Came out to my spouse today

[PamelaTX]

I want to thank all of you ladies for your kind and sensitive advice, and for the stories about your life experience. I joined this forum to find out what was going on in my head, and everything I've read here has helped me so much that I feel like an entirely new person.

The best piece of advice, by far, is "Don't hide it from your spouse."

When I woke up this morning, I made up my mind, that this was going to be the day. I've been on pins and needles all day, hyperventilating, pacing back and forth, having second thoughts, chickening out, then screwing up my courage. Finally, this afternoon I called her into the bedroom and told her the score. She was a bit shocked -- I'm very masculine -- but after I explained the whole thing to her, passing along a lot of the information I picked up here, she said "Well, OK."

I feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders. I don't have to worry about getting outed to her, I don't have to worry about secret stashes, I don't have to pretend I'm someone I'm not.

Thank you, all of you.

I love you all.

[Daintre]

Pam, I am very happy for you, I am sure that it was a very scary thing to do, but you did it and your SO did not run. Good for you Pam.

[sandra-leigh]

Well done!! :Party:

(Was it more scary than getting married in the first place?)

[Cary]

The first step is always the hardest. Congrats. :)

[Raychel]

Congrats Pam, I will admit that this is a huge weight off you shoulders, But you have to understand that this can place a huge weight on your SO's shoulders. Tread lightly with her and give her some time to adjust. Don't push things and let her call the shots. Best of luck to you.

[renee k]

Hi Pam,

Don't get me wrong here. But the "Well okay" , will not be the end of it. Prepare yourself for more questions and how does this affect our relationship.
It may seem easy now. But it's all being digested, and there will be more on your plate. So do your home work now. Remember the Boy Scout motto, " Be Prepared".

Huggs, Renee

[RylieCD]

Pam,
First of all, good for you, being open and honest is great. But as some of the others have said, you have just dumped a large load on your wife and she is digesting it, she will be digest it for awhile (how long have we been living with it and trying to understand ourselves and then, all of a sudden they get it all in one load). All we can ask of our our wives is to try be understanding, AND WE MUST DO THE SAME!! They will have good days and bad days, so dont try pushing it.

Good luck

[Shelly Preston]

Pam This is only the begining

There are lots more questions to come probably when you least expect them

She will have to consider how this will affect her
You may even want to show her the forum where she can recieve the support she might need
It's not easy to have this big secret hit you so suddenly

I do however hope everything is good and you dont have any problems

[PamelaTX]

Thanks for all the additional advice.

I know I'm dumping a lot on her, but I've only just recently been able to admit the truth to myself, so we're taking this journey together.

The way we left it is I said to her, "Ok, I've told you, now forget I said anything, and just let it sink in. Then in a week or two we'll talk more. And remember, I'm the same person I was an hour ago."

I want to share this experience with all of you, because I know that many of you are hiding from your spouses, and keeping secrets from your spouse is never a good idea. I'll let you know how it goes.

Lots of hugs,

[Michelle Charles]

Just go slow now, give her plenty of room and time to process. Talk together whenever possible
Michelle

[Tammietoo]

Good for you, :hugs: I wish I'd told my wife instead of getting caught. Hope it all works out well for you.

[Sandra]

Good for you for telling her, now just take it at her pace. There might be a quiet period where she may say nothing but believe me it will be going round in her mind, or she may want to talk straight away, either way try and answer any questions she has as honestly as you can, also let her know just how you feel about cding. remember she can always join here and chat with other SOs.

[debbeelee1]

Great Pamela! Just slow and easy now!

[Holly]

Good move, Pamela. The most important things you can do now are to keep the communiction lines open. Allow your wife to express her feelings when she is ready. Be ready to answer her questions when she asks and be truthful with her. This is a journey you want to take together, not one running ahead of the other. Best wishes.

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Yup...more to come trust us....ease itno this lifestyle and don't jump in....let you and her take this journey slowly and do so at her pace....not yours...you'll be better off in the long run....

[SandyR]

Its a great start hun! But, I must say from experience give her some space, it will all begin to sink in at some point. Try to let her bring up the questions of "why". In my case its all work out so awesome, but it took some time to figure it all out.......U done good....

Hugs!

Sandy

[Jeannie]

I told my wife about my dressing and I was so scared and nervous but she was just silent for a moment and said just don't hide from me. Since then it has been great. I am so happy for you and hope that things will just get better.

Jeannie

[Andrea's Lynne]

Good for you Pam. I hope your wife can take teh time to digest it and teh two of you can work out the right "mix" to help both of you deal with this.

Best wishes to both of you, sweetheart!

[dresser1974]

How do you feel she took it

[paulaN]

Good for you. It does lift a lot of weight of ya doesn't it. And although the weight is lifted the road is still long. It's a big step in the right direction. Way to go hun.

