any advice will help

[Bridged]

New member, thanks for reading. ok, i've been married for 9 years. I've known for about 4 years that hubby liked to cd, but he never admitted it until a few days ago. long story short, I knew because there was too much evidence, he finally admitted when the evidence was printed out on the computer. I am fine with most of it. like I said, I knew about the dressing, the part that I was clear about not being ok with was chatting on line etc in a sexual way. This bothers me because dressing is one thing, the chat and the pics make me feel cheated on. I guess it bothers me more because the pics and chat are with other guys.
Cd or not, they are guys. I am claiming ignorance to alot that I surely don't understand. I have tons more to ask, and believe me I have asked him, but this subject is the one that I need advice from all of you. thanks

[DanaR]

I would have a problem with that as well. There are some honesty issues going on. What does she say about it?

[Holly]

If you are asking if it is okay for your partner to hurt you the answer is no. Having an on-line sexual affair with anyone (male or female) in inappropriate for someone in a marriage or any other committed relationship. I hope you find the answers you need to be happy.

[sandra-leigh]

I am fine with most of it. like I said, I knew about the dressing, the part that I was clear about not being ok with was chatting on line etc in a sexual way. This bothers me because dressing is one thing, the chat and the pics make me feel cheated on. I guess it bothers me more because the pics and chat are with other guys.


Feeling cheated on in those circumstances is quite understandable! I suggest that you read through a fairly similar recent thread, "Coming round to cding, then he cheats as well..." To read the full thread, click on the little arrow just after the user-name in the start of the below quotation:



Just found out my bf has been chatting up men on his mobile phone. [...]
Anyway, he eventually told the truth. I was right. He had been receiving sexual texts from guys. (Baring in mind that these are the people he had previously told me were straight CDers, who he just wanted to discuss clothes with).

[Bridged]

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted now that we have the truth about cd between us. I guess I was wondering if anyone felt like maybe he was reaching out to others, in the wrong way of course, but others who at least understood that side of him. He was afraid I would leave just because he stole a few pair of my panties.

[Ásfríðr]

well yeah, guys or not, transvestite or not, sex talk with people who aren't your wife is kind've not on. if you're married. i mean, i have no marital anything but i'm sure thats a clause in it somewhere.

how has he been with you about it since he found out you knew?

because, if you think he's reaching out for understanding ect, get him to join here too. there are countless cd/ts of all varieties, and mostly they're all ver' nice and supportive of each other. you'll both learn loads, they do like to talk

x

[Bridged]

the first night we really talked about it was wednesday, and it was an awesome talk, he is so glad that i am ok, and i have no plans to leave. I was on cloud nine the next day, imagine knowing that your S.O. had a secret, but wouldn't admit it, and finally you could talk about it. his bday is coming soon and we talked about going shopping, so that he could get a few of his own things instead of stealing mine for the night when i'm at work. Then i find the pics on the computer and it makes me so upset. i don't know if i'm reading to much into it, or if i'm fishing for an explanation. the pics are mostly cd porn. no straight man on man stuff, so i'm confused.

[susan fuller]

This is something that you and your husband will have to sit down and clear up with open communications. If he is honest and truthful with you then you and him can both enjoy his CDing. It sounds like he has a great opportunity here with you being so understanding and willing to help him. Honest communications is the real key to it all.

[Ásfríðr]

cd porn you say? well there must be a bisexual streak in there somewhere, he might be uncomfortable with that or something.

as far as his crossdressing goes, susans right, hes got a great s.o and an opportunity to share, which should mean a hell of a lot more than porn to him.
but you ought to talk about how much his cding has to do with sex, because clearly its related, and that'll be something he'll want to share with you. which i guess is whats upsetting you, that he hasn't been?

honest communications, keys ect. go shopping! (lol)

[sandra-leigh]

I guess I was wondering if anyone felt like maybe he was reaching out to others, in the wrong way of course, but others who at least understood that side of him.

Ummm, it might have started that way, but in my opinion it has gone further than that.

