I never know how I will think, or feel

[Tracy_NM]

Hello, Tracy here, 46 year old CD .
One thing I have discovered is that I have no idea when the urge to CD will come, sometimes it will come when I have the freedom to dress up (I am married) and sometimes it will come when it's next to impossible for me. This summer I truly thought would be my coming out as a CD but instead seemed to go the opposite direction. My wife was gone for a month and live in a reasonably TG friendly community (Albuquerque, NM) and yet despite having a weekly TG support group that meets only 5 blocks from here every Friday night became too afraid to go during my month by myself. I dressed up every day, semicloseted in my back yard and even walked around the block once as a woman, yet doing so didn't propel me to go out more or be more adventurous, instead it made me ask too many questions of why and took two steps back for every step forward. In addition to being able to come out at home while my wife was away I went on vacation to visit my mom (in Oregon) for almost 3 weeks. She knows about me (told her last year) and even brought a set of women's clothes as I was originally looking forward to dressing up each day, in front of my mom and perhaps even out in public (figuring I would meet some people online in Portland). I'm still trying to come to terms that with all the opportunities I had to dress up, with more freedom than ever before that I hardly felt like dressing up at all!! I was kind of frustrated because I had planned it for so long, had the clothing, time, freedom and support out there to do it yet oddly enough didn't feel like it all! Perhaps because it seemed like it wasn't going to be as arousing of an experience as I thought. Then I get back to Albuquerque last week, back to my wife and within a day after coming back become completely overexcited about dressing up again back when suddenly I can't do it (because of my own fears, marriage, etcc....)
What a weird life this is at times, what a difficult way to deal with things! Just writing my thoughts out loud. Anyone else feel like this?

[Edyta_C]

Small steps girl. You are doing fine. I think thats normal to go thru those feelings. I am just trying to go out of the house en femme.

Hugs Edyta

[tamarav]

I dress for work every day, sometimes 6 days a week. I love every minute of it. But the wierd thing is, when my wife is gone and I am off work for 4 days,I may only dress once.

Sort of a cycle thing or something. Of course I always seem to break a nail when I work on my cars....

I believe your actions are more than "normal". Some of us have gone for long periods of time without any semblance of dressing at all. the urge has a mind of it's own, just don't cross it up.

Your sis,

Tami

[susan fuller]

Take it slow and easy and you will do ok.

[PaulaPts]

I think you have to take your time and just discover how you really are. Be honest with yourself. The reflections you are doing are very healthy. The fact that you are examining your feelings is very good.

When you become comfortable with how you want and need to be, then you'll know you've found the right place. Perhaps an on occasion situation is the best thing for you. Be careful not to want things because you think that is what you think others would do. Be comfortable with what you want.

[charlie]

Going against the grain of society makes this CD very hard. For part of the time we agree with society and feel shame in what we are doing. I got over it by going to places that say they support Pride (gay bars). Transgendered is part of pride and a bar could not let you get picked on there. So I would dress and go to gay bars where I met people and found that I wasn't really a freak after all. I then went to the movies. Then the mall...ect. I really believe that most people could care less if I wear a dress or not. Teenagers seem the most harassing. 20 year old girls seem to love us more. Take small steps and ease into your comfort zone.

[CD Susan]

Tracy, I stopped trying to understand the whys of this cd thing we do a long time ago. We are not all the same and our thoughts about cd and our desire to do it are all different. I think with most of us it kind of comes and goes from time to time. This is perfectly normal and is nothing to worry about. Just dress when you can if you want to and if you don't want to then don't. Don't be too critical of yourself about your dressing, there is no way you will figure it all out. At least that has been my experience in doing it for over 50 years.

[paula jessica rains]

i felt that way when i was marreied twice but i am free and i love it............jessica r.

[Kayla Shadows]

Hey Tracey.It kinda reminds me of that saying about we all want what we cant have.It happens.Your feelings do seem normal.If you have any urges at all to crossdress and this is who you are,then all you can do is be yourself.Sometimes the why of it all is simply because this is who you are.Just have fun with it if its fun to you and do what you like when the urge is there.Many of us are on different levels with the time we choose to enjoy this.Its ok to be wherever you are.I think when I accepted myself all the whys and questions went away.And when they go away,you can get back to working on the who of it all which is you.You just take it slow and let your feelings be what they are.Its much easier to form a more complete sense of direction.We all know this life isnt always the easiest so your not alone.If the why is because you love doing this,you will see your feet moving in the right direction soon enough.

[Charlena]

I was on the same path as you for many years, sometimes I just got the urge and would take a day off work and be "myself". I started to open up to my wife in subtle ways. I offered to brush her hair. Offered manicures and pedicures, progressed to massages and facials. I found that this helped me too. I enjoyed making her feel more feminine. I also told her I just wanted to do it for her, and did not expect sex in return. It worked for me but we are all different. small well thought out steps and I wish you the best. Take Care!