[Di]

Wonderful news:hugs:
As the others have said there will be ups and downs most likely and I love where you said " And remember, I'm the same person I was an hour ago."....keep reminding her of that and also if she needs to talk to other gg's direct here to us and we will help all we can..:hugs:

[Alice B]

That is great news, but as others have said, it is only a beginning. Sit down with your wife and establish some rules about when you can dress. As with my wife it was OK when she was not home and over the next two years it became better and better to where I can now openly dress in her presence,as long as I let her know first. I can't wait to see where things will go in the future, but the key was to establish rules and open/honest communication.:hugs:

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

WOW!
That takes a lot of courage to do. I've always been a proponant of telling someone before the relationship gets under way in order to not have anything hidden from them.

Bringing this out into the open is a very difficult thing. I hope you have a great response, and that you will keep us up to date on how things progress. Never forget the little things for your spouse, and to take your time ;)
*hugs*
Zara

[Mollyanne]

WELL DONE GF, WELL DONE!!!!


:love: Mollyanne

[waspookie6]

It is good to hear you took the time now to tell your wife instead of years from now. You also took the time to educate yourself first, it makes it much easier to explain and understand.

Just listen to her and keep the lines of communication wide open going both ways. It sounds like each of you need to take time to adjust so take it slow, this is part of the whole you and always will be for the rest of your life. It means there is time to reel in if she needs or if you might wonder why you haven't felt like dressing for awhile even though she may be encouraging you to.

One of the things I'm sure you've seen mentioned is the "Pink Fog". For most all GG's with husbands and SO's, both need to be open and honest how that can affect your relationship as it's probably the most frustrating part of being the wife of a cross dresser. It can be frustrating for you as well - you may not understand why she may suddenly start asking for more limitations concerning everything! Discuss that now. Allow her to point out you may be in :c9: or heading towards it, allow yourself to indulge knowing she is comfortable with your dressing.

As long as you have respect for each other you will live a long and happy life together. There will be bumps in the road, they aren't always related to cross dressing so try not to have everything that comes up have a direct correlation to that. It isn't healthy for either of you. If she seems like she is suddenly isolated show her this post - the GG's here are supportive and can help each other when we feel we have no one else to talk to.

Take care and we all hope there will be the usual dips and curves in the road of life as all couples have, there is plenty of support and caring for you both here.
:hugs:

[Tracy_Victoria]

Brilliant Pamela

However Remember now that you have invited her to join you (or know of your world) you must remember to join her in her's too. When GG are accepting it can be so easily damaged by taking it to far, or oversteping the boundaries or pushing for more. If she accepts Pamela your a very lucky guy, but remember there will be days (and lots of them) where she doesn't want a guy in a dress around, but she will want the guy she married, and loves. Respect her levels to partake, even if that is just that she know, many SO want no more than that (mine included) but it is good when the walls come down and it's all the better for not having to hide and lie.

My best advice would be don't change your male life in anyway, and let her develop,over being pushed in to understanding, if she wants to know more she will ask and find out. let her run at her speed, but certainly now she is aware pointing her to this forum and the GG only section will help, but you must also warn her that many peoples crossdressing crosses many different levels, ie make it clear to her what your level is, and why you feel it's important to know that.

I told my partner nearly 16 years ago I crossdressed when we first met, she knows, but sadly does not partake, however in that time we have had some tough times, but none have been over my dressing, because she knows her and the family come before my hobby, I have time to dress when I want to or need to, and occationally the subject is rasied and we do talk about it. Of course I would like more, but I accept what I can have, and what she can give, and if you can do the same, there is no reason why she will not be able to accept what you do! It might seem a little strange at first, but as she realises there are more and more men out there like us, the more she will understand your needs and accept them in some way, shape or form.

Good Luck.

[PamelaTX]

How do you feel she took it

It's too early to tell, but I'll let you know.

[jennCD]

Congratulations, Pamela

...tho I agree with Renee, there will be more on your plate. It's going to be a constant state of learning (or relearning) each other under a new set of circumstances and rules for you both... but at least it's out in the open, accessible and with a great sense of freedom!