You say there was CD porn, no straight man on man stuff. I take it that there was at least one cross-dressing male in the pictures, but I'm not clear as to the rest, whether it was "she-male" pictures, or male CD with a female, or male CD with a male, or male CD with a male CD. If he is looking at more than a little of whatever it is, then he is experiencing it from a "point of view", and to understand it you need to know what his fantasized point of view is. Is he picturing himself as a "she-male" (someone who looks female but has a penis), or is he picturing himself as the male cross-dresser, or is he picturing himself as a straight male getting together with a male cross-dresser, or does he imagine himself as an observer watching these things, or ... ?

Whatever his fantasized point of view, fantasizing over something doesn't always mean that the person would actually want to do that thing if given the chance (or "if sure that they wouldn't be caught"). But maybe they would... I'm not sure that a person ever really knows for sure what they would really do until a prospect was real and imminent.

[docrobbysherry]

I can only give u my online experience as a CD. For the last year, I have been out online. I am divorced. I have had plenty of CD, and/or male admirers, so I've had plenty of opportunities. But, I have had NO sexual chats at all.

Why, because I'm straight. I think u 2 DO have a lot to discuss!:doh:

[Katherine Bell]

What’s right or wrong is between you and him/her. Would your partner be upset and feel cheated on if you did the same thing? I find sometimes CD’s are in a fantasy when they are dressed and as such do not take responsibility for their actions while being that other person. This may or may not be the case with your husband but chances are he’s living out a fantasy. You two need to sit down and slowly communicate what is and is not ok for the two of you. My partner flirts and is occasionally sexual with other CDs (who happen to be men) online and I could really care less. Infidelity is rarely about sex, it’s the emotional attachment that really causes problems in a relationship. Figure out exactly what you have a problem with before addressing this with your partner. Know how you feel and what you want/need from him/her will help the conversation immensely.

[sterling12]

Well, what your hubby did was wrong! Can't get around that, sexual flirting is just like physical cheating; after all sexuality is about 99% between one's ears.

But, what he has already done is fait accompli'. You nor he can't change any of that. You have to try and forgive, and he has to make things better.

You two need to discuss the "whys." And, it needs to be done in an atmosphere of candor, with exploration of his motivations. I can give you a place to start. Humans need to have their ego stroked....sometimes a lot. If it was necessary to play little sexual games in order to be told he was "pretty," or "desirable," perhaps it may give you some insight into his motivations. It probably won't make things better, but at least if you find out some truths; it won't be a total blank spot for you. And, if you get some idea on the "whys," maybe it will be some help for the future.

You already told him you weren't leaving, you have given him a huge reassurance. Time for him to reciprocate, start answering some questions, and try to ease your mind.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Mollyanne]

Hello Bridged, after reading everyone's suggestions and reading your heart felt questions concerning this problem between you and your SO I feel compelled to say that open and honest communication here is in order!!!!! Actually it already started!!! but has to go much farther, I'm sure what you found on the computer must have hurt you and my heart goes out to you, your SO MUST and I say MUST come to terms with his/her fault, hiding the truth and inappropriate behavior. Your assurance to your SO(not leaving) did open the door "so to speak" but now its up to her/him!!! This is a must!!!!!

:love: Mollyanne

[Jonianne]

.......I am fine with most of it. like I said, I knew about the dressing, the part that I was clear about not being ok with was chatting on line etc in a sexual way. This bothers me because dressing is one thing, the chat and the pics make me feel cheated on.

Of course you do, keep the communications going with your S.O., hopefully she can explain what her needs are as a crossdresser and then you can decide what boundries you need to set for your own assurance.

A relationship, especially a marriage, requires faithfulness.


the first night we really talked about it was wednesday, and it was an awesome talk, he is so glad that i am ok, and i have no plans to leave. I was on cloud nine the next day, imagine knowing that your S.O. had a secret, but wouldn't admit it, and finally you could talk about it. his bday is coming soon and we talked about going shopping, so that he could get a few of his own things instead of stealing mine for the night when i'm at work.

What an awesome wife you are!


Then i find the pics on the computer and it makes me so upset. i don't know if i'm reading to much into it, or if i'm fishing for an explanation. the pics are mostly cd porn. no straight man on man stuff, so i'm confused.


.......You already told him you weren't leaving, you have given him a huge reassurance. Time for him to reciprocate, start answering some questions, and try to ease your mind......Joanie

I agree with Joanie. Sounds like overall you have had a good marriage and hopefully your SO will receive your love and acceptance and be willing to give you the assurance you need.

