Discussing Crossdressing w/Wives & SOs?

[Stephanie]

For those of you out there who have understanding/supportive wives/SOs who might NOT have been very understanding/supportive when you first told them about your crossdressing what did you find to work the best to explain your crossdressing to them and make them feel better about it? Although I had admitted some interest in crossdressing while my wife and I were just friends, I got rid of my femme clothing and abstained from crossdressing shortly before I moved out of my Dad's house but I decided to get back into crossdressing a few months ago and finally reintroduced it to my wife. She seemed to be initially tolerant of it as long as nobody we knew saw me crossdressed, which I pretty much took to mean that I had "cart blanche" to do whatever I wanted to do as long as I wasn't gay (or cheating on her), that I wouldn't be getting a sex change, and that I didn't get seen by our kids or anybody else (including her). Last Saturday, however (as I noted in a previous post), my wife inadvertently found out about my purchase of a wig and she freaked out about it, mostly because she said that she feels that my purchasing the wig and not telling her about was a sign of dishonesty/secresy, although I wasn't really clear about what she wanted to know, if anything, about my crossdressing. I tried to explain to her the best that I could that I am not gay, not interested in having a sex change, and completely willing to accept some pretty harsh limitations on my crossdressing to ensure that nobody (including her) sees me dressed but she seems really hung up on a lot of common misperceptions of crossdressers in general and she seems to be very homophobic (in that she fears feeling or being perceived like a lesbian). She can't even stomach the thought of seeing me (intentionally or unintentionally) wearing panties. Things have calmed down since Thursday night after I sent her a long letter with everything exposed and we had a long angry, tearful discussion about the issue, but I don't feel like things are quite settled yet and I'm sure that things are probably going to explode again once I start buying clothing. Does anybody have any suggestions for helping improve the situation? I have tried to be understanding and supportive but I admit that I have occasionally become defensive and hurt by some of her comments/questions and it has made it a bit more difficult for me not to respond. Any ideas/advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

[Claire B]

Stephanie, I can understand how difficult your situation is. The way I see it is as follows, 1. Never assume that anything is Cart Blanche when it comes too cross dressing. And with you wife or SO. 2 With my wife I do not purchase things like dresses, wigs, etc. with out her knowing about it. In other words we discuss it. Even though my wife has know for years that I cross dress as Claire. It has been only these last 2 years that she has been really supportive. I do not dress in front of her as Claire. Unless she states that it is ok to. However I do have 1 day a week just for Claire. This has happened for years now. The way it worked out is that at my job I am off on Mondays, At her job she works on Mondays.
I don't know if this will help. but keep talking things over with your wife. Be honest and up front with her. Try to involve her with questions like fashion sense and things like that.

Hugs, Claire

[Wendy me]

well my wife knows but dosen't want to be involved or see it but over time things have gotten better small steps ....i could safly say that if she knew just how mutch of a stash of things that i have she would go off the deep end...for shure.....(it's all just accross the hall in my office ...door unlocked ..she never goes in there)......well this cding thingy has been who i am for so long now and she never knew ...and there is a ton she dosen't know ....i think if she ever got to just accepete my cding ....it might have a changeing on how things are done ....open ='s open .....if she is with you let her know what you are doing .....no hidding any thing .......mt 2 cents.................

[Priscilla1018]

I think both Wendy and Claire have the right idea;be honest,tell your wife before you make any big purchases,ask her for fashion tips.Go slow,baby steps,also NEVER assume that you can do whatever you wish just because she knows that you crossdress.Your wife has issues dealing with perception of herself as a Lesbian or with you being gay.It will take time to change this perception,if it can be changed.Go slow.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

[Holly]

Stephanie,



Your situation is different and unique from mine or anyone else's, but having just recently gone through something similar, I'd be happy to share with you, what worked for me.


...I have tried to be understanding and supportive but I admit that I have occasionally become defensive and hurt by some of her comments/questions and it has made it a bit more difficult for me not to respond. Any ideas/advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

I would ask you to ask yourself these questions... In what ways have you been understanding and supportive? When you have been hurt by her questions and/or coments, have you told HER? Hon, I don't know about you, but when my feelings get hurt, I tend to withdraw, and then I let my imagination go into overtime. This is exactly the WRONG thing to do. In looking back over 37 years of marriage, I can say without question, EVERY rough spot we have endured was the direct result of ineffective communicatrion. You said you TOLD your wife about your CDing early on in your relationship, and that's a great thing to do. But how much did you really TALK about it? Evidently you had one perception as to how far you could go and how much freedom you had to practice your "hobby" and she had a different understanding.

Stephanie, do you see what I am getting at here? You need to sit down and have a talk with your wife and you need to COMMUNICATE with her. Reassure her that your love for her is unchanged and that your commitment to her is as strong as ever. If your feelings have been hurt, tell her, and explain to her why they are hurt.

As guys, we struggle as we explore the more feminine side of our nature and we have to fight all of society's biases against men having "girlie" tendencies. Having a genuinely supportative wife or SO makes this 100 time easier to do. I can't imagine trying to do it without my wife along my side. Not only is she my soulmate, she is my confidant, my best friend, my best girlfriend. In fact just yesterday, we spent the whole day together, just a couple of girls having a good time. Stephanie, don't let these negative feelings fester inside you. Arrange for some alone time with your wife and lay it all out on the table. And be sure to spend at least as much time listening as you do talking. Have you ever invited her to the forum? If she's receptive, it could help. If nothing else, she should read Pattie's poem to her husband Gem in honor of their anniverary. Pattie’s Poem

Stephanie, you seem willing to do whatever is needed to make your wife comfortable. But you need to let her know what YOU need as well.

[Stephanie]

Thanks everybody for your support and suggestions. I know that I have made several posts regarding my coming out process and I appreciate the opportunity to continue to seek advice throughout this process. I guess it was kind of naive to think that she was really "o.k." about everything when I first told her about it but now everything's REALLY out on the table she is clearly struggling with it. I've kind of reached a standstill at the moment. She's apologized for some of her hurtful comments and I've apologized for things that I've said and done, so we are at "peace" at the moment. However, due to a previous traumatic event that my wife experienced that inadvertenly involved crossdressing (which was completely unknown until today), my wife has demanded that I not be seen by her wearing ANY article of womens clothing (esp. underwear) until she has had more time to deal with the situation and I've reluctantly agreed to give her that consideration (for the moment) on the grounds that her mental health is ultimately more important but I now I feel worried that now that she has gotten this concession that I will be stuck at this point of not even having the ability to "underdress" on a regular basis and that she will just the leave the situation as it is indefinitely with me being allowed to crossdress only when I have the house to myself (which almost never happens). My hope is that she is willing to adopt a more open-minded attitude towards my crossdressing in the future if I give her some time, space, and consideration and that those will allow her to feel more positively about it in the near future. I see glimmers of hope that she is not totally shut off to this possibility but I hope that I have not erred in compromising my needs to the point where I am putting my needs/wants almost totally aside. How often would it be appropriate to "check-in" about the situation and how she is feeling or should I just wait from a cue from her?