:)
jenn

[TxKimberly]

Wow what a huge step and such a brave thing to do! Congrats Pamela!
Your life and stress level are probably about to improve a LOT.
No more worrying about what will happen if she catches you
No more guilt for hiding it.
Now you have someone you love that you can talk to about it.
Now - DON'T flood her, don't talk ONLY about cross dressing, and don't try to convince her that it's time for the two of you to get dressed and go to dinner and shopping as girl friends. lol
Give her a while to become accustomed to the idea before you flood her with so much emotion and talk that you drown her.
Make sure you show her lots of attention so that she knows she is appreciated and that SHE is the most important woman in the house. :-)

[PamelaTX]

There's another twist to this that I would like to add, and that's "Coming out to yourself." Although I sort-of knew all along what the score was, in the back of my mind I kept thinking that if I never admitted it to anyone else then it didn't have to be true. I could just throw all the girl stuff away, and pretend that it never happened. Then I'd be "normal" again. But if I told someone else, then it would never go away, and I'd be stuck with it for the rest of my life. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

What surprised me is that coming out didn't make these feelings go away. The thought sneaks up on me unexpectedly and says: "Now you've done it! You're no cross-dresser! That's just some stupid thing you made up, and now you've gone and wrecked your whole life for nothing!" It's like being sucker-punched with a brick. I've needed a few hugs to get these feelings under control. This is happening despite the fact that I am not having any second thoughts. I am absolutely certain that I've done the right thing. It's just that decades of denial don't go away in a day.

Thanks again for everything, you people are really wonderful.

[Ruth]

That 'twist' is an interesting one. I never had that. Anyway, what I really wanted to say is that love is the key.
If you really love one another, you both can absorb this new factor in your relationship. You don't have to play dress-up games together if that isn't the thing for you or your SO, but if you are totally open and transparent about who you are, it can only strengthen a sound relationship.
Good luck on your journey.
Love,
Ruth

[smokey]

I am absolutely certain that I've done the right thing. It's just that decades of denial don't go away in a day.

i think you've done the right thing too. be aware like others have said it's a road and a journey. love is important, and more is how you treat each other. respect for the other. not keeping secrets.
that's realistic, decades of denial not going away. you gotta learn like your wife does.

[RylieCD]

There's another twist to this that I would like to add, and that's "Coming out to yourself." Although I sort-of knew all along what the score was, in the back of my mind I kept thinking that if I never admitted it to anyone else then it didn't have to be true. I could just throw all the girl stuff away, and pretend that it never happened. Then I'd be "normal" again. But if I told someone else, then it would never go away, and I'd be stuck with it for the rest of my life. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

What surprised me is that coming out didn't make these feelings go away. The thought sneaks up on me unexpectedly and says: "Now you've done it! You're no cross-dresser! That's just some stupid thing you made up, and now you've gone and wrecked your whole life for nothing!" It's like being sucker-punched with a brick. I've needed a few hugs to get these feelings under control. This is happening despite the fact that I am not having any second thoughts. I am absolutely certain that I've done the right thing. It's just that decades of denial don't go away in a day.

Thanks again for everything, you people are really wonderful.

You are right Pam, Before my wife found out I thought this was just a phase and it would pass and I would purge and be done. But as we all know this is a lifestyle and not really a choice, this is just who we are and we have to learn to live with it (and enjoy it :heehee:) Although it was hard living with the guilt. It is still difficult but much getting easier now that I have someone to talk to and not hide from.

[Tina B.]

You did good Pam, and I thik you have had pleanty of good advice.
So I will just wish you a little luck and a lot of happiness.
Tina B.

[Elizabeth2-]

Truth is the best game. I believe that with all my heart. I no longer have to hide from the one that I love so much. And, in time, she has come to understand as best as she is able. The other day, she and the girls were trading spare clothes at work. She grabbed some expensive shoes and two new outfits for me as well as a wonderful bag of current jewelry. It still took here several days to dole it out, but I waited patiently and thanked her kindly for each "surprise" even though it all came in at the same time.

Truth, love, patience and time.

You will be so relieved in the days and years to come. Go slowly and enjoy!

Liz

[brendaisagirl]

Pam,
Telling your wife took courage and it also showed your comittment to her and your relationship. It is much easier to be told than to find our years later. Most hide lie and sneak. Give her some time allow her to ask questions, you may want to show her this website and then just walk away and let her read. That is what my DH did and it helped a lot.
Good Luck.
Brenda

[vivianann]

I am glad you finally came out to your wife, we should never keep any secrets from the person whom we call our best friend and lover. we all wish you and your wife alot of peace as she learns and understand that crossdressing is not the end of the world, but a way to express your softer side.:thumbsup:

[tamarav]

Congratulations on your discussion. This is, just as everyone here has stated, just the beginning of a new life for both of you.

My only personal statement, after telling my wife a year before we got married 25 years ago is, try to keep your style so that she can accept it initially. A "street walker" look may not fly initially. Over time the gentle changes can ease into place.

Ggood luck and take it slowly until this has sunk in. It is a lot to absorb.

Your sis,

Tami

[Diane Elizabeth]

Congrats. I hope all goes well for you and your SO.

[susan fuller]

Proud for you and hope you the best. Hope you two have a lot of fun together. It was great when I told my SO before we got married and she accepted it even thou she did not understand. It takes time and love from both of you in order for it to work. Best of luck.