Finding the balance

[Deborah Jane]

Hiya :hugs:

How many of us have problems finding a balance after accepting our "fem" side?

After splitting with my "ex" wife i eventually found my way to this forum, where i finally learned to accept myself for who i am, after years of self denial!
For about a year being "Debs" took over my life whenever the opportunity arose [nearly every evening and most weekends].

I am now trying to find a balance in my life, where i can spend time doing guy things, but also be "fem" whenever i wish.

I can now go weeks without even thinking about being "Debs", but the problem seems to arise when after i spend an evening "dressed", i then become very reluctant to go back to being a guy again [which at this point in my life i need/want to do!!]

Is there any way to achieve the balance i need?

All help and advice appreciated :)

[Kate Simmons]

Quite honestly Debs you need to get deeply into your feelings if you really want to understand all of this. I was at the point where you are a few years ago. This is where most miss the whole point of crossdressing. It's really just the tip of the iceberg of deeper things. When I realized this, I eventually balanced the feelings, integrated them and made them my own. Now I'm the same person regardless of which mode I'm in and it is merely a matter of choice what I look like at any given time and no longer a compulsion.

It really depends on you and how much you really want to understand yourself and the feelings and the motivation behind them. Most do not and end up an a treadmill for years going back and forth.:)

[Cathytg]

Wow! Good question.

I find that there are times when I can't wait to dress and times when I don't seem to get around it. Whether I know it or not, I have shifting priorities of a moment. The only thing I know for certain is that this will never go away.

If I were you I would not worry too much about controlling the urge to dress at this point. Like all things, it will find its own water level. The slightly upsetting thing is that the level changes from time to time. I just take the view that I have about 200 years more to live and that all these things will find places and times in my life. Do not be too concerned about dressing taking control of your life; just dress as you wish when you can.

But, what is really neat is that it has gotten you to be thinking about yourself and who you are and how you feel. That's the fem side and it is be embraced.

[DonnaT]

Balance is in not fighting your needs. That does not mean you'll always be able to get past the feelings of regret when changing from gal to guy mode, or vice versa. Instead, balance is finding acceptance within yourself with no guilt. Guilt and regret aren't always the same thing.

[Sallee]

your so right finding balance is very important there are other things in life besides cding and I know that can become all encompassing if you let it. I am sure we have all struggled with it. For me it seems that I'll go for weeks with out dressing and then go crazy with it for a week or so and then it will tale off. I want to try to combine both sides maybe dress for occasions maybe once or twice every month or so Just my:2c:
above all try to have fun on both side of the gender spectrum

[Melanie R]

Finding balance is coming to the realization that everyone is both masculine and feminine. Most of us who are crossdressers have a higher percentage of femininity in our gender inner selves. I am Melanie no matter how I am dressed and also Mel no matter how I am dressed. Since retirement I am able to be Melanie 24/7 if I wish with my wife's full support. The reality is that I now spend 80% of my time as Melanie and 20% of my time as Mel. I refuse to give up that 20%.

[marie354]

Keep reading here on this site and maybe you learn the balance that you need.
It helped me find mine.

[AKAMichelle]

This is where most miss the whole point of crossdressing. It's really just the tip of the iceberg of deeper things. When I realized this, I eventually balanced the feelings, integrated them and made them my own. Now I'm the same person regardless of which mode I'm in and it is merely a matter of choice what I look like at any given time and no longer a compulsion.

It really depends on you and how much you really want to understand yourself and the feelings and the motivation behind them. Most do not and end up an a treadmill for years going back and forth.:)

I have talked with several other crossdressers and this seems to be the common theme in our conversations. Each person has to come to terms with who they are. Then they must accept it. Lastly they must find the balance in their life. I think each crossdresser that finally gets to the point that they feel the same with or without the clothes has finally gotten to that mythical place. Balance is something which you must find for yourself. Every person's balance is different as well.

P.S. I'm on that search for balance as well. I just have figured out to accept myself better so that I can find the balance in my life as well. Good Luck to you in your search.

[susan fuller]

I am also on the road to finding a balance in my life. I have found some good friends that are helping me. I have found a lot of good advice from this forum that helps.

[SusanMarie]

My experience is that 'balance' is a moving target you can't hit.
Acceptance of the ebb and flow of your feelings is much more satisfying.

[Jonianne]

One way that has helped me was getting involved in things outside cd'ing, like volunteer work or some hobby or sport that you spend time with other people as your male self.

For me, being able to enjoy myself as a guy is as important as spending time enfemme (which I don't neglect either).

[Deborah Jane]

Thanks for the answers and advice :)

My problem seems to stem from the fact that i crossdressed very rarely when i was married and always regretted it afterwoods because i was trying to deny my "true" self. I then dressed at every available opportunity after my split and loved every moment.
I now find myself in the position where i want to re,embrace my "guy" side but if i allow myself to go "fem" i don,t want to go back to being a guy again!

I had considered going "cold turkey" and getting rid of everything, but i know that will achieve nothing except a lot of future expense when i want to be "fem" again. Hiding everything away isn,t really an option as i do enjoy my "fem" time, i just need to get it to a point where i can dress when i like and go back easily to my "guy" self after without regretting it!!

[christid66]

Debs,
You're absolutely right about having to find the balance.
I tended to fluctuate between not wanting to dress at all and borderline obsessive....including logging onto here.
As I'm, still in the closet, I obviously have to be careful - even with the time I spend on the computer.
It wasn't so noticeable when the kids were at home. Now they're at college & there's only the 2 of us, she tends to notice & ask where I am.
I hope you find you answer Debs.....You deserve to find it :hugs:

[Angie G]

There are time for me when I don't dress like time spent with family I dress drab I do wear panties anytime I'm not at work. I would love to dress 27/7 but there is no way I can I don't dress on the weekends so the wife can spend time with her husband still I have my undies. :hugs:
Angie

[Charlena]

Hi Deborah, i am going through basically the same thing right now last weekend was the first time I was dressed fully in front of my wife she is very supportive I am one of the lucky ones I know. But spending the weekend dressed even though I did not leave the motel room, I had a very hard confusing time coming back yes I believe we have to find our balance. Lot of mood swings the past week.

[Maria2222]

Hey Debs,
I know you want something to happen now, but perhaps you need to give it more time. After I divorced, which was quite a while ago, I started dressing almost every night and most weekends also. I'd do the cleaning dressed, which is good, because it got me to do the cleaning.
Eventually, I think I just got saturated, because I just lost interest and only dressed once a month or so for the next few years. Now I'm at about once a week.
Maybe you just haven't gotten to your saturation point and trying to force it won't work.
My :2c:
:hugs:

[docrobbysherry]

But I HAVE learned one thing for sure:
Don't fight it! That's the WORST thing I've tried to do!