I wish you all the best!

Joni

[deja true]

Beginning your open conversations about his CDing (finally) just may be the thing to get him over that surreptitious porn thing...

Here's what happened to me...

I've been searching and watching and looking at R and X rated CDs on line for ages...prolly as long as I have had internet access and figured out how to find it. What that did for me was to ...first: show me that there were thousands of males out there that dressed in women's clothing...and second: actually help me to see that there were lots of other versions of sexuality besides straight vanilla. But all this time I was a seriously closeted dresser myself and spoke to absolutely NO ONE about my proclivities. It was my only connection to this other world.

But at the end of last year I came across this forum. After lurking for a while, and reading a lot and finding that all x-dressing people were not sex addicted or ultra fetishists, I finally got up the nerve to join and start talking to real people instead of just fantasizing about virtual people that I knew I would never meet anyhow.

Guess what, hun? In being able to talk freely and openly with others like myself about gender issues, about sexuality issues, about how this hidden life has affected the way I live and how I relate to others, about any damn thing, I found the need for the porn or semi-porn dropped away almost immediately!

You're right in that there is a great need for validation and connection with others for us closeted dressers. But that validation is so much more real and worthwhile when we can share our curse/blessing with real people, not just through virtual, anonymous voyeurism or on-line flirting.

I'm sure your dear one really didn't want to hurt you. You know that. And, hopefully, his new opennness and your wonderful efforts to try to understand him, will see an end to what, for him, was a guilt-ridden, shameful, and probably not very satisfying activity.

Good luck to you both, Bridged.

Thanks for coming to us...I hope we've helped!

Next step? Bring him here, too!

respect & love,

deja

:<3:

[Empress Lainie]

Bridged, I think like the previous posters that honest open conversation about what does CD mean to him whether it is a sexual thing or not, and you should also discuss if sexual conversations on the internet with other people is an acceptable thing between the two of you.

I (a transwoman now) collected pictures from the internet since 1995 and was in a relationshiop, and she knew about it and sometimes would look at some of the beautiful women I collected. As far as actual porn sex acts, I just filed the sets that I liked, but I have never been (Yeah don't believe me, I don't care) sexually excited by them, I look at them as a form of art. I now enjoy reposting them for others to share, whether sexually or artistically. I have been single for 7 years and in a commited relationship (hardly sexual tho) for a year now, and my activities have no effect on it. I don't do cybersex except rarely and even that I would not consider more than a fun thing to do, not a serious matter affecting my relationship, but that facet is something that in your relationship should be discussed and agreed upon.

I know of people that have actually fallen in love on the net and also been terribly hurt by someone on the net. I don't think it is a good idea to get emotionally involved on the internet with someone unless you have actually met them.
But that is only my take on it and obviously different people have different ideas.

I hope with reasoned and unimpassioned discussion you can work things out. Having a partner that understands and actually participates is the best thing that can happen to a male CD. (I always thought that there are no female CD's because all females crossdress and no one thinks anything of it. I never heard of a group of female CD's either.)

Another thing about men you may not understand not being one yourself, is that they do like to network wtih other men about anything they have in common, like the CD.

In my case I never did because I have always been a female person and never liked hanging out or talking with groups of boys or men. I hung with the girls every chance i had when younger and they accepted me.

[valenstein]

Hi,

When I first started chatting online, I was really looking for acceptance and would talk to anyone who treated me well. Guys can be pushy and one of them told me loved me, it was a mess. Although I think my gf knows, I have yet to specifically tell her I am attracted to tg people, and even more so to girls with breasts and a penis. It's taken me awhile to be comfortable with that, I'm just now feeling okay about it. I do still love my gf and find her sexy. I've tried looking at gay porn, it's just not quite the same. It's the intermingling of two sexes I guess. It's more than a fetish. It's really hard for a guy to admit he's bi on some level, but most of the guys I have met who like tgirls consider themselves straight. I don't think it's total denial, if I see someone I think is beautiful, It's just that. Some CD's fantasize about being the woman sexually, it's a high or curiousity. I'm rambling, but that's what i have for now.

