Living in fear!!

[Jonelle]

Some days are harder than others.. today for instance, although i was wearing a nice tight thong, i couldn't help thinking how if i don't come out to the world soon I am going to wake up one day and realize that i have missed my chance.

On one hand, i am ready to be the woman that i know i can be...

On the other hand... im not ready to leave the world ive built around me behind..

Where is the balance??

How to you lives two lives simultaneously without revealing one to the other?

Is it possible? And if so, how do you prevent one from intertwining with the other?

[Sarah Doepner]

Jonelle,

You may want to find a support group nearby. This would give you the chance to get out and experience your fem life without having to face the possibility of dire consequences. While this group is a wonderful outlet, sometimes the distance between my monitor and everyone elses is just too great. I need to get out occasionally, but I'll do my best to avoid doing it where I am 99% of the time. Too much to lose from people I either care for or depend on.

[Karren H]

I love the duality of my life, personally!!! Makes life way more interesting than having to choose one gender over the other.... In my humble opinion.

[Kayla Shadows]

I know its hard when your stuck inbetween feelings like that Jonelle.And its hard to figure out how to explain this.Most important is that the person you are with in a relationship knows.It saves a lot of problems.If your not yet ready for your friends to know,just be your normal self as they know it.And the same for work.Its not in my best interest for people at work to know at the moment.Balance is not impossible.Its whatever you allow someones eyes to see.Basically control and how well you work with it.Lay down a plan of who is allowed to know and be careful about it.
When the day comes that you feel you dont want to live wearing a acceptance mask,you will know it.Thats the mask we wear thats a image of whats expected of us.Not a true depiction of our real self.There must be balance because I think it would be hard to find yourself if your under there too long.Thats the place where regret begins.

Know your boundaries in a relationship.If your with someone who doesnt allow you to be you,then its probably only time until you feel youself ready to burst.For some people they will work but others not so good.For me,with useing intelligence that a action isnt breaking the law,anything below that is wherever my life takes me.Someone is with me for who I am.Not who they want me to be

[Jonelle]

even keeping it separate though jonelle still conflicts with my "life"

the worry that my makeup from the day before is not fully removed... or the uncontrollable urges to tell everyone how fabulous they look and how i wish i looked more like them.. or even going out in public wearing shorts with my shaven legs.. it gets harder and harder to keep the two seperate

[Kayla Shadows]

I know exactly what you mean.As time goes on I dont worry about it as much as I did at one time.Im just being me.The urge to be true to yourself is just what it is.A reminder that you are the person you are.We shouldnt have to feel bad about it.There are many others here who face the same issues and can help with advice for you.If we all just keep talking we'll get through it.

[Tracii G]

Wise words DD's girl. Very well put.

[docrobbysherry]

Jonelle, I'm so sorry that u, or ANYONE, has to suffer these pressures, worries, and guilt.

It's all so unecessary, when u think about it. Who r u harming with your dressing? Why does society have such hatred/fear for/of CD/TS/TG's?

Please don't do anything rash! Talk to someone who will NOT judge u, and can understand. There r many good therapists out there. If u don't have anyone else u feel comfortable with, please find one immediately. Just talking about how u feel, will make u feel better, AND may give u insight into what direction is BEST for u!

We all care about u, AND we understand! Hang in there! Things will get better! I feel sure of it!

[Andrea's Lynne]

Hang in there sweetie!! I think we've all been through something similar...at least I have.

It will work itself out....even if it feels enormous at times. Life has a way of working itself out. You just need the strength and patience to get through it. And I know you have it!!

The forums here are a great resource.....and loaded with gurls who've been through what you're going through. Lean on us!!!

[Jonelle]

you ladies are so great at making this gurl feel loved...

its not that i cant deal with it.. i am.. and i have.. and i will continue to do so as long as neccessarily.. i would ahve to say its more frustration than anything else..

i want to go to therapy.. and i likely will end up there.. im just afraid that it could permanently transform me when the doc starts revealing how powerful these feelings truly are.

[Andrea's Lynne]

Honey,

Don't be afraid of who you are....no matter who you are.

I've been able to find a balance in life where i'm heavily masculine MOST of the time but delightfully femme in the other times.....and have a wife who cherishes both sides. BTW, She's a absolute blessing to me!!

You'll pick the right path for you, I have no doubt!!

XOXO

[Amy Hepker]

Live your life as you feel you need, but you will always wish you lived you life as the real you. There are a lot of us that do play both roles and there are some of us that are changing into the role we are inside. Your 2 worlds can live together, it is harder, but you have to decide what you want, can you be both???

[Angie G]

I don't Angie is just a partof me. I'm one person with two sides A boy and a girl that are in a man body. And I'm good with that. :hugs:
Angie

[Tina Dixon]

All I know it's not fair that I'm the one living in the closet:Angry3:

[Toni_Lynn]

Jonelle

I can relate to what you are saying. Over the course of 20 some years I have at times kicked myself for chances that I didn't take even back in the 70s when I was teen. I'd have dressed more then, and would have gone out more when I was in my 20s. Its always coupled, though with thoughts that I has i done that I wouldn't be in the great (accepting) marriage that I'm in today, and working the great job that I have, etc. The thing that I hold onto today is -- capre diem -- seize the day.

To get over these feeling, I do write .. my hopes my dreams, and the way things could have gone in perfect world.

I ma curious of one thing that you wrote : i want to go to therapy.. and i likely will end up there.. im just afraid that it could permanently transform me when the doc starts revealing how powerful these feelings truly are

Do you want to transition through SRS? If so, are you afraid that the therapist will try to discourage you for any number of silly reasons they give.

Or -- are you afraid that the therapist will push you down a path toward that, and its not want you want?

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[pamisme]

You must live as two people with one body and not the one you want. Hold your self together you can be one. I know how it is for back in my teens and twentys I kind of went nuts, did not know how to be me, taken me fifty plus years to get to know me
I am pam he is only on the out side to to be seen a front that is all he is now. This site is my therapy.

Pam :love: