mercedes]

My wife tolerates my crossdressing and in her words "If I don't have to think about it, it doesn't bother me." But, she will occasionaly make jokes or a funny remark at parties or at friends about crossdressing and usually I am the one who would be doing it. I don't think I'm upset that she does it, as everyone usually laughs it off and I will play along. However, will our friends start to wonder if it keeps up?

In a way I like that she does this, as she indirectly acknowledges my crossdressing and I get to have the bonus of dreaming of dressing for a moment or two (in public). I realize this is probably a passive aggressive way of her coming to terms with it (still after 17 years) and I would rather have an open discussion with her, but it seems like one of the only ways she will acknowledge my dressing.

I am torn between asking her to stop and just letting her cope via these little quips.

Do any other SO's do something like this?

Mercedes XOXOXO

[heidi99]

Hi, Mercedes.

I don't have an SO, but I had a couple of thoughts about what you wrote.

First, if she's playing with the idea while out in a public setting, she might inadvertantly say something that (as you say) lets your friends in on the "secret." Kind of dangerous if you ask me.

When you think about it, if she's taking cheap shots at you in an environment where you really can't defend yourself. Kind of mean. Just my :2c:

[katrinacd]

I know what you're talking about too well. My wife is unable to have a normal discussion with me about crossdressing, doesn't want to see it, really doesn't want me to do it. Yet, there have been numerous occasions when she has made joking comments in front of our friends (many of which know that I'm a crossdresser) about crossdressing which I don't feel are intended jabs at all - in fact, she'll usually follow up by giving me a sly wink.

I have no idea what it means and I've stopped trying to figure it out.

[TracyH]

I couldn't imagine not dumping a woman who made even one remark like that.

[Shannen]

Everyone copes differently.... have you discussed this particular behavior with her? Maybe you should set the example and open a discussion about this?

I don't know how dangerous this is to you... I always figured that anyone who knew that my wife and I agreed to allow crossdressing would mind their own business. I would never discuss a couples intimate life, and this would seem to qualify. Of course other people don't share my outlook on these things.

Good luck! Communicate!

:hugs:

[SusanLaine]

My SO has never done anything like this but her support of my "hobby" ebbs and flows. Sometimes she just doesn't want to think about it and other times shes actively helping me. She'll occasionally make an insensitive remark while we're watching TV or something but I take it as an opportunity to reset here thinking. We're both products of a childhood where these things were much less accepted so programming takes along time to overcome.

I also recommend that you discuss this issue with her and see if she even realizes that shes doing it or why. It could be anything from years of social programming to peer pressure to a subconscious desire to out you to anything else. It may also be completely innocent and she may be unaware that shes doing it. :-)

Susan

[Rachel Morley]

Sounds like this is perhaps her way of dealing with the up and downs of gradual acceptance. My wife Marla wrote something about this sort of thing once looking at it from a GGs perspective. Her thread was called "Now I Like It, Now I Don’t: Understanding the Acceptance Pendulum (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12890)" click HERE (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12890) to read it.

[Joanne f]

You never know what is going on in someone else`s mind unless you ask to talk about it , people have different ways of copping with things.
Is it possible that through her jokes your wife might be looking for someone to communicate with about cross dressing to know that she is not the only wife that has to deal with it .





joanne

[Angie G]

No my fife is great about my dressing. I fully dress 5 day a week and she says nothing bad about it in or out of the house. :hugs:
Angie

["Mary"]

My wife sort of does that.

Privately - she often playfully teases me about being a girl, wanting to be a girl and almost as often she scorns me for liking this hobby.

But in public, when it comes up, she is wildly complimentary about how I really get in the spirit for Halloween, and how good I look as a woman. I love it when she does that.:)

[valenstein]

I've been meaning to talk to my SO about this. Outside of my friends, she is the only person I've told. I don't think she's ready for her family to know and I'm fine with that, but sometimes she gets into a conversation around family that puts me in a position of defense. Her mom was telling her that taking her young niece to a gay pride parade had somehow "scarred her" (she was saying it half seriously) and my SO said there was nothing wrong with "guys in dresses". If that conversation had been pushed, I would have outed myself with full force right then and there.

The more I get comfortable with it, the more I get aggressive when someone attacks it somehow. My SO likes to joke that "You're a freak, but let your freak flag fly". It's a backass compliment, and I'm done with it.

[Joanne f]

Just to add another little twist to it , my wife will say things to me in a shop but it is not to annoy me it is more to let me know that she is happy with it , mind you i think some times she tries to get a reaction from people just so that she could have a go at them. :heehee:





joanne

[jennCD]

My wife and I have not spoken about the TG aspect of my self for a few month now after a somewhat negative exchange over shaved legs,... but this morning she did recount a nightmare that she woke up from regarding me dying and her being at my funeral.

She woke up crying and couldn't get back to sleep, and after I got up, she told me all about it, mentioning in a joking manner, "At least you weren't wearing a dress".

So I had to reply, "Of course not,... I was dead, remember... someone else had to dress me."

In hindsight, I realized that most of our interactions over the last year regarding my jenn side have been fairly superficial, rarely negative in nature but overall they had a generally lite tone kinda like 'I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you because I'm not completely comfortable about this".

We all have our ways of coping. This is just her way and there's nothing I can help her with at this point. I guess I'm lucky that we don't speak much of it since, now that I know it's less of an acceptance type thing and more of an 'oh well, what can I do except try to ignore it', I'd rather have it out of the spotlight and not have to feel uncomfortable about it.

:)
jenn

[melissacd]

Having gone through the break up of a 25 year relationship where cross dressing was a big factor in ending it I have learned that dancing around the subject solves nothing. You must decide what cross dressing means to you and then you must communicate that to your partner. If these types of comments feel negative and hurtful then trust how you feel, find a moment to chat with her about it and tell her that it feels hurtful and disrespectful. She does not have to like your cross dressing, she does not have to accept any of it, but she has to be told when she is not treating you with the respect that any human being should be able to expect from their loved one.

My journey over the last few years has taught me a great deal about myself and the lengths that I went to to live up to the wants and needs of others. This served no one, least wise myself. I realize now that this is who I am so anyone who professes to love and respect me is not doing a very good job showing it when they do these sorts of things. It is not fair and reasonable that she should use these types of actions as a form of dealing with it or to gain a sense of relief about the angst that she feels. you and she should have open, honest and frank discussions about the matter where you both get your issues and concerns on the table and deal with it like mature adults.

In the end she may never be able to accept and deal with it and then both of you have important decisions to make about where and how you want your relationship to go. All options are on the table for discussion, a good relationship is one where everyone respects everyone else regardless if the issue is cross dressing or what school to send the children to.

Huggs
Melissa

[Sandra]

I couldn't imagine not dumping a woman who made even one remark like that.

Wow a bit drastic isn't it, I guess you don't you believe in talking and trying to sort stuff out?

Mercedes
It may well be her way of dealing with it . If you're not happy with what she says then talk to her about it, explain how you feel about the comments see makes, she may have know idea how much this upsets you so talk to her.

[Mercedes]

Thank you all for your comments. And especially Rachel for putting the like to Marla's post. All CD's with a unaccepting or non-suppoting SO should read. And I don't think I will be dumping her as we have been together for 20 years and although the Crossdressing is an issue the rest of the relationship is wonderful and worth keeping.

I have thought about discussing these public comments with her once we are alone but I always, okay usually, try to to bring up my CDing with her as she wants it "out of site, out of mind."

However, sometimes issues need to be discussed and understanding reached so next time it happens we will have a quick talk as we get ready for bed.

Thanks again everyone!

Mercedes XOXOXO

[TracyH]

Wow a bit drastic isn't it, I guess you don't you believe in talking and trying to sort stuff out?


No, not really. Especially not when her attitude is "I don't want to talk about it, but I do want to indirectly ridicule you in front of my friends." That kind of behavior is passive aggressive abuse, and even if other people think it's okay, I have more self esteem than to accept even one minute of it, and especially from someone who's supposed to be as close to me as my wife.

[susan fuller]

I agree with TracyH on this. She is being openly agreesive on this in a way she knows you cannot respond at the time. You need to talk to her and be honest about how you feel and what it does to you when she does it. Communication is the key for both of you. She has issues that are not being adressed or she would not ridicule you in public about the CDing even if she does not point you out specifically. Communication!

[Jonianne]

Wow a bit drastic isn't it, I guess you don't you believe in talking and trying to sort stuff out?

Hi Sandra, I think Tracy is taking it to the extreme (one remark) but I think I understand where she is comming from. It brought back some deep anger feelings I have, when I read Mercedes post.

My ex HATED the fact that I crossdressed (in private and not in front of her)and she was relentless in harrassing me about it. After a few sessions in marriage therapy she got up and walked out never wanting to go back again.
She was OK with me as long as I was struggling with my CD, but when I came to terms and accepted myself as a crossdresser, thats when she started. My sons told me later about the nasty things she told other people about me. It wasn't long before they both eventually came to live with me.

Sorry about my rant.

[JamieDP]

Is she maybe being catty with you in the same way that other females get with each other, where they make little jokes, etc. when they are hating. Do they make you feel belittled or bad about yourself? Joking in any relationship is ok when it is mild mannered teasing back and forth, but if it is making feel less of a person regardless of your persona that is not healthy in any relationship.

[Nadia-Maria]

Kind of dangerous if you ask me.

When you think about it, if she's taking cheap shots at you in an environment where you really can't defend yourself.


That sounds like a "cheap shot" to me also. That's just asking for trouble.

I agree.

I believe this is a "sniper" 's behaviour. Shooting at you from a secure position. I'm not sure whether speaking with her will be enough... As a rule, snipers have a real gift to make you feel bad or guilty, and to appear themselves as very good people above all suspicion.

One way to cope with them is to make their attacks clear at the very moment in public before all participants, and to leave them an opportunity to save face.

[Tiffy]

I am glad my wife loves and enforces my dressing. But that aside I tend to agree with the sniper theroy. And I know people say things like, but I love her she is my world. But if she don't love your dressing then she only loves part of you. And honey I am worth more than that. I saw a post above about dumping a girl because of a remark like that. And I am sure your mind said HECK NO when you read it and I am not saying you should. But I am saying you need to evaluate your worth to yourself. Are you only worth being picked on or pot shot at when she is safe around friends. I love my wife to death, but I am not gonna let her tare me down for her pleasure and small mind. I would get up and leave. I have almost died from this once. I am worth more than that and so are you.

Tiffany

[KathrynTX]

I don't mind if a woman jokes with me privately about my CD'ing, but I'd be very nervous if she made those jokes around my friends or family. I think it's time to talk with her about it, it's probably past time.

[Sandra]

No, not really. Especially not when her attitude is "I don't want to talk about it, but I do want to indirectly ridicule you in front of my friends." That kind of behavior is passive aggressive abuse, and even if other people think it's okay, I have more self esteem than to accept even one minute of it, and especially from someone who's supposed to be as close to me as my wife.


If she is doing it to ridicule then she shouldn't and it's a nasty thing to do, but as I said before if it's her way of dealing with it and not realising that she is upsetting or making her SO uncomfortable, then surely trying to talk to her is one of the roads to go down.

Mercedes wife is not here to explain as to why she does this but some have jumped on the band wagon that she's a sniper and is up to know good.

[Carla4Guage]

Maybe she’s testing the waters with her comments. She may even want some reaction from others to validate her or confirm her thoughts on the subject. Unfortunately the ones who respond are usually the extremes in either direction. “I just love …” or “I‘d leave my husband if he did …” It’s a dangerous gambit. I think one on one between the two of you would be the best start. Good Luck!

[abundantly_me]

To me it sounds like your SO has been taking "cheap shots" at you and I really have to agree with Melissacd


She does not have to like your cross dressing, she does not have to accept any of it, but she has to be told when she is not treating you with the respect that any human being should be able to expect from their loved one.



In anger we may let a 'cheap shot' out, but when you care for that person, you respect them, and they mean too much to you to ever hurt their feelings.

Doing this frequently at gatherings just seems so totally wrong to me. Perhaps this is her coping mechanism, but it shouldn't be at your expense. I just feel there is a lot more underlying resentment towards your cross dressing going on in her subconscious then you may realize. After all she is using you as the butt of the joke, making fun at you, knowing that it is the real you - seems like quite a nasty thing to me.

To joke with you one on one when your together is different then with a group of people.

You have been taking this for 17 years, ummm don't you think it should stop by now?

well that's my :2c:

ps I actually think you should make her the butt of some jokes and see how she would like it.

[charlie]

Hello Mercedes!
It seems to me that this is about as good as it is going to get for you. I have the same situation. " Don't bring it up, don't tell me about it and don't make me see it". However, my wife makes little quips about CD, gays and how I like ladies clothes at strange times and with our friends. I say nothing. At least the wonderful woman is still with me and did not leave. She hates the idea of my crossdressing so I think I'm better to just let it lie and try and dress when on business or when I'm sure she will not see me.

[ggtracy]

Definately talk to her to find out her feelings. I know as a very accepting and supportive GG, it can still be uncomfortable knowing/feeling like its a big secret that I can't share with family and friends. so joking or making the odd comment, could indeed be her way of dealing with this feeling.

[KeriB]

The wife issue has caused me alot of consternation, frustration, let-down, insecurity and guilt... but only, I have just realized recently, because I let it be so.

Unfortunately, the vast majority of wives do not wish for us to crossdress - or worse gasp, be TG - and even though they may say they are good with it, take it with a grain of salt. My wife started out being "supportive" in the beginning of this phase (not a phase now b/c I am never going to ever purge again.,..), to "if I'd known this was where it would lead, I'd say no." So, we don't speak about anything, not even the off-hand remarks about an nice blouse or shoes... Best just not pushing the issue, figure out where her tolerance level is and, unfortunately, deal with it for yourself - remember you have friends here to talk to as well.

As for the comments in the parties, honestly, I think they are not entirely innocent and not being accusatory, they do sound spiteful. I would suggest talking it over and perhaps asking her the reason for the comments - simple fun or something else - and just tell her that they make you feel uncomfortable. Bottom line, you have to support yourself, you have to make your own happiness....

[TracyH]

Hello Mercedes!
It seems to me that this is about as good as it is going to get for you.

You see, this kind of stuff should be a bannable offense. If you'd said, "The best you'll ever do is a minimum wage job," or "The best you can do is fifth grade math," everyone would be on your case for making untrue and horribly disparaging remarks. But since you're making the comment in regard to the best kind of wife that a crossdresser can hope to catch, somehow it's okay?

[paula jessica rains]

i had this problem with my soon to be ex-wife but i am a woman traped in this man shell but i let it go because she saids she needs time to get use to what i want but it is her weard way of acepting it in a way................jessica r.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Mercedes,
She probably does it because she knows whilst she is under the cover of company you wont hit back. Without knowing her it is difficult to say whether it is done with any malice or not, but on the surface of it that is what it looks like. Not so much a means of coming to terms with it but a way of showing you that she has very mixed feelings and she wants to remind you of that in a situation which is less threatenening to herself.

It does seem a little cruel because you can't defend yourself. Maybe pulling her leg about something whist in company would make her realise how uncomfortable this makes you feel, but then that would make you as bad as her. I'd be more inclined to just tell her that your not too keen on her doing it and see if she responds.
Bev