I just caught what Lainie wrote: Another thing about men you may not understand not being one yourself, is that they do like to network wtih other men about anything they have in common, like the CD.

It is such a release to hang out with other CD's and talk like women do, and I mean emotionally and all the comraderie, I am more jealous that women have that bonding than I am of their clothes. It's hard to have a best guy friend and not talk about your lives, feelings... it's so frowned upon, and I do think we develop emotional attachments to each other. It feels good.

[Nicole Erin]

Well someone will disagree, but think of this - if the "cheating" was nothing more than online chat or photos, it is better than your husband going out and having actual sex with whoever.
Some who are truely naive would ask what the difference is. The difference, no one ever got a disease or child from talking or looking at photos.


Next step? Bring him here, too!


Yeah that is a brilliant idea, said by a few here. That way, the members here will have someone to harass about this CD's actions. :brolleyes:

[CarrieAnneEvers]

In a way, the cross dressing itself is a form of cheating on you with another woman. The woman happens to be part of your husband, but she's there.
I was a married cross dresser. My wife eventually left me partyly because of the "cheating". Your husband probably would like to talk to YOU about his cross dressing and show YOU his photos. But he probably feels that you wouldn't appreciate it or that it wold turn you off, so he goes on line to express himself.
Cross dressing doesn't go away, so you'll have to learn to accept it and "Her".

[Sandra]

I am fine with most of it. like I said, I knew about the dressing, the part that I was clear about not being ok with was chatting on line etc in a sexual way. This bothers me because dressing is one thing, the chat and the pics make me feel cheated on. I guess it bothers me more because the pics and chat are with other guys.
Cd or not, they are guys.


You have a right to feel cheated on and you must tell him how this make you feel. If you don't it most likely will drive a wedge between you both.

[Jilmac]

Dear Briged, Under the clothes we are all guys so the chat will naturally be between guys. However the sexual chat which you describe isn't normal for most of us (I'm speaking for myself and those I communicate with). You being ok with your hubby's dressing is a good thing but I believe there is something he's not telling you, and since you have found the unrefutable evedence of his dressing, and he has admitted it, he should be honest and get anything else out in the open so you both can get some answers. Just my:2c:

[Kimberely416]

Beginning your open conversations about his CDing (finally) just may be the thing to get him over that surreptitious porn thing...

Here's what happened to me...

I've been searching and watching and looking at R and X rated CDs on line for ages...prolly as long as I have had internet access and figured out how to find it. What that did for me was to ...first: show me that there were thousands of males out there that dressed in women's clothing...and second: actually help me to see that there were lots of other versions of sexuality besides straight vanilla. But all this time I was a seriously closeted dresser myself and spoke to absolutely NO ONE about my proclivities. It was my only connection to this other world.

But at the end of last year I came across this forum. After lurking for a while, and reading a lot and finding that all x-dressing people were not sex addicted or ultra fetishists, I finally got up the nerve to join and start talking to real people instead of just fantasizing about virtual people that I knew I would never meet anyhow.

Guess what, hun? In being able to talk freely and openly with others like myself about gender issues, about sexuality issues, about how this hidden life has affected the way I live and how I relate to others, about any damn thing, I found the need for the porn or semi-porn dropped away almost immediately!

You're right in that there is a great need for validation and connection with others for us closeted dressers. But that validation is so much more real and worthwhile when we can share our curse/blessing with real people, not just through virtual, anonymous voyeurism or on-line flirting.

I'm sure your dear one really didn't want to hurt you. You know that. And, hopefully, his new opennness and your wonderful efforts to try to understand him, will see an end to what, for him, was a guilt-ridden, shameful, and probably not very satisfying activity.

Good luck to you both, Bridged.

Thanks for coming to us...I hope we've helped!

Next step? Bring him here, too!

respect & love,

deja

:<3:

Wow! I would say that this is bang on. I suggest that you read this post to your sweetheart. I am almost certain that you will find that this is exactly what happened. The fact that you are talking about it is very positive and augers well for the success of your relationship.

And to you, Deja, good stuff. I think you hit the "nail right on the head!"
You must be a frustrated carpenter!! Better yet, hang out a shingle. You're a great phycologist!